Heap Big Indian chief had his three squaws sleeping on animal hides in his tepee. The first squaw slept on a cow hide, the second squaw slept on a horse hide, and the third squaw slept on a hippopotamus hide. Bye and bye, they all became pregnant and presented the chief with his heirs. The squaw who slept on the cow hide had a son, the squaw who slept on the horse hide had a son, but the squaw who slept on the hippopotamus hide had twin sons...

MORAL: The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

how many ears had star trek's mr spock?

3..a left ear..a right ear and a final frontier

did you hear about the blonde that shot and arrow into the air?

she missed

YEA IM A BLONDE AND I DO ARCHERY SOMETIMES TO AND IM ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD!!

What is DNA?

The National Dyslexia Association.

Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli?

A strong currant dragged him in.

What do you call a septic cat?

Puss.

I'm so old that whenever I eat out, they ask me for the money upfront.

We shouldn't pick on lawyers, but how can we resist, after all, they charge us whatever they like, even if they lose our case, sooo...
What do you have if you see a Lawyer with his head sticking out of the sand?
Not Enough Sand !!

Another lawyer joke...

How do you know if it's cold outside?

The lawyers have their hands in their own pockets

Finally a chance to share this one - happy that it works in Dutch and English:

Q: It's underneath a statue and shoots at you.

A: Plinth Eastwood!

A Native American goes to the Medicine Man and says, "Doc, I have a recurring dream. One night I dreamt I was a wigwam. The next night I dreamt I was a teepee. What's wrong with me?"

"That's easy. You're two tents!"

Why didn't the rattlesnake bite the lawyer?

Professional courtesy!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more!

So, two parrots were sitting on a perch, and one says to the other, 'Does something smell fishy to you?'

Some jokes are so bad they should be outlawed. I found this piece of humoristic atrocity in my e-mail:

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there,
in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon,
double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded
but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying
breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...




Ees


Ees



Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush.

I did not see THAT one coming!

*massive groan*

I love it

muahahaha!

Did you hear about the Irish lottery?

First prize is 10 pounds a year, for a million years.

I love the Ham Bush!!

Did not see that coming.

How much does it cost a pirate to have his ears pierced?

About a buccaneer.

My friends dad told me this one-

Q.What do you get when Gerard Depardieu marries Whoppi Goldberg?

A. Whoopi Dupi-Doo

and

This one was on the back of a cheezle packet-

Teacher-Billy, the bell has gone.

Billy-But Miss,I didn't take it!

Person A: Knock knock.

Person B: Who's there?

Person A: A republican.

Person B: A republican who?

Person A: A white guy who's afraid of change.

A liberal friend of mine made this up to irk our conservative friend.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he look back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,







(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





The coffin stops.

Oh Mags, that was horrible!

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near
Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted
highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in
front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to
control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.


Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the
passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... with her head bleeding! Despite
the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical
assistance.



Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short
while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a
large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.



A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts,
"Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a
terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your
phone?"



"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a
doctor; come in and I will get him!"



Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my
assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical
training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."



With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following
closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from
exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.



After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious,
Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no
avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.



The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to
his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has
always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody
fills the house.



Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he
notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano
music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He
is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!



Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.



He bursts in and shouts to his master:

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"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

I loved it, Verbonica!

Mags, I wonder how loud I would have to groan for you to hear me...