Did you hear about the man with custard in one ear and cake in the other?
He was a trifle deaf.

I had a dream one night that I was both a wigwam and a teepee. My therapist said I was too tense.

(two tents)

Q. What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

A. Douglas.

Q. Did you hear about the man on a bus who had a pie in his ear?

A. He was on a Pioneer tour.

How did Tarzan die?

He tried to swing on a crack in his spectacles.

Two muffins baking in an oven.
First muffin: Holy crap it's hot in here!
Second muffin: HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!

Man, I had a good laugh at THAT one, Annie.

Ok, here are some of the worst jokes I know. Please reserve all rotten fruit and vegetables until I have time to duck.

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work

What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

A middle name

What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?

Lost.

I've now taken cover, commence with the throwing of the fruit.

*Takes aim with the most rotten tomato I can find*

This is shocking..

How do you make a Venetian blind?

Stick your finger in his eye

What happened to the frog's car when his parking metre expired?

It got toad!

Boom boom!

A travelling salesman was driving along a country road and ran over a rabbit. Being an animal lover, he stopped to check on the rabbit and was completely distraught when he found he had killed the rabbit. A farmer came by on his tractor and told the salesman he could bring the rabbit back to life for the meagre sum of $1,000.

The salesman said OK and the farmer took out an aerosol can and sprayed the rabbit. A minute later the rabbit jumped up and hopped down the road. Every 10 seconds it would turn back and wave at the farmer and salesman.

The salesman happily paid the farmer, voicing his amazement at the rabbit's recovery "But", he asked "what's with it turning back and waving every 10 seconds?"

The farmer replied "I used hair restorer with permanent wave."

Confucius says:

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Love 'em George

Where did General Patton keep his armies?

Up his sleevies...

You should be shot for that one, Greg.

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there" .. coming to an RTA ad soon!

A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my carma ran over your dogma."

One antenna met another antenna, and they were married. The reception was great.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
A bad hare day.

Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"

Remember laughter's the best medicine, unless you're asthmatic; and then it’s Ventolin.

I suppose this one is politically incorrect, but I can't help myself since I haven't stopped laughing for the last fifteen minutes ...

A woman is at her local supermarket and has placed her items in front of the cashier - a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2-lb. can of coffee and a 1-lb. package of bacon.

As the cashier is ringing up her items, a drunk walks up behind her in line, looks over her purchases and calmly says "You must be single".

The woman is a bit perplexed by this as she can't see anything particularly special about the things she is buying. Her curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she asks the drunk "It just so happens that you're correct - I am single. But how in the world can you tell that?"

The drunk replied, "Because you're ugly."

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.
The Asian says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

Okay, I know about a zillion of these (was married to an Irishman) and I'll apologise now . . . sorry , throw only money thanks!

Why do most Irish men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
An Irish electrician.

How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy 0'Furniture

Did you hear about the Irish helicopter crash?
The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

How do you confuse an Irishman?
Put him in a room full of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short.

Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.

Why'd the Irishman take a ladder to the pub?
He heard drinks were on the house.

Mick and Patrick were walking home one evening and saw a sign saying "Tree Fellers Wanted- Generous Pay".

Mick turns to Paddy and says "A pity Sean is not here- that sounds like a great job!".

Very cute!


How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.

Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?

Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark

Quote:

---

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.

---

ROFLMAO!

Lightbulb jokes are almost as bad as Irish ones, but, what the heck . . .

How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're supposed to keep the President in the dark.


How many voyeurs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they'd much rather watch someone else do it.


How many Englishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'd rather curse the darkness.


How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. Or alternatively; Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

This one is only dirty if you want it to be.
Arnold Schwartzenegger has a long one.
Michael J. Fox has a short one.
Madonna doesn't have one at all.
The Pope doesn't use his any more.
What is it?

(a last name)

What do you call a man who sits on your porch all summer?
Paddy O'Furniture.
What do you call a man who continually bangs his head on a brick wall?
Rick O'Shea.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb As digging continues into the night!