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#335596 - Sat Aug 15 2009 09:19 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Richie15]
Mercenary_Elk Offline
Participant

Registered: Sun Mar 15 2009
Posts: 26
Loc: Hamilton
Ontario Canada
Hey, those psycho paths hurt if you fall on them! But a great joke nonetheless, Richie15!

How about this?
An old man has just bought a brand new sports car in order to make himself feel young again. He's whipping down the country roads at just over the speed limit, when he hears the siren of a cop car behind him. He decides to have a little fun and begins a chase. He's going double the limit now. Soon, he thinks, "Oh, I'm too old for this," and pulls over.

The cop comes up to him and says, "Sir, look, my shift ends in five minutes. You haven't hurt anyone and I'm tired of pressing people for being one over the speed limit. You give me an excuse that I haven't heard before, I'll let you off with a warning." The old man ponders for a second, then says:

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. I thought it was you trying to bring her back."
_________________________
Before insulting another person's efforts, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you make your witty comment, you're a mile away. And you have their shoes.

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#335597 - Wed Aug 26 2009 03:50 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Richie15]
Richie15 Offline
Explorer

Registered: Wed Jun 06 2007
Posts: 61
Loc: Cardiff Wales UK            
A man goes to heaven and finds St.Peter standing in front of an enormous wall full of clocks.
"What are all those clocks for?"
"Everybody has their own lie-clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hand moves on."
"That one's a bit dusty, who does that belong to?"
"That was Mother Teresa's, the hands have never moved."
"And how about that old wooden one over there?"
"That was George Washington's. It moved only twice. Contrary to popular belief."
"Hmmm. I wonder.....where's Gordon Brown's?"
"Oh, God's got that one in his office. He uses it as a fan."


Edited by Richie15 (Wed Aug 26 2009 03:52 AM)

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#335598 - Thu May 13 2010 06:53 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Richie15]
gtho4 Online   FT-blank

Administrator

Registered: Sun Dec 26 1999
Posts: 40227
Loc: Sydney oz downunder           
The Longest Password ever
    During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

    "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyCanberra"

    When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

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#335599 - Fri May 14 2010 09:39 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Richie15]
dg_dave Online   crying
Star Poster

Registered: Sun Oct 05 2003
Posts: 19302
Loc: Dallas, TX USA              
Quote:

A man goes to heaven and finds St.Peter standing in front of an enormous wall full of clocks.
"What are all those clocks for?"
"Everybody has their own lie-clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hand moves on."
"Hmmm. I wonder.....where's Gordon Brown's?"
"Oh, God's got that one in his office. He uses it as a fan."




That's someone else I know...and his is moving faster than Gordon Brown's!
_________________________
The way to get things done is NOT to mind who gets the credit for doing them. --Benjamin Jowett
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. --Eleanor Roosevelt
The day we lose our will to fight is the day we lose our freedom.

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#335600 - Sat May 22 2010 03:26 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Eraserhead]
aya3098 Offline
Explorer

Registered: Sat May 22 2010
Posts: 64
Loc: Pennsylvania USA
Q: Why do birds lay eggs?
A: If the dropped them, they'd break!
_________________________
A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

-Hannibal Lecter, "The Silence of the Lambs"

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#335601 - Fri May 28 2010 02:46 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: aya3098]
srini701 Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Wed Jan 04 2006
Posts: 6171
Loc: Hyderabad India           
This one's in here?
*************
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

'What's the matter?' the bartender asks.

'My wife and I got into a fight,' explained the guy 'and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days.'

The bartender thought about this for a while. 'But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?' asked the bartender.

'Yeah, except today is the last night.'
_________________________
"Never give up on your dreams. Keep Sleeping!"


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#335602 - Tue Jun 01 2010 09:45 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: srini701]
MarchHare007 Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Wed Aug 08 2007
Posts: 192
Loc: Jilliby NSW Australia         

Grandpa and the Australian Tax Office


The ATO decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and p e e into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the waste basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
_________________________
"Shoot for the moon; even if you miss you'll land among the stars." ~ Norman Vincent Peale

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#335603 - Thu Jun 10 2010 04:31 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: MarchHare007]
tezza1551 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Tue Feb 05 2008
Posts: 439
Loc: Western Australia
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.


After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:














"Master, Master! .....







The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"





(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that one coming)
_________________________
“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”

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#335604 - Thu Jun 10 2010 04:53 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: tezza1551]
ozzz2002 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Mon Dec 03 2001
Posts: 16920
Loc: Sydney NSW Australia        
Tezza, that is terrible!
_________________________
The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not smashing it.

Editor, Hobbies and Sports, and Forum Moderator

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#335605 - Thu Jun 10 2010 05:56 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ozzz2002]
tezza1551 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Tue Feb 05 2008
Posts: 439
Loc: Western Australia
Ozz, I know.. and I did apologise ! Blame the WA cold weather !
_________________________
“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”

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#335606 - Wed Jun 16 2010 04:51 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: tezza1551]
ozzz2002 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Mon Dec 03 2001
Posts: 16920
Loc: Sydney NSW Australia        
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed--driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, mate, you'll never hit her from here!"
_________________________
The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not smashing it.

Editor, Hobbies and Sports, and Forum Moderator

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#335607 - Thu Jun 17 2010 12:02 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ozzz2002]
MadMags Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat May 03 2008
Posts: 17092
Loc: Orosi Costa Rica              
LOL !
_________________________
A smile is a curved line that sets things straight. ~ Anon.

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#335608 - Mon Jun 21 2010 09:12 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: MadMags]
tezza1551 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Tue Feb 05 2008
Posts: 439
Loc: Western Australia
My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice
to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... Couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.


Yes, yes, I'm sorry !
_________________________
“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”

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#335609 - Thu Jun 24 2010 03:52 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: tezza1551]
ozzz2002 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Mon Dec 03 2001
Posts: 16920
Loc: Sydney NSW Australia        
Little Johnny said to his grandfather "Grandad, can you make a noise like a frog?"

Grandad was rather mystified and said "Yes, but why do you ask?".

Johnny replied "Because Mum said that when you croak, we can all go to Disneyland!"
_________________________
The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not smashing it.

Editor, Hobbies and Sports, and Forum Moderator

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#553707 - Sat Sep 25 2010 05:14 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ozzz2002]
WesleyCrusher Offline

Administrator

Registered: Thu Sep 04 2008
Posts: 3698
Loc: Germany
Here's a FunTrivia-related one out of a real problem I had tonight:

"How am I supposed to play Mind Melt with this kind of a Brain Freeze?"
_________________________
FT Editor and Administrator
Guardian of the Tower

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#553716 - Sat Sep 25 2010 08:43 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: WesleyCrusher]
mehaul Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Wed Feb 03 2010
Posts: 5074
Loc: Florida USA
WED BULL gives you wedding wings.

RED TULL gave his brother Jethro the winged flute.

WRED BELL gives you wrings

DED BULL gives flies wings.

FED BULL gives your flowers wings (through the nitrogen cycle)

JED BULL loves Grannies wings, battered and deep fried.

RED BALL gives you bounces.

There's more.. but you better leave now, they don't call me BULL in a RED china shop for nothing.
_________________________
"...Tomorrow's come a long way to help you."
Tim Davis 'Your Saving Grace' Steve Miller Band (1969)
"...Yesterday's at least a mile back."
Dale Peters 'Dreaming in the Country' James Gang (1971)

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#553750 - Sun Sep 26 2010 12:21 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: mehaul]
mehaul Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Wed Feb 03 2010
Posts: 5074
Loc: Florida USA
Here's the one that got me going on the Bull ride:::


MED BULL: gives hospitals wings.


and the farthest I've deviated from the theme:::


RED OCTOBER gives you pings.


Edited by mehaul (Sun Sep 26 2010 12:25 AM)
_________________________
"...Tomorrow's come a long way to help you."
Tim Davis 'Your Saving Grace' Steve Miller Band (1969)
"...Yesterday's at least a mile back."
Dale Peters 'Dreaming in the Country' James Gang (1971)

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#553759 - Sun Sep 26 2010 02:13 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: mehaul]
mehaul Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Wed Feb 03 2010
Posts: 5074
Loc: Florida USA
I gathered my sheep together so the RED WULLf wouldn't get them. Here they all are (some repeats of what's here already, hey laugh twice, it's okay!)They are kinda in reverse order of being created so the funnier ones come lat... no wait, they're all funny:::

FRED BULL doesn't know how to play so he wings it.

WRED BULL gives you wrings.

CRED BULL is called a felony and wings you off to Levenworth.

REB BULL gives you yell.

RED HULL gives your wingers stains if they're from pistachios (did I say wingers? I meant Fingers)

RED WULL doesn't keep you as warm as red wool would.

RED TULL gives his brother Jethro the winged flute notes.

RED OCTOBER gives you pings.

RED PULL a tendon in his left wing, hope itta be ok.

RED GULL gives your hat spots from winged creatures.

RED BELL makes your ears wing.

RED BILL gives you the yen to fly away fast. If only you'd drank that stuff that gives wings!

RED BALL gives you bounce

HED BULL gives truth wings.

JED BULL gives the statues around the seament pond wings, by crackey!

KEDs BULL gives your sneakers wings.

NED Bull gives punches, nasty piece of work that one. Avoid at all costs.

RAD Bull gives you groovy wings, yeah baby!

QED Bull gives your bibliography wings.

GED Bull... gives diplomas wings.

Winged Bull gets everyones' umbrellas out.

_._._ Bull gives nothing wings.

WED BULL::: gives your wabbit wings.

FED BULL::: gives your plants wings

BED BULL: gives your dreams wings.

The one that started them all:::
MED BULL::: It gives a hospital wings.
_________________________
"...Tomorrow's come a long way to help you."
Tim Davis 'Your Saving Grace' Steve Miller Band (1969)
"...Yesterday's at least a mile back."
Dale Peters 'Dreaming in the Country' James Gang (1971)

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#553761 - Sun Sep 26 2010 02:19 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: mehaul]
mehaul Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Wed Feb 03 2010
Posts: 5074
Loc: Florida USA
Here's one for today:::


RED MULL gives you paws (not wings) for thought.
_________________________
"...Tomorrow's come a long way to help you."
Tim Davis 'Your Saving Grace' Steve Miller Band (1969)
"...Yesterday's at least a mile back."
Dale Peters 'Dreaming in the Country' James Gang (1971)

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#553849 - Sun Sep 26 2010 01:06 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: mehaul]
mehaul Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Wed Feb 03 2010
Posts: 5074
Loc: Florida USA
RES JULL without Syd, I'll get no stinkin' ressyddulls from these.


Edited by mehaul (Sun Sep 26 2010 06:40 PM)
_________________________
"...Tomorrow's come a long way to help you."
Tim Davis 'Your Saving Grace' Steve Miller Band (1969)
"...Yesterday's at least a mile back."
Dale Peters 'Dreaming in the Country' James Gang (1971)

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#563626 - Sat Nov 06 2010 07:06 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: mehaul]
mehaul Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Wed Feb 03 2010
Posts: 5074
Loc: Florida USA
Then there was my pal Henry who wrote a play about a personal experience he had when he was doing some macrame and dropped a sodapop on a white outdoor carpet. Expected company soon, he didn't have time to adequately clean the stain, Since it was outdoors, he lavished wood chips over the stain. He called the play "Mulch a Dew about Knotting"
_________________________
"...Tomorrow's come a long way to help you."
Tim Davis 'Your Saving Grace' Steve Miller Band (1969)
"...Yesterday's at least a mile back."
Dale Peters 'Dreaming in the Country' James Gang (1971)

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#568702 - Sat Nov 20 2010 09:31 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: IbizaChick1]
Sawy586 Offline
Learning the ropes...

Registered: Sat Nov 20 2010
Posts: 4
[Joe pulls off an 'extreme skateboarding'trick]
Cindy: Wow, pretty impressive, Joe!
[Joe pulls off another trick]
Cindy: So what's the hardest part of extreme skateboarding?
[Joe tries another trick and crashes with a THUD on the sidewalk]
Joe: (holding head) The pavement.

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#572923 - Sat Dec 04 2010 05:01 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Sawy586]
ren33 Online   content
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11184
Loc: Fanling
  Hong Kong      

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
members of the family and social circle have been
known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial
wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:












"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."



You really didn't believe that I know
anything about penguins, did you!
_________________________
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#572946 - Sat Dec 04 2010 07:13 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ren33]
DivineMsDRL Online   content
Forum Adept

Registered: Mon Jul 07 2008
Posts: 174
Loc: Okotoks Alberta Canada       
Ren, I love it.
_________________________
I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They all know me here.

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#592184 - Sat Feb 05 2011 02:25 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: DivineMsDRL]
DaisiJ Offline
Explorer

Registered: Tue Jan 25 2011
Posts: 83
Loc: Randburg
  South Africa
I love a good bad joke, and have laughed at many of these smilee

Here's my favorite bad joke:

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?


Depends on how thinly you slice them wink

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