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#644917 - Thu Aug 04 2011 08:34 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: mayneeyak]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 294
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries
_________________________
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#645002 - Thu Aug 04 2011 05:36 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: surdoux]
ozzz2002 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Mon Dec 03 2001
Posts: 17417
Loc: Sydney NSW Australia        
Surdoux,

That is terrible! (But very funny. smile )
_________________________
The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not smashing it.

Editor, Hobbies and Sports, and Forum Moderator

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#645014 - Thu Aug 04 2011 07:05 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ozzz2002]
ren33 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11463
Loc: Fanling<br>  Hong Kong     ...
Haha!!! Hilarious!
_________________________
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#645489 - Sat Aug 06 2011 04:50 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ren33]
ren33 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11463
Loc: Fanling<br>  Hong Kong     ...
Courtesy of Tommy Cooper:

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Really, ..." says
Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When
I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one
cheaper off the web.

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a
bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'
_________________________
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#646908 - Fri Aug 12 2011 11:00 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ren33]
MaggieG Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Sat Aug 09 2003
Posts: 471
Loc: Wales UK
Very funny! grin

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#649447 - Wed Aug 24 2011 08:27 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: MaggieG]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 294
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
I've just been caught in a tidal wave of tonic water.
I nearly got schwepped away
_________________________
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#649499 - Wed Aug 24 2011 03:16 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: surdoux]
darksplash Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Sat Nov 03 2007
Posts: 490
Loc: Tyrone Northern Ireland UK 
Then there was the cowboy who went into a German car showroom to buy a German car (well what else would he buy?)
The salesman said "Hello"
And the cowboy said"Audi".

(with apologies to Tommy Cooper)
_________________________
There are just two types of people in this world, those who hear the music and those who don't.

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#652391 - Fri Sep 09 2011 12:15 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: sue943]
anushka Offline
Participant

Registered: Fri Sep 09 2011
Posts: 5
Q. What do you call a girl without legs?
A:........

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#667952 - Mon Nov 14 2011 03:39 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Eraserhead]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 294
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Frenchman, a German, a Pole, a Croat, a Serbian, a Russian, a Swede, a Dane, an Italian, a Turk, a Cypriot, a Saudi and an Australian went to a bar.

The bouncer said, “I’m sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.”
_________________________
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#671064 - Wed Nov 30 2011 01:15 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: surdoux]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 294
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
Following a particularly bad storm,a guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too. "Oh no!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!"
_________________________
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#676809 - Sat Dec 31 2011 12:50 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: sue943]
pollucci19 Offline
Participant

Registered: Wed Dec 14 2011
Posts: 27
Loc: Western Australia
Q. What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

A. Douglas

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#677123 - Sun Jan 01 2012 05:46 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: pollucci19]
mehaul Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Wed Feb 03 2010
Posts: 5330
Loc: Florida USA
Is nake the present tense form of naked?
_________________________
If you aren't seeing Heaven while you dream, you're doing something wrong.
Dreams allow escape from the passage of Time.

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#686623 - Thu Feb 02 2012 10:08 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: mehaul]
Tori_2s Offline
Explorer

Registered: Sat Jan 28 2012
Posts: 55
Loc: Michigan USA
Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

A: They didn't say anything but just waved!
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Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one.
C.S. Lewis

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#691849 - Sun Feb 19 2012 10:05 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Eraserhead]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 294
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
I was in a pub quiz the other day and my team, along with another, tied for first place. For the 'tie-breaker' we were asked one question, and the first person to shout the correct answer won it for their team. The question was as follows.

'In Paradise Lost, by John Milton, what was the Capital City of Hell?'

No-one from either team knew the answer so both teams started shouting loudly and waving their arms in frustration at the question being too hard. Things got a bit heated and a fight broke out between one team captain and the quiz master.

It was pandemonium.
_________________________
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#692115 - Mon Feb 20 2012 01:18 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: sue943]
har28low Offline
Participant

Registered: Fri Feb 17 2012
Posts: 28
Loc: Byron Bay NSW Australia
Q.What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

A.Douglas.

Q.Did you hear about the baby seal that walked into a club?...

Q.What do you call two naked men in front of a window?

A.Curtain Rod(Kurt and Rod).

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#693559 - Fri Feb 24 2012 04:56 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: har28low]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 294
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got his pocket picked.
How could anyone stoop so low?
_________________________
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#693632 - Fri Feb 24 2012 07:51 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: surdoux]
mehaul Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Wed Feb 03 2010
Posts: 5330
Loc: Florida USA
A brass bell and an old sock walk into a bar, The tender, a nice salad, asked what they'd like. After taking their order, the salad told them there was a nice view out the side window and the padded chairs would make them comfortable. They acquiesced and moved, the sock leading the way. The tender, salad, said he'd have the waitress, sauce, bring over their drinks. After they sat and took in the panorama out the window, sauce came over with their drinks. "Who had the Rye and Ginger and who had the Bloody Mary?" Bell said, "The Rye is mine" and sauce placed the drink before him. As she turned to set the Bloody Mary before sock, her ankle twisted in a most unusual way, almost as if she had been sampling the housewares herself. It can be said the drink went all over sock and quickly penetrated his weave. Being an old sock, that sort of thing is what happens. Sauce was embarassed and ran off. Bell brassly said, "I get something to clean you up and have the salad get you another drink." Bell went to the bar and asked salad to make things square and inquired what he would do about it to which salad replied, "Time to lay off the sauce I guess!"

edit: the names have been changed to protect the innocent and the name of the bar where this occurred will never be revealed or recalved or repigletted, take your pick.


Edited by mehaul (Fri Feb 24 2012 07:54 AM)
_________________________
If you aren't seeing Heaven while you dream, you're doing something wrong.
Dreams allow escape from the passage of Time.

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#693727 - Fri Feb 24 2012 02:38 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: mehaul]
MikeMaster99 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Sun Oct 23 2011
Posts: 485
Loc: Melbourne VIC Australia      
Charles Dickens went into a bar and ordered a martini. The barman asked "olive or twist?"

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#693754 - Fri Feb 24 2012 03:34 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: MikeMaster99]
leith90 Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Mon Sep 03 2007
Posts: 124
Loc: Queensland Australia
Originally Posted By: MikeMaster99
Charles Dickens went into a bar and ordered a martini. The barman asked "olive or twist?"


Ah hah! have you been reading my profile page? I love that quote so much I've had it on there since before there was hair.

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#693816 - Fri Feb 24 2012 07:48 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: leith90]
MikeMaster99 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Sun Oct 23 2011
Posts: 485
Loc: Melbourne VIC Australia      
A neutron went into a bar and ordered a beer. "How much do I owe you?" The barman replied "For you, no charge"

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#778090 - Sun Mar 11 2012 10:57 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: MikeMaster99]
mehaul Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Wed Feb 03 2010
Posts: 5330
Loc: Florida USA
We could save a bunch on cooling bills if we could just get the following to reveal their growing strategies:
Noses grow cold
Trails grow cold
Friendships grow cold, no wait, that's old for the good ones
Anyway, strap noses and trails down and waterboard them 'til they give up their secrets then harvest our cold crops for cooling.
_________________________
If you aren't seeing Heaven while you dream, you're doing something wrong.
Dreams allow escape from the passage of Time.

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#778119 - Mon Mar 12 2012 12:47 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: mehaul]
har28low Offline
Participant

Registered: Fri Feb 17 2012
Posts: 28
Loc: Byron Bay NSW Australia
Why is sand wet?
Sea Weed.

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes

Why did the frog cross the road?
To see his flat-mates.

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#779195 - Thu Mar 15 2012 05:06 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: har28low]
darksplash Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Sat Nov 03 2007
Posts: 490
Loc: Tyrone Northern Ireland UK 
Why did the one-eyed chicken cross the road?

Because it saw a Bird's Eye shop.
_________________________
There are just two types of people in this world, those who hear the music and those who don't.

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#779238 - Thu Mar 15 2012 09:10 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: darksplash]
MikeMaster99 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Sun Oct 23 2011
Posts: 485
Loc: Melbourne VIC Australia      
I'm still laughing at Surdoux's joke about the Omega 3!!

Reminds me of a British radio show (BBC I'm sure) that dad listened to and loved when I was a kid growing up in Oz. Dad was a 10 pound Pom after WW2. It had Frank Muir and Denis Norden. Think it was called 'My Word'? At the conclusion of the show there was a story that ended up with an appalling pun on a sentence one of them had been given earlier.

I still remember "You can't have your cake and eat it too" being turned into "You can't have your kayak and heat it too". Brilliant show - perhaps partly to blame for my lifelong love of puns and groan-inducing jokes.

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#779494 - Sat Mar 17 2012 02:17 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: MikeMaster99]
ASA Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Tue Oct 15 2002
Posts: 4221
Loc: Adelaide
  SA Australia   
The one I remember from my word is

My Bee loves me because I'm a landowner - from maybe because I am a Londoner
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Alan
So much time ...... so little to do

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