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#335546 - Wed Aug 20 2008 05:23 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: JaneMarple]
vene Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Thu Apr 17 2008
Posts: 191
Loc: Amersfoort
The Netherlands
muahahaha!

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#335547 - Tue Sep 02 2008 10:04 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: vene]
ozzz2002 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Mon Dec 03 2001
Posts: 18337
Loc: Sydney NSW Australia        
Did you hear about the Irish lottery?

First prize is 10 pounds a year, for a million years.
_________________________
The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not smashing it.

Editor, Hobbies and Sports, and Forum Moderator

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#335548 - Fri Sep 12 2008 01:18 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ozzz2002]
ecnalubma Offline
Prolific

Registered: Sat Apr 29 2006
Posts: 1549
Loc: Brisbane Queensland Australia 
I love the Ham Bush!!

Did not see that coming.
_________________________
[color:"purple"]Whether it's God or The Bomb, it's just the same
It's only fear under another name
[/color]

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#335549 - Fri Sep 19 2008 09:15 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ecnalubma]
gtho4 Online   FT-blank

Administrator

Registered: Sun Dec 26 1999
Posts: 44337
Loc: Sydney oz downunder           
How much does it cost a pirate to have his ears pierced?

About a buccaneer.

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#335550 - Fri Oct 10 2008 08:23 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Eraserhead]
ME93 Offline
Participant

Registered: Thu Oct 09 2008
Posts: 31
Loc: Sydney NSW Australia     
My friends dad told me this one-

Q.What do you get when Gerard Depardieu marries Whoppi Goldberg?

A. Whoopi Dupi-Doo

and

This one was on the back of a cheezle packet-

Teacher-Billy, the bell has gone.

Billy-But Miss,I didn't take it!
_________________________
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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#335551 - Sat Oct 11 2008 10:30 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Eraserhead]
malarson Offline
Participant

Registered: Wed Oct 11 2006
Posts: 35
Loc: Indiana USA
Person A: Knock knock.

Person B: Who's there?

Person A: A republican.

Person B: A republican who?

Person A: A white guy who's afraid of change.

A liberal friend of mine made this up to irk our conservative friend.

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#335552 - Thu Oct 30 2008 07:48 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: malarson]
MadMags Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat May 03 2008
Posts: 17092
Loc: Orosi Costa Rica              
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he look back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,







(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





The coffin stops.
_________________________
A smile is a curved line that sets things straight. ~ Anon.

Top
#335553 - Thu Oct 30 2008 01:59 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: MadMags]
The_lioness33 Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sat Feb 25 2006
Posts: 2869
Loc: Adelaide South Australia    
Oh Mags, that was horrible!

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.

Top
#335554 - Thu Oct 30 2008 03:06 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: The_lioness33]
Verbonica Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Tue May 16 2006
Posts: 259
Loc: Napa Valley California USA
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near
Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted
highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in
front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to
control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.


Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the
passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... with her head bleeding! Despite
the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical
assistance.



Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short
while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a
large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.



A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts,
"Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a
terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your
phone?"



"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a
doctor; come in and I will get him!"



Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my
assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical
training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."



With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following
closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from
exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.



After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious,
Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no
avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.



The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to
his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has
always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody
fills the house.



Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he
notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano
music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He
is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!



Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.



He bursts in and shouts to his master:

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>



"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Top
#335555 - Fri Oct 31 2008 10:15 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Verbonica]
jordandog Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Tue Apr 17 2007
Posts: 5097
Loc: Ohio USA         
I loved it, Verbonica!

Mags, I wonder how loud I would have to groan for you to hear me...
_________________________
The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.-- Richard Bach [i]Illusions

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#335556 - Fri Oct 31 2008 03:29 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Verbonica]
JaneMarple Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Fri Jan 30 2004
Posts: 14464
Loc: North West of England
Quote:

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near
Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted
highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in
front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to
control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.


Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the
passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... with her head bleeding! Despite
the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical
assistance.



Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short
while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a
large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.



A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts,
"Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a
terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your
phone?"



"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a
doctor; come in and I will get him!"



Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my
assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical
training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."



With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following
closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from
exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.



After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious,
Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no
avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.



The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to
his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has
always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody
fills the house.



Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he
notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano
music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He
is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!



Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.



He bursts in and shouts to his master:

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>



"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"




Very very good!!
_________________________
My mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.

Top
#335557 - Sat Nov 01 2008 07:55 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: JaneMarple]
adawaz Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Wed Sep 17 2008
Posts: 125
Loc: Guildford Western Australia   
A wifes birthday was fast approaching so husband asked her what she would like.With a sigh she responded that she would like to be eight again, The dear old husband arranged a myriad of events for her- the zoo,a theme park,jelly and ice cream,etc etc. They arrived home on the evening of her big day and the husband said "Well dear how does it feel to eight again "? The wife looked at him in amazement and said " I MEANT A SIZE 8" MORAL OF THE STORY -EVEN WHEN MEN ARE LISTENING THEY GET IT WRONG!

Top
#335558 - Sun Nov 02 2008 09:31 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: MadMags]
greedium Offline
Participant

Registered: Sun Nov 02 2008
Posts: 6
Loc: Aldershot England UK        
Quote:

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he look back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,







(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





The coffin stops.





LOL. I Actually laughed out loud, sometimes bad jokes are funny.
_________________________
I don't see problems, just challenges

Top
#335559 - Tue Nov 04 2008 12:26 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: adawaz]
BurnBabyBurn5 Offline
Participant

Registered: Tue Nov 04 2008
Posts: 9
Loc: Los Angeles California USA 
Quote:

A wifes birthday was fast approaching so husband asked her what she would like.With a sigh she responded that she would like to be eight again, The dear old husband arranged a myriad of events for her- the zoo,a theme park,jelly and ice cream,etc etc. They arrived home on the evening of her big day and the husband said "Well dear how does it feel to eight again "? The wife looked at him in amazement and said " I MEANT A SIZE 8" MORAL OF THE STORY -EVEN WHEN MEN ARE LISTENING THEY GET IT WRONG!




Sad. Haha.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?


Right where you left him.

Top
#335560 - Sat Nov 08 2008 01:25 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: BurnBabyBurn5]
deepakmr Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Sun Mar 16 2008
Posts: 9011
Loc: Bangalore India
What happened when the Elephant sat on the Mercedes?

Mercedes Bends

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#335561 - Thu Dec 04 2008 10:50 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: deepakmr]
deepakmr Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Sun Mar 16 2008
Posts: 9011
Loc: Bangalore India
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have guts!

Top
#335562 - Tue Jan 20 2009 02:14 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: deepakmr]
tsunamicharly Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Tue Dec 25 2007
Posts: 149
Loc: Memphis
Tennessee USA
A man is walking his Rottweiler on a hot day and decides to stop at a bar, for a drink. He ties up his dog and goes in for a cold beer. Just when he finishes, a woman enters asking if someone has a dog outside.
the man says, "Yes that's my Rottweiler."
"I'm sorry, sir, but you dog is dead."
"Did you hit him with your car"?
"No," she replies, "my dog killed him."
"What do you have, a Pit Bull?" the man inquires.
"No, a Chihuahua," she says.
"How on earth did your Chihuahua kill my Rottweiler?"
"I'm no vet, but I think she got stuck in his throat."

I know. It's horrid. Please don't kill me.
_________________________
Do I dare to eat a Peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk along the beach.

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#335563 - Tue Jan 20 2009 08:51 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: tsunamicharly]
MadMags Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat May 03 2008
Posts: 17092
Loc: Orosi Costa Rica              
Lol, tsunamicharly, that made me laugh out loud!!
_________________________
A smile is a curved line that sets things straight. ~ Anon.

Top
#335564 - Thu Jan 29 2009 10:37 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: MadMags]
Eraserhead Offline
Prolific

Registered: Tue Feb 25 2003
Posts: 1825
Loc: Outer Sydney NSW Australia    
Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs, tied to a wharf?

A. Maude

Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs, with two sausages on her back?

A. Barbie.

Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs, lying between two pieces of bread?

A. Marge
_________________________
Don't hatch all of your eggs in the one basket 'til the chicken hits the fan.

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#335565 - Fri Jan 30 2009 03:17 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Eraserhead]
The_lioness33 Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sat Feb 25 2006
Posts: 2869
Loc: Adelaide South Australia    
Ok, so one maths book says to another, 'boy, do you have problems.'

Top
#335566 - Sat Jan 31 2009 01:28 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: The_lioness33]
The_lioness33 Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sat Feb 25 2006
Posts: 2869
Loc: Adelaide South Australia    
How do you stop diseases spread by biting insects?

Don't bite any.

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#335567 - Tue Feb 10 2009 03:51 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: tsunamicharly]
gtho4 Online   FT-blank

Administrator

Registered: Sun Dec 26 1999
Posts: 44337
Loc: Sydney oz downunder           
    Quote:

    "How on earth did your Chihuahua kill my Rottweiler?"
    "I'm no vet, but I think she got stuck in his throat."


thanks mate,
now there's coffee all over my keyboard!

Top
#335568 - Tue Feb 10 2009 07:05 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: gtho4]
tsunamicharly Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Tue Dec 25 2007
Posts: 149
Loc: Memphis
Tennessee USA
Quote:

thanks mate,
now there's coffee all over my keyboard!




Sorry about that. Be glad I didn't post the other one.

Charly
_________________________
Do I dare to eat a Peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk along the beach.

Top
#335569 - Sat Feb 28 2009 10:44 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: tsunamicharly]
bikoz Offline
Mainstay

Registered: Fri Feb 27 2009
Posts: 974
Loc: Hyderabad
India
What's the penalty for bigamy?
- Two mother-in-laws.
-------------------------------
Ha ha. Many more to come!
_________________________
"There is nothing right in the left side of my brain and nothing is left in the right side of my brain."

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#335570 - Sun Mar 08 2009 08:36 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: bikoz]
Eraserhead Offline
Prolific

Registered: Tue Feb 25 2003
Posts: 1825
Loc: Outer Sydney NSW Australia    
Q. What's a bigamist?

A. A large Italian fog.
_________________________
Don't hatch all of your eggs in the one basket 'til the chicken hits the fan.

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