#335556 - Fri Oct 31 2008 03:29 PM
Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
[Re: Verbonica]
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Star Poster
Registered: Fri Jan 30 2004
Posts: 14327
Loc: North West of England
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Quote:
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near
Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted
highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in
front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to
control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the
passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... with her head bleeding! Despite
the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical
assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short
while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a
large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts,
"Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a
terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your
phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a
doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my
assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical
training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following
closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from
exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious,
Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no
avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to
his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has
always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody
fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he
notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano
music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He
is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
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"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
 Very very good!!
_________________________
My mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.
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#335558 - Sun Nov 02 2008 09:31 AM
Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
[Re: MadMags]
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Participant
Registered: Sun Nov 02 2008
Posts: 6
Loc: Aldershot England UK
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Quote:
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he look back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops.
LOL. I Actually laughed out loud, sometimes bad jokes are funny.
_________________________
I don't see problems, just challenges
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#335559 - Tue Nov 04 2008 12:26 PM
Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
[Re: adawaz]
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Participant
Registered: Tue Nov 04 2008
Posts: 9
Loc: Los Angeles California USA
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Quote:
A wifes birthday was fast approaching so husband asked her what she would like.With a sigh she responded that she would like to be eight again, The dear old husband arranged a myriad of events for her- the zoo,a theme park,jelly and ice cream,etc etc. They arrived home on the evening of her big day and the husband said "Well dear how does it feel to eight again "? The wife looked at him in amazement and said " I MEANT A SIZE 8" MORAL OF THE STORY -EVEN WHEN MEN ARE LISTENING THEY GET IT WRONG!
Sad. Haha. 
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
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#335562 - Tue Jan 20 2009 02:14 AM
Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
[Re: deepakmr]
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Forum Adept
Registered: Tue Dec 25 2007
Posts: 149
Loc: Memphis
Tennessee USA
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A man is walking his Rottweiler on a hot day and decides to stop at a bar, for a drink. He ties up his dog and goes in for a cold beer. Just when he finishes, a woman enters asking if someone has a dog outside.
the man says, "Yes that's my Rottweiler."
"I'm sorry, sir, but you dog is dead."
"Did you hit him with your car"?
"No," she replies, "my dog killed him."
"What do you have, a Pit Bull?" the man inquires.
"No, a Chihuahua," she says.
"How on earth did your Chihuahua kill my Rottweiler?"
"I'm no vet, but I think she got stuck in his throat."
I know. It's horrid. Please don't kill me.
_________________________
Do I dare to eat a Peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk along the beach.
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#335564 - Thu Jan 29 2009 10:37 PM
Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
[Re: MadMags]
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Prolific
Registered: Tue Feb 25 2003
Posts: 1816
Loc: Outer Sydney NSW Australia
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Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs, tied to a wharf?
A. Maude
Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs, with two sausages on her back?
A. Barbie.
Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs, lying between two pieces of bread?
A. Marge
_________________________
Don't hatch all of your eggs in the one basket 'til the chicken hits the fan.
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#335569 - Sat Feb 28 2009 10:44 AM
Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
[Re: tsunamicharly]
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Mainstay
Registered: Fri Feb 27 2009
Posts: 974
Loc: Hyderabad
India
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What's the penalty for bigamy?
- Two mother-in-laws.
-------------------------------
Ha ha. Many more to come!
_________________________
"There is nothing right in the left side of my brain and nothing is left in the right side of my brain."
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#335570 - Sun Mar 08 2009 08:36 PM
Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
[Re: bikoz]
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Prolific
Registered: Tue Feb 25 2003
Posts: 1816
Loc: Outer Sydney NSW Australia
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Q. What's a bigamist?
A. A large Italian fog.
_________________________
Don't hatch all of your eggs in the one basket 'til the chicken hits the fan.
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#335572 - Mon Mar 09 2009 06:09 AM
Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
[Re: ClaraSue]
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Forum Adept
Registered: Tue Dec 25 2007
Posts: 149
Loc: Memphis
Tennessee USA
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Q: What did the cannibal's wife give him, when he was late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder.
_________________________
Do I dare to eat a Peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk along the beach.
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#335576 - Thu Mar 26 2009 02:56 AM
Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
[Re: The_lioness33]
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Mainstay
Registered: Tue Jun 06 2000
Posts: 688
Loc: Missouri USA
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I did a search for these, and I don't think these have been posted...until now.  1) There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. ------ 2) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. So what did this make him? A super, callused, fragile, mystic, plagued with halitosis!  ------ 3) Census taker: How many children do you have? Woman: Four. Census taker: May I have their names, please? Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George. Census taker: Okay. May I ask why you named your fourth child George? Woman: Because we didn't want any Mo.  ------ K, one more: 4) Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." 
_________________________
The [color:"blue"]lion [/color]fell [color:"red"]in love [/color]with the [color:"pink"]lamb[/color].--Twilight
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#335581 - Tue Apr 28 2009 01:32 PM
Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
[Re: Eraserhead]
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Participant
Registered: Mon Apr 27 2009
Posts: 13
Loc: Massachusetts USA
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A star high school football player is failing math. All he has to do to be eligable to play is answering a single math question. The coach askes "What is 2+2?" He says 4. "Four, did you say four?" The other players in the lockeroom all say "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
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#335584 - Sat May 16 2009 01:56 AM
Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
[Re: The_lioness33]
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Forum Adept
Registered: Tue Dec 25 2007
Posts: 149
Loc: Memphis
Tennessee USA
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walk into a saloon and sit down to have a drink. After a few minutes, a cowboy walks in and calls out, "Who owns the big white horse hitched outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands up and says, "I do, why?"
The cowboy looks at him and says,"I thought you should know that your horse is nearly dead."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and sure enough, Silver is lying down, suffering from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger takes his hat off and fills it at a nearby trough. He lets Silver drink from it and soon Silver is feeling better.
"Kemosabe, I'll soak my blanket and run circles around him until he cools down" says Tonto.
"Thanks my friend," replies the Lone Ranger and returns to the saloon to get More drinks for Tonto and himself.
While waiting for the drinks, another cowboy enters and asks, Who has the white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger answers, "I do. What's wrong now?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,"Nothing, but I thought you should know you left your Injun running."
_________________________
Do I dare to eat a Peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk along the beach.
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