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#335396 - Tue Jan 30 2007 10:11 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: bethfay]
Copago Offline
Moderator

Registered: Tue May 15 2001
Posts: 14106
Loc: Australia



I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.
The Asian says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

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#335397 - Wed Jan 31 2007 01:58 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Copago]
Engadine Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sun Aug 08 2004
Posts: 3609
Loc: Sth East Qld Australia      
Okay, I know about a zillion of these (was married to an Irishman) and I'll apologise now . . . sorry , throw only money thanks!

Why do most Irish men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
An Irish electrician.

How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy 0'Furniture

Did you hear about the Irish helicopter crash?
The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

How do you confuse an Irishman?
Put him in a room full of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short.

Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.
_________________________
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy!

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#335398 - Wed Jan 31 2007 09:00 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Engadine]
gtho4 Offline

Administrator

Registered: Sun Dec 26 1999
Posts: 40204
Loc: Sydney oz downunder           
Why'd the Irishman take a ladder to the pub?
He heard drinks were on the house.

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#335399 - Wed Jan 31 2007 09:05 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: gtho4]
ozzz2002 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Mon Dec 03 2001
Posts: 16904
Loc: Sydney NSW Australia        
Mick and Patrick were walking home one evening and saw a sign saying "Tree Fellers Wanted- Generous Pay".

Mick turns to Paddy and says "A pity Sean is not here- that sounds like a great job!".
_________________________
The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not smashing it.

Editor, Hobbies and Sports, and Forum Moderator

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#335400 - Wed Jan 31 2007 11:45 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ozzz2002]
Bruyere Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat Feb 10 2001
Posts: 18342
Loc: California USA
Very cute!


How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.

Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?

Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark
_________________________
I was born under a wandering star.

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#335401 - Wed Jan 31 2007 12:31 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Bruyere]
skunkee Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Thu Oct 16 2003
Posts: 8851
Loc: Burlington Ontario Canada  
Quote:

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.





ROFLMAO!
_________________________
Editor: Movies/Celebrities/Crosswords

"To insult someone we call him 'bestial'. For deliberate cruelty and nature, 'human' might be the greater insult." - Isaac Asimov

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#335402 - Wed Jan 31 2007 05:37 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: skunkee]
Engadine Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sun Aug 08 2004
Posts: 3609
Loc: Sth East Qld Australia      
Lightbulb jokes are almost as bad as Irish ones, but, what the heck . . .

How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're supposed to keep the President in the dark.


How many voyeurs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they'd much rather watch someone else do it.


How many Englishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'd rather curse the darkness.


How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. Or alternatively; Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
_________________________
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy!

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#335403 - Wed Jan 31 2007 06:41 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: bethfay]
Wazootyman Offline
Learning the ropes...

Registered: Wed Jan 31 2007
Posts: 1
Loc: Little Rock Arkansas USA     
This one is only dirty if you want it to be.
Arnold Schwartzenegger has a long one.
Michael J. Fox has a short one.
Madonna doesn't have one at all.
The Pope doesn't use his any more.
What is it?

(a last name)

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#335404 - Wed Jan 31 2007 10:47 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Eraserhead]
Tai-Pan Offline
Participant

Registered: Tue Jan 30 2007
Posts: 45
Loc: Gold Coast QLD Australia
What do you call a man who sits on your porch all summer?
Paddy O'Furniture.
What do you call a man who continually bangs his head on a brick wall?
Rick O'Shea.
_________________________
'Leesen vairry carefully, I shall zay zis only vonce'...............from the TV comedy, 'Allo,'Allo!.

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#335405 - Wed Jan 31 2007 10:55 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Tai-Pan]
Tai-Pan Offline
Participant

Registered: Tue Jan 30 2007
Posts: 45
Loc: Gold Coast QLD Australia
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb As digging continues into the night!
_________________________
'Leesen vairry carefully, I shall zay zis only vonce'...............from the TV comedy, 'Allo,'Allo!.

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#335406 - Mon Mar 05 2007 05:56 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Tai-Pan]
Mozziebabe Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Sun Aug 27 2006
Posts: 227
Loc: Queensland Australia        
One cow turns to the other and says "Mooo!"
The other cow looks at him and says "Oi! That's what I was going to say!"

Two months later the same two cows are talking, and one says "So what do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other cow replies "what the hell would I know? I'm a toaster!"

_________________________
Over the piano was a sign saying, 'Please don't shoot the pianist; he's doing his best!' - Oscar Wilde

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#335407 - Tue Mar 06 2007 07:46 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Tai-Pan]
ren33 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11175
Loc: Fanling
  Hong Kong      
My favourite light bulb joke:
Why does it take 5 women with PMT to change a light bulb?
BECAUSE IT DAMN WELL DOES!!!!
_________________________
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#335408 - Tue Mar 06 2007 08:22 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ren33]
IndieQueen Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Tue Apr 17 2001
Posts: 7306
Loc: Pittsburgh Pennsylvania USA
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?


One less drunk at the Irish funeral.


Edited by ozzz2002 (Tue Mar 06 2007 02:03 PM)
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"One of the best features of Forums is that they allow people to parade their monumental stupidity, their hang-ups, their little prejudices in public."

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#335409 - Tue Mar 06 2007 09:31 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: IndieQueen]
lady1 Offline
Champion Poster

Registered: Wed Jun 07 2006
Posts: 20697
Loc: Gauteng South Africa          
What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?


Space!
_________________________
"If Life Were Easy Where Would All The Adventure Be?"

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#335410 - Tue Mar 06 2007 09:33 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: IndieQueen]
MrsWiggum Offline
Participant

Registered: Mon Mar 05 2007
Posts: 28
Loc: Schaumburg
Illinois USA    ...
What's 20 feet long and smells like urine?
A line dance at the retirement home.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!

What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

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#335411 - Tue Mar 06 2007 12:45 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: MrsWiggum]
angel_us Offline
Participant

Registered: Thu Jun 29 2006
Posts: 47
Loc: Sydney NSW Australia      
How many flamboyant men does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four. One to change it, three to stand around and exclaim " Faaaaaabulous"

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#335412 - Sat Mar 17 2007 03:01 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: angel_us]
kvrgirl1 Offline
Participant

Registered: Wed May 10 2006
Posts: 20
Loc: Washington State USA
What did the farmer say when he found three holes in the ground? "Well, well well."
_________________________
If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself!

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#335413 - Sun Mar 25 2007 05:51 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Eraserhead]
luddy2 Offline
Participant

Registered: Sat Mar 17 2007
Posts: 34
Loc: Walsall
West Midlands UK
What do you call a woman who throws her bills on the fire? Bernadette
_________________________
Oh what tangled webs we weave,when first we practise to deceive... Sir Walter Scott

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#335414 - Tue Mar 27 2007 10:15 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: luddy2]
tim10001 Offline
Prolific

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 1006
Loc: Concord
  California USA   
Who is the most important person at a Mexican wedding?


The guy with the jumper cables!

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#335415 - Tue Mar 27 2007 05:11 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: tim10001]
Bruyere Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat Feb 10 2001
Posts: 18342
Loc: California USA
Oh boy Tim!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.


For some odd reason, like my need to get a life perhaps, this one sent me into gales of laughter.


A cowboy moseys into a saloon and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've all gone to the hanging." The cowboy asked, "Who are they hanging?" The bartender answered, "Brown Paper Pete." "What kind of name is Brown Paper Pete," the cowboy asked. The bartender explained, "Well, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes." The cowboy said, &"That's weird. What are they hanging him for?" The bartender said, "Rustling!"



and:

Once upon a time an evil king captured a princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful, the evil king forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will come and rescue me!" The evil king replied, "Not in that thing!" She waited day and night, but it was just as the evil king had said. Every knight who saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgusting, smelly burlap dress. After many months, the princess broke down crying. The evil king taunted the princess, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"
_________________________
I was born under a wandering star.

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#335416 - Tue Mar 27 2007 10:15 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Bruyere]
lostsanity Offline
Participant

Registered: Tue Dec 26 2006
Posts: 7
Loc: Stornoway Isle of Lewis UK
Rene Descartes walks into his local bar.
The barman asks, "Hi Rene, having your usual?".
Descartes ponders this and replies "I think not", whereupon he disappears.


A little boy is looking over his parents wedding photos when he turns to his mother and asks her, "Mom, why is your wedding dress white?".
"That was to show that I was pure" she replied.
Not really understanding what that meant he went out to the garage to ask his father.
"Dad" he said, "why was Moms wedding dress white?"
"Heck, son" the father replied "Don't you know that all kitchen appliances come like that."
_________________________
"Life is simple, meta-morphologically speaking"

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#335417 - Wed Mar 28 2007 10:55 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: lostsanity]
tim10001 Offline
Prolific

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 1006
Loc: Concord
  California USA   
Two angels, we'll call them Clarence and Bob, had just gotten their wings.
After years of hard work in heaven, to celebrate, they decided to go to earth for a bit of fun. As they left the pearly gates, Saint Peter reminded them
that to preserve their newly winged status they had to be back by midnight
in good condition and with all of their
newly issued angel equipment. So they
take off and as luck would have it they decided to go to New Orleans, and also as luck would have it, it happened to be Fat Tuesday. Turned out to be fortuitous because New Orleans in the midst of Mardi Gras is one of the few places on earth where two angels in full angel regalia, golden robes, haloes
wings(of course), and golden harps, attract little or no special attention from anyone. So they hang out on the street with the assembled revelers for a while, witnessing behaviors they had never seen before or even imagined. At some point in all of this they find themselves in front of a combination
seafood joint and dancing venue called
Sam's Clam Disco. The man at the door
calls them over saying,"Hey, nice costumes", and tells them they should come inside and take part in the Mardi
Gras costume contest that was about to begin. Clarence looks at Bob, Bob looks at Clarence, they both simultaneously
shrug their shoulders and say well, what harm could it do, and they go inside. The patrons and staff are very friendly and generous and because of their fine costumes someone hands each of them a beer. And so the evening wears on, with the two angels getting caught up in the celebration and revelry. And the music is loud and the drinks flow freely and everyone has quite a lot of fun. There are many
costumed patrons and one by one they
are invited to go up on the stage
to be judged by the applause of the crowd. Finally, it is Bob and Clarence's turn. By this time they are both happily drunk, and they stumble, giggling onto the stage. The applause is deafening. They won the contest. There is much hand shaking and back slapping and they are presented
with a huge trophy, and everyone in the bar it seems wants to buy them a drink.
So the night of celebration goes on, and on, and on. Finally Clarence notices a clock on the wall behind the bar and it says 11:55 pm. He immediatly jumps up, grabs Bob by the arm, and they
both run from the bar, hastily saying goodbye to all their new friends as they go. When they get back to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter is there tapping the toe of his shoe on the gruond, looking at his watch, with a stern expression on his face, and he says, "Well, you guys just made it, but you are a sight". And they were. Robes and wings filthy, haloes crooked, falling down drunk, you get the picture.
Then Peter notices the huge trophy Bob is holding and says,"Looks like you traded one piece of hardware for another
down there tonight". The light of recognition of things forgotten instantly comes across Bob's face, and he blurts out," Oh my god. We have to go back. I left my harp in Sam's Clam Disco".

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#335418 - Wed Mar 28 2007 05:57 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: tim10001]
ozzz2002 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Mon Dec 03 2001
Posts: 16904
Loc: Sydney NSW Australia        
Tim, that was awful!

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#335419 - Tue Apr 03 2007 03:50 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ozzz2002]
King01 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Thu Dec 28 2006
Posts: 477
Loc: West Virginia USA
Q: Why was the water fountain arrested?

A: For Being Drunk in Public

Q: What do you call "My Cheese" ?

A: Nacho Cheese

...Those are the dumbest ones I can think of off the top of my head.

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#335420 - Fri Apr 06 2007 01:58 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: King01]
romeomikegolf Offline

Administrator

Registered: Wed Apr 07 2004
Posts: 4875
Loc: Rothwell Northants England UK 
Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can get closer to the kitchen sink.
_________________________
Reality is an illusion brought about by lack of alcohol

Would the last person to leave the planet please turn off the lights.

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