One cow turns to the other and says "Mooo!"
The other cow looks at him and says "Oi! That's what I was going to say!"

Two months later the same two cows are talking, and one says "So what do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other cow replies "what the hell would I know? I'm a toaster!"

My favourite light bulb joke:
Why does it take 5 women with PMT to change a light bulb?
BECAUSE IT DAMN WELL DOES!!!!

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?


One less drunk at the Irish funeral.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?


Space!

What's 20 feet long and smells like urine?
A line dance at the retirement home.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!

What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

How many flamboyant men does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four. One to change it, three to stand around and exclaim " Faaaaaabulous"

What did the farmer say when he found three holes in the ground? "Well, well well."

What do you call a woman who throws her bills on the fire? Bernadette

Who is the most important person at a Mexican wedding?


The guy with the jumper cables!

Oh boy Tim!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.


For some odd reason, like my need to get a life perhaps, this one sent me into gales of laughter.


A cowboy moseys into a saloon and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've all gone to the hanging." The cowboy asked, "Who are they hanging?" The bartender answered, "Brown Paper Pete." "What kind of name is Brown Paper Pete," the cowboy asked. The bartender explained, "Well, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes." The cowboy said, &"That's weird. What are they hanging him for?" The bartender said, "Rustling!"



and:

Once upon a time an evil king captured a princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful, the evil king forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will come and rescue me!" The evil king replied, "Not in that thing!" She waited day and night, but it was just as the evil king had said. Every knight who saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgusting, smelly burlap dress. After many months, the princess broke down crying. The evil king taunted the princess, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"

Rene Descartes walks into his local bar.
The barman asks, "Hi Rene, having your usual?".
Descartes ponders this and replies "I think not", whereupon he disappears.


A little boy is looking over his parents wedding photos when he turns to his mother and asks her, "Mom, why is your wedding dress white?".
"That was to show that I was pure" she replied.
Not really understanding what that meant he went out to the garage to ask his father.
"Dad" he said, "why was Moms wedding dress white?"
"Heck, son" the father replied "Don't you know that all kitchen appliances come like that."

Two angels, we'll call them Clarence and Bob, had just gotten their wings.
After years of hard work in heaven, to celebrate, they decided to go to earth for a bit of fun. As they left the pearly gates, Saint Peter reminded them
that to preserve their newly winged status they had to be back by midnight
in good condition and with all of their
newly issued angel equipment. So they
take off and as luck would have it they decided to go to New Orleans, and also as luck would have it, it happened to be Fat Tuesday. Turned out to be fortuitous because New Orleans in the midst of Mardi Gras is one of the few places on earth where two angels in full angel regalia, golden robes, haloes
wings(of course), and golden harps, attract little or no special attention from anyone. So they hang out on the street with the assembled revelers for a while, witnessing behaviors they had never seen before or even imagined. At some point in all of this they find themselves in front of a combination
seafood joint and dancing venue called
Sam's Clam Disco. The man at the door
calls them over saying,"Hey, nice costumes", and tells them they should come inside and take part in the Mardi
Gras costume contest that was about to begin. Clarence looks at Bob, Bob looks at Clarence, they both simultaneously
shrug their shoulders and say well, what harm could it do, and they go inside. The patrons and staff are very friendly and generous and because of their fine costumes someone hands each of them a beer. And so the evening wears on, with the two angels getting caught up in the celebration and revelry. And the music is loud and the drinks flow freely and everyone has quite a lot of fun. There are many
costumed patrons and one by one they
are invited to go up on the stage
to be judged by the applause of the crowd. Finally, it is Bob and Clarence's turn. By this time they are both happily drunk, and they stumble, giggling onto the stage. The applause is deafening. They won the contest. There is much hand shaking and back slapping and they are presented
with a huge trophy, and everyone in the bar it seems wants to buy them a drink.
So the night of celebration goes on, and on, and on. Finally Clarence notices a clock on the wall behind the bar and it says 11:55 pm. He immediatly jumps up, grabs Bob by the arm, and they
both run from the bar, hastily saying goodbye to all their new friends as they go. When they get back to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter is there tapping the toe of his shoe on the gruond, looking at his watch, with a stern expression on his face, and he says, "Well, you guys just made it, but you are a sight". And they were. Robes and wings filthy, haloes crooked, falling down drunk, you get the picture.
Then Peter notices the huge trophy Bob is holding and says,"Looks like you traded one piece of hardware for another
down there tonight". The light of recognition of things forgotten instantly comes across Bob's face, and he blurts out," Oh my god. We have to go back. I left my harp in Sam's Clam Disco".

Tim, that was awful!

Q: Why was the water fountain arrested?

A: For Being Drunk in Public

Q: What do you call "My Cheese" ?

A: Nacho Cheese

...Those are the dumbest ones I can think of off the top of my head.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can get closer to the kitchen sink.

Oh that is awful romeomikegolf!

The Irish Government sent 2000 troops to assist in the Gulf War. The Mexicans still aren't sure what to do with them.

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They just hold it and the world revolves around them.

Did you hear about the Irish shoplifter?...They found him dead under Walmart.

customer: why do you claim this cabinet is made of cedar wood?
salesman: you scrape off da paint you can see da wood

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

How do you make anti-freeze?
Take away her blanket.

What do you call Robin Hood's mother?
Mother Hood.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit a fire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

here is a really bad knock knock joke

knock knock
whos there
boo
boo who
no need to cry its only a joke...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To see his friend Gregory, peck!

The worst one I've ever heard...

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff!

Two men were sat in an Indian restaurant when a car crashed through the window. Both survived, but one now has a dicky tikka and the other is in a korma.

Customer in restaurant-"waiter, have you got frogs' legs?"


Waiter - "No sir, it's just the way I walk!"

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because the chicken was sick!

Bob Dylan goes into a bar and asks for a coffee. He shouts over to the waiter " hey this coffee tastes like mud"
Waiter replies " so it should, it was ground this morning.

Bilingual joke here:

THere was once a famous French chef giving a demonstration of making one of the classic French recipes, an omelette.
With great flair, he cracked one egg, beat it, cooked it and one of the young chefs timidly raised his hand to pose the question burning his mind. The English chef said, 'But Maitre, why have you only used one egg?'

'C'est simple, one egg's enough.'

What goes black and white and black and white and black and white?

A nun falling down some stairs.