No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere
disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad
that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still
parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving
a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh
and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on
your bowels.

3 star hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you, you gag because her perfume reminds you of
the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the
bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your
bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion
awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter
of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,
(girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars).
Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a
reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.

5 star hangover,(*****) aka "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability
to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty
good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where
you were, what you drank, or why there is a stranger still sleeping in your
bed at your house.

6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker"

You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the
ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the
bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your
roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you
the next morning. You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when
you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of
cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but
not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked
them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only
to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly across your
forehead......that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has
magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be
at work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can
think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers. You
decide to go back to the same place tonight to prove you can do it
right. You don't know that the bouncer, with eighteen stitches and a handgun,
is looking forward to seeing you again. Which explains why your swollen
lower lip is larger than your nose. As you look up from the porcelain you're
hanging on to for dear life, you wonder who put the happy face sticker
on the back of your toilet.