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#981169 - Sat Apr 27 2013 11:40 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
surdoux Offline
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Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 293
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#981273 - Sun Apr 28 2013 12:17 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: Jakeroo]
remote9 Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Sun Mar 31 2013
Posts: 119
Loc: Kolkata India
Originally Posted By: Jakeroo
A botanist was trying to research some details about a particular kind of fern, so he sent a request to all his collegues, asking them to send him any information they had about it.

Unfortunately, he didn't word his request very well, and all the botanists he'd contacted thought he was looking for details about any ferns, rather than just the one species. So within just a few hours of sending it out, his fax machine was buzzing with piles of useless documents about all kinds of ferns - there were tree ferns and wood ferns, ostrich ferns and cinnamon ferns... but very few about the particular type he wanted.

So he sent another message to everyone:

If it ain't bracken, don't fax it.


Hee hee hee.
_________________________
Patience is a virtue taught by the most unpleasant of teachers.

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#982691 - Sun May 05 2013 11:22 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
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Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1925
Loc: Alberta Canada
Good one Surdoux!
------------------------------

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts - Hattie and Sophia - who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, "Big Bill" was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.

Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. But when they had heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.

In fact, even to this very day, their acheivements are remembered as the remarkable Pie rates of Penn's aunts.
_________________________
I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun.
Charles R. Swindoll



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#982708 - Mon May 06 2013 01:39 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
ren33 Online   content
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11324
Loc: Fanling
  Hong Kong      
Arrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!! Oh That is awful!!!
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Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#982793 - Mon May 06 2013 12:28 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 293
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    

At last, I've found the reason that women ask so many questions.

They have an extra why chromosome.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#982794 - Mon May 06 2013 12:32 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
surdoux Offline
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Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 293
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours. He is about to die. Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand, he comes to three market stalls. The man (half-thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands, "I need water, sell me some water."
"Sorry, Sir," replies the stall owner, "I only sell custard."
The man, visibly taken aback, goes up to the second stall and again asks for water.
"I'm afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream," replies the second stall owner.
The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs, "please, I need water now or I'll die."
"Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands," replies the final stall owner.
His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands, "You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?"
"I know, Sir," says the first stall owner, "it's a trifle bazaar."
_________________________
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#982817 - Mon May 06 2013 03:33 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
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Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1925
Loc: Alberta Canada
Why thanks Ren, but I think Surdoux's really um.. takes the cake re: the groan factor lol
_________________________
I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun.
Charles R. Swindoll



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#982853 - Mon May 06 2013 05:38 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
ren33 Online   content
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11324
Loc: Fanling
  Hong Kong      
Yes I agree. It's worse if that were possible!
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Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#982904 - Tue May 07 2013 04:03 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 293
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
I've got some REALLY bad ones:-

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
"It's raining, of course," Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."

To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
_________________________
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#982936 - Tue May 07 2013 07:19 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
MikeMaster99 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Sun Oct 23 2011
Posts: 475
Loc: Melbourne VIC Australia      
Wonderfully bad, Surdoux! Please keep them coming...

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#982938 - Tue May 07 2013 07:49 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: MikeMaster99]
ren33 Online   content
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11324
Loc: Fanling
  Hong Kong      
Originally Posted By: MikeMaster99
Wonderfully bad, Surdoux! Please keep them coming...

Argh! Don't encourage him!
_________________________
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#982943 - Tue May 07 2013 08:01 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
dippo Offline
Mainstay

Registered: Sat Jun 14 2008
Posts: 579
Loc: London
England UK         
There was a mad scientist, who developed a way of making bottle nosed dolphins live forever. The problem was, they had to be fed a diet of nothing but dead mynah birds.

Being a mad scientist, he couldn't exactly get them on the open market, so he stole the birds from the local zoo.

One night, he was at the zoo making his regular "visit". As he was leaving with his bag of mynahs, he saw a lion, sleeping in the doorway he had to pass to leave.

Carefully and quietly, he stepped over the lion, reached the outside, and was immediately arrested. The police charged him with:

"Transporting mynahs across a staid lion for immortal porpoises"

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#982944 - Tue May 07 2013 08:14 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 293
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
Edward Deidde, the man who spent his entire life explaining that his surname was "deed" has collapsed.

He was airlifted to hospital where he was pronounced dead
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#983974 - Wed May 15 2013 05:15 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
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Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1925
Loc: Alberta Canada
good ones dippo and surdoux!
__________________________________________________

It's little known that William Shakespeare, as well as writing, also enjoyed a good game of rubgy in his spare time.

So, the team is assembled for practice one Saturday afternoon. It is the middle of winter, and even for England, it is cold and wet. The pitch is a muddy swamp, and the players decide that they simply can't play in these conditions. So they go to the club-house for a bit, but they very quickly get bored. And then one of the players has a bright idea: Why don't we all go over to William's house? William Shakespeare is doubtful, but they persuade him, and pretty soon, the whole squad is relaxing in his living room.

Well, they're rugby players, and true to the stereotype, they all quickly get drunk, and of course, they come up with the even better idea - of having their rugby practice in the house. William has also been drinking, so he's easy to persuade this time, and after moving some furniture out of the way, they get down to the serious business of practicing their sport.

Meanwhile, not far away, the King has just had a great idea for a play, and dispatches a messenger to summon his favorite playwright. The messenger arrives at the house, and he can hear this enormous commotion from inside, with shouting and crashes, and he thinks that William Shakespeare must be getting attacked. He braces himself, and crashes through the front door... and lands directly in the path of two groups of large hairy rugby players.

The messenger is pinned to the floor for a while, and he can't move. He does manage to free himself momentarily, before getting trapped again, up against a wall. Finally, he escapes, and returns to the palace as quickly as his mangled body will allow.

The king takes one look at him, and gasps. "What happened to you?" he asks.
"I think," said the messenger, "that I got caught between a ruck and a bard's place."


Edited by Jakeroo (Wed May 15 2013 05:17 PM)
_________________________
I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun.
Charles R. Swindoll



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#983991 - Wed May 15 2013 09:17 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
ozzz2002 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Mon Dec 03 2001
Posts: 17148
Loc: Sydney NSW Australia        
Jakeroo, that is awful! smile

(PS- got any more?)
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The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not smashing it.

Editor, Hobbies and Sports, and Forum Moderator

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#984150 - Thu May 16 2013 03:46 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 293
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
The wife asked, "What's a comet?"

I said, "It's a star with a tail."

She said, "Can you name one then?"

I said, "Lassie."
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#984155 - Thu May 16 2013 04:09 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
dippo Offline
Mainstay

Registered: Sat Jun 14 2008
Posts: 579
Loc: London
England UK         
A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

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#984201 - Thu May 16 2013 11:53 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
Prolific

Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1925
Loc: Alberta Canada
LOL you two!
_________________________
I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun.
Charles R. Swindoll



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#984202 - Thu May 16 2013 11:55 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
Prolific

Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1925
Loc: Alberta Canada
ozzzz, you must be a glutton for punishment lol. Here you go...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch-over 20 minutes-where the bass violins don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sneak out of the orchestra and go across the street to the tavern. The other bass players agreed that this was a splendid idea, and a few minutes later, the basses were in the bar, knocking back drinks at a prodigious rate.

This went on for some time, with all the bass players becoming rather inebriated. One of them happened to look down at his watch and exclaimed, "We'd better get back to our seats or we're going to miss our cue!"

"Relax," said the section leader, "I've got it all taken care of. You see, before the performance started tonight I anticipated this problem, so I took a piece of string and I tied the conductor's score shut. He won't be able to turn the pages when he gets to that part. He'll have to stop the orchestra for a few minutes so he can get it untied. We'll have plenty of time!"

The other bass players praised his inventiveness with one final round of drinks. Then they made their way back across the street to the concert hall, and staggered drunkenly to their seats.

Sure enough, about this time the conductor started to have trouble with his score. He tried to fidget with it, hoping he could solve the problem without having to stop the performance. Unfortunately, he couldn't get the pages to turn, and at last he had to stop the orchestra and spend a few minutes untying the string that held the last section of the score bound. The conductor was clearly annoyed and more than a little frazzled.

This, of course, did not go unnoticed by the audience. One woman in the crowd remarked to her husband, "That conductor looks upset and rather nervous."

"Of course he's nervous," the husband replied. "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."
_________________________
I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun.
Charles R. Swindoll



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#984290 - Fri May 17 2013 03:04 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 293
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
A good friend of mine has just gone off to work for the tourist board on a tropical island.

She sells Seychelles by the sea shore.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#987283 - Sat Jun 08 2013 04:16 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger".
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I changed my mind again...

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#987285 - Sat Jun 08 2013 04:18 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
The Mole Family

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
' Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine,
'Geez, all I can smell is....


MOLASSES!'
_________________________
I changed my mind again...

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#987313 - Sat Jun 08 2013 07:51 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
MikeMaster99 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Sun Oct 23 2011
Posts: 475
Loc: Melbourne VIC Australia      
As always, am loving these. Jakeroo, that was truly special. The long build up leading to the truly dreadful pun. Brilliant!!

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#987614 - Mon Jun 10 2013 11:30 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Lones78 Offline
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Registered: Mon Apr 27 2009
Posts: 1405
Loc: Forrestfield Western Australia
Zippo - I'm sure there is still a little bit of my chicken stir-fry on my screen after reading those last two! smile
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In the process of thinking up something deep and meaningful to have as a signature line... grin

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#987933 - Wed Jun 12 2013 10:29 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
Prolific

Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1925
Loc: Alberta Canada
Have you ever "snorted" a laugh and pepsi came out your nose? It's quite painful, but zippo's jokes could be termed 'worth it' lol.

Mike: thanks. I can't claim authorship, but I was actually "going for" dreadful. You made my day : )))

and here's something perhaps not equally dreadful..
__________________________________________-

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost decended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.

"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.

Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.

Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.

He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence: ......

"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."
_________________________
I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun.
Charles R. Swindoll



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