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#987946 - Wed Jun 12 2013 11:49 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
MikeMaster99 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Sun Oct 23 2011
Posts: 477
Loc: Melbourne VIC Australia      
ohhhh - the spectre of such illumination should be front page news!

Please Sir/Miss, could I have some more

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#987979 - Thu Jun 13 2013 02:08 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
Mr and Mrs Noose and their son Norbert, lived in a cottage in the woods.

One morning, Mr Noose popped out to buy a newspaper and croissants for breakfast, but he disappeared, never to return.

The next morning, Mrs Noose checked the cupboards and realised that she just had to go food shopping. She instructed Norbert to stay indoors, collected her basket and set off to the shops. She never returned.

Three days later, a starving Norbert emptied his piggy bank and set off to the shops to buy some food. He was never seen again.

That is the end of the Noose, here is the weather forecast.
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I changed my mind again...

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#987982 - Thu Jun 13 2013 02:32 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
Hartley Hare was a mischievous chap, he liked nothing more than sneaking up behind fairies in the woods and tugging them off their toadstools by their wings. The fairies hated it and kept complaining to the King of the Fairies.

Hartley had one particularly good day and had just tweaked the wings of his fifth fairy when *CRASH, BANG, WALLOP* he found himself in front of the King of the Fairies. Hartley Hare hung his head in shame as his list of misdeeds was read out to him. He was warned as to his future behaviour and told that there would be dire consequences, should he persist. A penitent Hartley Hare was returned to the woods.

Although he tried very hard to be good, Hartley Hare found one particular pair of dangly, glittery wings totally irresistible. He tiptoed up behind the fairy and gave a sharp tug and *CRASH, BANG, WALLOP* he was back in front of the King of the Fairies. Hartley knew that he was in big trouble and waited to hear his fate.

The King was totally incensed at the callous attitude of Hartley Hare and decided that the situation must be dealt with in a way that would show that such disrespect towards fairy-kind would not be tolerated. His decision was that Hartley Hare would be transformed into the lowest of the low, a Goon. The King of the Fairies told Hartley Hare that the transformation would take place sometime during the following day, to give him chance to get his affairs into order. Hartley Hare was then returned to the woods.

Hartley Hare wandered off down the woodland path feeling so sorry for himself. He shook his head in a sad way and was heard to mutter under his breath, "Hare today, Goon tomorrow".


Edited by zippolover (Thu Jun 13 2013 02:34 AM)
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I changed my mind again...

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#987987 - Thu Jun 13 2013 02:53 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
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I changed my mind again...

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#987989 - Thu Jun 13 2013 02:56 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims by playing classical music that they would gladly offer themselves up to be his next meal just to get away from it?

His Bach was worse than his bite.
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I changed my mind again...

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#987990 - Thu Jun 13 2013 03:16 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
A Shetland pony trots into a chemist and asks for some Strepsils.

Chemist asks: "Are you a little hoarse?"
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I changed my mind again...

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#988017 - Thu Jun 13 2013 06:48 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
ren33 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11357
Loc: Fanling
  Hong Kong      
Now, you know, OLDER people will remember the adverts with the picture of a toothy cartoon horse.
"Hoarse? Go suck a Zube"
_________________________
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#988058 - Thu Jun 13 2013 10:01 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 294
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
Driving past a jail, I saw a very small prisoner climbing down a wall.
He turned and sneered at me, I thought "That's a little condescending"
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#988308 - Fri Jun 14 2013 02:07 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
Two fishermen were in a boat by the lake, when one of them stood to catch a fish in a net. As he scooped up the carp, his wallet fell out of his back pocket. As the seemingly doomed wallet started to sink to the lake bottom, the carp slipped out of the net and swam after it, re-emerging with it on his nose.

However, instead of returning it, he tossed it to one of his fish buddies, who balanced it on his nose. More of more of fish-buddies emerged from the water and all of them played this strange game of keep-away with the man’s wallet. The first man watched, slack jawed. He said to the other “Have you ever seen anything like this before?”

The second man answered “Sure I have. Haven’t you heard of carp-to-carp walleting?”
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I changed my mind again...

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#988309 - Fri Jun 14 2013 02:08 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
Did you hear they found a narcissistic male lion whose females had turned on him?

Turns out it was his pride that did him in.
_________________________
I changed my mind again...

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#988319 - Fri Jun 14 2013 03:19 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
A doctor at a busy hospital always used to stop off at the local staff pub on the way back for a beverage, more precisely a hazelnut daiquiri.

The landlord would always have the drink ready and waiting for when the doctor walked in. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the landlord was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut syrup. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory syrup instead and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "Are you sure this is a hazelnut daiquiri?"

"No," replied the landlord,

...






"It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
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I changed my mind again...

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#988349 - Fri Jun 14 2013 08:17 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
TCEB Offline
Participant

Registered: Sun Feb 14 2010
Posts: 12
Loc: North Somercotes England UK   
A very old one comes to mind...
The court jester was notorious for his appalling puns. So bad did they become that the king lost his temper and condemned the jester to death.

He was standing on the scaffold with the rope round his neck when a messenger arrived from the king. After cooling down, he had decided to reprieve the errant jester on the condition that he never made a bad pun again.

The jester was so relieved that he exclaimed "Ah well, no noose is good noose!".

So they hanged him.

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#989162 - Mon Jun 17 2013 10:13 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
Prolific

Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1932
Loc: Alberta Canada
Zippo: you're on a roll! (it's looking rather squashed at the moment lol). Yes, I know, crumby joke - but you put forward some great ones up there!

TCEB: loved yours too!
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I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun.
Charles R. Swindoll



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#991676 - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:05 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I've been carrying. I'm ex-static!
_________________________
I changed my mind again...

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#991678 - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:08 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
A while back, there were two kingdoms situated close by each other. One kingdom had a powerful king and the other had a relatively weak king. The difference, or so everybody said, was that the powerful king had a magic throne, which had the property of making people powerful.

Well, the weak king wanted this throne, so he had a trusted count get up an army (you know, knights, pages, reporters, that kind of thing) to fetch it. The army trudged along for a day or two (only the reporters would know for sure) and came upon the powerful king's castle.

The castle entrance was guarded by a huge yellow monster with huge yellow hands. The army (being an army and all) attacked!

The huge Yellow Monster ate them all, except for two pages who did not engage in the fight. The pages, being very young and frightened, hid until nightfall.

When night came along, the pages peeked from their hiding place and saw that the monster was asleep. The only thing guarding the entrance now was the monsters huge hands draped in front of the opening. The pages, being only 8 years old and small, were able to squeeze through the yellow fingers and gain entrance into the castle.

Moral: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
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I changed my mind again...

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#991680 - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:11 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
Two guys were stranded on a desert island. The only way they could get food was to kill sea birds by throwing rocks at them. By the time they were rescued, ... They had left no tern unstoned.
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I changed my mind again...

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#991681 - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:12 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but ,alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled

"You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"

"What for ?",the mad scientist asked.

And the answer was:

For making an obscene clone fall.
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I changed my mind again...

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#991683 - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:26 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
190,000,000 years ago, at the beginning of the Jurassic period, cave children loved to hop onto the back of a friendly Stegosaurus, whose distinctive high-arched body reached twenty feet.

One day, to his parents' horror, a toddler leaped off a precipice, oblivious to the fact that, seconds before, the great beast below had lumbered off.

"Poor kid," said his father, shaking his head, "he hasn't got a Steg to land on."
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I changed my mind again...

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#991684 - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:28 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
A Czechoslovakian hunter and his French partner were in the midst of a safari when they happened upon two hungry tigers, a fierce male and his mate. A furious battle ensued, in which the hunters were killed. After which, each tiger ate a hunter. Far off atop a hill, a shepherd had witnessed the whole battle. He ran home, grabbed his high powered assault rifle and returned to blow the tigers away. After descending the hill, he first cut open the female tiger, discovering the remains of the Frenchman inside.

"That settles it," said the shepherd, "The Czech's in the male."
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I changed my mind again...

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#991685 - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:33 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!" Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him! What is the moral of this story?

Better Nate than lever!
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I changed my mind again...

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#991688 - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:37 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he had trouble selling it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in different towns in order to drum up publicity. While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could see what he was doing at night.

This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation!
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I changed my mind again...

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#991693 - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:41 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
The recent lock-out of the Major League umpires was making them all grumpy. After a tough day of walking the picket lines, one umpire returned home to find that his young boy wanted to play with him. As the tired umpire was sitting in his favourite easy chair, the lad kept trying to crawl onto his lap. The umpire snapped, yelled at the boy and he ran away crying.

This proves the old adage: The Son Never Sits on the Brutish Umpire.
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I changed my mind again...

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#991718 - Wed Jun 26 2013 05:35 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
A German farmer with relatives in the US sent them a package consisting of some pork sausages made from his old pig. When they complained that the package had not yet arrived, he wrote: "Cheer up. The wurst is yet to come."
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I changed my mind again...

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#991739 - Wed Jun 26 2013 08:05 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
Mr and Mrs Lion leave to go on a hunting trip. As usual they tell their two cubs to stay indoors and out of sight. Unfortunately the cubs were growing up and soon got bored. When they noticed a herd of wildebeest passing by, they decided to go have a spot of tracking practice. To their delighted surprise, they managed to catch two stragglers and settled down to enjoy the unexpected feast. Just as they finished licking to blood off of their whiskers, their parents appeared over the horizon. One cub turned to the other and said:

That is the end of the gnus and here are the head lions.
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I changed my mind again...

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#1006921 - Tue Aug 27 2013 06:52 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
vendome Offline
Prolific

Registered: Sun May 21 2000
Posts: 1778
Loc: Body: PA USA Heart: Paris   
Roy just purchased new shoes. He laid them on the floor and, during the night, one of the two family cats clawed and bit one of the shoes. His wife awoke the next morning, saw the damage, nudged Roy and asked: "Pardon me Roy. Is that the cat that chewed your new shoe?"

You have to be over 50 to 'get' this one.
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I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
Yogi Berra

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