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#1014805 - Tue Oct 08 2013 10:54 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
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Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1960
Loc: Alberta Canada
Oh, now don't slot everyone into an "age" group - I'm sure there's a few younger folks among us who watch classic movie channels and might have caught "Sun Valley Serenade" starring Glenn Miller et al. That movie is worth watching just to see the Nicholas Brothers at work! (hmm, I feel a quiz coming on ...)

---------------
Anyneigh...

A farmer had a herd of talking horses. One day he goes to count the herd and notices one horse is missing. He asks the remaining horses what happened but none would say a word. This happened several more nights in a row, and the farmer was really getting frustrated that his horses would not tell him what was happening.

Finally, he told them that every time a horse wound up missing and they wouldn't talk, he'd weed out one horse at a time and send it to the Great Pasture in the Sky if it wouldn't fess up. This went on until finally the farmer had no more talking horses.

The moral of the story? You can weed a horse to slaughter, but you can't make him fink!



Edited by Jakeroo (Tue Oct 08 2013 10:55 PM)
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Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense
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#1014992 - Thu Oct 10 2013 06:18 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
romeomikegolf Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Wed Apr 07 2004
Posts: 4875
Loc: Rothwell Northants England†UK†
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
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Reality is an illusion brought about by lack of alcohol

Would the last person to leave the planet please turn off the lights.

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#1015132 - Thu Oct 10 2013 11:47 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
JanIQ Offline
Mainstay

Registered: Thu Jul 09 2009
Posts: 590
Loc: Antwerp<br>Belgium
Unless you're all thumbs...
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I dreamt of spending a day riding a stallion. It was a nightmare.

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#1015329 - Fri Oct 11 2013 01:27 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
Prolific

Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1960
Loc: Alberta Canada
lol! Puns are supposed to be deplorable, so RMG's response is perfect. And great riposte Jan!

And speaking of swordplay (since the pun is mightier than the sword):

definition of Passť: All those other sports you tried before fencing
_________________________
Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense
- Gertrude Stein


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#1015378 - Fri Oct 11 2013 10:18 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: Jakeroo]
ASA Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Tue Oct 15 2002
Posts: 4226
Loc: Adelaide
† SA†Australia†††
Originally Posted By: Jakeroo


definition of Passť: All those other sports you tried before fencing



Touche'
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Alan
So much time ...... so little to do

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#1015601 - Sun Oct 13 2013 04:25 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
romeomikegolf Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Wed Apr 07 2004
Posts: 4875
Loc: Rothwell Northants England†UK†
I dress up as a woman every night. It's a real drag.
_________________________
Reality is an illusion brought about by lack of alcohol

Would the last person to leave the planet please turn off the lights.

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#1019835 - Fri Nov 08 2013 01:16 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
zippolover Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2012
Posts: 5717
Loc: Norfolk UK
So how do you think all of us real ladies feel?


Edited by zippolover (Fri Nov 08 2013 01:17 PM)
Edit Reason: need a new spacebar
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I changed my mind again...

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#1025593 - Thu Dec 12 2013 06:42 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
ren33 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11546
Loc: Fanling
† Hong†Kong††††††

With apologies to non Brits under 45


A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his
cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless
like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never
thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the
situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how
would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How
would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying
to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the
cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon
back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?"
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Scroll down
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*Wait for it
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it's worth it....trust me
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"That was Thora Hird."
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Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#1028086 - Mon Dec 30 2013 05:26 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
MadameGuvnor Offline
Participant

Registered: Sun Dec 29 2013
Posts: 18
There were 3 rabbits called Foot, Footfoot and Footfootfoot. They often wished they could go to the other side of the meadow where the grass was sweetest but it involved crossing a dangerous highway.

Anyway, Foot one day managed to talk the others into letting him try. So off he went to sample the delights of the sweet meadow. Unfortunately, Foot was hit by a car and killed.

The remaining rabbits were heartbroken and nothing more was said about crossing the pasture until a year later on the anniversary of Foot's death.

'I'd like to cross over to the other side of the meadow where the grass is sweetest just to see what it is like and to honour our ould friend' said Footfoot.

But Footfootfoot stopped him saying 'I can't let you do this, it's dangerous. We already have one foot in the grave'.
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You need a crazy mind just to stay alive.

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#1042271 - Wed Apr 16 2014 03:53 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
underscored Offline
Explorer

Registered: Sun Jan 08 2012
Posts: 99
Loc: Bendigo Victoria†Australia†††
In the old days there lived a French Count,
an aristocrat who was the father of seven sons.
Now this family had a secret, the secret being
that hidden somewhere in the Counts kingdom,
was a fortune in gold-the secret to the
whereabouts of this gold was known only to
the Count and his sons.
All that the people of France knew was that
this fortune in gold existed, they had no idea
where it was hidden.
So the people grew angry, then desperate as they
wanted this gold - they seized the Count and subjected
him to all manner of questioning, all to no avail. They
killed him and seized the oldest son and repeated their
efforts to find out where this fortune in gold was
hidden. again their efforts were futile, so down the
line they went son after son was killed for not revealing
the hidden treasure - until with the very last son
who knew he might expire after days of questioning - he lent
his head back and opened his mouth to explain where the gold
was hidden-but the executioner zealous in the performance of
his duties - unaware that the young count had submitted bought
down the axe so the gold was then indeed lost.

The moral of this story is " don't hatchet your counts before they chicken,
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I haven't finished yet........

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#1042273 - Wed Apr 16 2014 04:13 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: Jakeroo]
underscored Offline
Explorer

Registered: Sun Jan 08 2012
Posts: 99
Loc: Bendigo Victoria†Australia†††
You are too good Jackaroo laugh
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I haven't finished yet........

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#1058809 - Wed Aug 13 2014 09:27 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
baldhair Offline
Explorer

Registered: Tue Aug 05 2014
Posts: 81
Loc: Gloucestershire UK
A man and his wife were walking through the shopping area of a small town one day
when they came to a pet shop. In the window was a really striking-looking cat, asleep
in a basket. A notice announced that it was an Amsterdam cat. And it really was a
beauty. The couple spent some time admiring the animal, and though they were both
cat-lovers, neither had heard of an Amsterdam cat. So they went into the shop and asked the proprietor:
"How Dutch is that moggie in the window?"
----------------------------------------------
In our village the cemetery is at the top of a steep hill. The funeral cortege wound its way up, and just as it was approaching the top, the back door of the hearse flew open and the coffin slid out, careened down the hill, rolling end over end and into the High Street, where it crashed through the door of the chemist's shop. As it slammed to a halt, the lid flew up and the corpse sat upright.
"Have you got something to stop this coffin?" it said.

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#1058856 - Wed Aug 13 2014 03:46 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
MikeMaster99 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Sun Oct 23 2011
Posts: 489
Loc: Melbourne VIC†Australia††††††
Very large groan, baldhair.... which of course equates to 'excellent'!!!

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#1058868 - Wed Aug 13 2014 05:12 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
Prolific

Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1960
Loc: Alberta Canada
hah!. Liked the cat one.. and speaking of which..

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
_________________________
Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense
- Gertrude Stein


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#1073297 - Wed Nov 12 2014 11:53 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 294
Loc: Nottinghamshire England†UK††††
The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#1076330 - Fri Dec 05 2014 08:38 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
Prolific

Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1960
Loc: Alberta Canada
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
_________________________
Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense
- Gertrude Stein


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#1076448 - Sat Dec 06 2014 08:48 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
dippo Offline
Mainstay

Registered: Sat Jun 14 2008
Posts: 609
Loc: London
England†UK†††††††††
Two angels are hanging around heaven, bored, looking for something to do. Then one says, "Hey, I've got an idea! Let's go down to Earth! I know a great disco we can check out!"

Angel Two says, "Well, I don't know, we're not supposed to leave heaven without permission. And what would we do with our harps? You know we're supposed to have them with us at all times! And what if we're late for roll call? We'll be in trouble!"

"Oh, stop your babbling," said Angel One. "We'll take our harps with us, the mortals can't see them, or even recognise us, if we don't want them to. Roll call's not for another 6 hours. We'll have plenty of time to fly on down there, party a bit, and get back. Come on! I know the perfect place to go. The owner's a friend of mine."

So, the two angels head on down to Earth, and arrive at the disco. They walk up to the door man, who recognises the first angel and waves them on in. He tells his friend, "Come on, I'll introduce you to Sam, the guy who owns this place." They go over to a short, stocky guy and the first angel says, "Sam, this is my friend Harold. Harold, this is Sam."

Sam smiles slightly and nods, then beckons the two angels toward the bar. As they walk away, the first angel explains, "Sam doesn't talk much, everybody calls him Sam Clam."

The two angels drink and party and dance, and generally have a good old time. The time slips by unnoticed. Suddenly, Harold looks at the clock and gasps. "Hey man! We've gotta fly! We've only got 20 minutes until roll call!"

The other angel says, "Relax! We've got plenty of time. But you're right, we'd better get going." He starts going around, saying good-bye to everybody, with Harold trying desperately to hurry him up. "Come on! Come on! We'll be late!"

Finally he's ready to go, and they take off for heaven. "See?" he says, I told you, plenty of time."

Just as they arrive at the Pearly Gates, Harold suddenly stops short, a panicked look on his face. "Oh no!" he gasps. "We're gonna get caught! Oh man, we're busted! We're in trouble!" "Why? Why?" asks the first angel. "We're almost there! We can make it!"

"No, it's not that," cries Harold. "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"

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#1076626 - Sun Dec 07 2014 08:49 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: dippo]
ASA Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Tue Oct 15 2002
Posts: 4226
Loc: Adelaide
† SA†Australia†††
Originally Posted By: dippo

"No, it's not that," cries Harold. "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"


Reminds me of the time I had been fishing in Hong Kong and I left my Carp at San Pan Disco.

Also on that trip I bought a thousand postcards of that disco, but anyone I sent it to just though it was junk mail.
_________________________
Alan
So much time ...... so little to do

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#1077803 - Wed Dec 17 2014 08:35 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
ren33 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11546
Loc: Fanling
† Hong†Kong††††††
Chess at the Hotel

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
_________________________
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#1078115 - Sat Dec 20 2014 09:59 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
Prolific

Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1960
Loc: Alberta Canada
ASA: Are you sure you weren't at a Fishcotheque?
: )


If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys


Edited by Jakeroo (Sat Dec 20 2014 10:09 PM)
_________________________
Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense
- Gertrude Stein


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#1078157 - Sun Dec 21 2014 09:05 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 294
Loc: Nottinghamshire England†UK††††
I was walking along the other day carrying a German sausage. I met a bloke carrying a seabird. He said "Wanna swap?"

I took a tern for the wurst.
_________________________
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#1081181 - Sat Jan 17 2015 01:00 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
Prolific

Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1960
Loc: Alberta Canada
In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
_________________________
Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense
- Gertrude Stein


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#1081238 - Sat Jan 17 2015 07:19 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
ASA Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Tue Oct 15 2002
Posts: 4226
Loc: Adelaide
† SA†Australia†††

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.
_________________________
Alan
So much time ...... so little to do

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#1081245 - Sun Jan 18 2015 04:52 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Jakeroo Offline
Prolific

Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1960
Loc: Alberta Canada
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
_________________________
Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense
- Gertrude Stein


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#1081306 - Sun Jan 18 2015 04:39 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
ASA Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Tue Oct 15 2002
Posts: 4226
Loc: Adelaide
† SA†Australia†††
I was too early for the funeral I thought it was at leaven o'clock, I also heard that his bakery burned down later and now his business is toast.
_________________________
Alan
So much time ...... so little to do

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