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#819779 - Thu Aug 30 2012 04:54 AM Puns for the educated....
ren33 Offline
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Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11224
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1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of
the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are."

---------------------

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

---------------------

3.. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

---------------------

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,
and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

----------------------

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted
on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

----------------------

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove
that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

-----------------------

7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye
and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
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#819792 - Thu Aug 30 2012 05:21 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
ozzz2002 Online   FT-cool
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Love them! smile
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#819797 - Thu Aug 30 2012 05:33 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ozzz2002]
MikeMaster99 Offline
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Registered: Sun Oct 23 2011
Posts: 469
Loc: Melbourne VIC Australia      
More please, Ren! The longer ones remind me of 'My Word'. The more excruciating, the better - I love the Pythagorean one!

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#819803 - Thu Aug 30 2012 06:17 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: MikeMaster99]
WesleyCrusher Offline

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They're "think twice" puns, but that just makes them better. More if you have them!
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#819808 - Thu Aug 30 2012 07:08 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: WesleyCrusher]
rossian Offline
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Posts: 1477
Loc: Merseyside UK 
I can't remember the name of the show (I'm sure someone will come up with it) but they remind me of a radio show with Dennis Norden and Frank Muir. They came up with some convoluted story which ended with a pun on a well known saying or song. I enjoyed those, Ren.
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#819810 - Thu Aug 30 2012 07:20 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: rossian]
ren33 Offline
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Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11224
Loc: Fanling
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Yes Rossian, that was "My Word" (Scroll up 2 to Mike's post!)A Brilliant show. These were sent to me by an Australian friend. If she has any more I will post them!
In the meantime, folks, try and find a copy of:
The Utterly Ultimate My Word by
Denis Norden and Frank Muir.
Lots of Pun stories in there


Edited by ren33 (Thu Aug 30 2012 07:28 AM)
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#820002 - Thu Aug 30 2012 10:44 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
Mariamir Offline
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Registered: Wed Feb 29 2012
Posts: 4258
Loc: Ontario Canada
Awesome! And I actually got them all. :-P

Here's another person asking for more!
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#820061 - Fri Aug 31 2012 06:17 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: Mariamir]
tezza1551 Offline
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Registered: Tue Feb 05 2008
Posts: 439
Loc: Western Australia
More please smile
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#820150 - Fri Aug 31 2012 01:11 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
kaddarsgirl Offline
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Registered: Wed Jun 27 2012
Posts: 1631
Loc: Ohio USA
Originally Posted By: ren33
6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove
that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).


This one cracked me up.
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#820152 - Fri Aug 31 2012 01:53 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: kaddarsgirl]
rossian Offline
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Registered: Sat Jun 10 2006
Posts: 1477
Loc: Merseyside UK 
'My Word' - of course. Sorry for not noticing your post, Mike.

I've found this link:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/myword/

I've copied and pasted the following gem from the website for anyone who can't access it:

'So you want to know where Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious comes from? Why, it's just a shopping list, including a remedy for someone with bad breath: "Soup, a cauli, fridge-elastic, eggs, pea - halitosis!"'
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#820200 - Fri Aug 31 2012 08:08 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: rossian]
tezza1551 Offline
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Registered: Tue Feb 05 2008
Posts: 439
Loc: Western Australia
Damn, I always thought it was to do with Ghandi.
You know, he walked everywhere barefoot;he was somewhat emaciated because of his extreme vegetarian diet; a very spiritual man & he suffered from very bad breath...
which of course made him a super calloused fragile mystic, with extreme halitosis !
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#820204 - Fri Aug 31 2012 08:27 PM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: tezza1551]
ren33 Offline
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Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11224
Loc: Fanling
  Hong Kong      
Lol! Was that yours Tezza?
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#820234 - Sat Sep 01 2012 12:33 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
tezza1551 Offline
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Registered: Tue Feb 05 2008
Posts: 439
Loc: Western Australia
I wish, Ren. Heard it ages ago and rated it right up there with the artichoke pun...which I will spare you from, as it is equally as bad !
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#820244 - Sat Sep 01 2012 01:55 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: tezza1551]
MikeMaster99 Offline
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Registered: Sun Oct 23 2011
Posts: 469
Loc: Melbourne VIC Australia      
You simply can't do that Tezza!! You are now morally obliged to recount the artichoke pun for our collective groans of appreciation :-)
Loved both of the 'super' puns.

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#820271 - Sat Sep 01 2012 03:57 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: MikeMaster99]
tezza1551 Offline
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Registered: Tue Feb 05 2008
Posts: 439
Loc: Western Australia
Well.... there was a small time crook named Artie, who one morning, decided to hold up the local supermarket. Rather than attract the attention of the security officer near the checkout, he found his way to the manager's office. Unfortunately, the manager had just been visited by his wife, and had only a few odd coins in a drawer.. 55 cents in all. Artie grabbed it, but was so annoyed by the paucity of the amount, he strangled the manager. Next, he found his way to the assistant manager, who, having been visited by his teenage daughters, had even less than the manager - 45 cents ! Artie strangled him as well.
Next morning's headline read....





Artie chokes two for a dollar at Woolies !


I'm sorry.. really I am...
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#820274 - Sat Sep 01 2012 04:08 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: tezza1551]
Mariamir Offline
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Registered: Wed Feb 29 2012
Posts: 4258
Loc: Ontario Canada
And now I can't decide if I'm laughing because of this REALLY BAD joke or because I'm listening to the Chipmunks' version of Fun's "We Are Young". :-P laugh laugh laugh *groan*
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#820275 - Sat Sep 01 2012 04:15 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: Mariamir]
MikeMaster99 Offline
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Registered: Sun Oct 23 2011
Posts: 469
Loc: Melbourne VIC Australia      
Well, I'm laughing and groaning at this one, Tezza. Very glad you shared it!

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#820294 - Sat Sep 01 2012 06:16 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: MikeMaster99]
rossian Offline
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Registered: Sat Jun 10 2006
Posts: 1477
Loc: Merseyside UK 
I can also recommend Simon Drew for those who like this kind of joke. He does a lot of visual puns. I treat myself to one of his calendars every year as they brighten up the start of each new month.

Thanks for sharing the artichoke joke, Tezza. Any more anyone?
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#820458 - Sun Sep 02 2012 05:26 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: rossian]
Jakeroo Offline
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Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 1917
Loc: Alberta Canada
As some of you (might) know, I'm a bit of a punaholic - hey, they're cheaper than scotch and certainly less depressing lol - so I've enjoyed all the ones posted so far. Unfortunately, many of my favourite long puns are not fit for family consumption, but here's one that's fairly "pc":

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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#820473 - Sun Sep 02 2012 07:45 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: Jakeroo]
tezza1551 Offline
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Registered: Tue Feb 05 2008
Posts: 439
Loc: Western Australia
Then of course there was the man who entered the bar.. and after he got his drink, he heard a small voice say "nice tie".. Another small voice chimed in "yes, and that haircut really suits you".
He looked to see where the voices were coming from, and noticed they seemed to originate from a bowl of cashews near his glass.
He called the barman and explained what had been said.
"Oh" said the barman "that's easy to explain..

the nuts are complimentary"....
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#822010 - Mon Sep 10 2012 02:44 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: tezza1551]
SOTHC Offline


Registered: Tue Jun 10 2003
Posts: 16530
Loc: Aylesford Kent England UK    
Our local undertakers were selling off one of their old vehicles, so I bought it as a present for my wife as she needed a roomy vehicle to take all her luggage when she went to stay with her sister in Sidmouth in Devon. She had to park it in the street so she found a suitable place, got out and locked it and went to meet her sister. She got back to find it had been towed away as she hadn't realised that there was a local bylaw that said "You cannot lock a gift hearse in Sidmouth"
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#822017 - Mon Sep 10 2012 06:32 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: SOTHC]
ren33 Offline
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Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 11224
Loc: Fanling
  Hong Kong      
argh!!
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#822018 - Mon Sep 10 2012 06:47 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ren33]
ozzz2002 Online   FT-cool
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Registered: Mon Dec 03 2001
Posts: 16979
Loc: Sydney NSW Australia        
The worse they get, the better I like them, and the latest bunch are awful!


Keep up the bad work, everyone.
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#822019 - Mon Sep 10 2012 07:12 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: ozzz2002]
Mariamir Offline
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Registered: Wed Feb 29 2012
Posts: 4258
Loc: Ontario Canada
Okay, here are some.

Sir Lancelot went to the hall where the Round Table was. He saw a very fat knight sitting there. "Who's he? How did he get to be that size? He is a disgrace to our order!" Lancelot muttered to King Arthur. Arthur replied, "That's Sir Cumference. Rumor has it he's been eating too much pie."

Two politicians are running for presidency. When one won, the other said, "I've lost my election."
"You sure?"
"I'm positive."

Two missionaries went to an island inhabited by cannibals, and were caught. After eating one, the cannibals felt ill, and released the other. One taste of religion was enough.

Two Eskimos were out in their kayak when they began to feel very cold. To keep from freezing, they lit a fire. As a result, the kayak sank. Of course, you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Finally, in my attempt at puns, I sent ten puns to my friends to see if they made them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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#822020 - Mon Sep 10 2012 07:18 AM Re: Puns for the educated.... [Re: Mariamir]
ozzz2002 Online   FT-cool
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Registered: Mon Dec 03 2001
Posts: 16979
Loc: Sydney NSW Australia        
Originally Posted By: Mariamir


Finally, in my attempt at puns, I sent ten puns to my friends to see if they made them laugh. No pun in ten did.


Awesome! smile
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