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#968007 - Mon Feb 18 2013 12:15 PM Playing With Words
vendome Offline
Prolific

Registered: Sun May 21 2000
Posts: 1778
Loc: Body: PA USA Heart: Paris   
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
_________________________
I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
Yogi Berra

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#968216 - Tue Feb 19 2013 09:57 PM Re: Playing With Words [Re: vendome]
Mariamir Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Wed Feb 29 2012
Posts: 4258
Loc: Ontario Canada
LOL! *groan*
_________________________
Secret, shall I tell you? Quiz author at FunTrivia am I. Won this job in a raffle I did, think you?

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#968958 - Sun Feb 24 2013 03:56 PM Re: Playing With Words [Re: vendome]
MadMartha Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Fri Apr 25 2008
Posts: 13908
Loc: Georgia USA
Love it vendome! You've made my day even if it is a little late! smile
_________________________
Thought for life: Be nice to all you meet on your way up, for you might meet them again on your way down!

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#973043 - Tue Mar 19 2013 07:27 AM Re: Playing With Words [Re: MadMartha]
tjoebigham Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sat Dec 25 1999
Posts: 2824
Loc: Fairhaven Massachusetts USA   
My favorite pun appears in Richard Hughes' "In Hazard" where a sailor tells of a cat who eats cheese and breathes in mouseholes so he can lure mice out with baited breath.

tjoeb};>

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#1060866 - Sat Aug 23 2014 02:01 AM Re: Playing With Words [Re: vendome]
baldhair Offline
Explorer

Registered: Tue Aug 05 2014
Posts: 81
Loc: Gloucestershire UK
For Lexophiles

*A bicycle can't stand alone. It's too tired.
*Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
*A will is a dead give-away.
*In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
*A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
*With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
*When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
*You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
*A calendar's days are numbered.
*A lot of money is tainted. 'tain't yours; 'tain't mine.
*He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
*A platform is a high form of flattery.
*Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
*When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
*If you jump off a Paris bridge, you're in Seine.
*When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
*Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
*****from CSPA magazine.

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#1062604 - Mon Sep 01 2014 03:52 PM Re: Playing With Words [Re: baldhair]
tjoebigham Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sat Dec 25 1999
Posts: 2824
Loc: Fairhaven Massachusetts USA   
The "Tain't yours, tain't mine" line came from Mark Twain. A moralistic woman was taking him to task over his friendship with robber baron Henry Huttleston Rogers*. She remonstrated the humorist, saying Rogers' money was tainted. "That's right , ma'am" Twain drawled back, "Tain't yours and tain't mine!"

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. Mark Twain

tjoeb};>

(*Rogers was born and raised in Fairhaven, MA., where I live.)


Edited by tjoebigham (Mon Sep 01 2014 03:53 PM)

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#1087173 - Fri Mar 13 2015 11:56 PM Re: Playing With Words [Re: vendome]
rockinsteve Offline
Participant

Registered: Wed Mar 11 2015
Posts: 8
Loc: Indiana USA
OK, here's a silly, but fun query - "Why is it difficult to teach an old cow new tricks?" Answer - "Because everything goes in one ear and out the UDDER!"

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#1088090 - Sun Mar 22 2015 10:16 AM Re: Playing With Words [Re: rockinsteve]
tjoebigham Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sat Dec 25 1999
Posts: 2824
Loc: Fairhaven Massachusetts USA   
I came across this pun from magician Scotty Phillips in ThePulp.net website, about the most famous pulp hero of all:

"Whose nose looks evil to most men? THE SHADOW'S NOSE!"

tjoeb};>


Edited by tjoebigham (Sun Mar 22 2015 10:16 AM)

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#1092150 - Sat Apr 18 2015 09:55 AM Re: Playing With Words [Re: vendome]
HairyBear Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Fri Sep 01 2006
Posts: 393
Loc: Florida USA
I can't find any proof one way or the other, but I believe the shopping center line was first written by Bob Thaves in his Frank & Ernest comic strip. The earliest reference I can find to the line circulating on the net is 2011 and I believe the strip predated that. His version (quoting from memory): Frank: Do you want to go to the new shopping center? Ernest: No, thanks, once you've seen one collection of stores under one roof, you've seen the mall.

Ha! Found it, from 2007: http://www.cartoonistgroup.com/properties/fande/art_images/fe1070311sc.jpg


Edited by HairyBear (Sat Apr 18 2015 10:06 AM)
Edit Reason: Found the proof

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#1093319 - Tue Apr 28 2015 07:53 AM Re: Playing With Words [Re: vendome]
lonely-lady Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Thu Jun 19 2014
Posts: 4458
Loc: England UK
“I’ve got very sensitive teeth. They’ll probably be upset I’ve told you.” (Gordon Southern joke)
_________________________
I dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange fizzy drink. It was a Fantasea

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#1093320 - Tue Apr 28 2015 08:09 AM Re: Playing With Words [Re: vendome]
lonely-lady Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Thu Jun 19 2014
Posts: 4458
Loc: England UK
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: "I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is." He said: "You have to love Easter, baby!" (Tim Vine joke)
_________________________
I dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange fizzy drink. It was a Fantasea

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#1094049 - Sun May 03 2015 05:46 AM Re: Playing With Words [Re: vendome]
JanIQ Offline
Mainstay

Registered: Thu Jul 09 2009
Posts: 630
Loc: Antwerp
Belgium

WARNING: don't read this if you're eating or drinking near your computer, I won't pay for a new keyboard.









Florence goes to a very chic coffee bar. The menu is so long she can't make her pick right away.

The waiter approaches her and suggests "If you have not made up your mind yet, I can recommend our finest Arabian coffee called the Camel".

To which Florence replies: "Well, that sounds interesting. Could you bring me some sugar, too?"

The waiter then summarizes:

"One Camel coming up, with some sugar. Do you prefer one or two humps?"
_________________________
I dreamt of spending a day riding a stallion. It was a nightmare.

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