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#973703 - Fri Mar 22 2013 08:22 PM What are your personal limits?
satguru Offline
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Registered: Thu Feb 17 2000
Posts: 7195
Loc: Kingsbury London UK           
I've been more and more sensitive to places and events as I've got older, and from wimping out on a party when I must have been 4 as I didn't really like the girl who invited me, after trying to please people for some time onwards and suffering more and more myself being crammed into classical concerts where you'd get told to shut up if you breathed too loudly, or crowded restaurants where you'd wait an hour to be served, my body rebelled and caused me to have panic attacks to remove me from such situations.

Phobias ran in my family, and without the influence of tablets became less and less able to attend various events, a boundary which changes from week to week depending on how I feel, but way lower than 90% of other people's.

So my question is, what events would force you to refuse, not because you didn't feel like going out of a personal preference, but it would scare the heck out of you to even imagine attending? I have recently turned down a lunch in a crowded venue the wrong side of London and a dinner in another crowded venue (although I may have turned up for the drinks after had I been free and felt like it) in the centre of London. I was invited to a wedding in what was my old youth club a few miles away earlier in the year in contrast, and the points didn't add up to a fail (it's like golf where the more points will cause a fail, not like a test) so although a bit concerned about the service and spending time in the hall went ahead. But I think for most people maybe a bungee or parachute jump would make the majority decline, or maybe a tooth drilling and extraction party, should such an event exist.

Funnily enough I now remember writing a similar thread already, but a new set of readers will be here now so will see what else can be added from before.
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#973763 - Sat Mar 23 2013 06:01 AM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
sue943 Offline
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Registered: Sun Dec 19 1999
Posts: 36778
Loc: Jersey
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I certainly wouldn't do a parachute jump or bungee jump although I probably would have done them some years ago. My sister took up parachute jumping and used to go with the husband of a couple who were good friends. They were learning and my sister reached the stage of going freefall, she was slightly more advanced than him. The following week he said that he wanted to freefall but messed up, she jumped first, he landed first leaving a young widow and a five year old daughter. After that I would not even sponsor anyone doing a jump for charity.

I do get panic attacks now, not nice. Now I would find something like public speaking to be virtually impossible whereas I could do it in the past.
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#973802 - Sat Mar 23 2013 09:14 AM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
satguru Offline
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Registered: Thu Feb 17 2000
Posts: 7195
Loc: Kingsbury London UK           
It certainly reduces what's possible over time with me and probably everyone, as what seems innocent all becomes potentially dangerous when it goes wrong and you then get put off for the future. I suppose really we all have a level of self-protection which is subconscious, and in someone like me it's so strong it overworks and creates a reaction thousands of times greater than required, which is way worse than any of the problem's it's designed to avoid.

As far as I'm concerned as long as other people understand it's not either a personal weakness (no, I can't force myself whatever people tell me) or anything against them when I turn down an invitation then it's not a problem. I'm perfectly happy whatever I am doing instead, and as I have done all the things first before I gradually got put off them one by one I certainly haven't missed anything. I know it makes things inconvenient for other people when they have what they consider a major event and I won't go, but unless you're saving a life everyone's expendable otherwise.
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#973806 - Sat Mar 23 2013 09:35 AM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
sue943 Offline
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Registered: Sun Dec 19 1999
Posts: 36778
Loc: Jersey
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You mention people being scared of dental treatment, now that is something that I don't really understand, likewise I don't understand people being scared of medical treatment including very major surgery. I have had open heart surgery and that is pretty major.

Some years ago I employed a lovely lady to do domestic work (prior to my marriage failing) and she had to leave me due to them discovering that she had problems with her heart. They wanted to operate, not a major operation per se, but she didn't want it in case she didn't wake up again. To me that was just crazy as she wouldn't know about it and her condition would only worsen without surgery, which it did, she was dead by the time that she was 46.

When it comes to dental care, surely it is better to have regular checks and minor work done rather than leave it until there is major work to be done? I had a molar start to disintegrate under a gold cap, I went to the dentist on Thursday and he decided to remove it, yes I have some residual discomfort but the tooth had really put up a struggle. The actual removal didn't hurt at all, it is just the damaged tissues needing to heal. Far better that than suffering toothache or even getting an abscess.


Edited by sue943 (Sat Mar 23 2013 09:37 AM)
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#973810 - Sat Mar 23 2013 10:47 AM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
satguru Offline
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Registered: Thu Feb 17 2000
Posts: 7195
Loc: Kingsbury London UK           
That made another point for me, we each have areas we find really easy and hard, and rarely do many coincide with others, except something like the dentist, and you, my late grandma and others don't mind it so few are universal. My grandma couldn't understand why I found weddings an ordeal (ours last longer than a working day, the service is usually around lunchtime, then everyone goes to the reception which can often be 10-20 miles away and goes on till around midnight), and then in her synagogue magazine someone had just written an article saying exactly the same thing I had.

We all have a different set of tolerances, and the major thing is we must accept what we can manage easily (much like some people can sail through equations and others like me see them as Chinese characters) others find difficult or impossible and vice versa. It always amazes me how people I know in business hate filling in simple forms, and would rather pay me to do it than do it themselves, even though they are designed for anyone to use. But their loss is my gain, and I have to pay other people to do work in my house I've tried and failed to come up to standard. In the end it's the old saying if we were all good at everything we'd never need other people, and the message is whatever people's abilities and tolerances are we should accept them and not either make them feel bad about it or expect them to change, as even if we do it's an organic process and not something people can do much about by choice. I've had a long time to test out every method known to science and besides my tablets it just seems to happen on its own whatever I do to plan increasing my boundaries. If anything may work it's a approach where you do a little more each time so you don't really notice you are, until the fourth time or so you've actually managed far more than you thought was possible at the first. But the sudden jump is a kill or cure method which nearly always kills and puts you off even more as well.
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#973870 - Sat Mar 23 2013 05:27 PM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
ren33 Offline
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Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 12118
Loc: Fanling
  Hong Kong      
Yes, like the majority, I would never, and never would have, all my life, parachuted or bungee jumped or high dived. That's all , I think. If I won't go to functions nowadays it is out of pure laziness, never fear.
However, there are some food items that I cannot even LOOK at, and have a terrible fear of touching or getting on me.How weird is that?
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#973882 - Sat Mar 23 2013 07:42 PM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
satguru Offline
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Registered: Thu Feb 17 2000
Posts: 7195
Loc: Kingsbury London UK           
Not weird at all, especially if you have distant memories of any problems with them. We are given violent reactions to all sorts of things, which do vary constantly over time but if you've got the tendency it seems to come out one way or another. And I don't think it's too easy to fix as once you remember the associations it's very hard to do something again when you remember what's happened there before. I think some people are just created way too sensitive and for me it's now more about how other people deal with it as I've accepted my limitations and if they don't that's the only way it causes me problems nowadays.
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#973884 - Sat Mar 23 2013 08:03 PM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
agony Offline

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Posts: 13314
Loc: Western Canada
I have some physical limitations now so there are things I won't do that I used to like dancing, or even going places where there are major stairs to climb - bad knees. Balance problems due to ear trouble so can no longer go on a carnival ride or even a playground swing. For the same reason not too wonderful with heights - I may or may not get vertigo, and don't like to take the chance unless there is no reasonable option.

Besides physical limitations, though, and fears that anyone would consider reasonable - driving 130 MPH, walking alone through bad neighbourhoods with $20 bills hanging out of my pockets, that kind of thing - I don't like being bounded by my fears so make myself go through things that I'm uncomfortable about. For instance I got fed up with being afraid to put my head under the water so am just finishing some swimming lessons. On the whole my life experience has shown me that facing my fears and pushing just a little past my comfort zone is good for me, even if I start off very unhappy about it.

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#973897 - Sat Mar 23 2013 09:28 PM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
agony Offline

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Thinking more about it, I think for me it is often impatience or annoyance with myself that gives me the push I need. A good example is from a few weeks ago at swimming lessons - we were all down at the deep end of the pool, and were practicing jumping in. I'd already become much more comfortable with my head under, but was finding this very hard - sitting on the edge, taking a deep breath and getting ready to jump and then backing off again. Everybody else had done it a couple of times, and the instructor was starting to be very gentle, suggesting I could try again next week, and I just got such a wave of annoyance with myself, thought "Oh, to h*** with it" and jumped. And that is very very typical of me - it's like I use my annoyance as energy to get me there.

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#973913 - Sun Mar 24 2013 02:22 AM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
Santana2002 Offline
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Registered: Mon Apr 14 2003
Posts: 8592
Loc: France
Fearing not waking up after the anaesthetic enough to avoid necessary surgery is incomprehensible to me. Your former housekeeper's story is very sad, Sue.

As for fearing the dentist, I cannot say that I fear going, and I keep my regular check ups. However I am always very apprehensive and find the experience extremely unpleasant as my teeth/nerves do not react properly to the anaesthetic and I always feel some pain, often pretty horrendous. To the extent that I have lost a tooth through the dentist being unable to perform root canal treatment as it was just too painful. I was sent to hospital for a general anaesthetic, and the tooth was removed.

Not to dramatise, but I also had a similar reaction under epidural anaesthetic during a C-section. In that case I couldn't say I was feeling outright pain, but certainly for an operation where normally you are not supposed to feel anything at all, I felt an awful lot of what was going on (enough to bring tears to my eyes)... I guess it's just the way my body reacts.

Other than that, I do try to make myself face up to situations that I am not comfortable with, and get the most out of life. Like many of you, I would in my younger days have been quite OK with doing a parachute jump, but since having children I wouldn't even dream of taking the risk. As for a bungee jump, no way, never, not on your life!!! (though my 15 year old son did one last year ...)

I am careful, and try not to put myself at risk in public places (keep valuables to a minimum and well tucked away etc etc), but I do regularly hike 5 miles on my own through lonely, deserted fields and woods, which is probably not a good idea.


Edited by Santana2002 (Sun Mar 24 2013 09:48 AM)
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#974049 - Sun Mar 24 2013 05:46 PM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
Christinap Offline
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Registered: Sun Jul 27 2008
Posts: 1700
Loc: Essex UK
I avoid places where I am likely to be hemmed and shoved around by crowds of people. I'm not claustrophobic as such, I can be in small spaces on my own. I'm not however very tall and I fear being just overlooked and trampled on in a crowd.

Like Agony I have a fear of water, and did push myself into swimming lessons a few years ago. I still don't like having my head under water, but I can now tolerate it. I would never however go out in a small rowing boat on a deep lake or something like that

Bungee jump - never, not even at gun point, you can shoot me first.

I do keep up with regular checks etc. at my very kind and understanding dentist, even though I am usually a quivering bag of nerves in the waiting room. It never turns out as bad as my fears.

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#974062 - Sun Mar 24 2013 08:24 PM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
AlexxSchneider Offline
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Registered: Fri Jun 26 2009
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Loc: Perth Scotland UK             
Santana, my mother experienced a lot of pain during her C-section; it was as if the anesthetic hadn't worked at all. My father let them know in no uncertain terms what had happened, but they sliced her again "just to be sure". D:

It's too late in the day for me to contribute much to this thread, but I do panic when taking off hoodies with a tighter neck/hood area. I have to force myself to calm down instead of flailing around with the thing stuck over my head!
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#974470 - Wed Mar 27 2013 12:39 AM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
Bruyere Offline
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Registered: Sat Feb 10 2001
Posts: 18674
Loc: California USA
Ouch, been cringing while reading this. I was more daring than I am now as a kid as I climbed rocks with ropes and the whole nine yards as one side of our family is mountaineering. It's like playing chess really as you calculate the moves. I would not have let go though. I'd probably feel afraid to hang over a cliff. Sky diving, limited. I wouldn't mind going up in a hot air balloon though. I think I'd be able to do that.

I never thought I'd be calm and collected enough to save a life, but, when my child was choking on a leaf I calmly pounded her on the back and she coughed it up. The other day the school I was in had a lock-down and, I followed procedure, then, took the two kids who'd been shoved into the classroom to the desk area, and told them, 'if anyone charges in, dive under there and I'll block you.' and we waited till an all clear. I had no problem reasoning out that a younger person deserved my protection. If I'd had more kids there with me, I'm not sure what I'd have done.

I used to think that I could never handle a reptile yet I know I can pick up our bearded dragon if I have to. He was once sunning by the window and I'd put a towel over him without knowing and my son called up to tell me to watch out as he'd forgotten him. When I picked up the towel, I screamed, but, just picked the lizard up and put him back in his cage. Thank God I had had a warning! I don't know if I could have handled a snake.

I don't think I could bear a spider. Nope, that's evoking a pretty strong fear reaction. If I had to protect a child, I probably could overcome my reticence though.

We had a pool for two years as a family about seven years ago, and I'm a really poor swimmer. I'm not at all confident, and I lived in fear that someone would require my help. Knowing my kids, it would be because they'd bonked their heads doing flips and acrobatics, not just swimming. Or a neighbor's child...now that scared me. I was relieved when we sold that house. I taught myself to jump in when I was younger but lost that ability by the time I got a pool. Childhood dream turned into a fear.
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#978050 - Sat Apr 13 2013 02:02 PM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
Jakeroo Offline
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Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 2064
Loc: Alberta Canada
I'm okay with speaking in front of folks I know, but not "larger" groups. I took a Toastmaster's class. Not sure it helped, but at least I made an effort lol. Not "afraid" of anything in particular. Used to be better with heights (mountain-climbed for two decades) until my eyesight changed (depth perception) and now I need help to get up and down off the roof of my house and need someone to hang onto my jean beltloops if I attempt to take a picture "over a cliff". Sigh. The joys of getting old lol. Have bunjee-jumped/parachuted/parasailed/flown planes blahblah in my younger days. Been there done that. Was fun, but I don't necessarily want to do them again.

Actual PERSONAL limits are that I would never commit a crime (not even talking on a cellphone in a vehicle unless I've pulled over - we have driving distraction laws here now) and would never kill anyone except possibly in self/family/friend's defense. I would never cheat on my husband (not that anyone would want me now in any case LOL) and would never ever ever throw any of my friends or colleagues (even the ones I don't like) "under a bus".
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#978181 - Sun Apr 14 2013 09:09 AM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
satguru Offline
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Registered: Thu Feb 17 2000
Posts: 7195
Loc: Kingsbury London UK           
I hadn't thought of it in those terms Jakeroo, I was more relating it to fear limits. As far as crime goes I suspect the great majority of people don't commit most crimes as they're wrong, and wouldn't do the worse ones even if they weren't illegal, while the professionals aren't put off by the laws at all. There would be a section who don't commit some crimes as they are scared of the law, but hope most people wouldn't try the major ones regardless of any consequences.
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#982142 - Thu May 02 2013 11:20 PM Re: What are your personal limits? [Re: satguru]
Lones78 Offline
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Registered: Mon Apr 27 2009
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Loc: Forrestfield Western Australia
I am terrified of heights. We did the treetop walk in Walpole (a few hours south of where I live in Perth) and it was horrible. I've done it before but got talked into doing it again. There were a LOT of people stuck behind me as I inched my way along the walk - it's a bridge-type thing about 40m up in the air, and it swings and bounces with the wind and people walking on it, etc.

Having said that though, I have bungee jumped and want to sky-dive eventually. It seems I have no problem if whatver I am standing on isn't attached to the ground!
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