With my wife I dont get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to the best woman a man ever had. The waiter joined me.
Im not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
I tell you, Im not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or youll see your kid again.
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek she bent over!
I tell you, with my doctor, I dont get no respect. I told him, Ive swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, Doc, I keep thinking Im a dog. He told me to get off his couch.
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big Id get.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Ill tell ya, my wife and I, we dont think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. Ill play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, Im very sorry. We did everything we couldbut he pulled through.
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
My mother had morning sickness. After I was born.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father had his own way of showing love. He always carried around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My uncles dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, Do you think well ever find them? He said, I dont know kid. There are so many places they can hide.
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, On your mark
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she wont drink from my glass!
My wife isnt very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, Did you see the guy that did it? She said, No, but I got the license plate.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
_________________________
I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
Yogi Berra