Bad Jokes? Post Here!

Posted by: IbizaChick1

Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Dec 10 2006 09:34 AM

OK.. i'll goo first.. my joke is terrible..

Q: How do computers make jumpers?


A: On the inter - KNIT


Whats your bad joke? =)
Posted by: maggotbrain

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Dec 14 2006 09:57 AM

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: Because they aaaare.

Q: Why are pirates fit?
A: Gym lad!
Posted by: tim10001

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Dec 16 2006 07:44 PM

Why do cannibals not eat clowns?


Because they taste funny!
Posted by: prof_electro

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Dec 16 2006 08:51 PM

Why did the moron bring a ladder to the party? Because the drinks were on the house.

What happend to the fast worker when he got old? He became half fast.

What would you get if Lassie married a cantaloupe? A melancholy baby.
Posted by: Bruyere

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Dec 17 2006 01:09 AM

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the jungle?
Posted by: pu2-ke-qi-ri

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Dec 17 2006 06:42 PM

Q: An engineer walks into a bar. What does he order?
A: A statistical study of the height of people living in that area and the cost of adjusting the bar so that the bar can be raised according to the best cost/benefit analysis.
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Dec 17 2006 08:19 PM

Q- What do you call eleven lawyers buried up their necks in your lawn?

A- Soccer practice...
Posted by: Bruyere

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Dec 20 2006 11:15 AM

What do termites eat for breakfast?
Oakmeal.


What do bees do if they don't want to drive?
Wait at the buzz stop.


Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."

(Bruyere is a sucker for parrot humor).

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.



What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
Posted by: prof_electro

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Dec 20 2006 01:24 PM

One flea said to the other: "Do you want to walk or shall we take a dog?"
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Dec 20 2006 04:08 PM

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
Posted by: Eraserhead

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jan 06 2007 05:17 PM

Q. What do you call a deer without eyes?

A. No idea.

Q. What do you call a deer without eyes or legs?

A. Still no idea.

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?

A. Anything, but it still won't come to you.
Posted by: fenian8

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jan 06 2007 11:01 PM

Keep them clean please.
Posted by: fenian8

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jan 06 2007 11:04 PM

What`s green and wears oven gloves?


A cooking apple!

Posted by: Copago

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jan 07 2007 12:06 AM

Or a deer with no eyes, no legs and has been shot? Still no bloody idea.
Posted by: Eraserhead

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Jan 08 2007 02:02 AM

Touche, Fenian and Copago.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under a pile of leaves?

A. Russell
Posted by: skunkee

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Jan 08 2007 07:33 AM

Q. What do you call a man with no arms in a pool?

A. Bob
Posted by: angel_us

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Jan 08 2007 08:07 AM

How did the intruder get into the house?

Intruder window.
Posted by: Eraserhead

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 09 2007 02:39 AM

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in a hole?

A. Phil
Posted by: Copago

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 09 2007 05:52 AM

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs with a rabbit up his behind?

Warren
Posted by: LeoDaVinci

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 09 2007 07:12 AM

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of your door?

A. Matt
Posted by: angel_us

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 09 2007 09:57 AM

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen.
Posted by: lady1

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 09 2007 09:57 AM

Q. What do you call a man with a slice of ham on his head?

A. Ham-head

Q. What do you call a man with 2 slices of ham on his head?

A. Mo-ham-head
Posted by: skunkee

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 09 2007 11:17 AM

Q. What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?

A, One is grey and the other is purple.


Q. What did Jane say when she say the elephants coming over the hill?

A. Here come the elephants.


Q. What did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill?

A. Here come the grapes; he was colour blind.
Posted by: Bruyere

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 09 2007 11:37 AM

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? -- a poul-tree

What did the tree say to the mountain? -- stop peaking at me

What do sneezes wear on their feet? -- ahh-shoes

Why did the banana leave the cinema-the film didn't appeal to him

Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? -- because his mother was a wafer so longWhat do you do when you have no rubber bands? -- find a plastic orchestra

how does a man on the moon get his hair cut? -- eclipse it
Posted by: Eraserhead

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 10 2007 03:31 AM

Q. What do you call aman with no arms and no legs, nailed to your wall?

A. Art


Q. What do you call his arms and legs, nailed to the other wall?

A. Pieces of Art
Posted by: lady1

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 10 2007 11:23 AM

What do you get if you cross James Dean and George W. Bush?


A rebel without a clue
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 10 2007 03:41 PM

What is it that you can sleep on, sit on and brush your teeth with?

A bed, a chair and a toothbrush...
Posted by: Eraserhead

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jan 11 2007 02:07 AM

Q. What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

A. Doug
Posted by: gtho4

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jan 11 2007 06:24 AM

Did you hear about the little old lady who walked into the real estate office, with a 50 dollar note in her left ear, and a 100 dollar note in her right ear?

Her rent was in arrears.
[ her rent was in her ears ]
Posted by: sue943

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jan 11 2007 07:08 AM

Aaagh!
Posted by: angel_us

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jan 11 2007 10:14 AM

Did you hear about the man with custard in one ear and cake in the other?
He was a trifle deaf.
Posted by: ClaraSue

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jan 11 2007 11:56 AM

I had a dream one night that I was both a wigwam and a teepee. My therapist said I was too tense.

(two tents)
Posted by: Eraserhead

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Jan 12 2007 03:10 AM

Q. What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

A. Douglas.

Q. Did you hear about the man on a bus who had a pie in his ear?

A. He was on a Pioneer tour.
Posted by: prof_electro

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Jan 12 2007 08:38 PM

How did Tarzan die?

He tried to swing on a crack in his spectacles.
Posted by: Annie0725

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jan 13 2007 01:14 PM

Two muffins baking in an oven.
First muffin: Holy crap it's hot in here!
Second muffin: HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!
Posted by: ClaraSue

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jan 13 2007 02:36 PM

Man, I had a good laugh at THAT one, Annie.
Posted by: IndieQueen

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jan 13 2007 05:15 PM

Ok, here are some of the worst jokes I know. Please reserve all rotten fruit and vegetables until I have time to duck.

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work

What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

A middle name

What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?

Lost.

I've now taken cover, commence with the throwing of the fruit.
Posted by: Copago

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jan 13 2007 05:54 PM

*Takes aim with the most rotten tomato I can find*
Posted by: nic1990

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Jan 15 2007 05:54 AM

This is shocking..

How do you make a Venetian blind?

Stick your finger in his eye
Posted by: Copago

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Jan 15 2007 10:34 PM

What happened to the frog's car when his parking metre expired?

It got toad!

Boom boom!
Posted by: Eraserhead

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 16 2007 02:32 AM

A travelling salesman was driving along a country road and ran over a rabbit. Being an animal lover, he stopped to check on the rabbit and was completely distraught when he found he had killed the rabbit. A farmer came by on his tractor and told the salesman he could bring the rabbit back to life for the meagre sum of $1,000.

The salesman said OK and the farmer took out an aerosol can and sprayed the rabbit. A minute later the rabbit jumped up and hopped down the road. Every 10 seconds it would turn back and wave at the farmer and salesman.

The salesman happily paid the farmer, voicing his amazement at the rabbit's recovery "But", he asked "what's with it turning back and waving every 10 seconds?"

The farmer replied "I used hair restorer with permanent wave."
Posted by: gtho4

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 17 2007 03:52 PM

Confucius says:

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Posted by: sue943

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 17 2007 04:02 PM

Love 'em George
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 17 2007 05:25 PM

Where did General Patton keep his armies?

Up his sleevies...
Posted by: Copago

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 17 2007 06:54 PM

You should be shot for that one, Greg.

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there" .. coming to an RTA ad soon!
Posted by: Bruyere

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 17 2007 11:14 PM

A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my carma ran over your dogma."
Posted by: gtho4

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 30 2007 12:19 AM

One antenna met another antenna, and they were married. The reception was great.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
A bad hare day.

Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"

Remember laughter's the best medicine, unless you're asthmatic; and then it’s Ventolin.
Posted by: Eraserhead

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 30 2007 03:21 AM

Quote:

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.





What did they call Batman and Robin after they were run over by a steamroller?

Flatman and Ribbon.

Now, that's just bad, ain't it?
Posted by: gtho4

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 30 2007 05:47 PM

    A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says,"No, sorry." So the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back and asks,"Got any grapes?" The bartender again says "No."

    This goes on for several days, until the bartender has enough and says,"Look, everyday you come in here and ask if we have any grapes and everyday I say no. The next time you come in here I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!"

    The next day the duck comes back and asks the bartender, "Got any nails?" The bartender says, "No."
    "Got any grapes?"
Posted by: bethfay

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 30 2007 06:27 PM

I suppose this one is politically incorrect, but I can't help myself since I haven't stopped laughing for the last fifteen minutes ...

A woman is at her local supermarket and has placed her items in front of the cashier - a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2-lb. can of coffee and a 1-lb. package of bacon.

As the cashier is ringing up her items, a drunk walks up behind her in line, looks over her purchases and calmly says "You must be single".

The woman is a bit perplexed by this as she can't see anything particularly special about the things she is buying. Her curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she asks the drunk "It just so happens that you're correct - I am single. But how in the world can you tell that?"

The drunk replied, "Because you're ugly."
Posted by: Copago

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 30 2007 10:11 PM




I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.
The Asian says, 'Fluc you white people too!'
Posted by: Engadine

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 31 2007 01:58 AM

Okay, I know about a zillion of these (was married to an Irishman) and I'll apologise now . . . sorry , throw only money thanks!

Why do most Irish men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
An Irish electrician.

How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy 0'Furniture

Did you hear about the Irish helicopter crash?
The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

How do you confuse an Irishman?
Put him in a room full of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short.

Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.
Posted by: gtho4

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 31 2007 09:00 AM

Why'd the Irishman take a ladder to the pub?
He heard drinks were on the house.
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 31 2007 09:05 AM

Mick and Patrick were walking home one evening and saw a sign saying "Tree Fellers Wanted- Generous Pay".

Mick turns to Paddy and says "A pity Sean is not here- that sounds like a great job!".
Posted by: Bruyere

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 31 2007 11:45 AM

Very cute!


How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.

Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?

Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark
Posted by: skunkee

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 31 2007 12:31 PM

Quote:

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.





ROFLMAO!
Posted by: Engadine

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 31 2007 05:37 PM

Lightbulb jokes are almost as bad as Irish ones, but, what the heck . . .

How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're supposed to keep the President in the dark.


How many voyeurs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they'd much rather watch someone else do it.


How many Englishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'd rather curse the darkness.


How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. Or alternatively; Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
Posted by: Wazootyman

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 31 2007 06:41 PM

This one is only dirty if you want it to be.
Arnold Schwartzenegger has a long one.
Michael J. Fox has a short one.
Madonna doesn't have one at all.
The Pope doesn't use his any more.
What is it?

(a last name)
Posted by: Tai-Pan

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 31 2007 10:47 PM

What do you call a man who sits on your porch all summer?
Paddy O'Furniture.
What do you call a man who continually bangs his head on a brick wall?
Rick O'Shea.
Posted by: Tai-Pan

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jan 31 2007 10:55 PM

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb As digging continues into the night!
Posted by: Mozziebabe

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Mar 05 2007 05:56 PM

One cow turns to the other and says "Mooo!"
The other cow looks at him and says "Oi! That's what I was going to say!"

Two months later the same two cows are talking, and one says "So what do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other cow replies "what the hell would I know? I'm a toaster!"

Posted by: ren33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 06 2007 07:46 AM

My favourite light bulb joke:
Why does it take 5 women with PMT to change a light bulb?
BECAUSE IT DAMN WELL DOES!!!!
Posted by: IndieQueen

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 06 2007 08:22 AM

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?


One less drunk at the Irish funeral.
Posted by: lady1

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 06 2007 09:31 AM

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?


Space!
Posted by: MrsWiggum

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 06 2007 09:33 AM

What's 20 feet long and smells like urine?
A line dance at the retirement home.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!

What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Posted by: angel_us

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 06 2007 12:45 PM

How many flamboyant men does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four. One to change it, three to stand around and exclaim " Faaaaaabulous"
Posted by: kvrgirl1

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Mar 17 2007 03:01 AM

What did the farmer say when he found three holes in the ground? "Well, well well."
Posted by: luddy2

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Mar 25 2007 05:51 PM

What do you call a woman who throws her bills on the fire? Bernadette
Posted by: tim10001

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 27 2007 10:15 AM

Who is the most important person at a Mexican wedding?


The guy with the jumper cables!
Posted by: Bruyere

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 27 2007 05:11 PM

Oh boy Tim!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.


For some odd reason, like my need to get a life perhaps, this one sent me into gales of laughter.


A cowboy moseys into a saloon and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've all gone to the hanging." The cowboy asked, "Who are they hanging?" The bartender answered, "Brown Paper Pete." "What kind of name is Brown Paper Pete," the cowboy asked. The bartender explained, "Well, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes." The cowboy said, &"That's weird. What are they hanging him for?" The bartender said, "Rustling!"



and:

Once upon a time an evil king captured a princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful, the evil king forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will come and rescue me!" The evil king replied, "Not in that thing!" She waited day and night, but it was just as the evil king had said. Every knight who saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgusting, smelly burlap dress. After many months, the princess broke down crying. The evil king taunted the princess, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"
Posted by: lostsanity

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 27 2007 10:15 PM

Rene Descartes walks into his local bar.
The barman asks, "Hi Rene, having your usual?".
Descartes ponders this and replies "I think not", whereupon he disappears.


A little boy is looking over his parents wedding photos when he turns to his mother and asks her, "Mom, why is your wedding dress white?".
"That was to show that I was pure" she replied.
Not really understanding what that meant he went out to the garage to ask his father.
"Dad" he said, "why was Moms wedding dress white?"
"Heck, son" the father replied "Don't you know that all kitchen appliances come like that."
Posted by: tim10001

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Mar 28 2007 10:55 AM

Two angels, we'll call them Clarence and Bob, had just gotten their wings.
After years of hard work in heaven, to celebrate, they decided to go to earth for a bit of fun. As they left the pearly gates, Saint Peter reminded them
that to preserve their newly winged status they had to be back by midnight
in good condition and with all of their
newly issued angel equipment. So they
take off and as luck would have it they decided to go to New Orleans, and also as luck would have it, it happened to be Fat Tuesday. Turned out to be fortuitous because New Orleans in the midst of Mardi Gras is one of the few places on earth where two angels in full angel regalia, golden robes, haloes
wings(of course), and golden harps, attract little or no special attention from anyone. So they hang out on the street with the assembled revelers for a while, witnessing behaviors they had never seen before or even imagined. At some point in all of this they find themselves in front of a combination
seafood joint and dancing venue called
Sam's Clam Disco. The man at the door
calls them over saying,"Hey, nice costumes", and tells them they should come inside and take part in the Mardi
Gras costume contest that was about to begin. Clarence looks at Bob, Bob looks at Clarence, they both simultaneously
shrug their shoulders and say well, what harm could it do, and they go inside. The patrons and staff are very friendly and generous and because of their fine costumes someone hands each of them a beer. And so the evening wears on, with the two angels getting caught up in the celebration and revelry. And the music is loud and the drinks flow freely and everyone has quite a lot of fun. There are many
costumed patrons and one by one they
are invited to go up on the stage
to be judged by the applause of the crowd. Finally, it is Bob and Clarence's turn. By this time they are both happily drunk, and they stumble, giggling onto the stage. The applause is deafening. They won the contest. There is much hand shaking and back slapping and they are presented
with a huge trophy, and everyone in the bar it seems wants to buy them a drink.
So the night of celebration goes on, and on, and on. Finally Clarence notices a clock on the wall behind the bar and it says 11:55 pm. He immediatly jumps up, grabs Bob by the arm, and they
both run from the bar, hastily saying goodbye to all their new friends as they go. When they get back to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter is there tapping the toe of his shoe on the gruond, looking at his watch, with a stern expression on his face, and he says, "Well, you guys just made it, but you are a sight". And they were. Robes and wings filthy, haloes crooked, falling down drunk, you get the picture.
Then Peter notices the huge trophy Bob is holding and says,"Looks like you traded one piece of hardware for another
down there tonight". The light of recognition of things forgotten instantly comes across Bob's face, and he blurts out," Oh my god. We have to go back. I left my harp in Sam's Clam Disco".
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Mar 28 2007 05:57 PM

Tim, that was awful!
Posted by: King01

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Apr 03 2007 03:50 PM

Q: Why was the water fountain arrested?

A: For Being Drunk in Public

Q: What do you call "My Cheese" ?

A: Nacho Cheese

...Those are the dumbest ones I can think of off the top of my head.
Posted by: romeomikegolf

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Apr 06 2007 01:58 AM

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can get closer to the kitchen sink.
Posted by: lady1

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Apr 06 2007 08:08 AM

Oh that is awful romeomikegolf!
Posted by: romeomikegolf

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Apr 08 2007 11:02 AM

The Irish Government sent 2000 troops to assist in the Gulf War. The Mexicans still aren't sure what to do with them.
Posted by: romeomikegolf

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Apr 08 2007 11:05 AM

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They just hold it and the world revolves around them.
Posted by: luddy2

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Apr 17 2007 05:14 PM

Did you hear about the Irish shoplifter?...They found him dead under Walmart.
Posted by: Yaarbiriah

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Apr 17 2007 05:43 PM

customer: why do you claim this cabinet is made of cedar wood?
salesman: you scrape off da paint you can see da wood
Posted by: Bruyere

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Apr 18 2007 01:36 PM

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

How do you make anti-freeze?
Take away her blanket.

What do you call Robin Hood's mother?
Mother Hood.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit a fire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Posted by: BigBrain99

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Apr 18 2007 02:14 PM

here is a really bad knock knock joke

knock knock
whos there
boo
boo who
no need to cry its only a joke...
Posted by: PARTSDUDE

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Apr 18 2007 02:24 PM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To see his friend Gregory, peck!
Posted by: thegogga

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Apr 19 2007 05:28 AM

The worst one I've ever heard...

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff!
Posted by: romeomikegolf

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Apr 23 2007 02:53 AM

Two men were sat in an Indian restaurant when a car crashed through the window. Both survived, but one now has a dicky tikka and the other is in a korma.
Posted by: skumma

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Apr 30 2007 01:05 AM

Customer in restaurant-"waiter, have you got frogs' legs?"


Waiter - "No sir, it's just the way I walk!"
Posted by: BigBrain99

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat May 05 2007 09:59 AM

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because the chicken was sick!
Posted by: fontenilles

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon May 07 2007 05:51 PM

Bob Dylan goes into a bar and asks for a coffee. He shouts over to the waiter " hey this coffee tastes like mud"
Waiter replies " so it should, it was ground this morning.
Posted by: Bruyere

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon May 07 2007 06:12 PM

Bilingual joke here:

THere was once a famous French chef giving a demonstration of making one of the classic French recipes, an omelette.
With great flair, he cracked one egg, beat it, cooked it and one of the young chefs timidly raised his hand to pose the question burning his mind. The English chef said, 'But Maitre, why have you only used one egg?'

'C'est simple, one egg's enough.'
Posted by: Dragonkin

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon May 07 2007 09:40 PM

What goes black and white and black and white and black and white?

A nun falling down some stairs.
Posted by: leelee63

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue May 08 2007 07:50 AM

what do you call two guys with no arms and no legs on the window sill?

curt and rod
Posted by: MollyGrue

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed May 16 2007 12:49 PM

Where do crazy people walk?
Down the psycho path.

How do you catch a squirrel?
You sit in a tree and act like a nut.

How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.

Two nuns were driving through the woods when a demon jumps onto the hood of their car, the two nuns immediately start praying, but the demon stays. Then one nun says to the other "Sister Mary, show him your cross." So sister Mary leans out the window and yells, get off the car!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

ONe boy says to the other "I have a dog with no legs, I call him Cigarette."
The other boy says "Why's that?"
"Because every night I take him out for a drag."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted.

A horse walks into a bar the bartender says "Why the long face?"

What do you call two men with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Swimming trunks.
Posted by: callie_ross

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed May 16 2007 01:00 PM

Here's an old joke:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Posted by: pu2-ke-qi-ri

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu May 17 2007 05:34 PM

Q: How long does it take for an astronaut to drive from Houston to Florida?

A: It depends.
Posted by: garyfire

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu May 17 2007 05:41 PM

Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.

What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
A tuba toothpaste.

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

and the best one *drum roll*

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Banana?
Posted by: garyfire

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu May 17 2007 05:45 PM

also, for really bad comics, go here. I laugh because I shouldn't. It's great.

http://www.whiteninjacomics.com/comics/ark.shtml
Posted by: romeomikegolf

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri May 18 2007 11:38 AM

What do you call a man with a plank on his head?
Edwood.

What do you call a man with three planks on his head?
Edwood Woodwood.
Posted by: sladeninj

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri May 18 2007 12:07 PM

What is black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra

What is black and white and red all over?

A baby skunk with diaper rash

What is black and white and red all over?

A hot fudge sundae covered in catsup

What is black and white and red all over?

A newspaper (white paper and black print and "read" all over)
Posted by: pu2-ke-qi-ri

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri May 18 2007 07:53 PM

What do you call a guy who loves Tolstoy?

Warren Piece
Posted by: romeomikegolf

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun May 20 2007 01:43 AM

Knock Knock
Who's There
Sam 'n Janet
Sam 'n Janet who?


Sam 'n Janet evening, you may see a stranger.
Posted by: LadyCaitriona

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun May 20 2007 02:32 PM

I had to say it aloud, but LOL!
Posted by: romeomikegolf

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon May 21 2007 08:50 AM

Janet arrives home with a new dress she has bought in the sales. She goes to her husband and says " Look, I got this for a rediculous figure."
He looks at her and says "I can see that, but how much did you pay for it?"
Posted by: Bruyere

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon May 21 2007 09:09 AM

Did you hear the creator of the hokey pokey died?

They had trouble getting him in the casket. When they put his left foot in, it came right back out.



Two snakes are slithering down the sidewalk.
One says to the other, “Hey, are we poisonous?”
The other says, “I don't know, why?”
The first snake says, “Because I just bit my lip.”
Posted by: MuggleMomUSA

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon May 21 2007 12:31 PM

ohhh that's a good one!
Posted by: igotmeajd

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon May 21 2007 12:39 PM



Two blonds walk into a bar...the third one ducks.

***

What do you call ten rabbits walking backwards in a row?

A receding hare line.

***

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on a-head, I'll just hang around here.
Posted by: Dragonkin

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon May 21 2007 08:11 PM

Two dyslexics walk into a bra...
Posted by: MuggleMomUSA

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri May 25 2007 05:48 AM

Ohhh yea that's rich! Wonder how many didn't get it....




Wow...I just noticed that I replied to this joke twice. It was that funny.
Posted by: MuggleMomUSA

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri May 25 2007 05:54 AM

1st guy, " Man, this place smells like up dog."

2nd guy, "What the heck is up dog?"

1st guy, " Not much man what the heck is up with you?"
Posted by: lady1

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jun 06 2007 11:50 AM

How do you catch a rabbit?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Hide behind a bush and growl like a carrot.


What do you give a skeleton who walks into a bar and orders a drink?

.
.
.
.
.

A mop.


Sorry!
Posted by: Lemonem

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jun 07 2007 06:53 AM

How did the blonde burn her face?
Bobbing for chips
Posted by: LazyKat

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jun 09 2007 12:24 PM

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?

Thanks, I'll never part with it.
Posted by: eburge

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jun 20 2007 03:00 AM

Q. Who's the strongest person in society?
A: Policemen - they can hold up traffic with one hand.

Q: How does the queen get around her palace?
A: She's throne.

Q: Where do ants buy their ties?
A: KMart.

Q: When is a car not a car?
A: When it turns into a driveway.

Q: What's ET short for?
A: He's only got little legs.

Ask me if I'm a tree.
Huh?
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
Posted by: shroggy

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jun 27 2007 03:46 AM

A blind man walked into a bar.
Posted by: mountaingoat

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jul 05 2007 01:06 AM

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. 1 to change the bulb and 9 to make the documentary.
Posted by: mountaingoat

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jul 05 2007 01:08 AM

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

Lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.



Man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. Barman asks where he got it.

Frog says "It started as a wart on my bum and grew from there."
Posted by: romeomikegolf

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Jul 06 2007 10:06 AM

One that only the Brits may understand.


I went to the doctor yesterday with an embarrassing itch. He examined me and said 'You've got Hermes.' I said 'Don't you mean Herpes?'. He said 'No, you're a carrier'.
Posted by: Flynn_17

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Jul 06 2007 10:36 AM

A joke... or more of an anti-joke... for the German speaking set.

Zwei Kühe in dem Feld. Beide Kühe essen Gras. Plötzlich springt ein Kaninchen nach hinter einen Busch heraus. Die Kühe betrachten einander und das Kaninchen läuft weg. Eine Kühe isst einen Bisschen Gras und folgt.

Hysterical, huh?
Posted by: Flynn_17

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Jul 06 2007 10:39 AM

How many women with PMT does it take to change a lightbulb?

FOUR, IT JUST DOES, OK?


A Swedish man walks into a bar with a large green-and-red parrot on his shoulder. The barman looks at the Swede and says "Where did you get that from?"

"Sweden - there's loads of 'em!" says the parrot.
Posted by: guilmon3

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jul 15 2007 03:41 PM

Ok, I'm too lazy to read through all this, but these really are bad!!!

One day, a guy walked into a bar to get a beer (duh). He goes up to the counter, and a cow comes to take his order. After a few seconds of silence, the cow says, 'I guess you weren't expecting to see me here, huh?'
The guy responded, 'Yeah, what happened? Did the horse sell the place?'

How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you later.

Two guys walk into a bar. One ducks.
Posted by: Gordana

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Jul 16 2007 08:36 AM

Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts, she
never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.
>
> - Honey! - said the psychic. You will not have luck in love
in this life. But in the reincarnation, you will be a very
desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.
>
> Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a
bridge she thought: "the sooner I die, the sooner my next
life begins" She decided to jump off the bridge right away.
>
> But, incredibly Jane didn't die!
>
> She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost
her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still
drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing
where she was, she started touching her surroundings,
feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her
face:
>
> - GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!
> - One at a time.
Posted by: lady1

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jul 18 2007 02:30 AM

Two men are skiing. When they get to the bottom of the slope they ask a third man: 'Did you see us skiing down the hill?'

Third man: Yes I did

First man: Could you tell us if we were Zig Zagging or Zag Zigging?

Third man: Sorry I'm a Tabogganist so I realy could not say.

First man: In that case can I have a pack of Dunhill Lights please?
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jul 18 2007 02:31 AM

LOL, thats terrible! Why am I laughing?
Posted by: Gordana

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jul 19 2007 08:48 AM

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now
need to enter a password...something he will use to log on.


The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's' attention.


So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it
plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in.....



P...
E...
N...
I...
S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH
Posted by: MaggieG

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jul 19 2007 04:31 PM

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh


What do you call a spider with no legs?


A currant



What do you call a sheep with no legs?


A cloud
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jul 19 2007 10:14 PM

Gordana, I almost fell off my chair laughing at the joke.
Posted by: King01

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jul 21 2007 08:23 PM

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no-eye deer!

What do you call my cheese?

Na Cho' cheese

Why did the water fountain get arrested?

For being drunk in public
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jul 22 2007 03:13 AM



Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him!
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jul 22 2007 03:46 AM

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, "Ludwig can Beethoven, 1770-1827."

Then he realises that the music is the Ninth symhony and it is being played backwards. Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and returns with a friend. by the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that they are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the Ninth, then the Seventh, then the Fifth.

By the nest day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.

Just then the caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "Beethoven is decomposing!"


Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jul 22 2007 03:50 AM

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he sufferend from bad breath. This made him what?

A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis!

(say it aloud)
Posted by: lady1

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Jul 23 2007 04:04 AM

Whats the difference between a camera and a sock?


A camera takes Pho-toes
A sock takes five toes (ugh)
Posted by: trevor1968

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jul 28 2007 06:26 PM

Why did the mother throw the clock out the window?--- She wanted to see time fly.

Why did the mother throw butter out the window?--- She wanted to see a butterfly.

What is black and white and red (read) all over?--- newspaper

What is black and white with a cherry on top?---- police car
Posted by: 1312377

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jul 28 2007 06:47 PM

What did one pancake say to the other?

See you on the flip side.

......Oh boy.......
Posted by: trevor1968

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jul 29 2007 03:14 PM

What begins with "e" and ends in "e" and only has one letter in it?

Envelope
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Aug 01 2007 06:17 AM

A bear goes in to a bar and asks. "May I have a ham...........................................and tomato sandwich please."

The bartender asks, "why the pause"

"'coz I'm a bear."
Posted by: King01

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Aug 01 2007 04:22 PM

ahhaha that one actually made me laugh because it's so dumb!
Posted by: jericha

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Aug 01 2007 10:53 PM

Q. Why is six afraid of seven?

A. Because seven, eight, nine.
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Aug 06 2007 02:36 AM

Ha! My dad put that on my Ninth? birthday card. He's been telling it to me since I was knee high to a grasshopper as well.
Posted by: carolthescot

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Aug 12 2007 02:10 PM

Quote:

What do you call a man who sits on your porch all summer?
Paddy O'Furniture.
What do you call a man who continually bangs his head on a brick wall?
Rick O'Shea.




ROTFL-I love these
Posted by: JaneMarple

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Aug 12 2007 05:06 PM

Two elephants fell off a can of paint - Boom Boom
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Aug 13 2007 03:37 AM

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
- paint it's toenails red

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
- it works, doesn't it?

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas,.....

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

There were so many more I could have put, but they wouldn't have been suitable.
Posted by: Maniachilles

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Aug 13 2007 06:28 AM

A camel, gorilla, parrot, zebra, cannibal, ghost & pterodactyl walk into a pub.
The barman looks up and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
Posted by: malarson

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Aug 13 2007 12:56 PM

What does a dyslexic ghost say?

Oob.

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi looks at the priest and says, "Hey, did you hear the one about us?"
Posted by: fontenilles

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Aug 13 2007 01:29 PM

Jesus came back after two thousand years and walked up to a Inn carrying two nails and said " Can you put me up for the night"
Yes It's a bad taste joke sorry lol!
Robin
Posted by: gillyharold

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Aug 22 2007 03:15 PM

A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two
kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to
himself, "What the heck have I done?" He began to ponder, "How am
I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a
while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and
see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loads
them into his van and off he rushes to the local hospital. He
walked up and down the hospital and after some serious surgery,
he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they doing?" The doctor
replies, "Comfortable, sir!"
Posted by: clayfrd

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Aug 22 2007 03:42 PM

Who sings "Blue Suede Shoes" and delivers packages overnight?


Elvis Expressley
Posted by: Daia_No_Hana

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Sep 15 2007 03:26 AM

Q: If a mouse lost it's tail, where would it get a new one?

A: A re-tail store

Q: Who is the 1st cat to find America?

A: Christofur Collompuss
Posted by: nonobadgirl

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Sep 18 2007 04:04 AM

Q. What do you call a bus full of lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A. A good start.
- - - - - - - - -

Q. How can you tell if your lawyer is lying?

A. His lips are moving.
Posted by: Dragonkin

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Sep 18 2007 06:06 PM

Q: What is the definition of a 'shame' as in: "That's a Shame!"?
A: A busload of lawyers going off a cliff.
Q: What's the definition of a 'crying shame'?
A: There was an empty seat.

By the way, badgirl, I always heard the 'his lips are moving' one told about military recruters. But then again, I am an Army Brat, that might have something to do with it.
Posted by: ClaraSue

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Sep 18 2007 07:47 PM

Quote:

By the way, badgirl, I always heard the 'his lips are moving' one told about military recruters. But then again, I am an Army Brat, that might have something to do with it.





hmmm, and I've always heard that one told about men. But then, I'm a woman and that definitely has something to do with it.
Posted by: Flapflap5

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Sep 20 2007 08:43 AM

why did the chicken cross the road

he just wanted to
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Sep 21 2007 02:59 AM

What do you call 11 lawyers buried up to their necks in your back lawn?

Soccer practice!
Posted by: papo2228

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Sep 21 2007 10:52 AM

When a door is not a door ?
When it is ajar.
Papo2228
Posted by: BrillQuizzer1

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Sep 30 2007 07:56 AM

Three men walk into a bar

Irish man:Oooohhh,mee eeed
English man:Butler,get me some Ice
Scottish man: A large whiskey please mayte
Posted by: gillyharold

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Sep 30 2007 11:25 AM

I found out today through my friends that Las Vegas is home to the world's largest strip club -- "Sapphire."

It has 70,000 feet and 400 topless dancers.

It's like Hooters meets Costco.
Posted by: momoapple

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Sep 30 2007 09:22 PM

This is a really bad one

What do u call it when u slip on 1 banana then on another?

Any one?

Its called a pair of slippers hahahahahah baddest joke ever
Posted by: peggy5

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Oct 01 2007 04:48 AM

What do you get when you cross a dog with a giraffe?






An animal that barks at planes
Posted by: Flapflap5

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Oct 01 2007 02:36 PM

Quote:

This is a really bad one

What do u call it when u slip on 1 banana then on another?

Any one?

Its called a pair of slippers hahahahahah baddest joke ever



its not, why did the chick cross the road is the wrost!
Posted by: pu2-ke-qi-ri

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Oct 02 2007 09:19 PM

No, this one is much, much worse! If only for the pretense of learning and poor quality of the pun.

What's that old Hindu cowboy song?
Ohm, ohm on the range.
Posted by: Bruyere

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Oct 02 2007 11:25 PM

Found a couple more recently..

What do you get when Steve Jobs hires and fires a lot of people in six months?
An Apple turnover.


It is not a well known fact, but soccer was very popular in ancient Rome. The Coliseum was used for matches. There was a big match planned for one Saturday, and three famous Romans arranged to meet at the Coliseum to see the match (Rome vs. Naples). When the day came, Caesar and Cassius met in their favorite bar, but there was no sign of their friend Brutus. So shortly before the kick-off, they gave up and went to their reserved seats to watch the game.

At half time, Brutus finally arrived "Sorry I'm late," he said. "The wheel came off the chariot, and I couldn't get it fixed. How's the game going?"

"It's been a fantastic game so far," Caesar replied.

"What's the score, then?"

"Eight-two, Brutus."

A man with a cucumber in his ear, a carrot in his nose, and a tomato in his eye walks into the doctor's office. He says, "Doc, I'm not feeling well. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "First of all, you're not eating right...."
Posted by: gillyharold

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Oct 09 2007 09:12 PM

You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking
Posted by: Dragonkin

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Oct 11 2007 05:29 PM

Oh, Lord. That was so horrible, it was good. Major-league groaner.
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Oct 13 2007 08:48 PM

What happened to the sailors when a red ship crashed into a blue ship???

They got marooned!
Posted by: deadlydalton

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Nov 04 2007 05:14 PM

What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?

Irene.
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Nov 08 2007 12:27 AM

Here's one for the Dell haters...

A man walks into a public place carrying a laptop, and leaves it on a bench. He is later accused of being a terrorist. Why?

The laptop was a Dell...Dells blow up.
Posted by: romeomikegolf

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Nov 12 2007 11:47 PM

A man went to see his Doctor with a large fish on his head. The doctor asks "What can I do for you?", the man replies,"It's about this terrible head hake."
Posted by: Jar

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Nov 13 2007 10:47 AM

Great Good Groaner rmg --

But, I don't get the Dell one.....
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Nov 14 2007 02:11 AM

Oh, I think there was a thing in the news a while back about a few faulty Dells blowing up in user's laps.
Posted by: wigwambam

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jan 19 2008 05:51 PM

What did the letter O say to the number 8?


Nice belt.



Which composer is loved by chickens?


Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach.
Posted by: highfells

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jan 26 2008 03:38 PM

What do you call a man sitting on an oil rig?

Derek.
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jan 26 2008 08:51 PM

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Did you hear that noise this morning? I thought it was the break of day, but no, it was the crack of dawn!
Posted by: Woody156

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Jan 28 2008 01:05 PM

Did you hear about the concert cellist who liked rap music?

His name was "Yo Yo Ma Ma"!
Posted by: Woody156

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Jan 28 2008 01:07 PM

Did you hear about the taxidermist who decided against running for Mayor?

Too many skeletons in the closet...
Posted by: littlesuzie

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Feb 11 2008 09:02 PM

Why was 6 sad. Because 7 8 9
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Feb 23 2008 01:36 AM

Some truly horrible jokes coming right up...

Why did the cell cross the microscope?

To get to the other slide.


Teacher: Who invented fractions?

Student: Henry the Eighth
Posted by: MadNotAngry

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Feb 24 2008 12:43 AM

Quote:

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen.





-----

Quote:

What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?

Irene.




-----


What do you call a Mexican woman with one leg?

Consuelo
Posted by: NoelsFan

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Feb 24 2008 10:41 AM

What do you call a dear with no eyes?


No eye deer!!!




What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


Still no eye dear!!
Posted by: KrivoyRog

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Feb 27 2008 09:29 AM

A man says to his Doctor, "Doctor, I really believe that I am Tom Jones. Is this a common complaint?"

Doctor replies, "Well, it's not unusual"
Posted by: bjb

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Mar 20 2008 05:44 PM

What time did the chinese man go to the dentist? Tooth-Hurty ( 2:30)
Posted by: bjb

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! *DELETED* - Thu Mar 20 2008 05:46 PM

Post deleted by ozzz2002
Posted by: bjb

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Mar 20 2008 05:50 PM

What do you call a fox with one leg? Terry
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Mar 20 2008 08:25 PM

Heap Big Indian chief had his three squaws sleeping on animal hides in his tepee. The first squaw slept on a cow hide, the second squaw slept on a horse hide, and the third squaw slept on a hippopotamus hide. Bye and bye, they all became pregnant and presented the chief with his heirs. The squaw who slept on the cow hide had a son, the squaw who slept on the horse hide had a son, but the squaw who slept on the hippopotamus hide had twin sons...

MORAL: The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Posted by: cee71

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Mar 24 2008 02:07 PM

how many ears had star trek's mr spock?

3..a left ear..a right ear and a final frontier
Posted by: shorty94

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Apr 02 2008 05:54 PM

did you hear about the blonde that shot and arrow into the air?

she missed
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Apr 03 2008 01:44 AM

Quote:

did you hear about the blonde that shot and arrow into the air?

she missed





I do archery and I'm blonde, but I can laugh at that...
Posted by: shorty94

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Apr 03 2008 01:45 PM

YEA IM A BLONDE AND I DO ARCHERY SOMETIMES TO AND IM ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD!!
Posted by: Starlord

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Apr 26 2008 07:04 PM

What is DNA?

The National Dyslexia Association.
Posted by: Starlord

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Apr 27 2008 12:49 PM

Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli?

A strong currant dragged him in.
Posted by: Starlord

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Apr 27 2008 09:29 PM

What do you call a septic cat?

Puss.
Posted by: trojan11

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed May 28 2008 06:25 AM

I'm so old that whenever I eat out, they ask me for the money upfront.
Posted by: Trigger7

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed May 28 2008 06:59 AM

We shouldn't pick on lawyers, but how can we resist, after all, they charge us whatever they like, even if they lose our case, sooo...
What do you have if you see a Lawyer with his head sticking out of the sand?
Not Enough Sand !!
Posted by: MadMags

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Jun 06 2008 09:37 AM

Another lawyer joke...

How do you know if it's cold outside?

The lawyers have their hands in their own pockets
Posted by: vene

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jun 19 2008 06:47 AM

Finally a chance to share this one - happy that it works in Dutch and English:

Q: It's underneath a statue and shoots at you.

A: Plinth Eastwood!
Posted by: Woody156

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Aug 10 2008 10:30 PM

A Native American goes to the Medicine Man and says, "Doc, I have a recurring dream. One night I dreamt I was a wigwam. The next night I dreamt I was a teepee. What's wrong with me?"

"That's easy. You're two tents!"
Posted by: Woody156

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Aug 10 2008 10:31 PM

Why didn't the rattlesnake bite the lawyer?

Professional courtesy!
Posted by: deepakmr

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Aug 10 2008 11:44 PM

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more!
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Aug 11 2008 12:22 AM

So, two parrots were sitting on a perch, and one says to the other, 'Does something smell fishy to you?'
Posted by: triviapaul

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Aug 11 2008 06:37 PM

Some jokes are so bad they should be outlawed. I found this piece of humoristic atrocity in my e-mail:

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there,
in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon,
double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded
but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying
breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...




Ees


Ees



Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush.
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Aug 11 2008 11:36 PM

I did not see THAT one coming!
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Aug 12 2008 03:48 AM

*massive groan*
Posted by: JaneMarple

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Aug 15 2008 10:27 AM

I love it
Posted by: vene

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Aug 20 2008 05:23 AM

muahahaha!
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Sep 02 2008 10:04 PM

Did you hear about the Irish lottery?

First prize is 10 pounds a year, for a million years.
Posted by: ecnalubma

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Sep 12 2008 01:18 AM

I love the Ham Bush!!

Did not see that coming.
Posted by: gtho4

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Sep 19 2008 09:15 AM

How much does it cost a pirate to have his ears pierced?

About a buccaneer.
Posted by: ME93

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Oct 10 2008 08:23 PM

My friends dad told me this one-

Q.What do you get when Gerard Depardieu marries Whoppi Goldberg?

A. Whoopi Dupi-Doo

and

This one was on the back of a cheezle packet-

Teacher-Billy, the bell has gone.

Billy-But Miss,I didn't take it!
Posted by: malarson

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Oct 11 2008 10:30 AM

Person A: Knock knock.

Person B: Who's there?

Person A: A republican.

Person B: A republican who?

Person A: A white guy who's afraid of change.

A liberal friend of mine made this up to irk our conservative friend.
Posted by: MadMags

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Oct 30 2008 07:48 AM

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he look back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,







(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





The coffin stops.
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Oct 30 2008 01:59 PM

Oh Mags, that was horrible!

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.
Posted by: Verbonica

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Oct 30 2008 03:06 PM

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near
Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted
highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in
front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to
control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.


Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the
passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... with her head bleeding! Despite
the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical
assistance.



Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short
while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a
large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.



A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts,
"Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a
terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your
phone?"



"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a
doctor; come in and I will get him!"



Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my
assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical
training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."



With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following
closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from
exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.



After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious,
Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no
avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.



The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to
his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has
always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody
fills the house.



Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he
notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano
music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He
is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!



Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.



He bursts in and shouts to his master:

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>



"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Posted by: jordandog

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Oct 31 2008 10:15 AM

I loved it, Verbonica!

Mags, I wonder how loud I would have to groan for you to hear me...
Posted by: JaneMarple

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Oct 31 2008 03:29 PM

Quote:

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near
Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted
highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in
front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to
control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.


Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the
passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... with her head bleeding! Despite
the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical
assistance.



Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short
while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a
large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.



A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts,
"Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a
terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your
phone?"



"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a
doctor; come in and I will get him!"



Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my
assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical
training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."



With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following
closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from
exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.



After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious,
Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no
avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.



The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to
his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has
always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody
fills the house.



Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he
notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano
music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He
is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!



Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.



He bursts in and shouts to his master:

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>



"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"




Very very good!!
Posted by: adawaz

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Nov 01 2008 07:55 AM

A wifes birthday was fast approaching so husband asked her what she would like.With a sigh she responded that she would like to be eight again, The dear old husband arranged a myriad of events for her- the zoo,a theme park,jelly and ice cream,etc etc. They arrived home on the evening of her big day and the husband said "Well dear how does it feel to eight again "? The wife looked at him in amazement and said " I MEANT A SIZE 8" MORAL OF THE STORY -EVEN WHEN MEN ARE LISTENING THEY GET IT WRONG!
Posted by: greedium

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Nov 02 2008 09:31 AM

Quote:

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he look back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,







(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





The coffin stops.





LOL. I Actually laughed out loud, sometimes bad jokes are funny.
Posted by: BurnBabyBurn5

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Nov 04 2008 12:26 PM

Quote:

A wifes birthday was fast approaching so husband asked her what she would like.With a sigh she responded that she would like to be eight again, The dear old husband arranged a myriad of events for her- the zoo,a theme park,jelly and ice cream,etc etc. They arrived home on the evening of her big day and the husband said "Well dear how does it feel to eight again "? The wife looked at him in amazement and said " I MEANT A SIZE 8" MORAL OF THE STORY -EVEN WHEN MEN ARE LISTENING THEY GET IT WRONG!




Sad. Haha.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?


Right where you left him.
Posted by: deepakmr

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Nov 08 2008 01:25 AM

What happened when the Elephant sat on the Mercedes?

Mercedes Bends
Posted by: deepakmr

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Dec 04 2008 10:50 AM

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have guts!
Posted by: tsunamicharly

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 20 2009 02:14 AM

A man is walking his Rottweiler on a hot day and decides to stop at a bar, for a drink. He ties up his dog and goes in for a cold beer. Just when he finishes, a woman enters asking if someone has a dog outside.
the man says, "Yes that's my Rottweiler."
"I'm sorry, sir, but you dog is dead."
"Did you hit him with your car"?
"No," she replies, "my dog killed him."
"What do you have, a Pit Bull?" the man inquires.
"No, a Chihuahua," she says.
"How on earth did your Chihuahua kill my Rottweiler?"
"I'm no vet, but I think she got stuck in his throat."

I know. It's horrid. Please don't kill me.
Posted by: MadMags

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jan 20 2009 08:51 AM

Lol, tsunamicharly, that made me laugh out loud!!
Posted by: Eraserhead

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jan 29 2009 10:37 PM

Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs, tied to a wharf?

A. Maude

Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs, with two sausages on her back?

A. Barbie.

Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs, lying between two pieces of bread?

A. Marge
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Jan 30 2009 03:17 AM

Ok, so one maths book says to another, 'boy, do you have problems.'
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jan 31 2009 01:28 AM

How do you stop diseases spread by biting insects?

Don't bite any.
Posted by: gtho4

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Feb 10 2009 03:51 AM

    Quote:

    "How on earth did your Chihuahua kill my Rottweiler?"
    "I'm no vet, but I think she got stuck in his throat."


thanks mate,
now there's coffee all over my keyboard!
Posted by: tsunamicharly

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Feb 10 2009 07:05 PM

Quote:

thanks mate,
now there's coffee all over my keyboard!




Sorry about that. Be glad I didn't post the other one.

Charly
Posted by: bikoz

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Feb 28 2009 10:44 AM

What's the penalty for bigamy?
- Two mother-in-laws.
-------------------------------
Ha ha. Many more to come!
Posted by: Eraserhead

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Mar 08 2009 08:36 PM

Q. What's a bigamist?

A. A large Italian fog.
Posted by: ClaraSue

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Mar 09 2009 05:32 AM

ROFLOL!
Posted by: tsunamicharly

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Mar 09 2009 06:09 AM

Q: What did the cannibal's wife give him, when he was late for dinner?

A: The cold shoulder.
Posted by: ErnestS

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 24 2009 12:37 PM

The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

... but the people of Abu-Dhabi do!
Posted by: MadMags

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 24 2009 09:34 PM

Hahaha
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Mar 25 2009 03:50 AM

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."

An astronomer looks at the sky through a telescope, searching for something. After a while he stands up, looks to the heavens, and yells, "You cannot be Sirius!"
Posted by: NalaMarie

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Mar 26 2009 02:56 AM

I did a search for these, and I don't think these have been posted...until now.

1) There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

------

2) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
So what did this make him?
A super, callused, fragile, mystic, plagued with halitosis!

------

3) Census taker: How many children do you have?
Woman: Four.
Census taker: May I have their names, please?
Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.
Census taker: Okay. May I ask why you named your fourth child George?
Woman: Because we didn't want any Mo.

------

K, one more:
4) Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Posted by: bikoz

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Mar 29 2009 04:31 AM

Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Apr 09 2009 04:50 AM

A man runs into his doctor and yells, 'Doctor, Doctor. My wife is pregnant, and she keeps yelling "shouldn't, can't, won't, couldn't!" over and over again! What do I do?'
The Doctor says, 'Calm down, it's nothing to worry about. She's just having contractions.'
Posted by: MadMags

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Apr 09 2009 08:42 AM

*groan* Now that's a good bad joke!
Posted by: tsunamicharly

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Apr 09 2009 06:31 PM

Quote:

'Calm down, it's nothing to worry about. She's just having contractions.'




Oh, I think I hurt something! Bad joke, bad! Go sit in an anthology.
Posted by: gtsnm

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Apr 28 2009 01:32 PM

A star high school football player is failing math. All he has to do to be eligable to play is answering a single math question. The coach askes "What is 2+2?" He says 4. "Four, did you say four?" The other players in the lockeroom all say "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
Posted by: Jar

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Apr 28 2009 09:31 PM

Oh Lioness, that is a major good bad joke!
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri May 15 2009 09:29 PM

So, f(X) walks into a bar, and the baman takes one look at him and says, "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions here"
Posted by: tsunamicharly

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat May 16 2009 01:56 AM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walk into a saloon and sit down to have a drink. After a few minutes, a cowboy walks in and calls out, "Who owns the big white horse hitched outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands up and says, "I do, why?"

The cowboy looks at him and says,"I thought you should know that your horse is nearly dead."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and sure enough, Silver is lying down, suffering from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger takes his hat off and fills it at a nearby trough. He lets Silver drink from it and soon Silver is feeling better.

"Kemosabe, I'll soak my blanket and run circles around him until he cools down" says Tonto.

"Thanks my friend," replies the Lone Ranger and returns to the saloon to get More drinks for Tonto and himself.

While waiting for the drinks, another cowboy enters and asks, Who has the white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger answers, "I do. What's wrong now?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,"Nothing, but I thought you should know you left your Injun running."
Posted by: leith90

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jun 04 2009 05:14 AM

Big bad wolf: I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in.

Little pig: Go away or I'll sneeze on you.
Posted by: c0ntessa

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jun 07 2009 01:24 AM

So the Blonde (sorry all blondes, true or bottled) gets a zebra for a new pet.
Guess what she names it... Spot.
Posted by: bubbafudd

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jun 07 2009 07:53 AM

What do you get when you toss a white hat into the Red Sea? A wet hat
Posted by: triviapaul

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jun 07 2009 04:49 PM

Quote:

So, f(X) walks into a bar, and the baman takes one look at him and says, "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions here"




That is the worst so far, honestly, my brain hurts
Posted by: Eraserhead

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Jul 03 2009 06:10 AM

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

(You're going to love this...............................)










'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'
Posted by: bubbafudd

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Jul 03 2009 06:43 AM

anyone hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
Posted by: delboy22

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Jul 13 2009 04:51 PM

Two flies on a bald mans head - one turns to the other and says "Hey George, haven't seen you around here for ages - you will find a lot has changed", to which George replies "Blimey Fred, I've heard of forest clearance, but this is amazing"
Posted by: ASA

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Jul 20 2009 08:26 PM

Why did the Mexican throw his wife out of the window

He wanted to kill her ( tequila)
Posted by: The_lioness33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jul 26 2009 07:56 AM

Did you know that 3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.
Posted by: MadMags

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jul 26 2009 01:33 PM

lol

Did you know those pirates get a discount on ear-piercings? They only pay a buck an ear
Posted by: Richie15

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jul 26 2009 05:05 PM

A piece of motorway hard shoulder swaggers into a pub and announces, "I'm hard, don't mess with.....", but on spotting another piece of tarmac sitting quietly in the corner stops abruptly, and backs out of the door.

"What was all that about?" the only drinker at the bar asks the barman.

"Well," says the barman, "The hard shoulder's pretty damned hard, but he wouldn't want to mess with him. He's a cycle path."
Posted by: Mercenary_Elk

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Aug 15 2009 09:19 AM

Hey, those psycho paths hurt if you fall on them! But a great joke nonetheless, Richie15!

How about this?
An old man has just bought a brand new sports car in order to make himself feel young again. He's whipping down the country roads at just over the speed limit, when he hears the siren of a cop car behind him. He decides to have a little fun and begins a chase. He's going double the limit now. Soon, he thinks, "Oh, I'm too old for this," and pulls over.

The cop comes up to him and says, "Sir, look, my shift ends in five minutes. You haven't hurt anyone and I'm tired of pressing people for being one over the speed limit. You give me an excuse that I haven't heard before, I'll let you off with a warning." The old man ponders for a second, then says:

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. I thought it was you trying to bring her back."
Posted by: Richie15

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Aug 26 2009 03:50 AM

A man goes to heaven and finds St.Peter standing in front of an enormous wall full of clocks.
"What are all those clocks for?"
"Everybody has their own lie-clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hand moves on."
"That one's a bit dusty, who does that belong to?"
"That was Mother Teresa's, the hands have never moved."
"And how about that old wooden one over there?"
"That was George Washington's. It moved only twice. Contrary to popular belief."
"Hmmm. I wonder.....where's Gordon Brown's?"
"Oh, God's got that one in his office. He uses it as a fan."
Posted by: gtho4

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu May 13 2010 06:53 PM

The Longest Password ever
    During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

    "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyCanberra"

    When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Posted by: dg_dave

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri May 14 2010 09:39 AM

Quote:

A man goes to heaven and finds St.Peter standing in front of an enormous wall full of clocks.
"What are all those clocks for?"
"Everybody has their own lie-clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hand moves on."
"Hmmm. I wonder.....where's Gordon Brown's?"
"Oh, God's got that one in his office. He uses it as a fan."




That's someone else I know...and his is moving faster than Gordon Brown's!
Posted by: aya3098

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat May 22 2010 03:26 PM

Q: Why do birds lay eggs?
A: If the dropped them, they'd break!
Posted by: srini701

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri May 28 2010 02:46 AM

This one's in here?
*************
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

'What's the matter?' the bartender asks.

'My wife and I got into a fight,' explained the guy 'and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days.'

The bartender thought about this for a while. 'But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?' asked the bartender.

'Yeah, except today is the last night.'
Posted by: MarchHare007

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Jun 01 2010 09:45 PM


Grandpa and the Australian Tax Office


The ATO decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and p e e into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the waste basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Posted by: tezza1551

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jun 10 2010 04:31 AM

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.


After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:














"Master, Master! .....







The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"





(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that one coming)
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jun 10 2010 04:53 AM

Tezza, that is terrible!
Posted by: tezza1551

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jun 10 2010 05:56 AM

Ozz, I know.. and I did apologise ! Blame the WA cold weather !
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Jun 16 2010 04:51 PM

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed--driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, mate, you'll never hit her from here!"
Posted by: MadMags

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jun 17 2010 12:02 AM

LOL !
Posted by: tezza1551

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Jun 21 2010 09:12 PM

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice
to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... Couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.


Yes, yes, I'm sorry !
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jun 24 2010 03:52 AM

Little Johnny said to his grandfather "Grandad, can you make a noise like a frog?"

Grandad was rather mystified and said "Yes, but why do you ask?".

Johnny replied "Because Mum said that when you croak, we can all go to Disneyland!"
Posted by: WesleyCrusher

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Sep 25 2010 05:14 PM

Here's a FunTrivia-related one out of a real problem I had tonight:

"How am I supposed to play Mind Melt with this kind of a Brain Freeze?"
Posted by: mehaul

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Sep 25 2010 08:43 PM

WED BULL gives you wedding wings.

RED TULL gave his brother Jethro the winged flute.

WRED BELL gives you wrings

DED BULL gives flies wings.

FED BULL gives your flowers wings (through the nitrogen cycle)

JED BULL loves Grannies wings, battered and deep fried.

RED BALL gives you bounces.

There's more.. but you better leave now, they don't call me BULL in a RED china shop for nothing.
Posted by: mehaul

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Sep 26 2010 12:21 AM

Here's the one that got me going on the Bull ride:::


MED BULL: gives hospitals wings.


and the farthest I've deviated from the theme:::


RED OCTOBER gives you pings.
Posted by: mehaul

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Sep 26 2010 02:13 AM

I gathered my sheep together so the RED WULLf wouldn't get them. Here they all are (some repeats of what's here already, hey laugh twice, it's okay!)They are kinda in reverse order of being created so the funnier ones come lat... no wait, they're all funny:::

FRED BULL doesn't know how to play so he wings it.

WRED BULL gives you wrings.

CRED BULL is called a felony and wings you off to Levenworth.

REB BULL gives you yell.

RED HULL gives your wingers stains if they're from pistachios (did I say wingers? I meant Fingers)

RED WULL doesn't keep you as warm as red wool would.

RED TULL gives his brother Jethro the winged flute notes.

RED OCTOBER gives you pings.

RED PULL a tendon in his left wing, hope itta be ok.

RED GULL gives your hat spots from winged creatures.

RED BELL makes your ears wing.

RED BILL gives you the yen to fly away fast. If only you'd drank that stuff that gives wings!

RED BALL gives you bounce

HED BULL gives truth wings.

JED BULL gives the statues around the seament pond wings, by crackey!

KEDs BULL gives your sneakers wings.

NED Bull gives punches, nasty piece of work that one. Avoid at all costs.

RAD Bull gives you groovy wings, yeah baby!

QED Bull gives your bibliography wings.

GED Bull... gives diplomas wings.

Winged Bull gets everyones' umbrellas out.

_._._ Bull gives nothing wings.

WED BULL::: gives your wabbit wings.

FED BULL::: gives your plants wings

BED BULL: gives your dreams wings.

The one that started them all:::
MED BULL::: It gives a hospital wings.
Posted by: mehaul

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Sep 26 2010 02:19 AM

Here's one for today:::


RED MULL gives you paws (not wings) for thought.
Posted by: mehaul

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Sep 26 2010 01:06 PM

RES JULL without Syd, I'll get no stinkin' ressyddulls from these.
Posted by: mehaul

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Nov 06 2010 07:06 PM

Then there was my pal Henry who wrote a play about a personal experience he had when he was doing some macrame and dropped a sodapop on a white outdoor carpet. Expected company soon, he didn't have time to adequately clean the stain, Since it was outdoors, he lavished wood chips over the stain. He called the play "Mulch a Dew about Knotting"
Posted by: Sawy586

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Nov 20 2010 09:31 PM

[Joe pulls off an 'extreme skateboarding'trick]
Cindy: Wow, pretty impressive, Joe!
[Joe pulls off another trick]
Cindy: So what's the hardest part of extreme skateboarding?
[Joe tries another trick and crashes with a THUD on the sidewalk]
Joe: (holding head) The pavement.
Posted by: ren33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Dec 04 2010 05:01 PM


Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
members of the family and social circle have been
known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial
wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:












"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."



You really didn't believe that I know
anything about penguins, did you!
Posted by: DivineMsDRL

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Dec 04 2010 07:13 PM

Ren, I love it.
Posted by: DaisiJ

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Feb 05 2011 02:25 PM

I love a good bad joke, and have laughed at many of these smilee

Here's my favorite bad joke:

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?


Depends on how thinly you slice them wink
Posted by: Bruyere

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Feb 05 2011 05:08 PM

I saw this one this morning.

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's an obscure number. You probably haven't heard of it.

Here's another one with the disclaimer...my own Methodist heritage enables me to laugh at this one!

Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We choose not to make a statement of either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb however, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way,long-lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ.


Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two - one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"


Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1: Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?

2: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?

3: Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps ...

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

2: Huh? The light's out?

3: None: only the inner light matters.

And here's a good one:


A man was polishing a light-bulb before inserting it into the socket, when there was a big flash and a genie appeared before him.

`I am the genie of the light-bulb,' he said.

`I will answer any three questions for you - but only three. Do you have three questions you would like to ask?'

`Who? Me?' said the man.

`Yes, you,' said the genie.

`Now, what is your third question?'
Posted by: tezza1551

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Feb 12 2011 07:26 PM

So how many dogs does it take to change a lightglobe ?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
I can do it just as quickly and efficiently as any human can. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!! Puhleeez let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Newfoundland:
Let the Border Collie do it and then you can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I'll just blow into the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. And by the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
Change it?? While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Irish Setter:
Huh?

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...

Mastiff:
We Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
"Yo quiero Taco Bulb."

Pointer:
I see it, the light bulb, there it is, there it is, right there....

Greyhound:
If it isn't moving, who cares?

Australian Cattle Dog:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I Don't see a light bulb. Maybe if you just trim the hair over my eyes a bit...

Hound Dog:
Zzzzzzzzzz...

Cat:
Cats don't change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So how long will it be before I can expect light?
Posted by: mehaul

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Feb 12 2011 11:29 PM

A generous bar walks into a room full of neatfreaks and says, "Drinks are on me!"
Posted by: Eraserhead

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Feb 13 2011 03:49 AM

Two baby harp seals walk into a club................


(Eraserhead ducks the stones thrown by the animal lovers with no sense of humour)
Posted by: Sawy586

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Mar 28 2011 05:54 PM

Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.
Posted by: Sawy586

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Mar 28 2011 05:58 PM

This one isn't exactly a joke. It's a quote from one of my all-time favorite video games, Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.

Gaz: Good newz first. We've got a civil war in Russia, Ultranationalists against loyalists, with 15,000 nukes at stake.
Captain Price: Just another day at the office.
Gaz: Khaled Al-Asad. Second most powerful man in the Middle East. Word has it he's got the resources to be top dog down there. Intel's keeping an eye on him.
Captain Price: And the bad news?
Gaz: We've got a new guy, fresh from Selection. His name's Soap.
Posted by: Sawy586

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Mar 28 2011 06:15 PM

Q: How many idiots does it take to open a champagne bottle?
A: Normally, one. But when the corkscrew breaks INSIDE the cork, you'd be surprised at how many people it takes to open it. Trust me. I know.



Q: How many hippies does it take to change a tire?
A: Umm... hang on, I'll just ask these hippies over here to change my tire...

--Five Hours Later--

The hippies still haven't changed my tire... I don't think they can. The answer? Oh, that would be... billions. Yeah, it would undoubtedly take a few billion hippies to get the MESSAGE THROUGH TO CHANGE MY GOD D*** TIRE!!!!
Posted by: golfmom08

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Mar 28 2011 07:16 PM

What's the difference between a reindeer and a caribou?

Reindeer can fly.
Posted by: ren33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Mar 31 2011 06:01 AM

There was a Scottish painter named S Hamish Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Hamish put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Hamish was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Hamish clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.


Hamish was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and
cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

(you're going to hate me for this)











"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Posted by: tezza1551

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Mar 31 2011 08:28 AM

Love it Ren. I do enjoy a bad pun.
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Mar 31 2011 02:55 PM

Is there a word that means 'to laugh groaningly', or 'to groan laughingly'? smile
Posted by: mountaingoat

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Apr 03 2011 05:41 AM

Hey Buryere, I heard that Methodists don't believe in sex because it may lead to dancing lol.

A man buys a drink in a bar and the barman says "No worries donkey." He returns and says "Here is your drink donkey."

A man sitting next him asks him about why he called him donkey.

The man replies "He aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."
Posted by: Bruyere

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Apr 03 2011 11:28 AM

Good one on the Methodists.

Here are a few:

How do you know that Adam was a Baptist?

Only a Baptist could stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.


A Lutheran pastor and his wife were driving along Lake Shore Drive, in Chicago, and they were pulled over for speeding. As officer O'Malley approached the pastor, he saw the pastor's clerics, and mistook him for a Roman Catholic priest. "Oh, sorry about dat, fader. Uh, just try and slow it down a little, OK?" As they drove away, the pastor's wife said, "Shame on you, Harold! That was unethical. You know who he thought you were!" "Oh, I know who he thought I was," replied the pastor. "I'm just wondering who he thought you were."
Posted by: Eraserhead

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Apr 08 2011 04:07 PM

Originally Posted By: Sawy586


Q: How many hippies does it take to change a tire?
A: Umm... hang on, I'll just ask these hippies over here to change my tire...

--Five Hours Later--

The hippies still haven't changed my tire... I don't think they can. The answer? Oh, that would be... billions. Yeah, it would undoubtedly take a few billion hippies to get the MESSAGE THROUGH TO CHANGE MY GOD D*** TIRE!!!!


The problem Sawy, is that the tire has to WANT to change.
Posted by: gillyharold

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Apr 11 2011 09:57 AM

I knew of a baby born in France and raised only on goose liver spread. He was paté trained.
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Apr 30 2011 02:18 PM

My normally fast snail hasn't been winning any races lately so I took it's shell off to make it lighter, but it's just made it more sluggish
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed May 11 2011 10:40 AM

My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Posted by: Carti

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jun 09 2011 07:33 AM

Ryan Giggs, Manchester United's Welsh footballer, says that he feels quite at home nowadays living in Lancashire, but that he does miss Wales occasionally.
Posted by: deputygary

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jun 09 2011 08:11 AM

One day a vulture bought a ticket on an airline. He showed up at the gate with two dead raccoons under his arms. The gate agent stopped him and say: "I'm sorry sir. We only allow one carrion per passenger."
Posted by: Carti

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Jul 04 2011 05:50 AM

Why should you never stand in line behind Satan in the queue at the Post Office?

Because the devil takes many forms.
Posted by: ren33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jul 07 2011 02:20 PM

Two Paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'
Posted by: ren33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Jul 09 2011 07:25 AM

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!',and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer dead and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner....

'I think my missus caught a glimpse.....
Posted by: ren33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jul 24 2011 07:17 AM

Glasgow ned strutting down the street with his brand new white trainers on with only one lace tied. His mate says, "Here ya dobber, one a ya laces is undone."
"Away wi' ya! Yo'only ment tae hiv one tied cos the sticker on the sole sais 'Taiwan'!"
Posted by: mehaul

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Jul 28 2011 11:12 AM

The new Australian survival film about an ex-cop who messes up the Norse god Thor's dwelling in Asgard: "Mad Max, Beyond Thunderhome"

The tale of a Southern belle who got fed up with the fowl(sic) drawl her parrot was using, an avian friend who continually pawned family heirlooms and who she then put into the freezer so she wouldn't have to hear it anymore: "To Chill a Hockingbird"

The epic about a man's bird's lice that he killed by spitting tobacco juice on them: "One Chew Onto the Cuckoo's Pest"
Posted by: mayneeyak

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Jul 29 2011 12:19 AM

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Hellifino...



Have you ever heard of the grocery store called Loblaw's?

My cousin Bob works there so I call him BobLoblaw. (lol say it fast)



A man and his dog walk into a talent agency.

"So what is special about your dog mister?", asks the talent seeker.

The man answers, "Just you watch! He will amaze you because he can talk."

As the talent agent watches, the man begins asking the dog questions.

"Hey Rover, how does sandpaper feel to you?"

"Rruff!" says the dog.

The agent rolls his eyes.

The man continues, "Hey Rover, what is the top of a house called?"

"RRroof!", answers the dog.

"This better get better quick" exclaims the agent.

"OK OK", says the man excitedly, "This will convince you of his brilliance.

The dog owner looks the dog straight in the eye and seriously queries, "Rover? Think hard on this one. In your opinion, who is the best man to ever have played baseball?"

Rover responds perfectly with the answer, "Rrruuth!"

"GET OUT" yells the agent. "That's the hokiest dog trick ever. He's got no talent so beat it!"

As the man and Rover are walking down the street, Rover looks up at the very dejected man and says, "I'm sorry I screwed up boss. Do you think I should have said Joe DiMaggio?"
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Aug 04 2011 08:34 AM

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Aug 04 2011 05:36 PM

Surdoux,

That is terrible! (But very funny. smile )
Posted by: ren33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Aug 04 2011 07:05 PM

Haha!!! Hilarious!
Posted by: ren33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Aug 06 2011 04:50 PM

Courtesy of Tommy Cooper:

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Really, ..." says
Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When
I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one
cheaper off the web.

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a
bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'
Posted by: MaggieG

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Aug 12 2011 11:00 AM

Very funny! grin
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Aug 24 2011 08:27 AM

I've just been caught in a tidal wave of tonic water.
I nearly got schwepped away
Posted by: darksplash

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Aug 24 2011 03:16 PM

Then there was the cowboy who went into a German car showroom to buy a German car (well what else would he buy?)
The salesman said "Hello"
And the cowboy said"Audi".

(with apologies to Tommy Cooper)
Posted by: anushka

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Sep 09 2011 12:15 AM

Q. What do you call a girl without legs?
A:........
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Nov 14 2011 03:39 PM

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Frenchman, a German, a Pole, a Croat, a Serbian, a Russian, a Swede, a Dane, an Italian, a Turk, a Cypriot, a Saudi and an Australian went to a bar.

The bouncer said, “I’m sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.”
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Nov 30 2011 01:15 PM

Following a particularly bad storm,a guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too. "Oh no!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!"
Posted by: pollucci19

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Dec 31 2011 12:50 PM

Q. What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

A. Douglas
Posted by: mehaul

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Jan 01 2012 05:46 PM

Is nake the present tense form of naked?
Posted by: Tori_2s

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Feb 02 2012 10:08 PM

Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

A: They didn't say anything but just waved!
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Feb 19 2012 10:05 AM

I was in a pub quiz the other day and my team, along with another, tied for first place. For the 'tie-breaker' we were asked one question, and the first person to shout the correct answer won it for their team. The question was as follows.

'In Paradise Lost, by John Milton, what was the Capital City of Hell?'

No-one from either team knew the answer so both teams started shouting loudly and waving their arms in frustration at the question being too hard. Things got a bit heated and a fight broke out between one team captain and the quiz master.

It was pandemonium.
Posted by: har28low

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Feb 20 2012 01:18 AM

Q.What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

A.Douglas.

Q.Did you hear about the baby seal that walked into a club?...

Q.What do you call two naked men in front of a window?

A.Curtain Rod(Kurt and Rod).
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Feb 24 2012 04:56 AM

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got his pocket picked.
How could anyone stoop so low?
Posted by: mehaul

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Feb 24 2012 07:51 AM

A brass bell and an old sock walk into a bar, The tender, a nice salad, asked what they'd like. After taking their order, the salad told them there was a nice view out the side window and the padded chairs would make them comfortable. They acquiesced and moved, the sock leading the way. The tender, salad, said he'd have the waitress, sauce, bring over their drinks. After they sat and took in the panorama out the window, sauce came over with their drinks. "Who had the Rye and Ginger and who had the Bloody Mary?" Bell said, "The Rye is mine" and sauce placed the drink before him. As she turned to set the Bloody Mary before sock, her ankle twisted in a most unusual way, almost as if she had been sampling the housewares herself. It can be said the drink went all over sock and quickly penetrated his weave. Being an old sock, that sort of thing is what happens. Sauce was embarassed and ran off. Bell brassly said, "I get something to clean you up and have the salad get you another drink." Bell went to the bar and asked salad to make things square and inquired what he would do about it to which salad replied, "Time to lay off the sauce I guess!"

edit: the names have been changed to protect the innocent and the name of the bar where this occurred will never be revealed or recalved or repigletted, take your pick.
Posted by: MikeMaster99

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Feb 24 2012 02:38 PM

Charles Dickens went into a bar and ordered a martini. The barman asked "olive or twist?"
Posted by: leith90

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Feb 24 2012 03:34 PM

Originally Posted By: MikeMaster99
Charles Dickens went into a bar and ordered a martini. The barman asked "olive or twist?"


Ah hah! have you been reading my profile page? I love that quote so much I've had it on there since before there was hair.
Posted by: MikeMaster99

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Feb 24 2012 07:48 PM

A neutron went into a bar and ordered a beer. "How much do I owe you?" The barman replied "For you, no charge"
Posted by: mehaul

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Mar 11 2012 10:57 PM

We could save a bunch on cooling bills if we could just get the following to reveal their growing strategies:
Noses grow cold
Trails grow cold
Friendships grow cold, no wait, that's old for the good ones
Anyway, strap noses and trails down and waterboard them 'til they give up their secrets then harvest our cold crops for cooling.
Posted by: har28low

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Mar 12 2012 12:47 AM

Why is sand wet?
Sea Weed.

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes

Why did the frog cross the road?
To see his flat-mates.
Posted by: darksplash

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Mar 15 2012 05:06 PM

Why did the one-eyed chicken cross the road?

Because it saw a Bird's Eye shop.
Posted by: MikeMaster99

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Thu Mar 15 2012 09:10 PM

I'm still laughing at Surdoux's joke about the Omega 3!!

Reminds me of a British radio show (BBC I'm sure) that dad listened to and loved when I was a kid growing up in Oz. Dad was a 10 pound Pom after WW2. It had Frank Muir and Denis Norden. Think it was called 'My Word'? At the conclusion of the show there was a story that ended up with an appalling pun on a sentence one of them had been given earlier.

I still remember "You can't have your cake and eat it too" being turned into "You can't have your kayak and heat it too". Brilliant show - perhaps partly to blame for my lifelong love of puns and groan-inducing jokes.
Posted by: ASA

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Mar 17 2012 02:17 AM

The one I remember from my word is

My Bee loves me because I'm a landowner - from maybe because I am a Londoner
Posted by: TabbyTom

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sat Mar 17 2012 07:38 AM

Anyone whose appetite is whetted by these puns may be able to find a few more if they can get hold of any of the books published by Eyre Methuen in the 1970s, which collected about a hundred of them. The titles were “You Can't Have Your Kayak And Heat It”, “Upon My Word!”, “Take My Word For It” and “Oh, My Word!”. I think there may have been one or two more published later. To appreciate them properly, you need to read (or preferably hear) the ingenious shaggy-dog stories that lead up to them.
Posted by: mountaingoat

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 20 2012 04:04 PM

Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic. Lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Posted by: MikeMaster99

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 20 2012 07:42 PM

I agree totally, TabbyTom. The stories leading up to the final punchline were highly entertaining. I know I, and presumably others, was always thinking as I was listening about how this amusing tale would end up with that final punchline. So clever! I'll certainly have to find those books.
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 20 2012 07:48 PM

I recall a similar radio show from the late 60s or early 70s and one skit in particular where the contestant/guest had to do a pun on the word 'Eureka'. I have forgotten a lot of the joke, but it involved Archimedes and an E-type Jaguar. The punchline went something like 'Your-E-car, I have found it!'
Posted by: ren33

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 20 2012 08:14 PM

Great one, Mountain goat, thats what I call a joke.
Posted by: tezza1551

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Mar 21 2012 06:49 AM

And just to add to Mountain Goat's effort..
the dyslexic devil worshipper who renounced dog and sold his soul to Santa !
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Mar 21 2012 07:07 AM

And the 'sequel' is just as bad/good. smile

I love a good groaner!
Posted by: darksplash

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Mar 21 2012 02:42 PM

Not a joke, but a true story:
When I renewed my household insurance a few years ago, the broker said that along with the usual exclusions I was not covered for any accidental damage caused by my canine companion.
You've guessed it, not only was I not covered for Act of God, I wasn't covered for Act of Dog.
Posted by: mountaingoat

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Wed Mar 21 2012 05:48 PM

I bow to the great tezza.
Posted by: ASA

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Fri Mar 23 2012 09:51 PM

DNA - National Dyslexic Association
Posted by: darksplash

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Mar 25 2012 03:15 PM

What's yellow, lives in a tree, and is very, very dangerous?
A canary with a machine gun.
Posted by: mountaingoat

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Sun Mar 25 2012 10:32 PM

Why do farts smell? For the benefit of deaf people.
Posted by: Sunshine922

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Mon Mar 26 2012 08:02 AM

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with Casper?

A. Bamboo
Posted by: mountaingoat

Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! - Tue Mar 27 2012 05:43 PM

Stevie Wonder picked up a cheese grater and later said it was the most violent book he had ever read.