Puns for the educated....

Posted by: ren33

Puns for the educated.... - Thu Aug 30 2012 04:54 AM

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of
the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are."

---------------------

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

---------------------

3.. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

---------------------

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,
and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

----------------------

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted
on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

----------------------

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove
that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

-----------------------

7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye
and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Aug 30 2012 05:21 AM

Love them! smile
Posted by: MikeMaster99

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Aug 30 2012 05:33 AM

More please, Ren! The longer ones remind me of 'My Word'. The more excruciating, the better - I love the Pythagorean one!
Posted by: WesleyCrusher

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Aug 30 2012 06:17 AM

They're "think twice" puns, but that just makes them better. More if you have them!
Posted by: rossian

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Aug 30 2012 07:08 AM

I can't remember the name of the show (I'm sure someone will come up with it) but they remind me of a radio show with Dennis Norden and Frank Muir. They came up with some convoluted story which ended with a pun on a well known saying or song. I enjoyed those, Ren.
Posted by: ren33

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Aug 30 2012 07:20 AM

Yes Rossian, that was "My Word" (Scroll up 2 to Mike's post!)A Brilliant show. These were sent to me by an Australian friend. If she has any more I will post them!
In the meantime, folks, try and find a copy of:
The Utterly Ultimate My Word by
Denis Norden and Frank Muir.
Lots of Pun stories in there
Posted by: Mariamir

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Aug 30 2012 10:44 PM

Awesome! And I actually got them all. :-P

Here's another person asking for more!
Posted by: tezza1551

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Aug 31 2012 06:17 AM

More please smile
Posted by: kaddarsgirl

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Aug 31 2012 01:11 PM

Originally Posted By: ren33
6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove
that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).


This one cracked me up.
Posted by: rossian

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Aug 31 2012 01:53 PM

'My Word' - of course. Sorry for not noticing your post, Mike.

I've found this link:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/myword/

I've copied and pasted the following gem from the website for anyone who can't access it:

'So you want to know where Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious comes from? Why, it's just a shopping list, including a remedy for someone with bad breath: "Soup, a cauli, fridge-elastic, eggs, pea - halitosis!"'
Posted by: tezza1551

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Aug 31 2012 08:08 PM

Damn, I always thought it was to do with Ghandi.
You know, he walked everywhere barefoot;he was somewhat emaciated because of his extreme vegetarian diet; a very spiritual man & he suffered from very bad breath...
which of course made him a super calloused fragile mystic, with extreme halitosis !
Posted by: ren33

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Aug 31 2012 08:27 PM

Lol! Was that yours Tezza?
Posted by: tezza1551

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Sep 01 2012 12:33 AM

I wish, Ren. Heard it ages ago and rated it right up there with the artichoke pun...which I will spare you from, as it is equally as bad !
Posted by: MikeMaster99

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Sep 01 2012 01:55 AM

You simply can't do that Tezza!! You are now morally obliged to recount the artichoke pun for our collective groans of appreciation :-)
Loved both of the 'super' puns.
Posted by: tezza1551

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Sep 01 2012 03:57 AM

Well.... there was a small time crook named Artie, who one morning, decided to hold up the local supermarket. Rather than attract the attention of the security officer near the checkout, he found his way to the manager's office. Unfortunately, the manager had just been visited by his wife, and had only a few odd coins in a drawer.. 55 cents in all. Artie grabbed it, but was so annoyed by the paucity of the amount, he strangled the manager. Next, he found his way to the assistant manager, who, having been visited by his teenage daughters, had even less than the manager - 45 cents ! Artie strangled him as well.
Next morning's headline read....





Artie chokes two for a dollar at Woolies !


I'm sorry.. really I am...
Posted by: Mariamir

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Sep 01 2012 04:08 AM

And now I can't decide if I'm laughing because of this REALLY BAD joke or because I'm listening to the Chipmunks' version of Fun's "We Are Young". :-P laugh laugh laugh *groan*
Posted by: MikeMaster99

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Sep 01 2012 04:15 AM

Well, I'm laughing and groaning at this one, Tezza. Very glad you shared it!
Posted by: rossian

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Sep 01 2012 06:16 AM

I can also recommend Simon Drew for those who like this kind of joke. He does a lot of visual puns. I treat myself to one of his calendars every year as they brighten up the start of each new month.

Thanks for sharing the artichoke joke, Tezza. Any more anyone?
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sun Sep 02 2012 05:26 AM

As some of you (might) know, I'm a bit of a punaholic - hey, they're cheaper than scotch and certainly less depressing lol - so I've enjoyed all the ones posted so far. Unfortunately, many of my favourite long puns are not fit for family consumption, but here's one that's fairly "pc":

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Posted by: tezza1551

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sun Sep 02 2012 07:45 AM

Then of course there was the man who entered the bar.. and after he got his drink, he heard a small voice say "nice tie".. Another small voice chimed in "yes, and that haircut really suits you".
He looked to see where the voices were coming from, and noticed they seemed to originate from a bowl of cashews near his glass.
He called the barman and explained what had been said.
"Oh" said the barman "that's easy to explain..

the nuts are complimentary"....
Posted by: SOTHC

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon Sep 10 2012 02:44 AM

Our local undertakers were selling off one of their old vehicles, so I bought it as a present for my wife as she needed a roomy vehicle to take all her luggage when she went to stay with her sister in Sidmouth in Devon. She had to park it in the street so she found a suitable place, got out and locked it and went to meet her sister. She got back to find it had been towed away as she hadn't realised that there was a local bylaw that said "You cannot lock a gift hearse in Sidmouth"
Posted by: ren33

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon Sep 10 2012 06:32 AM

argh!!
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon Sep 10 2012 06:47 AM

The worse they get, the better I like them, and the latest bunch are awful!


Keep up the bad work, everyone.
Posted by: Mariamir

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon Sep 10 2012 07:12 AM

Okay, here are some.

Sir Lancelot went to the hall where the Round Table was. He saw a very fat knight sitting there. "Who's he? How did he get to be that size? He is a disgrace to our order!" Lancelot muttered to King Arthur. Arthur replied, "That's Sir Cumference. Rumor has it he's been eating too much pie."

Two politicians are running for presidency. When one won, the other said, "I've lost my election."
"You sure?"
"I'm positive."

Two missionaries went to an island inhabited by cannibals, and were caught. After eating one, the cannibals felt ill, and released the other. One taste of religion was enough.

Two Eskimos were out in their kayak when they began to feel very cold. To keep from freezing, they lit a fire. As a result, the kayak sank. Of course, you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Finally, in my attempt at puns, I sent ten puns to my friends to see if they made them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon Sep 10 2012 07:18 AM

Originally Posted By: Mariamir


Finally, in my attempt at puns, I sent ten puns to my friends to see if they made them laugh. No pun in ten did.


Awesome! smile
Posted by: James25

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon Sep 10 2012 07:58 AM

Here's some I liked:

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Sep 12 2012 04:06 AM

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Everyone liked to buy flowers from these men of God, but a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

She asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. She went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored her.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Posted by: ren33

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Sep 12 2012 07:09 AM

Oh Crumbs Jakeroo, where DO you get them from?!!!
Posted by: dippo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Sep 12 2012 07:35 AM

There was a man in England who was considered by all to be the world's foremost authority on tea. One day he was chatting with a friend of his who had just returned from a trip to Australia. This friend told him that he had heard of a tea brewed in a small town in the Outback named Mercy. The connoisseur scoffed at him, stating that no tea came out of the Outback, because there was no way to grow it.
"Oh, it doesn't come from leaves," remarked his friend, "they brew it from Koala fur."
This so intrigued the expert that he booked a flight to Australia the next day. After his arrival, he hired a guide to take him deep into the Outback to the town of Mercy. Once in town, he found the only pub, and ordered a cup of the mysterious beverage.
The cup was placed before him. He spent many moments noting the colour, the aroma, and the viscosity. He took a small sip. It was good! He then followed with a big mouthful, and was suddenly gagging and spitting, clutching at his mouth.
"What is this?" he exclaimed, holding up a handful of what appeared to be short, coarse threads.
"Oh, that's Koala fur," replied the bartender.
"You mean to tell me that you don't strain out the fur?" asked the expert, incredulous.
"Of course not," replied the bartender, "The Koala tea of Mercy is not strained!"
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Sep 12 2012 07:56 AM

Ren: I collect them. The other two things I collect are dust and wrinkles : )

Dippo: classic!
Posted by: kaddarsgirl

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Sep 12 2012 08:09 AM

Originally Posted By: dippo
There was a man in England who was considered by all to be the world's foremost authority on tea. One day he was chatting with a friend of his who had just returned from a trip to Australia. This friend told him that he had heard of a tea brewed in a small town in the Outback named Mercy. The connoisseur scoffed at him, stating that no tea came out of the Outback, because there was no way to grow it.
"Oh, it doesn't come from leaves," remarked his friend, "they brew it from Koala fur."
This so intrigued the expert that he booked a flight to Australia the next day. After his arrival, he hired a guide to take him deep into the Outback to the town of Mercy. Once in town, he found the only pub, and ordered a cup of the mysterious beverage.
The cup was placed before him. He spent many moments noting the colour, the aroma, and the viscosity. He took a small sip. It was good! He then followed with a big mouthful, and was suddenly gagging and spitting, clutching at his mouth.
"What is this?" he exclaimed, holding up a handful of what appeared to be short, coarse threads.
"Oh, that's Koala fur," replied the bartender.
"You mean to tell me that you don't strain out the fur?" asked the expert, incredulous.
"Of course not," replied the bartender, "The Koala tea of Mercy is not strained!"


Took me two reads of the punch line to get this one. Quality! hahaha
Posted by: ren33

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon Oct 01 2012 07:32 AM

There was a painter who used to cheat by thinning paint to make it go
further. For some time he got away with this. Then came the day that the
local church needed painting. He put in a bid and, because his price was
so low, he got the job. So he set up his scaffolding, bought the paint
and thinned it down.
A week later, as he was nearly finished painting the church, there was a
horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, the rain poured down, and
the thinned paint ran everywhere down the walls into the churchyard. He
was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he got
on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin
no more!"
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon Oct 01 2012 04:26 PM

That's excellent ren!!!
____________________________________________________

Julius Caesar, Mark Anthony, and Brutus decided to go to a football match one Saturday. Roma was playing local rival Sparta for the All Holy Roman Empire Cup. So Caesar organized the tickets and they all agreed to meet at the stadium at 3 p.m., just in time for the kick off.

Saturday arrived and Caesar and Mark Anthony took their seats just as Roma kicked off. Brutus, however, was missing. Then, just before half time, in came Brutus looking a little flustered.

“My chariot lost a wheel on the way here,” explained Brutus. “It took nearly an hour to fix it.” So he sat down with the others as the teams came out for the second half.

“How’s Roma doing?” asked Brutus.

“Great!” replied Mark Anthony, “they have never played better.”

“So, what’s the score then?” Brutus inquired.

“8-2, Brutus,” replied Caesar.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by: Dave42007

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Oct 03 2012 06:10 PM

Thank you all, I haven't laughed so hard for ages.
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon Oct 15 2012 12:40 PM

There once was this man who was looking for a job. He applied for a bus driver's job at the county board of education. The head of the school board granted him an interview. During the interview the man was told there was only one bus driver job left, the one that drove the special education bus. The man said he would take the job but the school offical asked that he look at the bus first. They went outside down a row of yellow school buses and at the end was a small van with Sesame Street characters painted all over it. The man was a little reluctant at first but the offical told him all the kids would be at the bus stops and all he had to do was pick them up in the morning and take them home in the evening. The man needed the job badly so he took it.

The first day on the job he comes to the bus stop and there is a little girl standing there who is less than svelte. She gets on the bus and the driver says, "Hi! What's your name?" The girl replies, "My name is Patty" and takes a seat. He comes to the next stop and there is another little girl there who is larger than the first. She gets on the bus and the driver asks, "What your name?". She says "My name is Patty" then takes a seat by the first girl.

At the next stop there is a little boy standing there. When he gets on the bus he says, "Hi I'm Ross and I'm special."

At the next stop there is another little boy standing there and when asked his name he says, "Hi I'm Lester Cheatum". Lester takes the seat behind the driver and pulls off his shoes. He starts picking the loose skin on his bunyons and throwing it at the driver.

This same scene happens every day for a week. On Friday the driver goes into the superintendent's office and say, "I quit! I can't take it anymore!"

When asked why the driver says, "Every day it's the same thing! Two obese Patty's, special Ross, Lester Cheatum picking bunyons on a Sesame Street bus".
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Oct 19 2012 09:28 PM

A young man in Sydney was having problems with his 1985 Datsun and took it along to the local Nissan dealer to look at. The mechanic called him later and said that there was a problem with the gearbox, and it needed a couple of new parts.

He also said that he had checked every spare parts place that he knew and that they did not have the particular gears available, and that he would have to order them from the head office, in Japan. The Spare Parts Manager in Tokyo told him that they were not going to send out just two parts all the way to Australia because it would not be cost-effective, and as the gearbox problem was a common one, that he was going to wait until he had a large order and send all the bits on the one plane.

A couple of weeks later he had enough orders to justify the expense and a cargo plane was despatched to Sydney. However, when the aircraft was over northern Australia, it was battered by turbulent weather and the cargo door fell off. The fuselage was in chaos as tons of cargo was sucked out the hole!

Meanwhile, thousands of feet below, George and Gladys were sitting on their front porch, admiring the sunset, and George turned to Gladys and said, “Look, dear! It’s raining Datsun cogs!”
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Nov 03 2012 12:29 PM

There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. This lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that, if moved, would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.

One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever!

Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that is was better Nate than lever.
Posted by: mehaul

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Nov 03 2012 01:09 PM

Very good! smile

But
Quote:
One day off in the distance

had me thinking that, in accordance with the way Canadians measure length between topological points (as in "I live two hours from there"), the boulder was one day's travel distance away. Plenty of time for Nate to dig up his old friend's Never's bones and deploy them as a barrier to change the boulder's course leaving a Spoonerism of better Never than Late. (Boo Boo Hiss)
Posted by: tjoebigham

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Tue Mar 19 2013 03:22 PM

In Gene Shalit's "Great Hollywood Wit", he tells of when Ethel Barrymore heard an actress known for profanity complain about a theatre's acoustics. Ethel's reply: "Now you can be obscene but not heard."

tjoeb};>
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Mar 29 2013 04:32 PM

Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
I nearly choked on my latte.

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mum said, "Just use a spoon, David. You're not a Jedi."

My grandfather fought in the 1st World War and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He was classed as a seasoned veteran.

I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'
I thought, "That's just spam."
Posted by: underscored

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Mar 30 2013 01:04 AM

Three seals walk into a bar and the barman says to them
"what would you three like to drink"
the reply "anything but a Canadian Club thanks"
Posted by: underscored

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Mar 30 2013 01:06 AM

Okay in the moniker tjoebigham does any one else see toejam in that or is that just me?
Posted by: underscored

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Mar 30 2013 01:17 AM

very funny kaddersgirl it really is
Posted by: underscored

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Mar 30 2013 01:28 AM

Okay there was a king of a tribe who went to visit the king of another tribe - there was great celebrating and a three day banquet.
Opon his leave
the visiting king gave the home king a special present.
The present was a throne.
The king who threw the party did not want to be rude, as he
already had a throne,
accepted the gift, and placed it on the second floor of his
palatial grass hut, right above the spot where hois first throne was - and this is where
he was sitting when the second throne fell through the grass floor and killed him.
The moral of the story being
people in grass houses should not stow thrones.
Posted by: underscored

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Mar 30 2013 12:25 PM

Thorry I must be a bit Thick -- I just do not get the
Brutus and Mark Antony one i.e. 8-2. I get every other one blush
Posted by: kaddarsgirl

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Mar 30 2013 12:47 PM

Originally Posted By: underscored
Thorry I must be a bit Thick -- I just do not get the
Brutus and Mark Antony one i.e. 8-2. I get every other one blush


The pun is on "Et tu, Brute?" from Julius Caesar.
Posted by: remote9

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Tue Apr 02 2013 12:59 AM

Please, some more.
Posted by: ren33

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Tue Apr 02 2013 03:42 AM

A Blonde Story
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already '"the startled husband asked.
Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!"
Posted by: paul4760

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon Apr 15 2013 07:37 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Apr 27 2013 06:17 AM

A botanist was trying to research some details about a particular kind of fern, so he sent a request to all his collegues, asking them to send him any information they had about it.

Unfortunately, he didn't word his request very well, and all the botanists he'd contacted thought he was looking for details about any ferns, rather than just the one species. So within just a few hours of sending it out, his fax machine was buzzing with piles of useless documents about all kinds of ferns - there were tree ferns and wood ferns, ostrich ferns and cinnamon ferns... but very few about the particular type he wanted.

So he sent another message to everyone:

If it ain't bracken, don't fax it.
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Apr 27 2013 11:40 AM

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
Posted by: remote9

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sun Apr 28 2013 12:17 AM

Originally Posted By: Jakeroo
A botanist was trying to research some details about a particular kind of fern, so he sent a request to all his collegues, asking them to send him any information they had about it.

Unfortunately, he didn't word his request very well, and all the botanists he'd contacted thought he was looking for details about any ferns, rather than just the one species. So within just a few hours of sending it out, his fax machine was buzzing with piles of useless documents about all kinds of ferns - there were tree ferns and wood ferns, ostrich ferns and cinnamon ferns... but very few about the particular type he wanted.

So he sent another message to everyone:

If it ain't bracken, don't fax it.


Hee hee hee.
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sun May 05 2013 11:22 PM

Good one Surdoux!
------------------------------

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts - Hattie and Sophia - who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, "Big Bill" was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.

Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. But when they had heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.

In fact, even to this very day, their acheivements are remembered as the remarkable Pie rates of Penn's aunts.
Posted by: ren33

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon May 06 2013 01:39 AM

Arrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!! Oh That is awful!!!
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon May 06 2013 12:28 PM


At last, I've found the reason that women ask so many questions.

They have an extra why chromosome.
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon May 06 2013 12:32 PM

A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours. He is about to die. Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand, he comes to three market stalls. The man (half-thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands, "I need water, sell me some water."
"Sorry, Sir," replies the stall owner, "I only sell custard."
The man, visibly taken aback, goes up to the second stall and again asks for water.
"I'm afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream," replies the second stall owner.
The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs, "please, I need water now or I'll die."
"Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands," replies the final stall owner.
His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands, "You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?"
"I know, Sir," says the first stall owner, "it's a trifle bazaar."
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon May 06 2013 03:33 PM

Why thanks Ren, but I think Surdoux's really um.. takes the cake re: the groan factor lol
Posted by: ren33

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon May 06 2013 05:38 PM

Yes I agree. It's worse if that were possible!
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Tue May 07 2013 04:03 AM

I've got some REALLY bad ones:-

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
"It's raining, of course," Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."

To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Posted by: MikeMaster99

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Tue May 07 2013 07:19 AM

Wonderfully bad, Surdoux! Please keep them coming...
Posted by: ren33

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Tue May 07 2013 07:49 AM

Originally Posted By: MikeMaster99
Wonderfully bad, Surdoux! Please keep them coming...

Argh! Don't encourage him!
Posted by: dippo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Tue May 07 2013 08:01 AM

There was a mad scientist, who developed a way of making bottle nosed dolphins live forever. The problem was, they had to be fed a diet of nothing but dead mynah birds.

Being a mad scientist, he couldn't exactly get them on the open market, so he stole the birds from the local zoo.

One night, he was at the zoo making his regular "visit". As he was leaving with his bag of mynahs, he saw a lion, sleeping in the doorway he had to pass to leave.

Carefully and quietly, he stepped over the lion, reached the outside, and was immediately arrested. The police charged him with:

"Transporting mynahs across a staid lion for immortal porpoises"
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Tue May 07 2013 08:14 AM

Edward Deidde, the man who spent his entire life explaining that his surname was "deed" has collapsed.

He was airlifted to hospital where he was pronounced dead
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed May 15 2013 05:15 PM

good ones dippo and surdoux!
__________________________________________________

It's little known that William Shakespeare, as well as writing, also enjoyed a good game of rubgy in his spare time.

So, the team is assembled for practice one Saturday afternoon. It is the middle of winter, and even for England, it is cold and wet. The pitch is a muddy swamp, and the players decide that they simply can't play in these conditions. So they go to the club-house for a bit, but they very quickly get bored. And then one of the players has a bright idea: Why don't we all go over to William's house? William Shakespeare is doubtful, but they persuade him, and pretty soon, the whole squad is relaxing in his living room.

Well, they're rugby players, and true to the stereotype, they all quickly get drunk, and of course, they come up with the even better idea - of having their rugby practice in the house. William has also been drinking, so he's easy to persuade this time, and after moving some furniture out of the way, they get down to the serious business of practicing their sport.

Meanwhile, not far away, the King has just had a great idea for a play, and dispatches a messenger to summon his favorite playwright. The messenger arrives at the house, and he can hear this enormous commotion from inside, with shouting and crashes, and he thinks that William Shakespeare must be getting attacked. He braces himself, and crashes through the front door... and lands directly in the path of two groups of large hairy rugby players.

The messenger is pinned to the floor for a while, and he can't move. He does manage to free himself momentarily, before getting trapped again, up against a wall. Finally, he escapes, and returns to the palace as quickly as his mangled body will allow.

The king takes one look at him, and gasps. "What happened to you?" he asks.
"I think," said the messenger, "that I got caught between a ruck and a bard's place."
Posted by: ozzz2002

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed May 15 2013 09:17 PM

Jakeroo, that is awful! smile

(PS- got any more?)
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu May 16 2013 03:46 PM

The wife asked, "What's a comet?"

I said, "It's a star with a tail."

She said, "Can you name one then?"

I said, "Lassie."
Posted by: dippo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu May 16 2013 04:09 PM

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu May 16 2013 11:53 PM

LOL you two!
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu May 16 2013 11:55 PM

ozzzz, you must be a glutton for punishment lol. Here you go...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch-over 20 minutes-where the bass violins don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sneak out of the orchestra and go across the street to the tavern. The other bass players agreed that this was a splendid idea, and a few minutes later, the basses were in the bar, knocking back drinks at a prodigious rate.

This went on for some time, with all the bass players becoming rather inebriated. One of them happened to look down at his watch and exclaimed, "We'd better get back to our seats or we're going to miss our cue!"

"Relax," said the section leader, "I've got it all taken care of. You see, before the performance started tonight I anticipated this problem, so I took a piece of string and I tied the conductor's score shut. He won't be able to turn the pages when he gets to that part. He'll have to stop the orchestra for a few minutes so he can get it untied. We'll have plenty of time!"

The other bass players praised his inventiveness with one final round of drinks. Then they made their way back across the street to the concert hall, and staggered drunkenly to their seats.

Sure enough, about this time the conductor started to have trouble with his score. He tried to fidget with it, hoping he could solve the problem without having to stop the performance. Unfortunately, he couldn't get the pages to turn, and at last he had to stop the orchestra and spend a few minutes untying the string that held the last section of the score bound. The conductor was clearly annoyed and more than a little frazzled.

This, of course, did not go unnoticed by the audience. One woman in the crowd remarked to her husband, "That conductor looks upset and rather nervous."

"Of course he's nervous," the husband replied. "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri May 17 2013 03:04 PM

A good friend of mine has just gone off to work for the tourist board on a tropical island.

She sells Seychelles by the sea shore.
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Jun 08 2013 04:16 PM

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger".
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Jun 08 2013 04:18 PM

The Mole Family

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
' Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine,
'Geez, all I can smell is....


MOLASSES!'
Posted by: MikeMaster99

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sat Jun 08 2013 07:51 PM

As always, am loving these. Jakeroo, that was truly special. The long build up leading to the truly dreadful pun. Brilliant!!
Posted by: Lones78

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon Jun 10 2013 11:30 PM

Zippo - I'm sure there is still a little bit of my chicken stir-fry on my screen after reading those last two! smile
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Jun 12 2013 10:29 PM

Have you ever "snorted" a laugh and pepsi came out your nose? It's quite painful, but zippo's jokes could be termed 'worth it' lol.

Mike: thanks. I can't claim authorship, but I was actually "going for" dreadful. You made my day : )))

and here's something perhaps not equally dreadful..
__________________________________________-

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost decended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.

"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.

Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.

Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.

He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence: ......

"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."
Posted by: MikeMaster99

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Jun 12 2013 11:49 PM

ohhhh - the spectre of such illumination should be front page news!

Please Sir/Miss, could I have some more
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Jun 13 2013 02:08 AM

Mr and Mrs Noose and their son Norbert, lived in a cottage in the woods.

One morning, Mr Noose popped out to buy a newspaper and croissants for breakfast, but he disappeared, never to return.

The next morning, Mrs Noose checked the cupboards and realised that she just had to go food shopping. She instructed Norbert to stay indoors, collected her basket and set off to the shops. She never returned.

Three days later, a starving Norbert emptied his piggy bank and set off to the shops to buy some food. He was never seen again.

That is the end of the Noose, here is the weather forecast.
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Jun 13 2013 02:32 AM

Hartley Hare was a mischievous chap, he liked nothing more than sneaking up behind fairies in the woods and tugging them off their toadstools by their wings. The fairies hated it and kept complaining to the King of the Fairies.

Hartley had one particularly good day and had just tweaked the wings of his fifth fairy when *CRASH, BANG, WALLOP* he found himself in front of the King of the Fairies. Hartley Hare hung his head in shame as his list of misdeeds was read out to him. He was warned as to his future behaviour and told that there would be dire consequences, should he persist. A penitent Hartley Hare was returned to the woods.

Although he tried very hard to be good, Hartley Hare found one particular pair of dangly, glittery wings totally irresistible. He tiptoed up behind the fairy and gave a sharp tug and *CRASH, BANG, WALLOP* he was back in front of the King of the Fairies. Hartley knew that he was in big trouble and waited to hear his fate.

The King was totally incensed at the callous attitude of Hartley Hare and decided that the situation must be dealt with in a way that would show that such disrespect towards fairy-kind would not be tolerated. His decision was that Hartley Hare would be transformed into the lowest of the low, a Goon. The King of the Fairies told Hartley Hare that the transformation would take place sometime during the following day, to give him chance to get his affairs into order. Hartley Hare was then returned to the woods.

Hartley Hare wandered off down the woodland path feeling so sorry for himself. He shook his head in a sad way and was heard to mutter under his breath, "Hare today, Goon tomorrow".
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Jun 13 2013 02:53 AM

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Jun 13 2013 02:56 AM

Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims by playing classical music that they would gladly offer themselves up to be his next meal just to get away from it?

His Bach was worse than his bite.
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Jun 13 2013 03:16 AM

A Shetland pony trots into a chemist and asks for some Strepsils.

Chemist asks: "Are you a little hoarse?"
Posted by: ren33

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Jun 13 2013 06:48 AM

Now, you know, OLDER people will remember the adverts with the picture of a toothy cartoon horse.
"Hoarse? Go suck a Zube"
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Jun 13 2013 10:01 AM

Driving past a jail, I saw a very small prisoner climbing down a wall.
He turned and sneered at me, I thought "That's a little condescending"
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Jun 14 2013 02:07 AM

Two fishermen were in a boat by the lake, when one of them stood to catch a fish in a net. As he scooped up the carp, his wallet fell out of his back pocket. As the seemingly doomed wallet started to sink to the lake bottom, the carp slipped out of the net and swam after it, re-emerging with it on his nose.

However, instead of returning it, he tossed it to one of his fish buddies, who balanced it on his nose. More of more of fish-buddies emerged from the water and all of them played this strange game of keep-away with the man’s wallet. The first man watched, slack jawed. He said to the other “Have you ever seen anything like this before?”

The second man answered “Sure I have. Haven’t you heard of carp-to-carp walleting?”
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Jun 14 2013 02:08 AM

Did you hear they found a narcissistic male lion whose females had turned on him?

Turns out it was his pride that did him in.
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Jun 14 2013 03:19 AM

A doctor at a busy hospital always used to stop off at the local staff pub on the way back for a beverage, more precisely a hazelnut daiquiri.

The landlord would always have the drink ready and waiting for when the doctor walked in. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the landlord was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut syrup. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory syrup instead and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "Are you sure this is a hazelnut daiquiri?"

"No," replied the landlord,

...






"It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
Posted by: TCEB

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Jun 14 2013 08:17 AM

A very old one comes to mind...
The court jester was notorious for his appalling puns. So bad did they become that the king lost his temper and condemned the jester to death.

He was standing on the scaffold with the rope round his neck when a messenger arrived from the king. After cooling down, he had decided to reprieve the errant jester on the condition that he never made a bad pun again.

The jester was so relieved that he exclaimed "Ah well, no noose is good noose!".

So they hanged him.
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon Jun 17 2013 10:13 PM

Zippo: you're on a roll! (it's looking rather squashed at the moment lol). Yes, I know, crumby joke - but you put forward some great ones up there!

TCEB: loved yours too!
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:05 AM

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I've been carrying. I'm ex-static!
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:08 AM

A while back, there were two kingdoms situated close by each other. One kingdom had a powerful king and the other had a relatively weak king. The difference, or so everybody said, was that the powerful king had a magic throne, which had the property of making people powerful.

Well, the weak king wanted this throne, so he had a trusted count get up an army (you know, knights, pages, reporters, that kind of thing) to fetch it. The army trudged along for a day or two (only the reporters would know for sure) and came upon the powerful king's castle.

The castle entrance was guarded by a huge yellow monster with huge yellow hands. The army (being an army and all) attacked!

The huge Yellow Monster ate them all, except for two pages who did not engage in the fight. The pages, being very young and frightened, hid until nightfall.

When night came along, the pages peeked from their hiding place and saw that the monster was asleep. The only thing guarding the entrance now was the monsters huge hands draped in front of the opening. The pages, being only 8 years old and small, were able to squeeze through the yellow fingers and gain entrance into the castle.

Moral: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:11 AM

Two guys were stranded on a desert island. The only way they could get food was to kill sea birds by throwing rocks at them. By the time they were rescued, ... They had left no tern unstoned.
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:12 AM

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but ,alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled

"You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"

"What for ?",the mad scientist asked.

And the answer was:

For making an obscene clone fall.
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:26 AM

190,000,000 years ago, at the beginning of the Jurassic period, cave children loved to hop onto the back of a friendly Stegosaurus, whose distinctive high-arched body reached twenty feet.

One day, to his parents' horror, a toddler leaped off a precipice, oblivious to the fact that, seconds before, the great beast below had lumbered off.

"Poor kid," said his father, shaking his head, "he hasn't got a Steg to land on."
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:28 AM

A Czechoslovakian hunter and his French partner were in the midst of a safari when they happened upon two hungry tigers, a fierce male and his mate. A furious battle ensued, in which the hunters were killed. After which, each tiger ate a hunter. Far off atop a hill, a shepherd had witnessed the whole battle. He ran home, grabbed his high powered assault rifle and returned to blow the tigers away. After descending the hill, he first cut open the female tiger, discovering the remains of the Frenchman inside.

"That settles it," said the shepherd, "The Czech's in the male."
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:33 AM

While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!" Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him! What is the moral of this story?

Better Nate than lever!
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:37 AM

When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he had trouble selling it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in different towns in order to drum up publicity. While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could see what he was doing at night.

This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation!
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Jun 26 2013 04:41 AM

The recent lock-out of the Major League umpires was making them all grumpy. After a tough day of walking the picket lines, one umpire returned home to find that his young boy wanted to play with him. As the tired umpire was sitting in his favourite easy chair, the lad kept trying to crawl onto his lap. The umpire snapped, yelled at the boy and he ran away crying.

This proves the old adage: The Son Never Sits on the Brutish Umpire.
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Jun 26 2013 05:35 AM

A German farmer with relatives in the US sent them a package consisting of some pork sausages made from his old pig. When they complained that the package had not yet arrived, he wrote: "Cheer up. The wurst is yet to come."
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Jun 26 2013 08:05 AM

Mr and Mrs Lion leave to go on a hunting trip. As usual they tell their two cubs to stay indoors and out of sight. Unfortunately the cubs were growing up and soon got bored. When they noticed a herd of wildebeest passing by, they decided to go have a spot of tracking practice. To their delighted surprise, they managed to catch two stragglers and settled down to enjoy the unexpected feast. Just as they finished licking to blood off of their whiskers, their parents appeared over the horizon. One cub turned to the other and said:

That is the end of the gnus and here are the head lions.
Posted by: vendome

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Tue Aug 27 2013 06:52 AM

Roy just purchased new shoes. He laid them on the floor and, during the night, one of the two family cats clawed and bit one of the shoes. His wife awoke the next morning, saw the damage, nudged Roy and asked: "Pardon me Roy. Is that the cat that chewed your new shoe?"

You have to be over 50 to 'get' this one.
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Tue Oct 08 2013 10:54 PM

Oh, now don't slot everyone into an "age" group - I'm sure there's a few younger folks among us who watch classic movie channels and might have caught "Sun Valley Serenade" starring Glenn Miller et al. That movie is worth watching just to see the Nicholas Brothers at work! (hmm, I feel a quiz coming on ...)

---------------
Anyneigh...

A farmer had a herd of talking horses. One day he goes to count the herd and notices one horse is missing. He asks the remaining horses what happened but none would say a word. This happened several more nights in a row, and the farmer was really getting frustrated that his horses would not tell him what was happening.

Finally, he told them that every time a horse wound up missing and they wouldn't talk, he'd weed out one horse at a time and send it to the Great Pasture in the Sky if it wouldn't fess up. This went on until finally the farmer had no more talking horses.

The moral of the story? You can weed a horse to slaughter, but you can't make him fink!

Posted by: romeomikegolf

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Oct 10 2013 06:18 AM

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
Posted by: JanIQ

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Oct 10 2013 11:47 AM

Unless you're all thumbs...
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Oct 11 2013 01:27 PM

lol! Puns are supposed to be deplorable, so RMG's response is perfect. And great riposte Jan!

And speaking of swordplay (since the pun is mightier than the sword):

definition of Passé: All those other sports you tried before fencing
Posted by: ASA

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Oct 11 2013 10:18 PM

Originally Posted By: Jakeroo


definition of Passé: All those other sports you tried before fencing



Touche'
Posted by: romeomikegolf

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Sun Oct 13 2013 04:25 AM

I dress up as a woman every night. It's a real drag.
Posted by: zippolover

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Fri Nov 08 2013 01:16 PM

So how do you think all of us real ladies feel?
Posted by: ren33

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Thu Dec 12 2013 06:42 AM


With apologies to non Brits under 45


A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his
cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless
like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never
thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the
situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how
would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How
would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying
to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the
cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon
back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?"
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it's worth it....trust me
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"That was Thora Hird."
Posted by: MadameGuvnor

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Mon Dec 30 2013 05:26 PM

There were 3 rabbits called Foot, Footfoot and Footfootfoot. They often wished they could go to the other side of the meadow where the grass was sweetest but it involved crossing a dangerous highway.

Anyway, Foot one day managed to talk the others into letting him try. So off he went to sample the delights of the sweet meadow. Unfortunately, Foot was hit by a car and killed.

The remaining rabbits were heartbroken and nothing more was said about crossing the pasture until a year later on the anniversary of Foot's death.

'I'd like to cross over to the other side of the meadow where the grass is sweetest just to see what it is like and to honour our ould friend' said Footfoot.

But Footfootfoot stopped him saying 'I can't let you do this, it's dangerous. We already have one foot in the grave'.
Posted by: underscored

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Apr 16 2014 03:53 PM

In the old days there lived a French Count,
an aristocrat who was the father of seven sons.
Now this family had a secret, the secret being
that hidden somewhere in the Counts kingdom,
was a fortune in gold-the secret to the
whereabouts of this gold was known only to
the Count and his sons.
All that the people of France knew was that
this fortune in gold existed, they had no idea
where it was hidden.
So the people grew angry, then desperate as they
wanted this gold - they seized the Count and subjected
him to all manner of questioning, all to no avail. They
killed him and seized the oldest son and repeated their
efforts to find out where this fortune in gold was
hidden. again their efforts were futile, so down the
line they went son after son was killed for not revealing
the hidden treasure - until with the very last son
who knew he might expire after days of questioning - he lent
his head back and opened his mouth to explain where the gold
was hidden-but the executioner zealous in the performance of
his duties - unaware that the young count had submitted bought
down the axe so the gold was then indeed lost.

The moral of this story is " don't hatchet your counts before they chicken,
Posted by: underscored

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Apr 16 2014 04:13 PM

You are too good Jackaroo laugh
Posted by: baldhair

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Aug 13 2014 09:27 AM

A man and his wife were walking through the shopping area of a small town one day
when they came to a pet shop. In the window was a really striking-looking cat, asleep
in a basket. A notice announced that it was an Amsterdam cat. And it really was a
beauty. The couple spent some time admiring the animal, and though they were both
cat-lovers, neither had heard of an Amsterdam cat. So they went into the shop and asked the proprietor:
"How Dutch is that moggie in the window?"
----------------------------------------------
In our village the cemetery is at the top of a steep hill. The funeral cortege wound its way up, and just as it was approaching the top, the back door of the hearse flew open and the coffin slid out, careened down the hill, rolling end over end and into the High Street, where it crashed through the door of the chemist's shop. As it slammed to a halt, the lid flew up and the corpse sat upright.
"Have you got something to stop this coffin?" it said.
Posted by: MikeMaster99

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Aug 13 2014 03:46 PM

Very large groan, baldhair.... which of course equates to 'excellent'!!!
Posted by: Jakeroo

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Aug 13 2014 05:12 PM

hah!. Liked the cat one.. and speaking of which..

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
Posted by: surdoux

Re: Puns for the educated.... - Wed Nov 12 2014 11:53 AM

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.