Red Alert... Trivia Quiz

Answer: A wading bird with red legs

Aligot is delicious. It's pureed potato with garlic, Cantal cheese, and other fattening things. Avoid any recipe that asks for Brie or Camembert or chives - or onions. Not real Aligot. Not a tribe, either. Nor was there an order of St Muiris, if he ever existed anyway (outside this quiz, that is), and I don't think any friars had yellow habits. Dirty habits, maybe, until they got them washed. Birdwatchers aren't keen on redshanks, because they're far too easily set off from a distance.

When this happens, up goes the whole lot.

Including the curlew sandpiper and the little stint you thought you'd spotted sitting there...

Answer: An edible fish

I can just see good ol' Red Mullet up there with his little beard and a big hat over his mullet hairdo... No, it really is a fish - known in the USA as goatfish. That drink would be a waste of good burgundy wine. Might be OK made with cheap plonk. Don't blame me if you try it...

Answer: A butterfly

Note I said IS. I suppose you could have had Red Admirals in the old Soviet navy, but I said Russian which ain't the same thing. Another disgusting sounding drink, but as I haven't tried either of them, you never know. The red admiral is Vanessa atalanta, and there aren't many admirals called Vanessa (in public, anyway).

The vanessids are the only butterflies that can see red. The colour, that is. So you will find them on red flowers that your cabbage whites can't see as being flowers. Isn't that interesting?

Answer: Both of these

Could be another Country singer... It's sort of like a kipper. And if you're organising a race for drag hounds where someone has gone ahead dragging a bag of aniseed to lay a trail of scent for them to follow, and then someone else had crossed the trail dragging a kipper - well, guess what? No, I'm not making this up.

It's only the wrong answers where I make up things. Yes, I know people don't usually go around dragging kippers (I don't, anyway) but if you wanted to spoil the race (or upset things so your dog won)...

It's a far better way of getting into the countryside with dogs than hunting foxes, deer or otters. There's not much that can be cured by smoking apart from bacon and herrings, and sometimes cheese and sausages. Give it up now.

Answer: Money folded inside red paper and given to younger unmarried relations at Chinese New Year

Now, not even Baloo could have invented that one! There were ships called packets, but not red ones. I've never heard of anyone doing that with chillies (bit like a rather strong bouquet garni) but it might well work. Don't blame me if you try it and don't like it. I accept no responsibility for your cooking. I don't even accept responsibility for mine, and I've got a certificate to prove it....

Answer: The House of Lancaster

Lancashire is still the Red Rose county. Queen Elizabeth II is the current Duke of Lancaster (NOT Duchess, by the way, she's a Duke). York had the White Rose. There weren't Houses of Chester and Manchester. The Earldom of Chester was attached to the son of the monarch (who was usually also the Prince of Wales) fairly early on, while the Dukes of Manchester are much more recent.

The Red Rose stands with two points down, while the White Rose stands with one point down. Unless they're upside down, that is...

Answer: A disease of cattle

It's caused by a nasty little protozoan that destroys the red cells and causes red urine to be passed. Red Pike does exist, but it's by Buttermere (and has Blaeberry Tarn sort of part way up - nice place to have your lunch on the way up the Pike after struggling round Sourmilk Gill. No sign of any berries though, and it's very black in colour). I say no more about Russians in California, but would refer you to my quiz on the history of that state... Sapphires are usually blue, and water applies to diamonds.

Interestingly, there's a film called 'Red Water' starring Lou Diamond Phillips. Well, he's in it, anyway. I've never seen it.

Answer: A mix of cheap red wine and meths

I don't mind cheap red wine, but I draw the line at meths. Don't get confused between meths (methylated spirits - usually tinted purple in the UK) and metheglin (spiced mead). Red biddy is also a name for a little (but rapidly growing in all directions) plant from New Zealand.

At least, that's what my mother always called it. I used to have it in a rockery until the campanulas overcame it. Campanulas aren't usually that aggressive... An old woman can be referred to as an 'auld biddy' but not if she's listening.

Some of them can be very fast on the swing with their handbags...

Answer: An edible fish

Yes, another fish. Couldn't really put butterfly for this one, although there are some with really weird names. Not much to add here, except that there are various species of it, and they're common on (well, off really) the Atlantic coast of America. If you want to see one, get your rod out - or go to a good fishmonger... Bits of them can also be found in little tins from Thailand.

Answer: Jupiter

It's a sort of stormy thing that's apparently been going on for hundreds of years at least. And WE complain about the weather... You can't really see Aldebaran except as a little dot of light. It might be polka dotted for all I know. Or tartan. And there ain't no such mountain in NSW. It's in Ruritania...

Answer: He had a red beard

Barba Rossa = red beard in Italian. No idea what stockings he wore - but whatever they were they don't matter. There was a later Barbarossa, who was really called Khair-ed-din (no relation to the well-known vegetarian Sal-ad-din), who was a pirate and admiral (ah, those were the days!) in the Ottoman Empire.

He captured Tunis for the Empire. (No, NOT the one where you find Jedi and strange robots!) Presumably he had a red beard too, which would be unusual for a Turk. Then again, he might have been from one of their subject peoples. Look him up.

He might be interesting. Red Noses occur regularly in the UK (not frequently - regularly). Give generously when they do. If you don't know what I'm on about, look up Red Nose Day.

Answer: A horse that won the Grand National three times

Trained by an originally red-haired trainer Ginger McCain, which has no relevance to the horse's name. It's also murder spelled backwards. Also irrelevant, I think. Maybe not, you never know with racehorse names. His stable was about a mile and a half from my house.

A very popular horse in the UK, but not with the bookmakers. Now buried at Aintree Racecourse (where the Grand National is run). Admiral Vernon's nickname was Old Grog, from the grogram (look it up) cloak he wore. Grog became the name of the watered rum ration served daily to British sailors, because he ordered it to be watered.

The rum and cranberry sounds better than the other drinks I've invented for this quiz. I like the idea of the custard thing too...

Answer: A nickname for the Red Ensign

Don't like moths. They probably don't like me, either. A dust devil is a windy thing, but the Red Duster is the proud flag of Britain's merchant navy. There are three flags (apart from the Union Jack - when it's on the jackstaff) to be found on British ships.

The White Ensign is flown by the Royal Navy and the Royal Yacht Squadron (whoever they are) (don't tell me). The Blue Ensign is flown by Royal Navy Auxiliary vessels (and with extra bits in by certain yacht clubs). And the Red Ensign is flown by anything else big enough to fly an ensign. Pedal boats don't, nor do punts...

Answer: A measurement of viscosity

Another new plant unknown to science there... The Redwood Second was devised by Sir Boverton Redwood (I know what you're thinking and no, he WAS real AND called that!) as a measure of how treacly things are. Well, sort of. It's the measure of how fast (or slow) a fluid will pass through a standard orifice. Sounds painful.

This can also be measured in Engler Degrees, or Saybolt Universal Seconds. Presumably different sizes of orifice. You just couldn't make stuff as good as this up. I like squirrels. We have a lot of red squirrels in the area of Southport and Formby. I keep hoping, but I've only got one Scots Pine in my mini-jungle and the deodar isn't big enough for cones yet... I'll have to make do with four sorts of tit, wrens, frogs and two sorts of toad, and hedgehogs. Could well do without the mice, but that might upset the owls...

Answer: An American tree

No, that's the excellent Red Dwarf. (Oddly enough, the name of one of the main characters - Rimmer - is a commoner surname than Smith in my town. Hardly found anywhere else, either.) The redbud is also called the American Judas Tree, but I don't know (or care) why. Do you? No bonus points in it. Anyway, I hope this quiz hasn't left you seeing red (or suffering from the blues, or even white with rage...).