George Carlin's "Brain Droppings" Quiz

Answer: a letter of credit from the Bank of Liechtenstein

An essential part of Carlin's humor is his impatience with the slow and the dumb. Here's another gem: "And what about these cretins at the airport gift shop who think somehow they're in the Mall of America?...I gotta get to my plane. Why does the genetic defective ahead of me choose this moment to purchase a complete set of dishes and a new fall wardrobe? ...And now [the guy] wants to know [if he can pay with] Turkish traveler's checks."

Answer: Are any of the waitresses missing?

Food and eating are a big part of Carlin's schtick. Some of Carlin's commentary on food and pretension: "I don't like trendy food. When I hear 'sauteed boneless panda groin,' I know I'm in the wrong place. Puree of woodchuck, marinated bat nipples...toasted snail penises...wombat souvlaki...or fried eagle.

A guy said to me recently, 'C'mon, we'll go to Baxter's, they have really great fried eagle.' I'm thinkin' to myself, 'Do I really want to know this guy?'"

Answer: The lady will have a martini, a glass of wine, two zombies, and a beer. And do you have any Quaaludes?

If we followed Carlin's advice, we could be real hell on the serving staff. One of his ideas on what to tell the waiter when he brings you your food: "I've changed my mind, waiter. Instead of the roast suckling pig, I'll have a half order of Kellogg's Product 19." Also, "Keep the waiter going on the pepper mill for a long time. Disturbingly long...then, when your food and silverware are completely covered with...pepper, say 'OK, stop! That's perfect.' Then, a few minutes later, call the waiter over and tell him, 'This food has way too much pepper on it.'"

Answer: Los Angeles, California

Carlin said "the Midwest seems like a nice place to catch up on your sleep." The South has "too much respect for authority; they're soldier-sniffers and cop-lovers." He didn't have too much to say about Canada, but had a few pithy comments about the Left Coast. California is "a goofy place..."

Answer: answered at about the same fifty-percent rate

Carlin never had that much respect for religion. He remarked "the only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music." He never would have tried to "iron his jeans," to please his God as "guys with creases in their jeans" he could always do without.

As well as... "any man who wears a suit and tie to a ballgame, people who give their genitals a name, guys who can juggle, but only a little bit, and athletes and coaches who give more than a hundred-percent."

Answer: with matching luggage

He also says you never see "a butterfly with a swastika design, a mom-and-pop steel mill, and a junkie with leisure time."

Answer: take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground

Carlin was no fan of American intelligence, culture or capitalism. He also quipped: "the reason they call it the American dream is you have to be asleep to believe it." Also: "Only Americans could find as a prime means of self-expression the wave and the high five."

Answer: She'd get drunk and try to make pancakes

He said his father used to throw him so far up in the air, he could see "Sri Lanka [which] "at the time, of course,...was still called Ceylon." Then his father would walk away.

Answer: Riding piggyback

Carlin expounds on that idea: "I still like to ride piggyback occasionally...and I don't mean across the room. I'm talking about long trips. I went to Florida last winter. Piggyback. Fortunately, I have very indulgent friends. And I pay top dollar."

Answer: "His parents had been strangled by a telephone lineman"

Carlin and the concept of school never really meshed. He didn't fit in, certainly not with the teachers and not really with the kids. One day, while being silly in class, the teacher challenged him: "Mr. Carlin, you can either take responsibility and learn this material or you can continue to act silly." Carlin tells us, "Well, that was all I needed to hear." The tough kids, talking about George, would say, "He can't dish it out and he can't take it, either."