'1066 And All That' - WC Sellar & RJ Yeatman Quiz

Answer: 55BC

1066 and 55BC are the only two dates included in this 'history': no other dates were deemed memorable, or, as a consequence, historical. 1066 was the date of the Norman invasion of England, which is the last time the English lost on home turf (provided cricketing fixtures are discounted). 55BC is the year that the Roman Dictator Julius Caesar invaded Britain (and a date that I always forget). I think it says something interesting about the collective English mind that the only two memorable dates in history are our two biggest failures.

In case you were wondering, the other dates are: 1939 - commencement of WWII between Britain and Germany; 1815 - Battle of Waterloo; 1666 - Great Fire of London.

Answer: He lost his crown in the wash

Unbelievably, not only is this the right answer, it is actually true. The Wash is a coastal area in East Anglia. While travelling through 'The Wash', King John sent his baggage, including the crown jewels, along the coastal path, which was only passable at low tide. The tide came in quickly, and the jewels were lost.

Answer: An enormous spider

Although I can think of a few people who would certainly flee at the sight of an enormous spider, this actually refers to a famous legend. Scotland was being consistently defeated by English forces, and Robert the Bruce went into a cave and refused to leave, insisting that the Scottish did not stand a chance, and that there was no point going in to battle.

However, while in the cave he saw a spider making a web over the entrance, trying again and again to draw a thread from one side to the other. Eventually the spider succeeded in its seemingly impossible task, and its persistance and eventual victory inspired Robert the Bruce to try again, and this time he was successful.

Answer: Being the only occasion on which the crown has been found after a battle hanging up in a hawthorne tree on top of a hill

Ok, in real history this is the Battle of Bosworth Field, and was the termination of the War of the Roses as Lancastrian Henry VII defeated Yorkist Richard III. People generally recall that Henry found Richard's crown in a tree, which, although a nice image, was in fact almost certainly poetic licence on the part of Shakespeare.

The other most abiding memory is that when the battle was all but lost, Richard cried out despairingly 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse'. Unfortunately this too is The Bard's imagination at work. And the one about the two suns? Yes, you guessed it. Mr Shakespeare, you have a lot to answer for in confusing the English people about their history.

Answer: Jane Seymour

Jane Seymour, as well as being 'Queen of the TV Movie' was also for a time Queen of England. As the only wife to bear Henry a son, she was his favourite, and he was buried next to her. His (6 not 8) wives were: Catherine of Aragon (divorced), Anne Boleyn (beheaded), Jane Seymour (died of natural causes), Anne of Cleves (marriage annulled), Catherine Howard (beheaded again), Katherine Parr (outlived Henry).

He certainly did like women called Catherine.

Answer: A bowlsman

Francis Drake was supposedly playing bowls when the Spanish tried to invade England with 'The Great Armadillo' as the authors call it (or the Armada, as everyone else calls it). Francis Drake was also well known as a sailor: he circumnavigated the world, (thus proving that it is round, not flat), but it is not mentioned here. Sir Walter Raleigh was the discoverer of tobacco. Beards are mentioned as one of the most romantic aspects of the reign of Elizabeth I.

Answer: Hid in all the oak trees he could find

Although this answer sounds legendary, there actually seems to be little doubt that at the height of the Civil War, Charles II (as Prince of Wales) did hide from Roundhead (anti-monarchist) soldiers in an oak tree at Boscobel House in Shropshire. He then escaped to France before returning after the death of Oliver Cromwell to restore the monarchy.

Although the aristocracy had been rather depleted by the Civil War, Charles did his best to rebuild it by fathering an enormous number of illegitimate children.

Answer: The Pilgrims' Progress

'The Pilgrim's Progress' is a Christian allegory written by the 17th Century Puritan John Bunyan. This question, of course, refers to the Pilgrim Fathers who left Plymouth, England, and arrived at Plimouth, America, seemingly having forgotten how to spell on their journey.

They left England to avoid the religious persecution which was occuring there at this time. Other lesser causes mentioned are The Boston Tea Party and George Whittington/Dick Washington.

Answer: The Great War to End War

Although this book was published before WWII, this was already a fairly hollow joke. The League of Nations, a forerunner of the UN, had degenerated from international instrument to promote discussion and thus prevent war to an international laughing stock, as it failed to resolve a single conflict.

WWI, according to the authors, is the end of history because it was won by America, thus causing America, not Britain, to be top nation. Since the purpose of history is to show how Britain became top nation, there is now no more history.

Answer: what you can remember

'History is not what you thought. It is what you can remember. All other history defeats itself'. A surprisingly profound statement for a work of comedy. It has frequently been claimed that the purpose of history is to learn from the mistakes of the past.

However, if you can't remember any history, you will repeat ancestors' errors. Reading any history book or watching any news report will show this.