Straight From the Critic's Mouth Quiz

Answer: Meet the Spartans

What did other critics say?
"What does it say about a film with an hour running time that has twenty minutes of outtakes after the credits to reach theatrical length? Very little that's positive."
"It's so bad even Carmen Electra should be embarrassed."
"It's only about an hour and a quarter long, although a closing dance number stretches it out another few minutes. Brevity, it turns out, is also the soul of stupidity."
"Perhaps the most oft-quoted line from '300' is "Tonight, we dine in hell!" Chowing down on a box of Butterfinger Minis during a screening of 'Meet the Spartans', you will truly understand what that line means."

Let me tell you a story. I went and saw this movie at a matinee in the middle of the week with some friends. We intended to watch the worst movie in the theater. Five minutes in, the friend to my right leaned in and whispered, "You will never choose a movie again." As we left the theater about an hour later (the movie runs for about an hour and ten minutes), the man who took our tickets refunded us the money we paid for the film.
"Meet The Spartans" came from two of the writers from one of the later "Scary Movie" films. Due to the unprecedented 'success' of this movie ($84,000,000 successful), "Disaster Movie" was made. Do we see a correlation? Ironically, both movies contained a number of cast members of the canceled TV show "MadTV". The film also picked up five Razzie nominations but lost Worst Picture to "The Love Guru".

Answer: House of the Dead

What did other critics say?
"This is the first live-action horror movie based on a video game that I've ever seen in which the game's animation is actually used as a repeated special effect. This is not a good thing."
"There is an extended sequence in which every individual character goes bullet-time, and [Uwe] Boll must think it's so cool just because they're in bullet-time."
"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Exhibit A in the evidence that no more video games, under any conditions, should be made into movies."
"And now, a rundown on the rest of the story: BLAST, BAM, SPLAT, BLEAH, BANG, BOOM, FIZZ!"

Viewers and gamers will recognize the name "House of the Dead" simply by walking past an arcade (there may be one in your very movie theater!). This game, played with light-guns, has been a staple in the arcade industry. This was part of why Uwe Boll's film was so bad. At times, he emulated the game with weird video game scenes and representations, and at other times he just missed the mark. The film, about a zombie-infested island during spring break, made a meager $13,000,000. Thankfully, the film only cost $12,000,000 to make. Usually, it costs less than $5 to buy...and it may still cost too much.

Answer: All About Steve

What did other critics say?
"There's nothing wrong with 'All About Steve' that a rewrite couldn't fix, as long as the rewrite involved a different writer, a different character and a different story."
"If you ever wanted to know what kind of movie plays deaf children falling into a sinkhole for laughs, look no further."
"It fails at everything it attempts to do. There's simply no point for it to exist."
"One might be tempted to call it perfectly dreadful if it didn't seem inappropriate to utter the word 'perfect' anywhere within miles of it."

Ranking as bad as "Speed 2: Cruise Control" (maybe worse), Bullock played Mary, a crossword writer and social misfit from San Francisco. After a blind date with Steve, she decided to stalk him despite his frequent attempts to flee from her. Bullock, who also appeared in "The Blind Side" (and won a Golden Globe for it) and "The Proposal" in the same year, certainly reached the lowest of lows along with the highest of highs. While the movie made $37,000,000 and reached #3 in the box office, it was panned by critics and viewers.

Answer: Whiteout

What did other critics say?
"Set in Antarctica, but unbelievably boring. I kept hoping for something unexpected to show up, like a killer penguin, but it never did."
"'Whiteout' is a colorless wasteland. There's only one thing that could have helped cover this film up: A flashback that changed the script's name to Wite-Out."
"The characters based on the [graphic] novel never get beyond one dimension and the film moves at the pace of an Antarctic glacier. On second thought, the glacier moves faster."
"If you want the real 'Whiteout' experience, just read the book. Or ask the manager of your local 7-Eleven if you can play 'Clue' in the beer cooler."

"Whiteout", directed by "Swordfish" director Dominic Sena, hit the theaters in September 2009 to earn a mere third of its original budget, grossing $12,000,000. Kate Beckinsale, who previously appeared in "Underworld" and "Pearl Harbor" starred in the film opposite "The Spirit" actor Gabriel Macht and Tom Skerritt. The film didn't receive as much favour as Dark Castle's other summer 2009 release, "Orphan", but with good reason (it was too bland and predictable...and poorly filmed).

Answer: Glitter

What did other critics say?
"Every time you think this story has gone way overboard on ludicrous plot developments, it will toss you another one."
"The film seems to suffer from a kind of death wish, bent on offering itself up for audience ridicule."
"It's just an intentional hoot, sabotaged by clunky direction, a screenplay so awful it feels as though there are no vowels, and Carey's inability to recite a line of it."
"We don't have much space to tell you about 'Glitter', so we'll be blunt. This star vehicle for singer Mariah Carey is primarily a showcase for her breasts. "

While "Glitter" was nominated for six Razzies, it only took home the one. Director Vondie Curtis-Hall has acted and directed (and been nominated for an Emmy). He was also known for directing the Tim Roth/Tupac Shakur film "Gridlock'd". Mariah Carey, obviously better-known for her music career, also appeared in the 2009 film, "Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire". Suffice to say it was better-received. "Glitter" lost $17,000,000 in the box office (earning only five million). Carey has been said to blame the film's failure on the 9/11 attacks; her film was released ten days after the tragedy. Others blamed the film itself.

Answer: Darkness Falls

What did other critics say?
"All semblance of plausibility is extracted, leaving a cast of TV actors to struggle with a plot with more gaps than an eight-year-old's grin."
"Simply put, 'Darkness Falls' is like that snake that eats itself: by the time minute 80 hits the screen, you'll have completely forgotten about minutes 1 through 10."
"'Darkness Falls' is the movie to see if you've ever wondered what a movie plays like with all the unimportant stuff -- narrative, character development -- cut out and the action kept in."
"The story and characters are so thin that 'Darkness Falls' has nothing to offer but the entertainment value of child endangerment."

Afraid of the dark, grown-up psychologist's-dream Kyle Walsh watched his mother get killed by the malevolent Tooth Fairy who killed the children of Darkness Falls when they lost their last baby tooth. Now, with his old crush's brother on the eve of his final visit, he needed to stop the Tooth Fairy once and for all. The trick was that she could fly...and attack people...and had superhuman strengths and agility; the catch was that she could only do this in the dark. DARKness Falls...get it? Anywho, Jonathan Liebesman later made "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning" (which was just as badly-received by critics) and Emma Caulfield dropped off the radar. The movie made nearly $50,000,000, but at what cost to the world of film?

Answer: Babylon A.D.

What did other critics say?
"It's as though the film's final act was accidentally deleted on the digital editing console."
"A must-see only for fans of snowmobile chases."
"Diesel sums it all up when he narrates early on, "Too bad it was the day I died." Was he referring to his character, or his career?"
"'Babylon A.D.' is a bad, bloated big-budget science fiction film that doesn't even have the distinction of being memorably horrible or fascinatingly inept; it's simply a lump of product, a failure too expensive to simply discard."

Released in 2008, "Babylon A.D." was a dystopian film set in the distant future. Vin Diesel's character needed to transport Aurora (played by Michelle Yeoh) to New York. It was not that easy though. As they went along it turned out she has been pre-programmed to perform specific tasks and there's nothing that can be done about it...and then it turned out that the future was a difficult place to get around in. Based on Maurice Georges Dantec's "Babylon Babies", the movie was considered weak and boring- the same as every other sci-fi movie out there, but worse.

Answer: The Happening

What did other critics say?
"Wahlberg turns in one of his worst performances ever, but then he's saddled with preposterous scenes (like one where he tries to placate a ficus) and such lame lines as "Could this really be happening?" Funny, I was wondering the same thing myself."
"'The Happening' is an awful letdown, yet it leaves you with something new, as a gently waving tree -- that classical image of pastoral tranquility -- mutates into a harbinger of doom."
"We don't care. It doesn't matter if they live or die, if there's a happy ending, or some kind of twist. 'The Happening' is a movie to walk out of, sleep through, or -- best of all -- not to bother with."
"Maybe Shyamalan didn't mean for 'The Happening' to be exciting and dramatic: perhaps the writer-director intended the film to be an exercise in sucking all the life and emotion out of fictional characters."

Coming from a director known for his tendency to throw a major twist ending into a film, Shyamalan's "The Happening" earned a lot of money (from people who must have forgot about "Lady in the Water") but got panned by critics. Although Shyamalan planned to make the movie unrealistic, it was disliked because of its implausibility and the wooden performances of the cast. The film was about a toxin created and emitted by plants which caused people to commit suicide in the goriest way possible. One man walked into a tiger pit and let himself get eaten. Another ran himself over with a giant riding lawn-mower. Some critics assumed you were supposed to feel empathy by the end. Regardless, the movie earned over $160,000,000 and became a Friday the 13th (release date) success.

Answer: Godzilla

What did other critics say?
"This is the view from the end of the world -- we look on the smoking ruin of Manhattan and shrug and eat our popcorn."
"...Godzilla literally runs away from battle, and is presented in such a way that the audience is actually supposed to feel sorry for him! I don't think so."
"I wasn't expecting much of anything from this film, but as Hollywood is teaching me: my hopes are still way too high."
"Unspeakably boring and despicable. How anyone could possibly like such a piece of wretched excrement is beyond my comprehension."

Earning $379,000,000 overall, the film was far from a box office failure but the movie was less-than-impressive amongst critics. Emmerich, who has a penchant for making blockbuster 'blow-up' movies as much as Michael Bay does, released this movie after the major "Independence Day". Audiences ate up the film- after all, the "Godzilla" franchise was one of the most popular monster franchises ever released. The movie starred Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Harry Shearer, and Hank Azaria (the latter two both consistently voice characters on "The Simpsons"). One year later, Japan began a major reboot of the "Godzilla" franchise beginning with "Godzilla 2000". This was the only one of the film series to appear in American theaters. Emmerich would later go on to kill millions of people and destroy international landmarks in "The Day After Tomorrow" and "2012".

Answer: Jumper

What did other critics say?
"'Jumper' is a plodding, action-less mess, in which we'd only be interested if we could comprehend what the heck was going on."
"By mid way, you wish the jumper were you. Teleporting yourself to the outer lobby would be far enough."
"There's Samuel L. Jackson with frosty white hair snarling, 'There are ALWAYS! CONSEQUENCES!' That's worth some money, I suppose."
"Would you pay full entree price for an appetizer? Well, 'Jumper' is more like the bread you get before the waiter brings the appetizer to your table."

Based on a novel by Steven Gould, "Jumper" appeared in theaters on Valentine's Day in 2009. Directed by Doug Liman ("Mr. and Mrs. Smith", "The Bourne Identity", etc.) the movie was popular in the box office earning $222,000,000 overall, but it 'jumped the shark' with critics. Hayden Christensen's character could 'jump' anywhere in the world, teleporting himself where he pleased. Samuel L. Jackson, who played a paladin, set out to capture him and kill him, but it was a lot harder than it seemed. Rachel Bilson acted confused for a while. It was understandably overwhelming; we couldn't blame her. Critics mainly blamed the 'all-over-the-place' feel of a movie which couldn't sit still.