'M*A*S*H' - 'Hey, Doc' Trivia Quiz

Answer: A two-day vacation pass

Having run out of cash, Radar asks if 'youse guys' would be willing to allow a two-day vacation pass as a bet. Kimble replies, 'Put it in. Paper's paper.' Kimble wins with a full house over BJ's trio of eights.

Answer: Kimble's Korean Kafe

Kimble must return via ship because of the great amount of 'loot' he is bringing back with him to his home in Philadelphia. In order to get on the ship, he must acquire three doctors' signatures for his imaginary 'ear ailment', which would mean a signature from Frank as well (good luck!)

Kimble points out how clever his restaurant's name is with the 'three K's'. Hawkeye responds, 'You can buy your linen from the Ku Klux Klan'.

Answer: English

Lieutenant Chivers is sent in command of the 29th Brigade of the British army. Hawkeye's tribute to England: 'I'm a lifelong Anglophile. England is still the only place in the world where any young man can grow up to be the queen.'

Answer: Ingrown toenail

According to Chivers, the British are terribly concerned about foot ailments. 'An officer neglectful enough to develop an ingrown toenail is in serious trouble,' says the Lieutenant. Punishment could include the withholding of a promotion or denial of leave, as just two examples.

Answer: Two bottles of Scotch

'According to the Pierce-Hunnicut Ingrwon Toenail Memorial Clinic conversion table,' Hawkeye announces, 'one severe metatarsal perionychium will cost you exactly two bottles of Scotch.' Chivers quickly agrees and the deal is done. After Chivers delivers the two bottles of Scotch, they are both lost to the sniper (obviously, his brigade didn't do its job!)

Answer: No

No, and for good reason. The Colonel has an STD (sexually transmitted disease) and doesn't care to announce it to the entire camp, let alone to the doctors. Griswald describes it as a 'delicate problem', and that there would be 'certain ramifications if [he] checked into a base hospital'. Though he doesn't exactly spell it out, Hawkeye knows his meaning precisely.

A penicillin shot is pending...

Answer: A microscope

The lab microscope has been stolen from the 'M*A*S*H' and the doctors are desperate to have another one. BJ makes a deal with Kimble; if the Sergeant can scrounge up a new microscope, he and Hawkeye will somehow manage to acquire Frank's signature for Kimble's 'ear disorder'.

Answer: False

Hawkeye takes it a step further, in fact. Hawkeye is forced to threaten the Colonel about his 'private medical records' in order to convince him of the depths of the problems at the 4077th. The Colonel immediately sends in a tank, which he says the M*A*S*H for 24 hours.

Answer: The girls' showers

Frank destroys the girls' showers, a small tent in which the M*A*S*H gang play cards and a jeep upon which Colonel Potter rides. After looking at the crushed carcass of his jeep, the Colonel pulls out his sidearm and shoots it.

Answer: True

Hawkeye helps make an excuse for Frank, suggesting that the tank went out of control and that Frank managed heroically to neutralize the gigantic metal beast. In return for this favor, the doctors insist that Frank sign Kimble's medical report. Hawkeye even assists Frank with the spelling of his name...'B-U-R-N-S, Frank'.