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August 15, 2008

Just Been Published

My new book "Those Amazing Suppositories" has just been picked up by Price Waterhouse!

Been ever so busy

I have been working on several new books and haven t had time to tend my blog.

They are titled: I Wonder What I Did Last Summer, A Walk in the Bar, and last but not least If You Can t Jump for Joy at Least Try to Hop. I have had several inquireries already.

Exciting Huh?!

Parody of Picture

PITCHER

Livin' my life
on a bar stool,

I know that I'm drunk,
but I'm old school,

I ain't seen the sun
shine in 9 dam days

Been fuelin up on
Bud and Hot Dam

My tab's not paid
and I got banned

Lord I wonder if
I'll ever change my ways

I got a pitcher today
I got drunk all day

I can't look at you cause
I'm passed out on the floor

they took my  pitcher away,
I've been drinkin all day

I can't look at you cause
I'm passed out on the floor

Last night I fell off my barstool,
Everyone laughed

drunks can be so cruel

And their half
assed smiles tell me

something just ain't right

I been waitin on
my aid check for a long time

Can't afford to buy
any cheap Wine

I ain't said nothin
coherent in three
damn nights

They took my pitcher away
I wonder where I been

I can't bum free drinks
while I'm heavin in the can

They took my pitcher away
I wonder where I been

I can't look at you cause
I'm passed out on the bar

I saw you yesterday
with an old friend

It was the same ole
"you're drunk again".

Since my beer's been
gone my skin's

turned dark and grey

It reminded me
I see through a haze

I wish happy hour
lasted all day

I was out givin head

I was off to piss
a pitcher away!

I thought about
beer for a long time

can't seem to get
it off my mind

Can't understand why

they're sendin me to AA

I got another pitcher today

I swear I don't

know where I am

I just called to ask

"Could you buy me another Bud?"

I got another pitcher today

I swear I don't know where I am

I just called to say

"I'm drunk, could you call me a cab?"

"You're a cab".


I did not copyright this one so have at it

I wrote a song

I'M A BAR LOVIN WOMAN

 

Well, I' m a woman and I love my bar,

just walk a block down and thar I are.

The beer flows freely,

the man are a sight to see.

I'm a bar lovin woman

and that's alright with me

 

Some folk say that a woman shouldn't be in a bar

but I'm an woman America citizen

and we ve come pretty far!

I can cuss every swear word startin from A to Z,

I'm a bar lovin woman

and that's alright with me!

 

There been a few times when I was called a scamp

just because I wanted to buy a beer with a lousy old food stamp

but when you need a glass of Bud

you'll do most anything, Boy I gotta pee!

I'm a bar lovin woman

and that s alright with me!

 

This song ain't got no chorus

but what do you expect?

I live my life in a tavern

everything is classified Oh what the heck!

You loose your will to give a hoot, HEHEHEHE

I'm a bar lovin woman

and that's alright with me!

 

Ever now and then, usually on Friday night

some loud mouth redneck, starts a real good fight,

I love to watch em, until they call the cops

and patrons start to flee.

I'm a bar lovin woman

and that's alright with me!

 

Hey. I ain't got no home life

I'm liven in a giant pig sty.

There ain t no time for cleanin

or bakin an apple pie.

I gotta spend all my down time

recooperatin don't you see?! (screw you)

I'm a bar lovin woman

and that's alright with me!

 

I love to close that bar down

guzzlin my last round,

waitin to see who'll pick me up

if I don't fall on the ground.

He might be from Texas

or straight from Misery.

I'm a bar lovin woman

and that's alright with me!

 

This here is the saddest verse,

I'll be late gittin to the bar today,

I have to make a court appearance first.

I guess I'll have to pay,

cause the pool table in my tavern

ain't no place to get a lay!

I'm still a bar lovin woman

and that's alright I say!

 

I've spent my last beer chip,

and I'm feelin kinda sad

cause I gotta go home now,

and that is very very bad,

but the one thing that keeps me goin

my bar opens again at 3.

I'm a bar lovin woman

and that's alright with me!

AND THAT'S ALRIGHT WITH ME!!!

                     YEEHAW

 

 

Montel the Wonder Goose