Faith and School
Today is the third day of my junior year of college, and what a journey it has been just attempting to get here. For those of you who don't know me I am an Art student attempting to follow my dreams, aspirations, and calling. I go to a college out in the middle of nowhere, but I will tell you that it's the closest place that I can call home.
For the past 5 years my family has been up rooted and moving 3 and now going on 4 times. Like many other American's jobs have been scarce and ones that are found are next to impossible to continue at a steady pace.
We still are not talking with family members outside our house (besides a few which have been recent occurrences) due to manipulation, derogatory statements, and deplorable actions. I'm not saying we have been in the right all along, but there are instances where things are/have been too much to handle.
Against all odds (and believe me there have been some heavy handed odds against me/us as a family) I have made it thus far to be stopped momentarily or at least casted adrift by a class that shouldn't be an issue for me.
I have grown up around the Amish community primarily. They are my second family. I am not one nor am I Mennonite, even though I go to a Mennonite founded college. Honestly, I cannot tell you what I am as far as faith is concerned. I have not attended church regularly since early grade school and even then my most regularity was week long summer school and Mother's day banquets in honor of the more civil sided grandparents. I have spent time studying other cultures and religious views at great length when my interest in Anthropology peaked in my early to mid teen years. I'd like to mix everything that "feels right" from all of them and call the religion my own and be able to leave it at that, however when asked what my faith is I am often expected to explain why.
Which this trickles down to my problematic course here at college. Intro to the Biblical World. It is only second day and already I feel as though I am way behind in the understanding and familiarity behind it all. To be honest I am very scared now that our primary lecture group has been split into thirds to be turned into discussion type lectures. I will be honest I am not comfortable talking about my faith. Past family issues have confirmed and concreted that fear, as they demanded explanations as to what and why. I AM NOT AN EXTREMEIST IN ANY FASHION OF THE SENSE. However to sum it to the best of my ability I take parts of Buddhism, Christianity, and Judaism. I am peaceful. I do turn the cheek to insults and even physical attacks. I do meditate to balance my inner self and regain concentration and reassurance, and I do believe in certain other reasoning’s.
I have been dating a man of very strong Methodist beliefs and his reasoning’s for hoping we may go to the same church together so our children won’t have to choose later in life I can understand. However in a sense I would like my kids to have an ability to explore the same way I have. After many very uncomfortable discussions with him, our agreements and understandings of one another have become manageable and I feel as though I can open up to him with questions that would most likely make the most illiterate Christian think I'm stupid for asking. With this said I assume you can understand where my brief sigh of relief was bestowed when I found he was taking Intro to Biblical World with me, however now I have found he is in another discussion group. Meaning after classes he would not know what was discussed for me to feel free to ask about an issue that I may be having. Honestly I do expect to have many questions.
In the past several months I have found myself leaning more to the Christian side of things and have attempted to go to several churches in search of being able to be a bystander and just observe to understand. Ask anyone who knows me. I am very verbal about opinions, goals, and other day-to-day activities, but when it comes to personal faith I am exponentially silent. I love listening to people of other cultures and am next to impossible to be deterred from accepting others opinions, but to express my own even when my closest affiliation is that of the world's largest I am unsure how to explain, describe and then back up with the always asked-- evidence.
I am unsure why exactly I have written this. Maybe to express what has been held up inside of me for so long? I'd like to think it's what my gut has told me to do, like it had when discovering this beloved campus, and even my boyfriend. To be honest this is the longest and most free flowing piece of writing I have written in months. In that maybe it gives me hope that this is something I am to do.
All that said, I must run off now in search of a quiet homework spot before dinner and then my night class. I hope you all who have stuck by and read this (and those who haven't) are well. If not I wish you well.
~Brittany
Demetera Wei
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