It's been an unseasonably warm winter thus far, unless of course you live in Denver or somewhere else where it isn't, you know, unseasonably warm.  People's bulbs are coming up and flowering trees have begun to bud, most unwisely, like adolescent girls in love.  They'll have a bad end, but you have to smile at the enthusiasm, the hope, the brief and fleeting beauty of it all.

 

I don't mind the warm weather.  When I think about it (and I only just did so tonight, as the cold rushes back and deepens), I don't think I've ever had a truly unhappy moment at the beach.  Even my parents, who were as ill-matched as cherry blossoms and January, were happy at the shore.  I don't know what it is about surf fishing and sand castles, but somehow they prevented the screaming fights my sister and I endured back within the walls only a quarter-mile away.  Once, our car got stuck in the sand (I didn't grow up in a fancy town with actual beach parking lots) and my mother bet my father she could get it out without his help.  He took the bet; she sent him and us out of sight and had a car full of guys stopped within two minutes.  (My mother was a beautiful woman in the sunlight.) They pushed our car out.  It was all kind of Claudette Colbert in some movie where she got help by pulling up her skirt.  It was young, innocent, laughter.

 

I don't mind warm weather.

I dislike Hallowe'en.  There, I've said it.  Fill my in-box with disagreement; comment at will, but I do.  It's completely out of hand in the USA, and I blame the baby boomers.  Are y'all SO desperate to rewrite your childhoods that you've created this (pun intended) monster of a "holiday"?  Stop it!

 

When I was growing up (or attempting to; there are those who'd say I haven't accomplished it yet), October 31 was relatively simple.  Costume, jack-o-lantern, candy, Charlie Brown.  That was IT.  Oh, and we Catholic kids got the next day off.  Nyah-nyah-neener-neener.  (Of course, the Protestant kids said the same to us every OTHER day as they walked half a block to school and we took a half-hour bus ride.  Oh well.)

 

I was recently invited (via a catalog) to purchase a "Halloween Tree".  This is a dead tree thingy (I was going to type "faux dead tree", but then that would imply it's alive, when in truth it is some sort of plastic) which I would then be required to decorate with strings of pumpkin lights, dangling bats, and "cobwebs", also faux.  Interestingly, this same decor graced (sic) a formerly very nice restaurant I visited this past week.  Call me the late-October equivalent of December's Ebenezer, but $30 entrees and plastic spiders do NOT harmonize.

 

Take a look at this:

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=4933776

(If, like me, you never click on links because you can't be bothered, I'll describe it.  It's a six-FOOT inflatable snow-globe-type thingy from Wal-Mart, meant as a Hallowe'en decoration.  It has bats flying around in it *yes, faux bats* and a giant glowing skull and what-not.  *I bet you're wishing you had just clicked the link, aren't you?* It's on sale for about $50, reduced from just over $70.  I didn't buy one, so they have some left.)

 

It's almost a little too easy to trash on Wal-Mart, so I must rush to add that these things or their approximations are everywhere.  Giant glowing heads in "crystal" balls also seem popular this festive season.  Now, I'll drop more than a few dollars on shoes or a bag in a heartbeat, but the price of all this nonsensery just blows me away.  Wal-Mart says the item above is "imported or of US manufacture"....hah.  What are the people in China or Malaysia or wherever THINKING of us as they assemble this hideousness?  The only thing I can imagine is...."People with more money than sense".

 

You're best advised not to knock on my door this year...I've got organic granola bars, sugar-free juice boxes, and, it seems, a major attitude.

What are the contents of your junk drawer?  Alas, I am anal-retentive and clean it out a lot.  It makes me really anxious when I can't find things.  The one weird thing still in there is the extra yarn I got when I recently bought a cashmere sweater.  I find it odd they'd give me yarn....what am i going to do with it, knit up a hole if I tear it?  And yet I can't throw it away....(head trip from the garment industry....)

 

Ok, if you dumped out your wallet or handbag or backpack on the table, would it be a frightening sight? Are there any interesting things in there?  Latest copies of Vogue and Elle; hair chopsticks, hair clips, hair ornaments, scrunchies (this is embarrassing....I obviously need hair accessory intervention); six different brands of lip gloss (all essentially the same color); a Canadian breast cancer pink ribbon quarter (you rule, Canada!); a copy of Sharon Olds's "The Wellspring".

 

What's under your bed?  Quilts and bedding and table runners and napkins and things my great-grandmother embroidered that I never use but can't bear to throw away and that my sister (who has TONS more storage space than me I might add) won't take.

 

Have you ever performed a defrag on your computer?  Well, yes, but the computer consented to it.  Really.  It was mutual.  So there.

(so very few clever answers from me....sorry guys)

 

Movies: Theatre, rent or buy?  all three

Chocolate or vanilla? neither

Regarding chocolate, dark, milk or white?  neither

Sunrise or sunset?  sunset, absolutely

Shower or bath?  both but not simultaneously

Coffee or tea?  neither

Cats or dogs?  neither

Rock or country?  neither....or both, in little doses

Fiction or non-fiction?  both, in huge doses

Snail mail or e-mail?  both

 

Have you ever

 

Played spin the bottle?  Yep.

 

Been tickled so hard you couldn't speak?  Not that I can recall.

 

Liked someone but never told them?  Are we including Al Gore and the cute doctor who set my broken collarbone?  'Cause if so....yeah.

 

Walked in the rain without an umbrella?  I've walked in a HURRICANE without an umbrella.  (How's that for metaphor?)

 

Been in a talent show?  My friends used to have informal talent shows at sleepovers.  Why, oh why couldn't we just have made prank calls like everyone else?

 

Burnt yourself with hair curler/straightener?  I tend to burn myself in the kitchen. Boiling honey comes to mind.  Ow.

 

Cried during a movie?  I cry during television commercials, at airports and when I run out of fruit.  So, yeah, movies.

 

Been to an island?  Which one?

 

 

Can you

 

Unwrap a Starburst with your tongue?    No, I just look like I can.

 

Sing in front of a crowd?  Under religious orders not to.

 

Multitask?  I have a uterus, so, yes.

 

Sleep with the lights on?  Yep.

 

Walk in really high heels?  Since I was about five.

 

Ice skate?  Dear god, no.  Someone should put high heels on those things and then I could, though.

 

Other stuff

 

What are some of your hobbies?  From dictionary.com: "Hobby: an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation".  Yikes.  That sounds like my entire life.

 

Do you have any special talents?  Shopping.

 

What is your all time favourite teacher?  No comment

 

What website do you visit most?  This one, yahoo for games, and wikipedia.

 

Who is your best friend?  My sister

 

Do you have any siblings and how do you feel about them?  Everyone on earth should have one person who knows everything about her and still loves her.  I'm blessed.  I love you Jessie.  (Give me back my blue lace shirt, ya tramp.  I KNOW you stole it.)

You suddenly have five million dollars.  What one thing about you, or your life, would change?

     My tax form would be longer.  I'd have to use the long one. I'd meet an amazing accountant, he'd be all strong and smart in that geeky way they have, and....wait a minute.  Is he only interested in me because I have five million dollars?

What is the very first thought in your head when you wake up in the morning?

     "I'm so glad I painted all my walls pink.  God bless you and your fine paint, Ralph Lauren."

Who do you seek advice from?

     I generally tend to ask someone on another continent. Distance lends perspective.

Say one nice thing about the town you live in:

     Eight million stories and almost that many cabs.

Who would portray you if a movie was made based on your life?

     Assuming Sylvia Plath is otherwise engaged (being dead and all), how about Nicole Kidman?

Name an album that is good from start to finish:

     This is where I admit I don't care that much about music. It hampers me severely in the trivia department. Questions like "Who was Band X's second drummer after the first one strangled himself with his own flaming hair after drinking an entire bottle of whatever-it-was?" make me insane. I like music okay. It's pleasant when it's on, I respect the talent of musicians (in fact, having zero musical talent myself, it's more amazement combined with respect), but....I have to leave this question blank.

What was the last insulting thing somebody said directly about you?

     "Since when do you care about current events?"  Like I'm ALL fluff?  I've half a mind to go out and become Secretary of State just to show THEM!  (Unfortunately, I think you need more than half a mind for that job.  Oh well.)

Do you live by the standards written in The Holy Bible?

     The part about "Do Unto Others", yeah, I try.  That's not exclusive to Judeo-Christian scripture, though.

Were you popular in high school?

    I got the cheerleader thing out of my system in junior high school.  Anyway, in my high school the precision dance team were THE hot girls, not the cheerleaders.  And I have two (possibly three) left feet, so that was out.  I went through a brief occult period with Tarot cards and incense and moody poetry and hair so long I could sit on it.  Not really sure if I was "popular", but people came to me for future predictions and homework help.

What's the drawback in living to be 100?

    Pretty much everyone who shared your perspectives and history would be dead.  That's a lotta death.  (Hey, way to end on a depressing note.  Moody poetry, anyone?)