In Hollywood two goats wandered into an alleyway behind a cinema. There they found a can of film, which one of them promptly ate. "How was it?" his companion asked. "Oh, all right," he said. "But the book was better".

A man is on the operating table before surgery by a renowned surgeon, who also happened to be his son. Before he receives the anaesthetic he insists on speaking to his son, the surgeon.

"Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous son. Do your best, and remember, if it doesn't go well and something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife"

Under certain circumstances profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. (Mark Twain)
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval in between. (George Santayana)
Is life worth living? That depends on the liver. (Anon)
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. (Anon)
What men call gallantry, and gods adultery, Is much more common when the weather's sultry. (Byron)
Old age is fifteen years older than I am. (Ronald Blythe)
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. (Arab curse)
I have a Scottish correspondent who spends his leisure hours collecting the registration numbers of bassoons. (Patrick Moore)
Etiquette is the noise you don't make while having soup. (Anon)
I've never disliked a man enough to give him his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. (Bob Hope)
Money nowadays seems to be produced with a natural homing instinct for the Treasury. (Duke of Edinburgh)

I always liked the quote attributed to Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

I see examples of this every day at work.