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#1111788 - Fri Oct 09 2015 09:40 PM How to Sing the Blues
ozzz2002 Online   FT-cool
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If you are new to the blues, or like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning ... "

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes--sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. "You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch ... ain't no way out."

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or sport utility vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' ta die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues; they ain't fixin' ta die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Clarksdale, Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N'awlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied

No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. black coffee d. muddy water

The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or during liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Hot Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Crippled, Lame, etc.) b. first name plus name of fruit (Lemon Lime, Peach, etc.) c. last name of a president, for example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson, or Crippled Peach Clinton, etc.

21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.
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#1111810 - Sat Oct 10 2015 04:08 AM Re: How to Sing the Blues
HairyBear Offline
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Registered: Fri Sep 01 2006
Posts: 700
Loc: Florida USA
That actually made me laugh, ozzz.

Far Side version

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#1111842 - Sat Oct 10 2015 10:43 AM Re: How to Sing the Blues
jabb5076 Offline
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Registered: Tue Apr 24 2012
Posts: 316
Loc: Georgia USA
This was hilarious! Did you write it?

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#1111881 - Sat Oct 10 2015 02:48 PM Re: How to Sing the Blues
ozzz2002 Online   FT-cool
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Registered: Mon Dec 03 2001
Posts: 20417
Loc: Sydney
NSW Australia
Originally Posted By: jabb5076
This was hilarious! Did you write it?

No. I am cleaning out some old emails, so there may be more. Be warned! smile

And I love Far Side...


Edited by ozzz2002 (Sat Oct 10 2015 02:52 PM)
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#1111882 - Sat Oct 10 2015 02:56 PM Re: How to Sing the Blues
HairyBear Offline
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Registered: Fri Sep 01 2006
Posts: 700
Loc: Florida USA
And then there's the privileged teen white girl singing the blues for comedic effect, from Adventures in Babysitting:

Babysitting Blues


Edited by HairyBear (Sat Oct 10 2015 03:11 PM)

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#1111886 - Sat Oct 10 2015 03:50 PM Re: How to Sing the Blues
paper_aero Offline
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Registered: Fri Jan 06 2006
Posts: 6019
Loc: Crawley Sussex
England UK
So 'Blind Level Crossing' isn't the name of a blues singer?

Wondered why the signs didn't say when he was playing.
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#1112098 - Tue Oct 13 2015 01:04 AM Re: How to Sing the Blues
Jakeroo Offline
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Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 2064
Loc: Alberta Canada
This is probably the most amusing compilation I've read in years, so thanks : )
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#1112100 - Tue Oct 13 2015 01:15 AM Re: How to Sing the Blues
Jakeroo Offline
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Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 2064
Loc: Alberta Canada
Not amusing, but I like these quotes:

I've said that playing the blues is like having to be black twice. Stevie Ray Vaughan missed on both counts, but I never noticed.
B. B. King

Anybody singing the blues is in a deep pit yelling for help.
Mahalia Jackson

Like you and your woman ain't gettin' along and you're in love. You can't sleep at nights. Your mind is on her - on whatever. You know, that's the blues. You can't hug that money at night. You can't kiss it.
John Lee Hooker

Audiences like their blues singers to be miserable.
Janis Joplin
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Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense
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#1112112 - Tue Oct 13 2015 05:57 AM Re: How to Sing the Blues
jabb5076 Offline
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Registered: Tue Apr 24 2012
Posts: 316
Loc: Georgia USA
I don't know, Jake, that B. B. King quote is pretty funny!

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