Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home.

And they financed it by crow-funding.

I've got the memory of an elephant - I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

Drive to Hawaii! God came to this guy and told him that he had been such a good guy He was going to grant him a wish. The guy says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid of planes and boats. Could you build a bridge so I can ride my Harley over"? God says no, that's too hard, pick another wish. The guy says "well, I'd like to be able to understand women". God thinks awhile, then asks "two lanes, or four"?

What is E.T short for? He has little legs.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe PHilope.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

I'm really good friends with most of the alphabet. I really don't know Y.


Two cows are standing in a field. The one says to the other one. "Aren't you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other one says, 'No, I'm a helicopter'.

Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer? She always runs away from the ball.

Why did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
He could feel his presents.

What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants.

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing...they fast.

I went to visit a psychic one time. I knocked at her door.
SHe said, 'Who is it?'
I left.

hihi

Why wouldn't the shrimp share his toys?
He's a little shellfish.

What do you call Chewbacca when he's got chocolate stuck in his fur?
A chocolate chip wookie

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad.

A bear walks into a restaurant and the waiter comes up. He says, "I'd like a..... Grilled cheese sandwich. " The waiter asks him, "what's with the pause?" The bear says, "what do you mean? I'm a bear. "

How can you make holy water? You burn the hell out of it.

Just got this one in from Israel from an old friend.

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbit Walk into a Bar. The bartender asks "Hey, what kind of a joke is this?". The Rabbit says sadly: "You can blame it on Google auto suggest"

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes £8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

A penguin walked into a hotel and asked the receptionist: "Has my wife been in yet?"

"I don't know" said the receptionist. "What does she look like?"
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I conducted an orchestra the other day. It's more fun than you can shake a stick at.
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A woman went to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, I am worried about my husband- he thinks he is a refrigerator."
"That's not so bad," the doctor said, "it's a fairly harmless contraption."
"Well, maybe," she said. "But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"
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Why can't ant catch Covid?
Because of their tiny little anty bodies.