Music fans were shocked today to learn of the non-death of the great Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards, 59. Although Richards' haggard, death-not-warmed-over appearance has long suggested to pop music observers that he has not been among the living for quite some time, conclusive proof was received today that at least several of Richards' metabolic processes are ongoing and that rumors of his death have been, to borrow from Twain, exaggerated.
Chuck Berry, whose famous punch to Richards' face some 20-odd years ago clearly did not hasten Richards' non-death, could not be reached for comment.

I've long believed that Keith Richards is a creature of the night. You know, Nosferatu, Das Vampyre. Whatever you want to call it, the man is a bloodsucker! I swear he sleeps upsidedown in a cave somewhere. Either that or he took a cue from Robert Johnson and met a man at the crossroads. Or maybe he's pickled. I don't know, but it just isn't natural. Armagedon will befall us and we'll have Keith Richards, Yucca Plants, Cockroaches and Iggy Pop left when it's all said and done.

Yeah but what about old Charlie the drummer? I think he was a fresh cadaver circa 1966! I think they must use a superior brand of formaldahide to preserve that one. I think his drumming skills owe more to Jim Hensen and Co than to the Gods of natural rhythm. He makes Munch's The Scream look like Donny Osmond singing Puppy Love!!!

You know, I think I do recall seeing some strings holding old Charlie up! That whole band is full of walking skeletons. I swear, they were the inspiration for the Grateful Dead's "Touch of Gray" video.

In reply to:

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He makes Munch's The Scream look like Donny Osmond singing Puppy Love!!!

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With this one line, you have won the coveted "funniest thing IndieQueen has read all day" award. Congratulations. A Plaque which is sutiable for framing is on it's way to you as I type this.

*Hey, hey wait, who is this man coming up behind me and what's with the funny white coat he wants me to wear?*

What do these men actually eat? I mean, can you imagine what Keith eats, or Charlie?
They are living skeletons.
I'm wondering how some people abuse their bodies so much and still live on...whereas those who take a bit more care of theirs die.

And how do they manage to get such wives? I mean, can't be just money, can it?

Donny Osmond's Puppy Love is now running in my head...thank you very much guys!

Ahh... the Keith Richards diet. Well, it's a bit expensive, and I imagine it's tough on the nostrils... but it WORKS!!

Gee, no appetite for 30 years... what could have HAPPENED?

(Good Munch joke, Cal!)

Yes the Keith Richards diet sounds just the job for dealing with my deviated septum, it would just burn the whole thing out allowing me to have a new one constructed. Not sure it's for me though as, apart from the expense, the other side effects don't really appeal!

I'm sure it's very easy to write off Keith Richards as a ‘non-dead,’ but how does anyone really know for sure? He's had all the symptoms for the last twenty years. Gaunt pale face, severe lack of breathing... and it looks like rigor mortis has been set in for quite some time. Add that to what they're doing with Elvis and digital technology and well - You just can't be sure these days.

Nostrils, H*ll! I think he's been main-lining for longer than I've been alive.

I suspect he's more like a sieve than anything else..!

How come guys survive with such major drug use anyway? And folks who take care of their health still get visited by the Reaper? Life is strange sometimes.

Heather,

I'm quite sure that the reaper is afraid of Keith Richards. You know how we have nightmares about death, killer clowns what have you? I think death himself has nightmares about Keith Richards. Either that or death takes bribes.

Why does this thread bring out my terminal silliness?

Not sure, but you mean it's like a person a dog would not bite?
IN any case your message brought me to tears...thinking of the Grim one himself disdaining to touch Richards!

Poor old Keith, let's not take the mick (Jagger) too much.

He's always been thin and had an expressionless look. This is almost a trademark of the Rolling Stones instrumentalists when on stage.

A thin figure can sometimes accentuate lines on the face as time marches on. There's not so much under the flesh to fill the lines out. Also, those who have been thin all their lives often do get thinner with age.

No one has much control over their looks.

Signed:
Someone who's always had one of those expressions where, once in a while, people ask if I'm OK, or say I look tired . (Thank goodness I'm not famous.)

Yes Tw, but you don't have hollowed out eyes, do you?

Only first thing in the morning.

Very interesting. I heard a great quote on this from a talk radio host,"When the world ends all that will be left is cock roaches and Keith Richards."