In the spirit of 'Five Quizzes You'd Never Play', I thought I'd introduce a similar thread here in the TV forum, for TV shows you'd never watch.

Here's my pitch for a sitcom that would be sure to have TV execs showing me the door in short order:
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It's a weekly sitcom about a high school marching band from Topeka, Kansas, who witnesses a mafia murder while outside practicing for the Miss Topeka Sunflower parade late one night.

The mob hitmen see that they've been spotted, and begin chasing the band through the alleyways of Topeka. The band manages to get away, thanks to the quick thinking of tuba player and youngest member, Mervin. He ushers them into the back door of his grandfather's shoe repair shop.

The next day at school, the band turns to their music teacher, the easily flappable and always dishevelled Mr. Crankle. He sternly says they must tell police what they saw. No sooner does he utter the words than a brick crashes through his office window, with a note written in blood, saying 'You're next--all of you!". Of course, the band and Mr. Crankle realize they must skip town.

Each week would feature the band in a new location, taking part-time jobs, developing teenaged romances, and always staying one step ahead of the mobsters who are hot on their trail. Every episode would end with a few words of wisdom from Mr. Crankle, like 'We're in a difficult spot, guys, but I know if we all come together, we'll pull through this." Then Mervin would provide comic relief, most often by employing his hilarious catchphrase, 'I think there's something stuck in my tuba'.

Guest stars would include Delta Burke as Mr. Crankle's unlikely love interest, Louie Anderson, as a kindly Baton Rouge ice cream vendor who offers the kids work and promises not to turn them in, and Mackenzie Phillips, as a suspicious social worker in Salt Lake City, who doesn't 'buy' Mr. Crankle's claim that the kids are all his.

And the title, of course, would be 'Band on the Run'.
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What show premises would you never want to see, and what would they be called?

"The County Clerk's Office"

The wild and wacky exploits of a bunch of civil service employees in the County Clerk's office of a populous suburban county. Madcap high-jinks ensue when the Judgment Clerk (Conrad Bain) gets finicky about allowing expert witness fees as taxable disbursements in a malpractice judgment. The Chief Clerk (Dabney Coleman) becomes progressively more livid when the Cashier (Joyce Bulifant) accepts a 2-month post-dated check from a pro se plaintiff, drawn on the National Bank of Chad. The wisecracking Notary Clerk (Rodney Allen Rippy) and the misathropic Fishing License Clerk (Mason Reese) have an ongoing competition as to how many ridiculous excuses they can come up with for "bouncing" perfectly good applications..

Meanwhile, over in the Index Number Department, a budding romance between Index Data Entry Clerk (Shelley Long), and the Head Index Number Supervisor (Dan Hedaya) is thrown off course when a new clerk (Jimmy "JJ Dyno-mite" Walker) is brought on to replace a doddering but otherwise kindly, warm-hearted old civil service lifer (Wilford Brimley).

Special Guest Stars: Rula Lenska, Carmelita Pope, Wayne Knight, Donny Most, Anson Williams, Eddie Mekka, Brandon Cruz, Eve Plumb, Danica McKellar, Jaleel White, Henry Silva,
John Astin, Dave Madden, William Sanderson, Billy Mumy.

LOL....That is hilarious, Cool, but is Conrad Bain still alive?

"The Boards

A classy new sitcom about the participants in an online bulletin board, affiliated to the internet's largest trivi.. er ... make that sports ... website.

Featuring:

George "Norm" Wendt as "Colddownway", lawyer, sarcastic wit and enemy of France.

Callista Flockhart as "Bruyenhilde" - teacher, mother and exile.

Haley Joel Osment as "Britneyrocks", the overenthusiastic teenager with a Pokemon fixation.

Paul Hogan as "Downunder", the Australian sports fanatic who can't stop gloating.

Brigitte Nielsen as Stu the Moderator, who keeps all their wacky antics in check.

Coming soon to an obscure cable channel near you ..."

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'I think there's something stuck in my tuba'.

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That's absolutely priceless!

Conrad Bain MAY be alive
http://www.dead-or-alive.org/dead.nsf/viewdocs-nf/B

although I don't want to speculate whether his career is...

Whoever puts together those great "Dead or Canadian?" quizzes might consider adding him to a new one.

GEORGE WENDT! LOL!

"Cool, wot's shakin?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins"

These are great! 'The Boards'-- I love it! I would actually tune into that one, though. I'm still working on another pitch for the Fox people. In the meantime, here are a few of the titles I've come up with so far, if anyone wants to flesh them out:

'Malcolm X in the Middle'
'Joanie Loves Trotsky'
'Islamabad Squares'
'Who Wants to Be a Milliner?'
'Irregularly-Formed Geometric Shape of Fortune'
'Some People Are Merely Indifferent About Raymond'
'Buffy the Lamprey Slayer'
'SARS Search'

Many thanks to the members of my puzzlers' league for help with some of these titles.

2:30 A.M. -- THE TIME SLOT FROM HELL

(2) Happy Days. Ralph and Potsie debate whether to return overdue library books.

(4) Gilligan's Island. The Professor reviews the proper conjugation of some of the more difficult irregular French verbs with Gilligan, who slips up on "Je suis".

(5) All In The Family. Archie gets drunk and rails about Latvians, Eritreans and Coptic Christians. Special Guest Star: Sherman Hemsley as Anwar Sadat.

(6) HBO Movie. "The Dead Actors' Society" (1997) Sal Mineo, Steve McQueen, George Burns, Raul Julia, Brad Davis, River Phoenix. ****

(7) Mary Tyler Moore. Lou is nominated to compete in a "shoulder hair" contest. Special guest star: Robin Williams

(9) The Brady Bunch. Marcia is paid a surprise visit by a famous US Secretary of State. Special Guest Star: Dean Rusk (as himself).

(11) GIGANTOR: Cruddy, barely animated Japanese cartoon about some stupid robot. Utterly indistinguishable from "TOBOR The 8th Man".

(13) Fawning Over The Famous. An awful, unctuous man with a beard asks Christian Slater what his favorite adverbs and litotes are.

Cool and Magpie - stop giving the producers ideas that they just might run with!

I could swear I've seen some these before.

"The Dead Actors Society" - LOL
Magpie, you are giving Cool a run for his money!!

Try as I may, try as I might, I am unable to top "Buffy the Lamprey Slayer.

This thread is a real hoot--I love it!

Try as I might, I can't come up with any gems to equal what you guys are dreaming up.

Keep it up!

There could be one where a well known gardener dons a space suit in search of intergallactic plants. It could be called Seed Trek - The Next Germination

A spin off from Buffy the Lamprey Slayer would be when she gets turned on by cricket (or baseball) and becomes Buffy the Umpire Layer

A spin off from that would be when Buffy is sent to be brought back from her outrageous behaviour with the umpires, by a group of nuns but escapes onto the roof and it would be called A Little Hussy on the Priory

Lampreys notwithstanding, I will give it another go. Permit me to stray a BIT beyond the sitcom genre if I may.

Lifestyles of the Self-Absorbed and Narcissistic
Watch Normal Guys Date Women With Unactressy Names Who Don't Have Breast Implants
Interview Subejcts Ask Charlie Rose, "What Was The Question Again?"
Laverne and Shirley Discuss Cindy Williams' Subsequent Career
Dr. Zoidberg: Futurama Unbound!
"Grandpa" Al Lewis: Still Alive
"E" Biography: Uncle Miltie...The OTHER Parts of His Anatomy
Unreleased 3 Stooges Episodes Where They Just Grabbed Any Old Bald Guy To Play Curly
Perry and Dave Mason: Do we just disagree, or is it something MORE?
The Ptarmigan Family Starring Ted "Lurch" Cassidy

Damn, I really wanted to make a seventies revival show called 'Fish and CHiPs' starring Abe Vigoda and Erik Estrada, but I just Googled it, and see someone has beaten me to the Ponch, so to speak.

Anyway, here's my next sure-to-be-rejected TV show premise:

'Dirty Laundry', starring Bronson Pinchot as laundromat owner 'Mr. Fabrique'--a sort of modern-day, low budget Mr. Roarke, and Emmanuel Lewis as his Tattooesque assistant and sidekick, 'Soffner'.

Each week, guest stars would enter the laundromat with their dirty clothes, unaware of the emotional journey upon which they are about to embark, all pre-arranged by the mysterious Mr. Fabrique. Is he malevolent? Is he kind-hearted? You never really know....

The first episode (and each following one, should the network pick it up) would feature three storylines: Valerie Bertinelli and Peter Scolari as the Pearsons, a quarreling couple who've come in to wash a patchwork quilt. Viewers will discover the significance behind the quilt--it was given to Mrs. Pearson by her great-grandmother, and she's just discovered it's been soiled by the secret afternoon loving of her husband and her best friend. Somewhere between the rinse and fluff cycles, Mr. Fabrique will help them find the marriage they'd thought they'd lost forever.

The second storyline would feature Annie Potts as Vivian, a plucky, big-city career woman who's come to town to find the daughter she gave up for adoption 26 years ago. On the way to the girl's apartment, Vivian's car breaks down, and she spills motor oil all over her jacket trying to fix the car herself. She stops into Mr. Fabrique's laundromat to give the jacket a quick cleaning. Unbeknownst to her, her daughter is two machines down, doing three week's worth of laundry. They strike up a conversation over styrofoam cups of rancid laundromat coffee, and, noting a striking resemblance, each begins to suspect who the other really is. Will Vivian tell her daughter she's her long-lost mom? Or will she realize the girl is happy, and better off without the truth? Mr. Fabrique knows--and so will viewers if they stay tuned to the end of the show.

Finally, there's Joyce De Witt and Alan Thicke, as former high school sweethearts, Mildred and Steve. Steve's just moved back into town, to start up a new podiatry practice. Mildred's never forgiven him for leaving town on prom night, to attend university in another state. She's bitter about being left behind with a loveless life and tearful memories. There's lots of sexual tension as the two find themselves fighting over the last washing machine. Steve dumps Mildred's whole box of detergent down the drain, and Mildred tosses his clothes across the laundromat--but viewers can see they're not the only things flying! There are still plenty of sparks between this hotheaded pair! Will they throw in the towel and tumble into each other's arms? Or are the stains of the past too deep to ever be washed away? Mr. Fabrique's by dryer # 5, giving a knowing smile, as Soffner folds his socks...so stay tuned!

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Will Vivian tell her daughter she's her long-lost mom? Or will she realize the girl is happy, and better off without the truth? Mr. Fabrique knows--and so will viewers if they stay tuned to the end of the show.

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Will they throw in the towel and tumble into each other's arms? Or are the stains of the past too deep to ever be washed away? Mr. Fabrique's by dryer # 5, giving a knowing smile, as Soffner folds his socks...so stay tuned!

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C'mon Magpie, you can't leave us in the dark like that! How do these storylines end???

"Groundskeeper Willie CSI" Yes, it's a Simpsons spin-off but no, it's not a cartoon, it's live action. Each week Ed Asner stars as gruff & cantankerous Groundskeeper Willie (with a horrible Scottish accent)- school groundskeeper by day, and crime scene investigator for Springfield by night. Sadly, Willie is so exhausted from his day job that he often falls
asleep on the victims from his night job. Also starring Tony Randall as Willie's squeamish assistant.

"Being John Ritter" Based loosely on the film, "Being John Malkovich". A woman (Cloris Leachman) obtains a job on the seven-and-a-half floor of an office building. Behind a filing cabinet, she finds a crawl-space that leads into the mind of actor John Ritter- but only when he's in an automobile!
Co-starring Billy Mumy as John Ritter (the producers couldn't
afford Ritter to play himself).

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C'mon Magpie, you can't leave us in the dark like that! How do these storylines end???

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Okay, well I suppose Vivian will realize she only wanted to meet her daughter, but not to cause chaos in her life. She'll leave town and wait for the daughter to make the first move. Meanwhile, Mildred and Steve will put down the fabric softener and finish what they started all those years ago. Then everyone will leave the laundromat happy, so Mr. Fabrique and Soffner can engage in their witty end-of-show banter. Soffner will say, 'You knew things would work out all along, didn't you Mr. Fabrique?'. Mr Fabrique will say (in his best Roarkean accent), 'Aaaaah, Soffner....one never knows where the heart is concerned. We can predict when the dryer cycle will end, but not how the garments will react with one another'. Then Soffner will say 'You are a very wise man, Mr. Fabrique, but why did these people come here to our laundromat, to air their dirty laundry?'. To which Mr. Roarke will utter the show's tagline: 'Aaaahhhh, Soffner. It all comes out in the wash. It all comes out in the wash.'

Am Hist 101 Meets The American Sitcom in:

SANFORD AND "SLAVE"

Kindly old abolitionist John Sanford (Armin Muller-Stahl) inherits the "slave" Dred Scott (Levar Burton). Sanford files suit in the Federal Courthouse (Raymond Burr), and after achieving a poor result (Tony Danza) at trial, takes the case to the U.S. Supreme Court (Diana Ross). Oral argument (Yeardley Smith) is held before the full bench (Broderick Crawford). Chief Justice Taney (Norman Fell) retires to chambers and drafts an outrageous opinion (Susan Sarandon) which holds that Scott was effectively a non-citizen (Yakov Smirnoff) and accordingly had no right to sue (Betty White) in Federal Court.

Meanwhile, scheming Justice Catron (Peter Falk) leaks the decision to incoming President James Buchanan (Harvey Fierstein), who then makes an arcane reference (Dennis Miller) to it in his inaugural speech. Buchanan proves completely incompetent (Chevy Chase) to run the country, and eventually is replaced by Abraham Lincoln (Fred "Rerun" Berry). Lincoln elects to provision rather than arm Fort Sumter (Rosie O'Donnell), but eventually Civil War (Margaret Cho) breaks out anyway.

Many years later, a few prolific FT quizmakers (John Turturro, John Malkovich, Jon Polito, Jon Lovitz and Michael Richards) make a bunch of quizzes (Jellybean Benitez) about all of the above, and send them en masse to a cadre of harried history eds (Helen Hunt, Anthony Field, and Hugh Grant), who are then forced to spend most of their time running names of obscure battles (Nora Dunn) through the Google (Jean-Claude Van Damme).

History comes alive before your very eyes!!!!

ERR - A prequel to ER when the staff of Chicago's County General Hospital were not very experienced and kept making mistakes.

Strange things happen to the customers of a hairdressing salon when they go in for hair colouring & tints and enter the HIGHLIGHT ZONE

EMOTICON TREK: The crew of the starship wishes to BOLDLY GO WHERE NO SMILIE HAS GONE BEFORE.
Watch the fireworks erupt between "Grin" and "Wink" as the "Puzzled" Graemlin attacks the starship with the question marks radiating from its head!

WELCOME BACK ATTA: Barbarino, Horshack, Epstein and Freddie "Boom-Boom" Washington are dismayed to find, upon returning to school, that Gabe Kaplan has just gotten too old to be in sitcoms any more. The gang's new teacher is an Egyptian wingnut who mutters about the fall of the Ottoman caliphate, makes out odd wills with detailed instructions concerning the disposition of his body after his death, and gives the kids eerie physics problems involving airplanes striking tall buildings in the United States. Special Guest Star: Howard Stern as Osama bin Laden.

THIRD STATE FROM MISSOURI: A group of unusual people turn up suddenly in Nauvoo, Illinois and act somewhat odd. They don't drink coffee, they suggest that Native Americans are the lost tribe of Israel, and they have a strange fixation on Palmyra, NY. They claim to come from a mythical place called "Utah" Starring French Stewart as Brigham Young,
John Lithgow as Garp, and Kirsten Johnson as an extremely tall and white woman.

www.HOWAREYOU.COM The first "CYBERsitcom", this very cutting-edge 21st century laff-a-minute romp chronicles the progress of a bulletin board peopled almost exclusively by members who don't have very much to say to each other. Watch 'em flood the board with discussions about the weather!. Tonight's Episode: "POTTERFAN666 Says 'Hello'".

Rejected tv series titles include :
Champion the Wonder Slug;
Skippy the Beached Tuna;
Inspector Semaphore;
F*L*A*S*H - the story of a group of cleaners during the Korean war;
Halo, Halo - the story of angels resisting the blandishments of Beelzebub;
Cannibal Island - guests are sent to an island near New Guinea and eaten by the residents;
Fiends - the story of a group of serial killers who share their lives and apartments in New York;
Six Feet Over - a quirky dark comedy about some Zoroastrians who live above a funeral parlour;
The Castratos - about a group of film and tv scriptwriters who offend the Italian-American lobby.
Regards, Tin