I've been married for 4 months now, and while we are still in the honeymoon state, reality has set in with my new mother-in-law. Alas she is like the cliches and my husband is not only her only child but lived with her til we moved in and married.

For all those who have been in this situation I'm hoping to lighten my mood with other stories that make my situation seem much better, or tips and tricks with maintaining your cool without lashing out.

Let me site examples of mother-in-law abuse. Two months after we moved in she asked us how often we wash our sheets on the bed. When my husband has left the room she sees this as the time to start an inquisition, the last one she asked how much money i made at my job, and the state of our finances. My cooking has been complained about, the state of cleanliness in the bathroom etc. She disliked our wedding and reception plans and vehemently disagreed with everything (so we went away and got married while on a cruise ship).

Any ideas of what to do?

From what I've heard and read, you need to tell hubby about his mom and her nose into your married life. She doesn't have sense enough, apparently, to know that she is interfering between husband and wife. It is hard for mom to let go and stop "protecting" her son, but she has to realize that he has his own family now.
Good luck to you.

It's time to leave "home." Find a place of your own.

Good advice, McGruff. I spaced it out that they were living at mom's. Definately move to your own home!

Actually we do not live at home. I am in my late 20's and he 30. It's very typical in our area for economical reasons to find some living with their parents until later. He moved out last year. It seems to be a very tough adjustment for his mother to realize her baby boy is gone. He is well aware of his mother's shortcomings and we plan a "chat" in the near future.

I was curious to see if any other's had experiences like we have had.

Yup, mine is pretty similar! The first thing she does when she walks in the house is take the tea-towels to get cleaned. She thinks I never do them so I make sure that I put fresh ones out the day they arrive and ask her what she is doing when she's taking them to the laundry.

She lives a fair way away so it's only two or three times a year that we'll have her here, but it's always for a week or more. The house we live in has been in her husband's family for 100 years and they lived here when they were first married so in a way she feels like it's 'hers' still even though it is our names on the deeds!

It's had mixed results for me but I've told her how things are in our house - no arguments, my house my rules - and whenever she does something away from them I remind her of the rules and so on. I have lost my cool with her but she is so thick skinned it's like water off a ducks back.

Because my hubby and his family were involved in a business together she still thinks that she should know everything about it and often asks about our finacial state which I reply only very vaguley to.

Sorry to tell you, Sebastiancat, but it gets a whole lot worse when kids come into the picture! I'm sure she thinks it's a wonder that I've kept my little bloke alive and well for so long with all the things I seem to be doing wrong with him!

I'll tell you a story that will hopefully make you smile
She was telling me a story about a neighbours sisters exhusband's new wife (or something like that) and said "She's a chubby thing - just like you". Well, I was gobsmaked - the woman doesn't know what tact is! So I bided my time and the perfect opportunity came up weeks later. She is always very nosy and wants to know the full details of a small trip to town or something like that. So she was quizzing me about a person that was with a friend of hers that I mentioned "Who was it? Did he have dark hair, was he tall? How old was he? " So I just said

"Oh, I dunno. He was pretty old. About your age I guess"

You know, I think that mothers-in law are a bit more troublesome to a daughter in law than a son in law...

Something inside some of us tells us that it's normal for a woman to leave home and become part of her husband's family, so with daughters, perhaps we're more likely to accept it more easily. I see it in my family.

But sons? You're basically stealing their babies...I don't normally indulge in that sort of thing, but, it got worse when I had kids...
I know I'm pretty fortunate in coming through this unscathed though 25 years after stealing her son, my in laws still consider me their second daughter and probably are more likely to tell me things than they tell their children.

Recently I played the flute for her sister's one hundredth birthday, and while searching desperately for a song that the older folks would recognize from the two wars after all, I came across "Yes We Have No bananas" which is a private joke between us...she hates bananas as their grocery store carried bananas...and she got sick of them...and when I fed my daughter bananas as a baby, she accused me of feeding her the wrong sort of thing...and we had a major blow up!
I was cracking up as I played it too..then could see she saw the humour in it. It's become a family legend.

What I like about her, is she has this youthful side, that, I think I'm one of the only ones who sees it!
So I think that one of the ways to deal with this is to realize that when you marry their son, you're taking her place...even if no one acknowledges it...so, I never ever compared my cooking to hers, couldn't if I tried, I always bowed down to her competency in things and also, I found she had more compassion for me as a working mother than many people I know. The less I acted like a rival, the better.

Your situation sounds explosive though..oh yes, please don't forget that if you complain too much to your hubby about it...you're basically criticizing the way she brought him up..you cannot expect him to agree deep inside him.
These are the things I've gleaned over the years.

Well my Mother -In Law passed away not long ago and I never shed a tear.
She insulted my parents once in a letter to my hubby and I never forgave her for it
She had three married sons and she expected to be waited on hand and foot whenever she came to visit.
It didn't matter if you had worked hard all day there she sat when you got home waiting for you to make her tea and pamper her or chauffeur her around like she was a queen.
Also as she had been a chef in bush camps nothing you ever cooked was right or tasty or had any class.
None of her daughter's in laws could stand her and we all made a vow and kept it, that because she loved to play bridge and wanted us to learn how, we wouldn't do it and I can proudly say to this day none of us has.

I wish you good luck and I hope you and your mother in law can work out your problems and come to a workable solution that will be mutually beneficial to all involved.
PF

My mother has two different points-of-view about her.
My oldest brother has been married for 30 years, and his wife looks at my mother as the wicked witch of the north. No-one knows exactly why this is so, but it is at the ridiculous stage that Mum hasn't seen his two kids since 1995.
I'm the baby of the litter, so you would think that we'd have the problem of over-protection. Not so, however. My mother realised early that my wife could look after me in the manner that I could become accustomed to ( ) and leaves us to do our own thing, offering to help when asked, but just being there otherwise.
In retrospect, I think Mum was glad to get rid of me!

In India, the problem of harassment of a woman by her in-laws is extremely common, mainly because of arguments regarding dowry.

Here's an article I found online that explains things:

Quote:

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The practice of a woman giving a "dowry" or gift to a man at *marriage is said to have had its origins in the system of streedhan (woman's share of parental wealth given to her at the time of her marriage). As a woman had no right to inherit a share of the ancestral property, streedhan was seen as a way by which the family ensured that she had access to some of its wealth. There is no clear proof as to when this practice was first started in India.

What began as gifts of land to a woman as her inheritance in an essentially agricultural economy today has degenerated into gifts of gold, clothes, consumer dur-ables, and large sums of cash, which has sometimes entailed the impoverishment and heavy indebtedness of poor families. The dowry is often used by the receiving family for business purposes, family members' education, or the dowry to be given for the husband's sisters. The transaction of dowry often does not end with the actual wedding ceremony, as the family is expected to continue to give gifts.

It was only in the middle of the 1970s that the women's movement and other human rights groups exposed the perniciousness of the system in India, when it was realized that there were an increased number of "accidental kitchen deaths" of young married women. The first reports to the police were often registered as suicides or accidents. The available statistics of dowry death are chilling and disturbing.

Initially, women's groups protested individual cases of dowry deaths. A national campaign focused on humiliating and socially boycotting the families in these cases. The campaign also demanded that mysterious deaths be presumed to be murders until investigated and proved otherwise by the police. The demand for special cells of women police officers to head investigations of dowry murders led to an amendment of the outdated Dowry Prohibition Act of 1961, which was later further amended so that all streedhan gifts (both movable and immovable) had to be registered in the wife's name at the time of the marriage. Unfortunately, in India basic attitudes to female life have remained unchanged, and the dowry is seen as a bribe to the son-in-law to keep the daughter, who after a certain age is totally unwanted in her parental home. Families often know that they are virtually signing a death warrant when they give their daughter in marriage, and yet, they do so.

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My God! This is just one more reason NOT to get married!
Mike

I just felt I had to answer some of these posts with my experience. My mother - in - law is turning 85 today, and in poor health. She has been nothing but good to me, made me feel welcome right from the first. Our visits are usually brief, so nobody gets on anyone else's nerves, but if people can treat each other with some respect this can be one of the best relationships in your life. You both love the same man, and can be helpmates, rather than rivals. After all, she raised him, and you obviously think he's pretty great, so she must have done some things right.
On the subject of unwanted advice - just because someone gives advice, it doesn't mean that you are obligated to take it! Just say "Thanks, I'll maybe try that" and then go on with your life. Or better still, why not take some of the advice? Sometimes people with some experience really do know something that can help you.

I think that's what I was trying to say, though I know it's so damn trying to put up with some of the stuff and I feel for you, now after so many years, I feel as though I had to reach into myself and realize how she must have felt.
Quite frustrating to give everything for your family..then, when the kids leave you and another person takes your place symbolically...it must kind of tug on you!

I know I had my run ins, oh yes, she once cleaned the house and rearranged the furniture while I was away...talk about territory battles! But, now that she's older, I try to bring out her girlish side..make her laugh..like playing the bananas song!
I also try my hardest to make the beds her way, then expect her to go in and rearrange those cushions on there...the doilies...argggh!
But now, I try to make her laugh, forget her cares, I figure that's what I'd like from any people who enter my kids' lives.

Thank you all for your wonderful suggestions as well as antecdotes. It's always a relief to know that you aren't the one and only person in the world experiencing this situation.

The blending of families has been the hardest adjustment to make in our marriage. My personality style and my husband's differ in certan areas, and I have to constantly remind myself that the way I deal with the situation is not always the right way to deal with this particular one.

The mother-in-law's birthday is next week and we have been chosen to host the party by the rest of the family member's. So I will make a solemn vow today to not go into this expecting the worst and try to maintain a positive attitude. At least this way I can say I tried my hardest and put the effort forth.

Dear Sebastiancat,

My mother-in-law is okay most of the time but we've certainly had our run-ins. She is quite overbearing but in her eyes, she is being supportive and even though the things she does are irritating, I know she really has our welfare at heart. It's easier to deal with knowing that there is no malice intended.

One tactic which has always worked for me is just to verbally agree with her advice, and then do exactly what I wanted to anyway. "Yes, you're right, the bathroom's a mess. I'll clean that as soon as you're gone" (All said with a smile). Then clean it when you darn well feel like it!

Copago gave good advice when she said to be vague. My MIL has never asked about our finances or how much I make, but if she did I'd give a vague answer like "Oh, it varies" and change the subject.

Copago is also right when she said it gets worse when you have kids. I got along pretty well with my MIL until my daughter came along. Then she turned into the grandmother from hell. This is where we had our run-ins as I made it perfectly clear that I was bringing up my daughter my way. But most of the time I just accepted her advice and then did as I pleased.

It's best not to put your husband in a position where he has to choose between the two of you. I only ever did that once when my MIL really crossed the line and I am lucky that my husband supported me totally - but it's a risky thing to do.

My MIL doesn't like animals and we have a menagerie. She never misses an opportunity to make her opinions about animals known. I turn a deaf ear to it. (When I announced I was pregnant, the first thing she said was "Of course you'll get rid of the cats now, won't you". Me: "No, why should I?" MIL: "What if the baby's allergic to animals?" Me: "Well, it's unlikely since neither hubby nor I are. Anyway, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it". MIL responded by clipping out magazine articles about animal allergies and babies. Our daughter was subsequently diagnosed with asthma. More magazine clippings. I retaliated with clippings showing that recent studies indicate no link between asthma and animals, pets being beneficial to kids ... fight fire with fire!)

It wouldn't hurt to actually ask her opinion about some things (can she recommend a good plumber, where's the best place in town to buy electrical appliances, etc). She's probably got loads of good advice and by asking her opinion, she'll feel valued and included in your life, which is bound to be beneficial to your relationship. She's probably feeling a bit bereft now her only son is gone.

Hmmm! I have had two. One was an angel (told me I didn't nag her son enough(!!), the other is the MIL from hell. The only thing I suppose I learned from her is how to try to be a good MIL yourself. Luckily, I only have daughters and luckily I have the sweetest Sons in Law in the world... they tell my daughters off if they step over the line with me ("Don't be rude to your mother" etc). Maybe we need to hear from some MILs... are there any more of us out there?

I was going to write something funny about my ex. MIL in order to cheer you up sebastiancat. If you have children and you separate from your spouse it does not necessarily mean your dealings with 'granny' are over. You may want to think about the full horror of that one in the privacy of your own home. Anyway I had a think about my long association with her, and then I thought some more and I realised I could not think of a single funny story. Painful ones, embarrassing ones, sad ones but no funny ones. The more I thought about it the more I realised there are very few choices in how to deal with the situation and most of those come down to murder or suicide. I am told that garlic can sometimes be effective but in my case she ate it and spent the evening breathing all over me.

I've had 2 mothers-in-law; the first was my wife's step-mother, but lived so far away that the occasional visiting was a pleasure.
My current MIL lives far enough away so that I see her only at Christmas.
I've never had the problem of having to live in the same house with the in-laws, but I have sympathy for those who do. It can really strain a marriage if the mom and newby daughter don't get along.

At the risk of being as non-pc as Bernard Manning, I think that your signature may hold the secret to good relations with the MIL fjohn

Plus duct tape is good when you run out of depilatory for your legs.

I still maintain that MIL are harder on the woman who takes their sons than the man who takes their daughters...I've seen it a million times.
I'm out of the loop for my family really, I get to play prodigal daughter...and have them open the fatted tofu for me..but, the son in laws get a better time of it than the daughters in law.

I actually have a good time with mine...but it also is a matter of being the reed instead of the oak..not hard when you have a lady who cooks really divine things.

Copago, I just remembered at one point..she sent me into near tears...by saying, "off your diet are you?" And I reached inside me..and said, "just for a while...not to worry;"
seems like this relationship sometimes reduces women to catty remarks and herd instincts.

I just bring her round by cracking jokes or stories...it works every time.

Since this is the Useful Tips and Tricks forum, I'm going to have to add your suggestions that duct tape is not only good to wrap around the MIL's mouth but also to rip the hair from your legs! Should probably add that biting on a few rolled-up laps of duct tape before ripping said hairs will keep the neighbors from phoning the police.

Sebastiancat, just in case you were considering moving, it doesn't work. We moved from California to Western Australia. MIL followed us and now lives two blocks away.

Aah mothergoose you just broke my heart We live in a neat aparment right now, but plan on buying a house within the next year or so. Right now we live within 20 minutes of the MIL and my husband is consistently being called by her to come over and mow the lawn fix something etc. Now she is not elderly, only in her late 50s and has just retired. With idle time on her hands it appears those hands keep reaching for the telephone to call my husband. Oddly enough she will not call at home (for fear of speaking to me I suppose) and instead will only call her son's cell phone--during work mind you.

I think duct tape may be the answer (what a perfect birthday present that would be) as is a huge dose of humor. I will be challenged this weekend and I hope to rise to the challenge. My husbands family (includes his grandmother, uncle and partner and aunt) have been very supportive and understanding considering the uncle's partner experienced the same thing I did to a different degree. We go vent together and roll our eyes.

If anything this has taught me that when we have children I will do my best not to be the MIL from hell!

I speak now as a divorced woman.

I married the only child of a woman who gave birth in her late 30's, he was in his early 30's when we married. A week after the marriage we went to stay with the in-laws for a few days in order to have a party for those unable to come to our wedding. Oh, first thing was AT the wedding ceremony, the Registrar did the usual first use of my married name, he offered me the marriage certificate - my MIL stood up to take it as she was the only person of that name she knew.

The day after the party I was with her in the kitchen washing the dishes, she said "I wish he had married Elizabeth". I felt SO sorry for her, she could obviously have cut out her tongue for voicing that, she must have thought that she was talking to her sister! Poor woman my eye, she came to stay with us about six months later, we were in the kitchen when she said "I wish that he had married Elizabeth", I replied "So do I". She looked gobsmacked!

After a few years I made a fatal mistake, I got pregnant. By this time she was about 73 and her husband a few years older, this would be their only grandchild (or so they thought). We were in the process of purchasing and renovating a large house, they decided to come and live in the end of it (Jersey law meant they had to live en-famille). They knew no-one else here, just us.

You just don't want to know the hell that was my life, she used to walk through the connecting door without so much as a by your leave, she even appeared at my bedroom door. I almost had a nervous breakdown, the hubbie ended up telling her to enter the house by the outside door, we locked the connecting door and to heck with the law.

Their 'bit' was between me and the gate, she lived in the windows, the house was only one room deep so she had three windows to her downstairs room and wherever I was she was at the window. She used to take in my washing if it rained until I told her to leave it, that I wouldn't put it out if I was not prepared for it to get wet. She commented on what I did put on the washing line so I decided to give her something to look at. I went shopping to buy some 'special' underwear. What a time I had, I washed virtually every bit of matching lingerie that I owned, bras, slips, French knickers, suspender belts (do you call them garter belts in the States?), about ten sets then my special purchases, a lacy teddy with button fastening underneath and a pair of blue fleecy directoire knickers such as old grannies used to wear many years ago!! For those of you who do not know what they are, they come to just above the knee, granny's bloomers. Her face was a picture, she never asked!

I haven't seen her for some years, she is now 98.

I divorced the wife and kept the Mother in law. She was my son's grandmother and I was his father, and nothing in the world was going to change that. She was a great help to me through some very difficult times and I miss her dearly.