Oh Sue...my grousing and complaining is nothing compared to you. OUr shining moment was our wedding. I have no family and am new to the area so didn't know many people. I never wanted a big wedding and was afraid that the entire church or wedding hall would be filled with his family only and on my side would be a scattering of people. Because of my lack of family representation we decided to elope and marry aboard a cruise ship, and have a small reception upon our return. When we told the MIL she completely freaked out and told us we were stupid and our ideas were crazy. I have never been so upset in my life---literally shaking at the dinner table (no sharp objects or duct tape within reach darn it). We had our way and i was so relieved. Her last act of domination was to make my husband get not only the cruise boat we were on but the room number and our port locations.

I felt vindicated after our reception. She gave us a belated wedding gift of a beautiful clock that had our names, date of the wedding and location inscribed on it. She got the location wrong, only my husband didn't have the heart to tell her or let me know he hadn't told her. So at the next family gathering she turned to me and asked how I liked the clock. I replied that it was beautiful but we haven't hung it up yet since we have not found a way to elegantly cover up the location since it was wrong. She argued that we got married in that location because we talked about it so much. I had to explain to her that the place we got married in we couldn't see because we were busy getting married. As for the place inscribed on the clock, we saw plenty of it since it was not the marriage location. She was incensed we hadn't told her. I gently instructed her that she had the invitiation which told her where and when we were to be getting married and she asked at least 50 times from our engagement til we left where we were getting married. That simple act of being wrong and her knowing it made that whole month for me---and I wasn't mean to her. The joys of being in the right!

This is all making me feel quite fortunate, and honestly...I think my mother in law feels quite the same about me...she uses tu or the familiar with me whereas many colder French ones won't...it's the custom, mind you..but, in that generation, I hear very few who flaunt convention...

I heard of one lady in a village here, whose husband was forty and a wealthy older family in Alsace...very narrow minded..they rarely have many kids so as not to share the money...she came from a village down on the plains and we were all in the foothills of the mountains...amazingly enough this made a difference to them!
So the new mother in law gave them a bit of the house, then lived in the attached house..and made my boisterous friend utterly miserable! Called her a wrinkled bottom or the equivalent of plains dweller as they're up to their necks in water during flooding, all sorts of reproaches to her ability to take care of said son...
arggggh!
Mine's an angel, never thought I'd say that either!
My mother in law takes special care not to serve me anything I don't like..walnuts, roquefort...organ meats..and makes me the dishes I do...I'm feeling spoilt now!
And my father in law is a great guy...
I do feel for anyone in such an awkward situation...but, if you can turn the cheek, you'll manage...otherwise...there's always the her or me thing...I've know people who got to that point.

My husband's mother never married (interesting story) so she is one of those persons who made her son her whole entire life and is just having a super tough time letting her go.

I certainly don't begrudge him helping her out around the house, as I realize one day I may need that help too. I just have to learn to "turn the other cheek" and realize what can let slide off me and what requires a response.

Three weeks after my beautiful new daughter was born my mother-in-law had to do a family tree for a course she was taking...I wasn't on it, but my daughter was. The cruelest thing about this was that I never needed to know it, but she told me all about it. Twelve years later she made a family photo album for her other son who was getting married, I wasn't in that either. In between times there have been lots of interesting slights and fights, including the time that her favourite daughter sold them life insurance on MY kids, without any input from either my husband or I. When we refused to sign the papers to finalize the deal (a legal requirement in Canada), I was the witch!!! And she wonders why I'm not frothing at the bit to spend time with her!

I must say that I did learn something from my MIL, how NOT to behave with my children's partners.

My daughter's partner says that I am 'not bad' mind you he is very easy to get on with and I couldn't have found her a nicer man if I had tried.

1) The Shrug and Smile - "Mmmmm...and this is the way I do it."

2) The Question and the Smile... "How would you...?"

Number 1 is the reply for unsolicited advice.

Number 2 is the request for advice you don't really care about.

Just keep it up for a while and you'll end up liking each other!

Finally, a place where I can share my first Mother-in-law experience!

My husband and I dated for about 2 years before he joined the service and while he was away at boot camp he called me up on the phone (Thanksgiving, no less) and proposed. Of course with distance between us there was no way to plan a proper wedding, which suited me fine as I don't think of myself as the traditional type. He took time away from the Army to come home over the holidays and also to marry me before he had to report to his next duty station. So here we were on Christmas day at his grandmother's house with a houseful of his family and he decides he's going to tell his mother that we plan to marry first. I objected that this was news to be shared with everyone but he felt differently. He took her upstairs alone, into a bedroom and behind closed doors he "broke the news" to her. I waited alone downstairs expecting some joy when she returned to the party but instead she came down the steps in tears calling for her husband and daughters to get their coats, they're leaving! His grandmother is confused as she has no clue what's been going on and out the door his mother, step-father and sisters went. No "congratulations" or "welcome to the family" or even "Merry Christmas" for that matter. The next day or so later he gets a call from his grandmother telling him what a great Christmas gift he gave his mother. We ended up getting married New Year's Eve day by a judge alone with no guests (save for my best friend and her husband, who stood up for us as witnesses).

I have mixed feelings about this whole thing. I understand now that she must have felt like I was stealing her son from her, but it didn't have to be that way. I lost my own mother when I was 14 and looked forward to being part of a family. For years the resentment I had for the way I was treated was further solidified by the carefully worded cards I'd get on holidays that were signed "fondly". Gratefully we lived states away from her as we are an Army family, but whenever we'd go home for the holidays I always felt that somehow my presence was merely tolerated for the sake of a visit with her son. When he was stationed in Korea for a year I'd make it a point to visit her and her family as a gesture of kindness. Her demeanor to me was "cool" to say the least. I would even go out of my way to make visits to his grandmother, who is a pill. She is up in years and certainly set in her ways so there's not much I can do to change the way she feels about me but once during a visit she recalled that day as "Fatal Christmas" (!!!!!) but made me swear never to repeat that to her daughter as she would be so upset. I was floored. Let's not upset your daughter, but to hell with my feelings! This has festered with me for years now. I have certainly paid my dues in this family and it took about 10 years to get half an apology from her for this ongoing behavior. I only began to feel the chill thaw once I had my son. Maybe then she realized I was here to stay. Now, 13+ years into our marriage and my husband is currently deployed to the Middle East. I am in the process of moving home with my son to live with her if you can believe it. Things have certainly changed and I have begun to feel like a part of the family. Now her girls are grown and this treatment has shifted to their boyfriends. I pity these boys to a degree as I know first-hand how hard it can be, but I'm glad it's not me. Some might wonder why I'd even bother after all those years, but I do it more for my son than anything else. Having his daddy be gone for at least a year is hard enough without a family's support. Let's hope I can make it through with my sanity!!

Oh boy, and I thought that I had the m-i-l from hell but yours beats mine hands down and backwards. Don't let her steal your son from you, she might want him as a son-substitute.

You do have an advantage now that you didn't have earlier, you have your son, if she is too dificult with you then she risks you moving out and taking him with you.

It's funny now Sue. When she's driving home from work and needs someone to chat with on the lengthy drive it's me she calls! Not her son, but me. It took years to reach that level of acceptance. Now that I feel I have my footing I tip-toe less around her and am very forthcoming with my feelings. I just wish my hubby would have spoken up for me years ago, but I know he never will as she raised him alone with no help from his father. He's no shrinking violet but he respects her too much to ever take issue with her or his grandmother for that matter. At least I know he was raised right! I think to some degree she knows she was wrong to me but I won't ever confront her with it as I was raised to be respectful of my elders too. You are right though as I would think nothing of keeping my son from her. It's passive-aggressive, I know. I don't have the heart to do it to my son. My own mother has been gone for 23 years and my dad too for longer, so he has no grands on my side or close family to speak of. It would only hurt him to withhold them from him. It's tempting sometimes though.

Wow, what horror stories. I had the reverse problem. I'm a guy and my former mother-in-law was the inspiration for Cruella DeVille. I'm here to tell you - just like you can't hope to 'change' the person you're going to marry, you won't be able to change your in-laws either. They'll be like toe nail fungus; there will be periods when they'll disappear for while, but they're never really gone. They'll flare up worse than before.

The person who has to enter the fray is your new husband. He has to define the boundaries of the relationship for all concerned. He is, after all, the 'source' of the problem, the one loved by all. He has to assure his mother that his saying "I do" to a new wife doesn't mean a loss of love for her. And any special circumstances must be reinforced--if she required special help due to a disability, assure her that it will continue. And he should reinforce with Mom that he is now a couple; inclusion in family events, holidays, etc. are for Bill AND Sue, not just Bill. And he should be alert for any verbal barbs that may occur; this seems to be a genetic condition among mothers-in-law.

Hopefully, the spouse's intervention early in the engagement will help the new wife gain the strength through her husband's support to stand up for herself in a positive, non-combattive way. 'Cause I'm here to tell ya that the snake will save her most potent venom for when you are alone. Then don't give in to temptation and attack like a mongoose, just remind her how fat she is. Or tell her that the spa just got a new belt sander so now she can have manicures. Or that Botox just introduced a half-gallon size so she can have the wrinkles and potholes in her face fixed.

O and, if you hadn't noticed, a sense of humor is a must. Though she didn't like me, my ex-mother-in-law admitted I always had a smile for her. She should only know what I was thinking (and sometimes said) that created the smile.

Brilliant as always.

In his support, I must say that my ex did read the riot act to his mother when it was discovered that she was affecting my health. She was told in no uncertain terms that if she continued to upset me she was out of the door and on the next 'plane. Needless to say that she did continue to interfer and I didn't have the heart to insist that she be removed from our home.

This is thread is very old, she was 98 then, she is now 101 and still won't die!

My ex married the woman from hell, after me that is, and I smile when I realise that she is having to put up with a senile m-i-l as my ex moved her out of the care home that she had been in for many years and into their family home. I bet she cost him a small fortune.

I was lucky with my second mother-in-law. She was wonderful. Maybe she was just grateful that, at 42 her son had finally found someone to marry. She didn't even comment on the fact that I was much younger than her son.

My husband however hadn't lived with his mother for many years. He had actually been working overseas for almost about 8 years before coming back and soon after starting a relationship with me. My mother-in-law knew me well, and liked me, before my relationship with her son started.

Having her for a mother-in-law made up the terrible relationship I have with my own mother. I have only seen my mother five times since I was 15 and on two of those occasions (once a wedding, another a funeral) we didn't even talk.

The only problem I ever had with my mother-in-law was when she grew to0 old to cope she refused to leave her house and come and live with us. This meant us leaving Tasmania (where we had lived for nearly 10 years) and spending 5 years in a country town to be near her. I was terrible homesick. I also had to look after 2 houses, hers and ours, and who likes to do that much housework.

I got on reasonably well with my first mother-in-law until the marriage ended. My husband had been driving dangerously and crashed the car. I was 8 months pregnant and badly injured and as a result my baby died soon after he was born. My mother-in-law somehow managed to blame me, rather than her son, for the baby's death. The baby was cremated while I was still in hospital and my mother-in-law kept the ashes. When I was well enough to leave the hospital I walked out away from them to a new life.

And good for you, too.

I got to admit that some of my first mothers-in-law's nastiness might have been as a result of grief over losing her grandchild. She was really looking forward to being a grandmother. I also do not know exactly what her son told her about the accident. She did know that he and I were arguing before we got into the car.

Kuu, I am so sorry to hear of your painful loss. My heart goes out to you.

Strangely it wasn't that painful. People find that hard to believe but as I was seriously injured at the time the baby's death seemed somehow unreal. I never saw him at all. When I left the hospital I was numb.Even today that baby seems like it beonged to someone else not me. My whole first marriage seems like a very distant memory.

I'm truly sorry to hear your story. Everybody handles grief differently and I imagine somehow your numbness to it has to be some kind of psychological defense mechanism. The fact that your ex-MIL behaved that way is abominable. Certainly her loss cannot compare to yours and she had no right to take the action she did. It sounds to me that you were wise to walk away from that family. Best of luck to you in your new life.

It never ceases to amaze me that people can be that cruel. With everything that you went through, all she could think about was herself.
Good for you for making the break and starting again. I'm glad that your second marriage is so much better - you deserve some happiness.