Phoenix Phil, Arizona's official groundhog, was buried alive beneath a recently constructed K Mart parking lot. Therefore, he did not appear on Groundhog Day and forecast the weather by looking for his shadow.

"That groundhog, he was a gonner," explained Joe "Tent City" Arpeeoo, Maricopa County Sheriff.

"There is no precedent for the groundhog not showing up," said Arizona State Senator John Dumbreak, "so we don't know what this means for sure." Dumbreak introduced legislation to designate Randy the Rattlesnake as the official February 2nd weather prognosticator for Arizona.

The legislation was passed in emergency session. "Problem is, rattlesnakes ain't got no shadow," noted Arpeeoo.

Baja Arizona neo-luddites were thrilled at the news that Phoenix's groundhog ended up beneath six inches of asphalt. "Maybe, in retribution, God will punish their progress-mad leaders and bury Phoenix under 3,000 feet of snow," commented Ned Ludlight, local luddite leader. "More likely they'll end up with 12 more years of summer," quipped Joe Sam.

Frightened Phoenix Chamber of Commerce officials frantically dug in the parking lot until well after dawn on the 2nd, hoping that the groundhog could be found. K Mart officials were not amused at having their parking lot torn up.

"Using a rattlesnake as our February 2nd weather critter doesn't send the right message out about Arizona" explained Sonja Sellem, with the Phoenix Chamber. The rattlesnake appeared at dawn, and bit a television news anchor on the ankle.
Film at 10.

Memorial services for Phil were held in the parking lot.

Copyright 1997 by Hugh Holub.