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Dear Sir,

I am arrive by passenger train at Ahmedpore station, and my belly is too much swelling with jack fruit. I am therefore went to privy, Just as I doing the nuisance, that guard making whistle blow for train to go off and I am running with lotah in one hand and dhotie in the next hand. I am fall over and expose my shockings to man, females, woman on platform. I am get leaved at Ahmedpore station.

This too much bad, if passenger go to make dung, that dam guard no wait train 5 minutes for him. I am therefore pray your honour to make big fine on that guard for public sake, otherwise I am making big report to papers.

Yours faithful servant

Okhil Ch. Sen

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SIMRAN BHARGAVA
Saturday , May 17, 2003
TODAY'S COLUMNIST
Indian English has a charm and eccentricity all its own, quite unmatched anywhere in the world
We Are Like This Only: Flavours Of Indian English
There is a conspiracy afoot to get us to speak perfect English, going by the number of advertisements in the papers for English language training. To correct our voice and diction, get our grammar straightened out, make our sentences march in neat little lines like soldiers.

Basically to take the Indian out of our English.

Please stop them, someone. Indian English has a masala not found in any other English in the world. I am lobbying to let it take its place as another kind of legitimate English, not as an incorrect version of real English. Like Indian food, Indian English has real flavour. Where else would they say things like:

* Don’t stand in front of my back.
* A cow gives milk which we drink. Therefore it is our mother.
* Who took the breeze out of my cykill?
* Will you have some tea-shee? biscuit-viscuit?
* Why aren’t you kneel-downing?
* Hurry-upping ma’am.
* Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the windows and let the Air Force come in.

Or the gentleman on the flight who told the stewardess: “I am vegetable but my wife is not and I will drink a Walking Johnny.”

Or my yoga teacher who guides us into shavasana by saying: “Now be relax. Loose your body, loose your arms, loose your face. Let the breathe come in from the nostril and look at your breathe.”

Or the nosey but well-meaning Punjabi couple, who within minutes, wanted to know everything about my life: “Pinky, are you married? Any issues? What does your husband do? What salary is he making? Where do you live? We live in Patel Nagar, right above Bhasin tailors, please come over. Do you like pickle, you can be having mine.”

Or the school Principal who gave this speech: “The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day you will become great phools.”

And here, some more beauties collected over the years from various sources:

This is an excerpt from an essay on ’The Cow’ written by a candidate for the UPSC exam. He got through successfully:

“THE COW: The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadruped and because he is female, he give milk but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, but sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, whey and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobler, watermans and mankind generally.”

This speech was given by a new schoolmaster who was transferred from a rural area to a school in Mumbai:

“Leddies and gentulmens, childrens. This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. I wanted to joint your school more fastly but wire-man came and gave a telegram massage for me. I got real sock when I read that my feverish and weekly mother became very dangerous. By the time I reached, she had finished. Doctor said me that, before she passed out, the pulls of hand was faster and her breadth became longer. I asked doctor if my mother was in her senses when she died. Doctor said she had sense till 9 o’clock a.m. in the night, but was non-sense by 10 o’clock..”

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This is an excerpt from The Inscrutable Americans by Anurag Mathur. This is part of a letter written by the protagonist who has just arrived in the USA:

“Dear Brother,
Greetings to respectful parents. I am hoping all is well with health and wealth. I am fine at my end. Hoping your end is fine too...Younger brother, I am having so many things to tell you that I am not knowing where to start. Most surprising thing about America is it is full of Americans...The flight is arriving safely thanks to God’s grace and Parents’ prayers and mine too. I am not able to go to bathroom whole time because I am sitting in corner seat as per revered grandmother’s wish....Many foods are being served in carts but I am only eating cashew nuts and bread because I am not knowing what is food and what is meat.”

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This letter, taken off the Net, was received by Ramesh Mahadevan by his bosom buddy from India:

“Hey Ramesh there!

Bhat man, no nooj fram you far lang time? Bhat mater eej? Hab you forgotten me? Myself, Deepak Khanna from IIT Kanpur. Same Kolege, same nolej, yaar. Hee hee...Arrey bhai, yesterday I go restaurant and they ask, what bil you hab? Cadberry? Papsee? Or one bottle Thunderbolt?

Talking of alcohol, do you know there are three kinds of beer in India? One you drink, one you sleep with (called ’taddy bear’) and one you having nothing to do with, since you cannot ’beer’ it...

I am not knowing if you are doing the understanding?”

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And this letter, displayed in the National Railway Museum, was written by an irate traveller in 1909 to the Sahbiganj Divisonal Office, West Bengal, after which train compartments came to have attached toilets:

“I am arriving by passenger train from Ahmedpur Station and my belly is too much swelling with jackfruit. I am therefore went to privy. Just I doing the nuisance that guard making whistle blow for train to go off and I am running with “lotah” in one hand and “dhoti” in the next when I am fall over and expose all my shocking to man and female on the plateform. I am got leaved at Ahmedpur station.

This too much bad. If passenger go to make dung that dam guard not wait train five minutes for him. I am therefore pray your honour to make big fine on that guard for public sake. Otherwise I am making big report to papers.

Your faithfully servent

Okhil Ch.Sen”

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So, you see what I mean. This is our English. We created it very hardly. It took us two hundred years. Please don’t treat this matter laughingly. Join the lobby to save Indian English.

Kindly do the needful and oblige.

Simran Bhargava has been a writer and editor for several years. She writes a weekly column on the business of life. She can be contacted at simranonsaturday@yahoo.co.in

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(This article has been taken from The Financial Express, an Indian weekly.)