Lately I have come across a few skeptics that think that love on the net cannot work.

I personally know that it can, but it really depends on the two people involved in the internet relationship.

Of course meeting eventually is a high priority, but I think as with dating in person, things should be taken at a slow and even pace.

Do you think internet relationships can work?
If so, why or why not?

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Agnes (JTJ)

I think that these relationships can succeed. It is sometimes much easier for teens to talk on the telephone than it is face to face, so some adults can probably communicate more effectively on-line. At least curiousity can be satisfied on a personal level as a precursor to a more personal relationship.
The 'dangers' are that either person can be lying through their teeth or covering some fatal flaw that would be an obvious romance killer if they met face to face.
I'm married and way past the age of dating, anyway, but it would be an updated version of pen-pal communication without the dating that some would prefer.
Since you, JuniorTheJaws, have had success with internet romance you could offer some 'do's' and don'ts.'

I have been there and have the t-shirt as they say. Some work, some don't - much the same as other relationships.

As fjohn has said, they can lie and you could get a nasty shock at some time in the future, it took a whole year for me to find the snag. Mind you, most of that year was fun and I don't really regret it, just glad that I found out the unpleasant truth before getting in deeper. I guess that had it not been an internet relationship he could have had the same flaw.

What I do believe is that internet relationships can develop faster than normal relationships due to the speed of communication and that it is so easy to talk to someone you might never meet so you tell them things you wouldn't face to face.

Enjoy it Agnes, if it goes wrong then it does, so might a more local relationship. Yours could be one that works out well.

I'm a skeptic.

In my opinion, there's nothing like meeting a person face-to-face, and that is probably the essence of a relationship. Its always more satisfying to have something tangible that you can call 'your own', and when it is a virtual relationship, sometimes the feelings involved may seem real, but are actually also virtual.

The physical relationship is an essential part of the emotional relationship. If you like someone very much, but are not attracted to them, the relationship goes sour. If all you have is attraction, but you have nothing to talk about - also, crash and burn. One compliments the other, and its hard to have just one side of that coin. It has to be fulfilled eventually.

When you feel sad, and really need someone to hug you, and tell you that everything is going to be all right, can you really tell me that this 'internet-significant-other' is going to be there immediately? What if they are not online? What if it takes a couple of days for you to tell them about what happened? It loses from its meaning, and you work things out on your own, and feel just a little bit more resentful that they were not able to be there for you. In another case, something really great has happened, and you are bursing with anticipation to share that with someone. But your virtual bf/gf is not there... so the event loses a bit of its joy.

So you have a relationship with a person you've never seen before in your life. In your mind, you've drawn a mental picture, not of what they really look like, but of what you want them to be. That's even if you HAVE seen a picture of them. People tend to idealize, and work themselves up, and when you finally do get to meet, it turns into an anticlimax. You build up all of these expectations, even fantasize about what its going to be like, but when faced with reality, it hardly reaches the ankles of all those expectations.

I'm not blasting all relationships. Some of the most interesting people I've met have been over the internet (yes, quite a few from FT), but I really don't think that you can get to know a person that well from e-mail and chatting and whatnot... If it works for some people, then hats off to them, but I really doubt that it could work for me.

Distance may make the heart grow fonder, but also remember, out of sight, out of heart!

I met my husband online. We started chatting, and found we had so much in common, that we started talking on the phone. After a few weeks, we decided to meet each other. Actually, he offered to help me move, which says something about him right there. Nobody likes to move, and he really hates it, so offering to help me was very big. He was 7-9 hours away (depending on how you drive), and we spent at least one weekend a month together. After a few months of that, we decided to move in together. Actually, he moved to me. We lived together for a little over a year before getting engaged.

We've helped each other through many things - the death of his younger brother, my dad, his grandfather... it's been a tough road, but a little more bearable for the fact that we are sharing it.

While I do believe that friendships begun on the net can blossom, just as friendships begun in other more conventional ways, I wonder about what could happen when people fall in love before meeting in person. "Chemistry" (for want of a better word) is so important in romantic relationships, and it seems to me very possible that all the elements of respect, affection, and so on, all the mental and emotional aspects, could be present, but people could find, upon finally meeting, that the physical attraction is just not there. Or only there for one party. What then?
There is a certain 'fantasy' element to online relationships, akin to what more conventional romances have while first dating. It's easy, in such a relationship, to always show yourself in your best light. When you are in a foul mood, angry, PMS'd etc, you can just not go online. Eventually, I think, people have to have that day to day contact, so they can see each other at their worst (dealing with heavy traffic, for instance).
Right now my husband is away, so we are only communicating via telephone or internet. I have to tell ya, he is such a great guy long distance, I fall in love with him all over again. Close to, it's not always so easy!
That said - good luck, Agnes, I hope you guys will be very happy - you're going into this with your eyes open, which is always good.

I see a number of different points being raised here that I'll try and list and add my own view on which has what effects. There is a huge difference between how you meet someone, and having a virtual relationship. By this, I mean if you join a dating site and meet someone there nearby, once you agree there is enough potential you'll get on, you arrange to meet. Before computers we all had pen pals instead, and like with modern virtual relationships, we didn't meet because we lived in different countries. In an ideal situation we could all beam across space like Star Trek, and not be constrained by crossing 3000 miles of sea, but as it is if you do come across someone abroad, you will often have to wait maybe a year before you meet, and I personally see this as an incredible challenge to most. So meeting via the internet when local and able to meet easily in person is no different from normal dating agencies, except it's easier as everyone's ads and pictures are on your screen immediately.

I think the sort of issues Leo raised come about where people meet by chance rather than planning, and that means they can live anywhere on the planet. This is where I have to agree with some of his points that however well you know someone you regularly communicate with, there's an element of feeling that can't be reproduced without presence. This is fine for friendships, but the important extra element in a romance, for me at least, can't be certain without meeting. I would learn more about someone in 5 minutes of being with them than indefinitely otherwise, as I see a jigsaw forming of pieces that gradually form a picture, but still with a few missing. Even with webcams there are other things that you pick up being with someone, it's an atmosphere, an aura they give off you pick up which I can't pick up otherwise. Therefore though the underlying friendship is essential if it's going to last, as the French put it so well, I can't be sure of the 'je ne sais quoi' without being in the presence of someone. I admit I did meet a TV actress once I was in love with from a distance, and felt pretty much the same when I met her, but she was married and I was 20 years younger(than I am now and than her)... But I did meet my last girlfriend on a dating site but we met in person after 3 days as she was nearby. Once you meet someone and it works it doesn't matter how you met, but what did amaze me on the sites was the number of people actively looking for people abroad. Unless they were more interested in moving than meeting someone I couldn't understand why someone with a long list to choose from would plan to have all the restrictions of a long-distance relationship. If it happens by chance somewhere else online, that's the nature of the international web, and you do the best you can. But my own bottom line is you can't test the true match until you meet. Is it realistic to be in love with someone you haven't met, or a fantasy where though you may well be when you meet, you are filling in the gaps with fairy dust to make the person all the things you want, but can't actually be sure of. I may be a cynic but I hope I'm a logical one.

In my opinion, a relationship is a relationship is a relationship.

A relationship is what the two people involved make it. Both people should know if they are physically attracted to each other, and take it from there...they get to know each other, their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams, etc., etc. They can then make the relationship work.

With internet dating, the same thing applies. Two people should know if they are physically attracted to each other, especially if they've seen pictures (recent pictures). They then get to know each other, their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams. Only difference is that there is a wait involved, especially if the two people live across an ocean.

A relationship, whether locally or abroad, is a two way street. It can't all be about me, me, me, me or you, you, you. Communication is the key to any relationship, and communication means honesty...total honesty. Lying about the small things is not a good idea as sometimes those small things have a way of coming up and biting you in the rear.

Another thing about relationships, whether locally or abroad, is good manners. If one person in the relationship constantly asks the other "How are you doing?" or "What did you do today?", it would be nice if the other person in the relationship asks the same thing. Also, if someone says, "Guess what?" it's not a good idea to say "What the dog farted?" and then go on to say "Well, I hope it's something good like a revelation." That's bad manners...in any culture and it's also rude to boot.

A relationship is not about finding out the meaning of life or about revelations. A relationship is about two people and two people only.

Being newly married to silverginger, I can say that internet relationships can and do work. It does depend on the people involved. Granted, there is more paperwork involved sometimes, with visas and such, but it is worth it in the long run.

Internet relationships are like other types of relationships - some work, some don't.

Maynooth and I had a "snail-mail" relationship since the Internet wasn't around when we were young. Some of you may know from previous posts that Maynooth and I were pen-pals from the age of 7 until the age of about 22, when we finally met. However, we were strictly pen-pals - there was no romantic relationship whatsoever until we actually met in person. To be honest, from his letters alone, I thought he was a bit of a nerd - he certainly didn't sound like my "type".

So it was quite a surprise to me when we fell in love literally at first sight! So there is a lot to be said for Leo's comment above: "there's nothing like meeting a person face-to-face, and that is probably the essence of a relationship".

The only Internet relationship I really know about is my next-door neighbour's. She got a lot of flak from people about her Internet romance and she used to confide in me as she felt that I would understand, having had a similar experience (as detailed above).

She got involved with a man in Michigan and they were really compatible on the Internet. They were on the computer and/or on the phone for hours every day. They starting planning a life together, where they would live in America until he retired (he had about five years to go, I think), then they would relocate here. As far as I know, she was completely honest about herself to him, and likewise, he was everything he said he was.

They finally decided to meet in person and arrange a holiday in Hawaii, since that was a "halfway point" between Perth and Michigan. They had a nice holiday and she fell for him like a ton of bricks. However, at the end of the two weeks, he turned to her and said "Look, you are a lovely person and I really like you a lot. But I have to say that the 'spark' just isn't there for me". And that was the end of the relationship. Although she appreciated his honesty, she was devastated nonetheless.

It was also a very expensive exercise for her - with the phone bills and the cost of the trip. Not to mention the "friends" who said "I told you so".

Jeez. It took me a year just to say who I even was on the net. I never planned on using this or any other place to "meet" people. Am I naive? Don't you just meet people at the market and strike up a conversation and go from there? But, then, the inevitable happens and one begins starting to get to know folks via the computer. To be honest, I'd have to say that I'll really love a person once I can touch them. With my hands and not my cyber thoughts. Or theirs. I believe it can work for others, and I say "give it a try". I am out of the market for such things but connecting is good. If, major if, it makes sense. I mostly agree with Leo, I think. If I read that right, coming on 'looking for love' is just asking for trouble. Coming on and finding it is worth a shot. Big difference.

I'm not sure that:

Quote:

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coming on 'looking for love' is just asking for trouble

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I think that's a little extreme. I can't say that it doesn't work, as there are examples in the world where it has worked. For the most part, I don't think it'll work for me, and probably for most of the people I know.

The whole honesty issue: I can't say that I've ever tried to hide who I am on the net, or in real life for that matter. Hopefully, most of the people I've met virtually are the same. Honesty is a cornerstone of life, let alone a romanic relationship. BUT, it is not the only thing that keeps a relationship going. Communication is essential, but to keep a flame burning, you need more than just the oxygen in the air. You need fuel to keep the fire burning hot, and without that, even in ideal conditions, the fire will die down.

Love is not simple (its more like quantum mechanics). There is no 'right' equation where you plug in all the right variables and you end up with a happy couple. Skill, circumstance and chance are all key parts in this unknown. Skill, because if the two people don't know what turns their partner on and keeps them interested, or on the other hand, which buttons to avoid to push, then it will die out. Circumstance, meeting the right person at the right time, in the right point in your life, is essential. You could meet the person of your dreams, but if you're not available for them, then its all lost. Chance, because random takes hold of everything. Sometimes, two people perfect for each other don't hit it off. Why? Just 'because'... no logic involved (the contrary works too).

So as every relationship is different, every relationship is complicated. To make it succeed, there is a lot of hard work involved, and I feel that most of it has to be done face-to-face. No matter how hard you try, seeing the smile on someone's face is WAY more satisfying than, well, .

Agnes, I truly wish you two all the best! But remember, you didn't choose to go through with what you are doing before you two met in person...

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all." S. Butler. If you have the chance try... I'm a sucker for romance, but don't set your hopes too high.

Obviously, some folks have great success having met each other this way but I can't help but wonder about LATER. After you meet that delicious -sounding person you met on the net, the one whose intellect you admired, whose wittiscisms left you gasping...what if he laughs like a donkey? What if, turning to him in the moonlight, you are suddenly reminded of Fidel Castro?

Before I am pronounced "shallow" by whoever reads my last post-let me qualify it with the following.Almost ten years ago,I allowed myself to be talked into a rather intense letter-writing campaign with someone I had never met face to face. He was brilliant, extremely articulate, personable-even handsome, in a kind of Sam Elliot way. The dark clouds began to gather after our first meeting, however. Before long, it became apparent that this person had the rest of my life planned out for me and I felt like somebody in one of those Lifetime women's channel movies who dates a cat-killer by mistake. So please bear with me as I shudder when I think about what MIGHT happen to folks who get to know one another virtual-style. Your experiences will be better!

I understand what you are saying, ktstew, and I agree you have to be careful. But when you go into it, you have to keep your eyes open but give it a chance. SG and I were totally up front with each other, and started as friends. We knew it was meant to be, even when we were friends.

Can I take this opportunity of wishing you and Silverginger all the very best for the future Moo, congratulations on the recent wedding.

Hooray! At last! Someone has FINALLY resisted the temptation to post half a page of a no doubt well-meaning, but over-verbose opinion on the subject of internet relationships, to congratulate Moo and Silverginger. Well done, Sue! And well done, M and S. I hope your love for each other continues to flourish.

Of course we all wish the two of you great happiness... I'm a real believer in unexpected romance-and have had two very precious, very successful ones in my life. I just thought this was a thread to muse out loud about the pros and cons, because of it's title. Sorry if I caused any upset!

I think they can work, but that SG and Moo's relationship is not the average outcome.

Many of you know I met my bf on an internet dating site, but we live in the same area only 20 minutes apart. I think a lot of a relationship is that 'getting on my nerves' bit like how they procrastinate cleaning their laundry or vacuuming. When you have a relationship solely through the internet and phone, it's hard to anticipate those little things that make or break a relationship.