I haven't spoken to anyone about this. Mostly because I don't understand my reaction to the event. I've always got something sarcastic, semi-rude or funny to say about most everything; I've spent the last three days litereally crying over this. Before that, I just told myself that it was days away and there was plenty of time to get upset.

I've been staring at the clock for hours; it is now 7:19 am. I've got to soon go up and get ready for this. I wish I would get deathly ill and call in my regrets. But I can't do that. It wouldn't be right. Selfish and cowardly.

My son is getting married today. Quite a fancy event has been planned. The ceremony and reception will take place on the Moshulu, a 100 year old tall ship that is docked at Philadelphia's water front. You get to watch dead fish and trash float by while you eat.

He is marrying a charming and very nice young lady whom I think the world of. It's not that. Maybe it's because my ex-wife and I will sit together (no problem) and I'm sure remember our vows from so long ago (problem). Plus I'll see my ex-inlaws for the first time in, can it be, almost 30 years?

I can't procrastinate much longer. My two sisters and brother-in-law will be here in two hours; they are driving. At least I'm not crying. Hell, a greeting card commercial can make me shed a tear. But, please God, don't let me cry at this wedding. It's supposed to be a joyous and meaningful affair.

I've raised him, since he was 5 years old, by myself; I sued for custody and won. It had to be done, but it affected my current relationship with both my son and my ex-wife. Maybe I'll think about those long days in court while the ceremony is taking place.

I gotta go. Shower, shave (it will take a weed whacker), take massive amounts of medication, and turn myself into a rhapsody in blue pin-stripe. And tissues. For the tears.

I don't want to go.

First of all please pass my sincere good wishes to Eric and his bride.

I did manage to become 'deathly ill' on my daughter's wedding day (well the day before) and ended up in hospital desperately trying to honour my promise to her that I wouldn't 'cark it' on her wedding day and so ruining all her anniveraries!

Rich, you have been both mother and father to Eric for all these years, you raised him single-handed and say what you will, it has to be tougher to be a single dad than a single mum. Mothers are permitted to cry at weddings and I am sure tha you are not the first father, nor will be the last, to shed a tear.

I don't envy you firstly having to sit next to your ex-wife, but also facing her parents after all this time. Tough at the best of times, but on an emotional occasion such as this it will be an added strain.

Take great care Rich, I will be willing you on from afar. Concentrate of the funny hats to take your mind off it all - and commit to memory some of the happenings of the day so that you can tell us all about it in your normal style.

Thinking of you.

I can understand completely why you don't want to go...but you know that you have to. For the sake of your relationship with your son for the rest of your lives, you have to go.
You did what was right by your son, and obviously it worked, or you wouldn't be in this predicament today. So hold your head up high and be proud of the young man whom you have raised.
Who cares what your ex and her assorted relatives feel? Maybe if they'd done a better job of raising her, then you wouldn't have been forced to make the horrible decision that you had to make about her parenting skills - heck, you'd probably still be married to her. Keep that thought close to mind when you are experiencing their censure.
And also remember that you broke the cycle, and taught your son a better way to be a parent when his turn comes. What greater gift could you have given him? And believe me, someday he will realize that!
Be still at heart, it will soon be over.

My low, I received a telephone call from a nurse who is looking after my son, asking me to telephone my son. I asked her how he is and asked if I could expect further verbal abuse, she just said to speak to him and that if he became abusive she would try to get him off the phone. Hmmm, perhaps she wasn't close at hand but I got the full force of his anger, once more, I am a hypochondriac, a liar, I have Munchausen's syndrome, I also have Munchausen's syndrome by proxy (two separate conditions). Everything wrong in his life is my fault, including his present breakdown.

I know that he is very ill, but it doesn't make it easier to bear, to hear one's dearly loved child coming out with such things.

Rich
I echo Sue's good wishes for your son and new daughter-in-law.
I am sure you will be a beaming Father and so what if you shed a few tears.

I think it is wonderful that you raised him to be a happy, healthy and loving person.Not many children have that kind of love and support and you had it in spades to give to your son.

I am sure you will have a wonderful time and will have some wonderful new memories to store away.

I shall be looking forward to hearing how it all went and I am sure you will have a humorous take on the day's events that will make us all laugh.

Have a wonderful time and know we are all there with you in spirit.


PF

Oh Sue that is so awful that you had to be subjected to his abuse once again.

I fail to understand why this nurse thought it was a good idea for you to speak to him when he is obviously not well and she had to have known he was not in his right frame of mind.

I think you need to refuse to speak to him until he has gotten a clean bill of health from his Doctor saying that he is taking his meds and is well enough to live on his own again.

I would be furious at that nurse for telling you she would be close at hand and then not being there when he started ranting at you.

I would report her to someone.

Please take Care of yourself and know we are all here for you.


PF

Quote:

---

Please take Care of yourself and know we are all here for you.

---

I couldn't agree more, we're all here for you

You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall
You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall
So If I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all


Sue:

It won't assuage the pain and hurt, but maybe it will increase the understanding of the horrid things he does.

You're a convenient target; a target he knows will take his abuse. Because he knows that you love him. And he loves you; he just can't stand to look in the mirror right now. It feels better to channel the abuse to someone safe.

I think of you often as do your countless friends and admirers here.

Vendome's right - ikt's safe to blame you because you will continue to love him.
Be strong girl - that's something you're awfully good at!
Thinking of both of you today.

Thank you all. I know he is a very sick young man.

Dad's not been all that good over the last few days, with his pain, and in the early hours of this morning, he was taken into hospital because he was extremely breathless. Full praise to the paramedics, who were here very quickly. They gave him antibiotics and was released later this morning. He's got a lung infection - doesn't help that the cancer is in his lung. However, he is still very breathless, after just climbing one set of stairs, so the paramedics are here again. Maybe he will need some oxygen at home. Will keep you updated. A worrying time, but somehow or other me, and my family are all going to get through it.

Oh dear Jane - hang on there. Our thoughts are with you.

Oh Jane, I feel for you all, for your father who is having these health problems (being breathless is an awful feeling), and also for you and the rest of your family for having to watch him suffer.

Take care.

I am so sorry to hear this news Jane.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am glad the paramedics were there so fast.
Take Care and know we are all thinking of you and your family.
PF

Yes, there is not much we can do, but I hope it helps to know that we are all thinking of you, and praying for your Dad.

Yes, Jane. Times are rocky for your family - but you do have a place to vent your feelings here. That has to be worth something.
Bless you all.

Thank you for all your thoughts. And Kate is right, this is a perfect place for me to vent when times get hard. The paramedics gave us some oxygen, some for upstairs, some for downstairs. He get breathless at the slightest movement around the house. But the good thing is that he is sleeping well.

Jane - glad to hear your Dad's resting well. Sleeping is awfully good medicine, especially after a day yesterday that probably rattled him but good. Fingers crossed for you, as always.

Another update. Dad was pretty rough yesterday - and it being a Bank Holiday over in England, we couldn't get hold of our regular Doctor. However. he came this morning. He said that Dad was having problems with his heart - heart failure - so went away, to order an ambulance. So looks like Dad will be in the best place for a few days, in hospital where they can give him the best care possible. I'll keep you updated.

Having been there last year Jane, I know what it is like to be struggling for breath. Give your father my very best wishes. Hopefully they will be able to give him some medication to strengthen the heart to make him feel better.

I hope everything goes well with your dad, Jane. Thinking of you!

I am sorry to hear your Dad is having such problems but I am sure he will get the best of care in the hospital.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Take Care of yourself and know that we are all with you in spirit.
PF

Dad's still in hospital....could be in there for a while. He's still very breathless etc, and on oxygen. But he is really in the best place. They going to do some exploration...might be draining some fluid from his lung. Not seen him myself, but Mum is there now. Somehow or other we'll get though it. I know that he's not going to get better, but just hoping the hospital can make him as comfortable as possible for a while.

You're right, Jane - the hospital is the best place for him and he will be the most comfortable there. I hope you can get in to see him soon.

You know things will be rough from here on in, Jane. But you are strong, and have the family with you. Take this situation day by day, and let your friends and family be a comfort to you, as you are to them.

Our thoughts are with you. Try and rest when you can, even though it might be hard to sleep right now.