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#322739 - Tue Sep 19 2006 10:45 AM How long to recover?
Auszev Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Tue Dec 10 2002
Posts: 181
Loc: Perth
Western Australia
Well, it happened it me. My marriage broke up after 20+ years. A few months ago, my husband told me just before he flew out (works overseas) that he wants to be happy - and I am not included in that. This was completely out of the blue - my kids took it hard also. For about a week I just sat in a daze and then decided to tell them as he did not want to. Now after three months, I still cannot believe or am coping. I thought things should be getting easier when you reach 50. Instead I have to retrain and try to find work as all I have done for over 18 years is too raise kids. It is scarey! Financially as well. I am glad he wants to be happy - but as the old saying goes "What about me". Still stuck at home trying to raise kids and now having to work. I feel my whole world has caved in. I still cannot do much but know I have to face the outside world and get something but what I did I cannot do. I have not got references (perhaps my kids could be that). Has any other people been in this situation? How did you cope and get yourself back together? My head is still spinning and everything seems unsurmountable.

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#322740 - Tue Sep 19 2006 11:25 AM Re: How long to recover?
sue943 Offline
Administrator

Registered: Sun Dec 19 1999
Posts: 37391
Loc: Jersey
Channel Islands    
First, let me tell you that I feel for you.

I gave up work when I got married and the work that I did at that time no longer exists. When I was in my early 40s I decided that I just couldn't continue in my very unhappy marriage so we split up. My children, at that time, were eleven and nine. My ex did make provision for us, not to live in luxury, but I could remain at home for a while. What I did was to take some courses to give me some skills, word processing etc. I then volunteered to get me used to doing something other than sitting at home, it would also give me some form of reference. In my case this voluntary work actually led to part time, then fulltime work.

Now, after my illness last year, I find myself back in much the same situation, but worse. I lost my job and when you are fifty-eight and that job was specialised, AND you have had a prolonged period of serious illness, the prospect of re-training and trying to find work is daunting to put it mildly. On the plus side, I am only fourteen months off retirement age so I am not going to try too hard to find work.

I have no idea as to the rights you will have under Australian matrimonial law, whether he will be forced to support your children and split assets, you are going to have to find that out. If you haven't done so, get some legal advice. In Australia you have Citizens Advice Bureaux, visit your local one for information.

You appear to be computer literate so that is a start. Presumably you will have something like a 'job centre' in Australia, if so visit them. Certainly here people like you could be given some training and they will help in mock interviews, preparing CVs and will try to place you.

You don't say the ages of your children, you mention eighteen years so hopefully they are both older rather than younger so you will not have to cope with trying to find child care. I did some temporary work recently and employers will train people in their late fifties, you certainly will not be too old.

Good luck.


Edited by sue943 (Tue Sep 19 2006 11:27 AM)
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Many a child has been spoiled because you can't spank a Grandma!

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#322741 - Tue Sep 19 2006 02:18 PM Re: How long to recover?
Copago Offline
Moderator

Registered: Tue May 15 2001
Posts: 14384
Loc: Australia
Since it's been a few months you've probably already worked this out but have you been onto Centrelink ... they can help out in so many ways - dole, re-training, counselling and they can also direct you to the Child Support agency and if I remember there are all sorts of books about "where to go now". I went through a similar thing a couple years ago and was most impressed with the service having expected a queue of druggies at the counter. THings got too much for me one morning when my son screamed when leaving him at daycare and I had a Centrelink appointment straight after - I couldn't have asked for nicer treatment.

The job centres are brilliant too - I was enrolled at one run by the Wesley Mission and they pay for ANYTHING that will help you get a job. They were offering me courses until they came out my ears, gave me vouchers to buy clothes for job interviews and when I did get a job went and bought me the 'uniform' including boots. THey can also provide travel subsidies, mobile phones .. the list seemed endless.

Emotionally - I know it's hard but you'll be right ... get out and have a regular lunch with friends, join a local group of something you're interested in: Landcare, scouts, P&C ... anything! something! I know it's all easier said than done and the temptation to mope about the house is really strong but I promise it will all fall into place. IT just takes time.

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#322742 - Tue Sep 19 2006 08:18 PM Re: How long to recover?
ClaraSue Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Sun May 18 2003
Posts: 7837
Loc: Arizona USA
How awful for you. My condolences to you because the end of a marriage is like the end of a life. At least the life you have known for a long time. I have not had this happen to me, but my sister and her husband just split up in a very similar case. Right before Christmas last year he walked up to her and said "you're not what I want anymore, but let's wait until after the holidays to deal with this". For three weeks she walked around with a false smile on her face for her two children and family who was visiting for the holidays. This took her totally by surprise and hurt her tremendously. She and I are very close so I felt some of her pain and have been trying to help her deal with the divorce since then. She has a full-time job outside the home, but what has helped is she joined a city volleyball league (a sport we both love to play) and she plays a few times a week. Think of something that you love to do and DO IT! Don't let anything hold you back.

Quote:

Emotionally - I know it's hard but you'll be right ... get out and have a regular lunch with friends, join a local group of something you're interested in: Landcare, scouts, P&C ... anything! something! I know it's all easier said than done and the temptation to mope about the house is really strong but I promise it will all fall into place. IT just takes time.




So True! My prayers and blessings to you.


Edited by ClaraSue (Wed Sep 20 2006 07:44 AM)
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#322743 - Wed Sep 20 2006 01:19 AM Re: How Long To Recover?
Engadine Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sun Aug 08 2004
Posts: 3609
Loc: Sth East Qld Australia      
Oh Aus, time, it is true, is the only healer . . . I spent the last four years of my marriage with a man I didn't really know, he drank so much, was verbally and emotionally abusive . . . but you'll make it . . . after I finally got him to leave (Police involved etc) I left too . . . sold the house, sorted out the kids and took my youngest overseas for three months to sort my head out (my soon to be ex was also schizophrenic).

BUT, you will make it through . . . it's a blur at first, an unreal limbo, but people can be very kind and helpful (as Copago noted) and children are rather resilient (more so than adults at times).

I was unemployed due to ill health when my marriage finally ended and I've not worked since . . . but, I'm starting a business of my own (as I can't do what I used to) . . . so give it a go, give anything a go, get out there and show 'em all, you've got a lot to give I'm sure and you'll make it through . . . again, it all just takes time!
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#322744 - Fri Sep 22 2006 02:22 AM Re: How Long To Recover?
Auszev Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Tue Dec 10 2002
Posts: 181
Loc: Perth
Western Australia
Thanks to everyone for their suggestions and advice. I will get to a lawyer and am looking at retraining plus tackling the systems but everything seems so daunting plus where do I start. I think I am still in shock as so much has happened and what to do has happened in a few months. My huge problem is my mental health problems and involved in this is that I find it very hard to cope in the "outside" world and people(and the thought of doing so is frightening). A few years ago, going to the cafe to get milk was a drama and I used to break out in a sweat just thinking about it. I have no family to support or talk to. I am still coping with institutionalizing my autistic son, plus getting my other son back from the depths of a lifestyle that was going to destroy him. Thanks again to you all.

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#322745 - Fri Sep 22 2006 03:28 AM Re: How Long To Recover?
Auszev Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Tue Dec 10 2002
Posts: 181
Loc: Perth
Western Australia
Just contacted lawyers with a heavy heart. Thought you all would like to know that I have taken your advice and started 'getting out there'. Cheers and thanks to everyone again.

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