ROFLOL!

Q: What did the cannibal's wife give him, when he was late for dinner?

A: The cold shoulder.

The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

... but the people of Abu-Dhabi do!

Hahaha

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."

An astronomer looks at the sky through a telescope, searching for something. After a while he stands up, looks to the heavens, and yells, "You cannot be Sirius!"

I did a search for these, and I don't think these have been posted...until now.

1) There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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2) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
So what did this make him?
A super, callused, fragile, mystic, plagued with halitosis!

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3) Census taker: How many children do you have?
Woman: Four.
Census taker: May I have their names, please?
Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.
Census taker: Okay. May I ask why you named your fourth child George?
Woman: Because we didn't want any Mo.

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K, one more:
4) Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

A man runs into his doctor and yells, 'Doctor, Doctor. My wife is pregnant, and she keeps yelling "shouldn't, can't, won't, couldn't!" over and over again! What do I do?'
The Doctor says, 'Calm down, it's nothing to worry about. She's just having contractions.'

*groan* Now that's a good bad joke!

A star high school football player is failing math. All he has to do to be eligable to play is answering a single math question. The coach askes "What is 2+2?" He says 4. "Four, did you say four?" The other players in the lockeroom all say "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Oh Lioness, that is a major good bad joke!

So, f(X) walks into a bar, and the baman takes one look at him and says, "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions here"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walk into a saloon and sit down to have a drink. After a few minutes, a cowboy walks in and calls out, "Who owns the big white horse hitched outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands up and says, "I do, why?"

The cowboy looks at him and says,"I thought you should know that your horse is nearly dead."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and sure enough, Silver is lying down, suffering from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger takes his hat off and fills it at a nearby trough. He lets Silver drink from it and soon Silver is feeling better.

"Kemosabe, I'll soak my blanket and run circles around him until he cools down" says Tonto.

"Thanks my friend," replies the Lone Ranger and returns to the saloon to get More drinks for Tonto and himself.

While waiting for the drinks, another cowboy enters and asks, Who has the white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger answers, "I do. What's wrong now?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,"Nothing, but I thought you should know you left your Injun running."

Big bad wolf: I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in.

Little pig: Go away or I'll sneeze on you.

So the Blonde (sorry all blondes, true or bottled) gets a zebra for a new pet.
Guess what she names it... Spot.

What do you get when you toss a white hat into the Red Sea? A wet hat

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

(You're going to love this...............................)










'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

anyone hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

Two flies on a bald mans head - one turns to the other and says "Hey George, haven't seen you around here for ages - you will find a lot has changed", to which George replies "Blimey Fred, I've heard of forest clearance, but this is amazing"

Why did the Mexican throw his wife out of the window

He wanted to kill her ( tequila)

Did you know that 3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.

lol

Did you know those pirates get a discount on ear-piercings? They only pay a buck an ear

A piece of motorway hard shoulder swaggers into a pub and announces, "I'm hard, don't mess with.....", but on spotting another piece of tarmac sitting quietly in the corner stops abruptly, and backs out of the door.

"What was all that about?" the only drinker at the bar asks the barman.

"Well," says the barman, "The hard shoulder's pretty damned hard, but he wouldn't want to mess with him. He's a cycle path."