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#335571 - Mon Mar 09 2009 05:32 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
ClaraSue Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Sun May 18 2003
Posts: 7842
Loc: Arizona USA
ROFLOL!
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May the tail of the elephant never have to swat the flies from your face.

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#335572 - Mon Mar 09 2009 06:09 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
tsunamicharly Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Tue Dec 25 2007
Posts: 149
Loc: Memphis
Tennessee USA
Q: What did the cannibal's wife give him, when he was late for dinner?

A: The cold shoulder.
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Do I dare to eat a Peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk along the beach.

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#335573 - Tue Mar 24 2009 12:37 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
ErnestS Offline
Participant

Registered: Wed Jan 23 2008
Posts: 17
Loc: Sheffield Yorkshire England UK
The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

... but the people of Abu-Dhabi do!

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#335574 - Tue Mar 24 2009 09:34 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
MadMags Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat May 03 2008
Posts: 17092
Loc: Orosi Costa Rica              
Hahaha
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A smile is a curved line that sets things straight. ~ Anon.

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#335575 - Wed Mar 25 2009 03:50 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
The_lioness33 Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sat Feb 25 2006
Posts: 2869
Loc: Adelaide South Australia    
Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."

An astronomer looks at the sky through a telescope, searching for something. After a while he stands up, looks to the heavens, and yells, "You cannot be Sirius!"

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#335576 - Thu Mar 26 2009 02:56 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
NalaMarie Offline
Mainstay

Registered: Tue Jun 06 2000
Posts: 688
Loc: Missouri USA
I did a search for these, and I don't think these have been posted...until now.

1) There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

------

2) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
So what did this make him?
A super, callused, fragile, mystic, plagued with halitosis!

------

3) Census taker: How many children do you have?
Woman: Four.
Census taker: May I have their names, please?
Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.
Census taker: Okay. May I ask why you named your fourth child George?
Woman: Because we didn't want any Mo.

------

K, one more:
4) Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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#335577 - Sun Mar 29 2009 04:31 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
bikoz Offline
Mainstay

Registered: Fri Feb 27 2009
Posts: 974
Loc: Hyderabad
India
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"There is nothing right in the left side of my brain and nothing is left in the right side of my brain."

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#335578 - Thu Apr 09 2009 04:50 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
The_lioness33 Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sat Feb 25 2006
Posts: 2869
Loc: Adelaide South Australia    
A man runs into his doctor and yells, 'Doctor, Doctor. My wife is pregnant, and she keeps yelling "shouldn't, can't, won't, couldn't!" over and over again! What do I do?'
The Doctor says, 'Calm down, it's nothing to worry about. She's just having contractions.'

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#335579 - Thu Apr 09 2009 08:42 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
MadMags Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat May 03 2008
Posts: 17092
Loc: Orosi Costa Rica              
*groan* Now that's a good bad joke!
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A smile is a curved line that sets things straight. ~ Anon.

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#335580 - Thu Apr 09 2009 06:31 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
tsunamicharly Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Tue Dec 25 2007
Posts: 149
Loc: Memphis
Tennessee USA
Quote:

'Calm down, it's nothing to worry about. She's just having contractions.'




Oh, I think I hurt something! Bad joke, bad! Go sit in an anthology.
_________________________
Do I dare to eat a Peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk along the beach.

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#335581 - Tue Apr 28 2009 01:32 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
gtsnm Offline
Participant

Registered: Mon Apr 27 2009
Posts: 13
Loc: Massachusetts USA
A star high school football player is failing math. All he has to do to be eligable to play is answering a single math question. The coach askes "What is 2+2?" He says 4. "Four, did you say four?" The other players in the lockeroom all say "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

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#335582 - Tue Apr 28 2009 09:31 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
Jar Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Wed Apr 11 2001
Posts: 4224
Loc: Texas USA
Oh Lioness, that is a major good bad joke!
_________________________
If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep.
-Dale Carnegie

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#335583 - Fri May 15 2009 09:29 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
The_lioness33 Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sat Feb 25 2006
Posts: 2869
Loc: Adelaide South Australia    
So, f(X) walks into a bar, and the baman takes one look at him and says, "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions here"

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#335584 - Sat May 16 2009 01:56 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
tsunamicharly Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Tue Dec 25 2007
Posts: 149
Loc: Memphis
Tennessee USA
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walk into a saloon and sit down to have a drink. After a few minutes, a cowboy walks in and calls out, "Who owns the big white horse hitched outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands up and says, "I do, why?"

The cowboy looks at him and says,"I thought you should know that your horse is nearly dead."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and sure enough, Silver is lying down, suffering from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger takes his hat off and fills it at a nearby trough. He lets Silver drink from it and soon Silver is feeling better.

"Kemosabe, I'll soak my blanket and run circles around him until he cools down" says Tonto.

"Thanks my friend," replies the Lone Ranger and returns to the saloon to get More drinks for Tonto and himself.

While waiting for the drinks, another cowboy enters and asks, Who has the white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger answers, "I do. What's wrong now?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,"Nothing, but I thought you should know you left your Injun running."
_________________________
Do I dare to eat a Peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk along the beach.

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#335585 - Thu Jun 04 2009 05:14 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
leith90 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Mon Sep 03 2007
Posts: 421
Loc: Queensland Australia
Big bad wolf: I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in.

Little pig: Go away or I'll sneeze on you.

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#335586 - Sun Jun 07 2009 01:24 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
c0ntessa Offline
Participant

Registered: Sun May 17 2009
Posts: 8
Loc: Alberta Canada
So the Blonde (sorry all blondes, true or bottled) gets a zebra for a new pet.
Guess what she names it... Spot.

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#335587 - Sun Jun 07 2009 07:53 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
bubbafudd Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Wed Apr 29 2009
Posts: 145
Loc: Texas USA
What do you get when you toss a white hat into the Red Sea? A wet hat
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no matter where you go,there you are

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#335588 - Sun Jun 07 2009 04:49 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
triviapaul Offline
Mainstay

Registered: Thu May 22 2008
Posts: 998
Loc: Delft<br>The Netherlands
Quote:

So, f(X) walks into a bar, and the baman takes one look at him and says, "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions here"




That is the worst so far, honestly, my brain hurts
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They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.

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#335589 - Fri Jul 03 2009 06:10 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
Eraserhead Offline
Prolific

Registered: Tue Feb 25 2003
Posts: 1825
Loc: Outer Sydney NSW Australia    
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

(You're going to love this...............................)










'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'
_________________________
Don't hatch all of your eggs in the one basket 'til the chicken hits the fan.

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#335590 - Fri Jul 03 2009 06:43 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
bubbafudd Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Wed Apr 29 2009
Posts: 145
Loc: Texas USA
anyone hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
_________________________
no matter where you go,there you are

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#335591 - Mon Jul 13 2009 04:51 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
delboy22 Offline
Prolific

Registered: Tue Jun 19 2007
Posts: 1309
Loc: Dijon France via S Wales UK
Two flies on a bald mans head - one turns to the other and says "Hey George, haven't seen you around here for ages - you will find a lot has changed", to which George replies "Blimey Fred, I've heard of forest clearance, but this is amazing"
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Quiz author - Crossword author - Proud leader of 'Torrential Reign' - Terry Fords biggest fan - and part-time nice bloke

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#335592 - Mon Jul 20 2009 08:26 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
ASA Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Tue Oct 15 2002
Posts: 4326
Loc: Adelaide South Australia
Why did the Mexican throw his wife out of the window

He wanted to kill her ( tequila)
_________________________
Alan
So much time ...... so little to do

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#335593 - Sun Jul 26 2009 07:56 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
The_lioness33 Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sat Feb 25 2006
Posts: 2869
Loc: Adelaide South Australia    
Did you know that 3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.

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#335594 - Sun Jul 26 2009 01:33 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
MadMags Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat May 03 2008
Posts: 17092
Loc: Orosi Costa Rica              
lol

Did you know those pirates get a discount on ear-piercings? They only pay a buck an ear
_________________________
A smile is a curved line that sets things straight. ~ Anon.

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#335595 - Sun Jul 26 2009 05:05 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here!
Richie15 Offline
Explorer

Registered: Wed Jun 06 2007
Posts: 61
Loc: Cardiff Wales UK            
A piece of motorway hard shoulder swaggers into a pub and announces, "I'm hard, don't mess with.....", but on spotting another piece of tarmac sitting quietly in the corner stops abruptly, and backs out of the door.

"What was all that about?" the only drinker at the bar asks the barman.

"Well," says the barman, "The hard shoulder's pretty damned hard, but he wouldn't want to mess with him. He's a cycle path."

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