What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no-eye deer!

What do you call my cheese?

Na Cho' cheese

Why did the water fountain get arrested?

For being drunk in public

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him!

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, "Ludwig can Beethoven, 1770-1827."

Then he realises that the music is the Ninth symhony and it is being played backwards. Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and returns with a friend. by the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that they are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the Ninth, then the Seventh, then the Fifth.

By the nest day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.

Just then the caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "Beethoven is decomposing!"

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he sufferend from bad breath. This made him what?

A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis!

(say it aloud)

Whats the difference between a camera and a sock?


A camera takes Pho-toes
A sock takes five toes (ugh)

Why did the mother throw the clock out the window?--- She wanted to see time fly.

Why did the mother throw butter out the window?--- She wanted to see a butterfly.

What is black and white and red (read) all over?--- newspaper

What is black and white with a cherry on top?---- police car

What did one pancake say to the other?

See you on the flip side.

......Oh boy.......

What begins with "e" and ends in "e" and only has one letter in it?

Envelope

A bear goes in to a bar and asks. "May I have a ham...........................................and tomato sandwich please."

The bartender asks, "why the pause"

"'coz I'm a bear."

ahhaha that one actually made me laugh because it's so dumb!

Q. Why is six afraid of seven?

A. Because seven, eight, nine.

Ha! My dad put that on my Ninth? birthday card. He's been telling it to me since I was knee high to a grasshopper as well.

Two elephants fell off a can of paint - Boom Boom

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
- paint it's toenails red

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
- it works, doesn't it?

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas,.....

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

There were so many more I could have put, but they wouldn't have been suitable.

A camel, gorilla, parrot, zebra, cannibal, ghost & pterodactyl walk into a pub.
The barman looks up and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

What does a dyslexic ghost say?

Oob.

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi looks at the priest and says, "Hey, did you hear the one about us?"

Jesus came back after two thousand years and walked up to a Inn carrying two nails and said " Can you put me up for the night"
Yes It's a bad taste joke sorry lol!
Robin

A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two
kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to
himself, "What the heck have I done?" He began to ponder, "How am
I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a
while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and
see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loads
them into his van and off he rushes to the local hospital. He
walked up and down the hospital and after some serious surgery,
he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they doing?" The doctor
replies, "Comfortable, sir!"

Who sings "Blue Suede Shoes" and delivers packages overnight?


Elvis Expressley

Q: If a mouse lost it's tail, where would it get a new one?

A: A re-tail store

Q: Who is the 1st cat to find America?

A: Christofur Collompuss

Q. What do you call a bus full of lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A. A good start.
- - - - - - - - -

Q. How can you tell if your lawyer is lying?

A. His lips are moving.

Q: What is the definition of a 'shame' as in: "That's a Shame!"?
A: A busload of lawyers going off a cliff.
Q: What's the definition of a 'crying shame'?
A: There was an empty seat.

By the way, badgirl, I always heard the 'his lips are moving' one told about military recruters. But then again, I am an Army Brat, that might have something to do with it.

Quote:

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By the way, badgirl, I always heard the 'his lips are moving' one told about military recruters. But then again, I am an Army Brat, that might have something to do with it.

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hmmm, and I've always heard that one told about men. But then, I'm a woman and that definitely has something to do with it.

why did the chicken cross the road

he just wanted to