Something happened yesterday in my family that made me think about the prevailing wisdom about teenagers. There is an idea out there that teens are embarrassed by their families, the whole "walk fifteen feet behind me in the mall" thing. There is also an unspoken idea, I think, among many people, that the healthiest, most confident kids would be the ones in the mainstream, rather than the odd loners, the ones who dress funny, the boys who wear makeup, etc.

So, to tell the story. We spent the last few days in the big (million plus) city a six hour drive from our home. Several members of my husband's family who live in the States were there for some other reason, and the northern Alberta faction decided to drive down and have a mini reunion - we don't see some of these people very often, and now that the grandparents are dead there is very little reason for them to come up our way. I wanted my own kids to get a chance to know them better. So, we were 11 people - four of us in our 50's 60's, four late twentyish, and three teens. My daughter, 15, is the youngest.

She has had an internet friend for about 6 months who lives in that city, a boy. She's never met him in person, and was agitating for a chance on this trip. My response was a 'well maybe', with lots of protective measures built in. I was kinda hoping, being a careful mom, that there just would be no chance, so I wouldn't have to actually deal with it.

So, yesterday morning, we all decided to show my niece's new American husband the Canadian practice of five pin bowling. I told my daughter "Here's your chance, tell him to meet us at the bowling alley" and he did.

So, here we have a 15 year old girl, meeting a boy for the first time, perfectly willing to meet while surrounded with not one, not two, but ten members of her family, all of whom are well aware of what is going on and who have been giving their opinions about it for the last several hours. Here is a boy who is willing to meet the girl under those grueling circumstances.

He walked in the door - all in black, dyed black hair, heavy eyeliner - but so obviously a slightly pudgy, not too sure of himself 15 year old that most of my fears were instantly gone. My daughter introduced him to everyone, and he kinda sorta looked us all in the eye, and then the two of them scurried to a corner and ate bowling alley food while the rest of us played. Every time one of us went to the bathroom, we'd stop and chat.

The whole thing went fine, he cheerfully took our pictures, and I drove him home - just your basic kid, used to getting rides from moms driving SUVs.

How many kids that age would have that amount of self confidence? I am proud of both of them, and I think their "outcast" status (my daughter is a bit non-mainstream herself) is a big part of the confidence. When a kid realizes that the chances of fitting in with the "A list" crowd is nil, he/she may withdraw into weird unhealthy behaviour, but may just as well decide "Well, can't ruin my chances at being accepted since they don't exist, so I may as well just be myself and enjoy myself".

Daughter also asked a boy out for the first time last week. I gave her a little advice (keep it light, casual, don't put too much weight on it) and she went for it, after much waffling. He turned her down, but nicely, and she took it pretty well. This is a kid who has faced some devastating stuff lately (there have been four deaths in the family the last year) and is choosing to deal with it by reaching our and facing some fears. I think a lot of the prevailing wisdom about teens is nonsense - mine at least are pretty great.

What a wonderful experience, agony! Thank-you so much for sharing it with us. You mentioned fitting in with the "A-list" crowd and I thought about how painful that can be for some kids. I agree with the attitude shown by your daughter and her friend. To me it's like saying "If you can't beat em, who cares." Being true to yourself is far more important and I don't know of many teens who have the confidence to do that. I may be 50 and my boys are grown, but I still remember how awkward it was for myself and then going through the same thing with my own kids in their teenage years. Kudos to your daughter and you obviously are doing a lot right in the parenting department. You're right, the prevailing wisdom about teens IS nonsense. They have their own ideas and beliefs, just like we did, and sometimes people don't give them a chance. They are our future. Sandy

How wonderful for your daughter's friend to meet with her in front of the whole family! I'm "forty something" and I had a heck of a time when I met with my new hubby's family (15 at once). I was a nervous wreck and hid in the back yard and smoked cigarettes like they were going out of style. And that was just nine years ago! And you're definitely doing something right with your daughter. I'd be proud of them as well.

Most teens I know, the first date with a boyfriend is with one of the families. Something like a picnic or just going over to their house. It is usually pretty casual and relaxed, the first 'date' with my boyfried was just going over to his house, his parents didn;t even know that we were going out, it was a "friend" thing. For the second one though, it was still with his family, but it was much more datish - A classical concert under the stars.

That's a great story. I am glad that the boy had the courage to meet her under those circumstances.

I've just taken my first trip driving as I wasn't supposed to be behind the wheel long. My best friend had her sister over who is also my friend. I had not seen her since her son was a tiny baby as we got a special deal on a ticket when we lived on the US East Coast. She has three teens and I have two, and her sister has two.
I took my son as he was hemming and hawing, and I said, 'Gee, there are going to be five teens to hang out with...not like I'm taking you to tea with senior citizens pinching your cheeks.'
So they all met and we ate out on the terrace, and periodically said, 'hey, they are not making any noise...isn't that wonderful?'
We kept on sneaking in and taking pictures of them and they looked up at us with patronizing stares!

My own son became awed of the young lady who's a month younger than he is with her doe like eyes. My friend's children are kind of non mainstream like he is.
They then played Monopoly together!

So there were four boys and two girls there, and my son was the only one not related to the others!
But, as I have known them for thirty five years, it's like I was their sister.

We cracked up looking at albums of us looking like geeks.

I was really pleased when my 'Gothson' asked if all his friends could come round one afternoon and "help me sort out that charity shop stuff" - I emptied my wardrobe of all the stuff I'd been hoarding since my teens and they had great fun dressing up in 80s gear (and my 'alternative' stuff) and in the end they took half of it home with them lol, boys as well as girls, and saved me lugging so much to the charity shop.
Every so often one of them comes round wearing something and they manage to look MUCH better in it than I ever did