A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls that walk around topless all the time. The temptation's terrible. I really need a hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back an accordion and an advanced players instruction book. "Why don't you learn to play this?" the wife says in a note that accompanies the instrument.
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and the sailor returns home to his wife. "Darling" he exclaims happily, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But before he can even kiss her, she stops him with a wave of her hand. "That sounds wonderful, but first I want to see how well you can play that accordion."
Hockey IS Important To Canadians
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, and a hockey fan makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over the empty seat and asks the man if someone will be sitting there.
"No" says the man. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," says the fan. "Who in their right mind would pay to have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup Final Game and not use it?"
The man responds to the fan, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife. Her and I have been Toronto hockey fans for many years, but she passed away. This is the first game we haven't been to together since we got married over 40 years ago."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. This must be difficult for you... but at the risk of sounding unfeeling, couldn't you have brought someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "I tried really hard to get someone to come with me," he says, but they're all at the funeral."