I graduated from Temple University. Physical education major with a child psychology minor. Which means if you ask me a question about a child’s behavior, I will tell you to tell the child to take a lap.

Natural child birth means no drugs will be administered into the female’s body during the delivery. The father can have all he wants.

I said to a guy, “Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?” And the guy said, “Well, it intensifies your personality.” And I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an idiot”?

My children think my mother is the most wonderful woman on the face of the Earth. And I keep telling my children, “That’s not the same woman I grew up with. You’re looking at an old person who’s trying to get into heaven now.”

Every father says the same thing: “Where’s your mother?”

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

A word to the wise isn’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.

I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job, and I don’t want it!

People will frighten you about a graduation. They use words you don’t hear often: “and we wish you Godspeed.” It is a warning, “Godpeed.” It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices/

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak. She gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by “survival of the fittest.”

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
Yogi Berra