I graduated from Temple University. Physical education major with a child psychology minor. Which means if you ask me a question about a child’s behavior, I will tell you to tell the child to take a lap.

Natural child birth means no drugs will be administered into the female’s body during the delivery. The father can have all he wants.

I said to a guy, “Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?” And the guy said, “Well, it intensifies your personality.” And I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an idiot”?

My children think my mother is the most wonderful woman on the face of the Earth. And I keep telling my children, “That’s not the same woman I grew up with. You’re looking at an old person who’s trying to get into heaven now.”

Every father says the same thing: “Where’s your mother?”

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

A word to the wise isn’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.

I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job, and I don’t want it!

People will frighten you about a graduation. They use words you don’t hear often: “and we wish you Godspeed.” It is a warning, “Godpeed.” It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices/

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak. She gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by “survival of the fittest.”

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.







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I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
Yogi Berra