I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west
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When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it
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What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

No respect...!