Sophia: I need the money for my old age.
Dorothy: Old age? You don't leave fingerprints
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Dorothy: Oh c'mon, Blanche. Age is just a state of mind.
Blanche: Tell that to my thighs.

Dorothy: Blanche, are you sure you're pregnant?
Blanche: I just did a home pregnancy test - it's right here.
Rose: It looks like a perfume sample.
Dorothy: Put it behind your ears, Rose.
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Blanche: You know what the worst part about getting older is?
Dorothy: Your face, Rose's hands?

_Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.

Rose: I just had a thought...
Sophia, Dorothy, Blanche: Congratulations.

Rose: Well, I'm here if you want to pick my brain.
Dorothy: Rose, honey. Maybe we should leave it alone and let it heal.

Blanche: What do you think of my new dress? Is it me?
Sophia: It's too tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche. It's you.

Blanche: I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.
Dorothy: That's pretty jumpy.
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Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy: Better than anyone I know.
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Blanche: This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?


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Sophia: You're Blanche's daughter, the model?
Rebecca: That's right.
Sophia: What did she model - car covers?

Rose: I just found out I'm the most boring on Earth.
Sophia: Did something happen to Regis Philbin?

Dorothy: Well Blanche is certainly taking her sister's novel better than I would. I would kill my sister Gloria if she ever wrote about my sex life.
Sophia: You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?


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Contractor: Do you want it fast or do you want it good?
Sophia: Before you answer that, Blanche, the man's talking about a guest room.

Blanche: What was your first impression of me?
Rose: I thought you wore too much makeup and were a [censored]. I was wrong. You don't wear too much makeup.

[Rose and Dorothy are attempting to move a new toilet into the bathroom]
Rose: Oh, don't give up, Dorothy. If the ancient Egyptians could move twenty ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet.
Dorothy: Fine, Rose. Get me twenty thousand Hebrews and I'll see what I can do.


[on being compared to Charlie's Angels]
Blanche: I was once told I bore a striking resemblance to Cheryl Ladd... but my bosoms are perkier.
Dorothy: Not even if you were hanging upside-down from a trapeze!


Blanche: When Blanche Devereaux goes after a man, she doesn't stand on ceremony!
Sophia: Or the floor.


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Blanche: I can't believe you said that! Oh if I weren't a lady I'd deck you.
Dorothy: You try and I'll have you on your back so fast you'll think you're out on a date.

Game Show Host: For one hundred dollars, complete this famous phrase: "Better late than... "
Blanche: Pregnant!
Game Show Host: No, Blanche, that's incorrect... though not entirely untrue.

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I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
Yogi Berra