Here's some I liked:

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Everyone liked to buy flowers from these men of God, but a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

She asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. She went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored her.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Oh Crumbs Jakeroo, where DO you get them from?!!!

There was a man in England who was considered by all to be the world's foremost authority on tea. One day he was chatting with a friend of his who had just returned from a trip to Australia. This friend told him that he had heard of a tea brewed in a small town in the Outback named Mercy. The connoisseur scoffed at him, stating that no tea came out of the Outback, because there was no way to grow it.
"Oh, it doesn't come from leaves," remarked his friend, "they brew it from Koala fur."
This so intrigued the expert that he booked a flight to Australia the next day. After his arrival, he hired a guide to take him deep into the Outback to the town of Mercy. Once in town, he found the only pub, and ordered a cup of the mysterious beverage.
The cup was placed before him. He spent many moments noting the colour, the aroma, and the viscosity. He took a small sip. It was good! He then followed with a big mouthful, and was suddenly gagging and spitting, clutching at his mouth.
"What is this?" he exclaimed, holding up a handful of what appeared to be short, coarse threads.
"Oh, that's Koala fur," replied the bartender.
"You mean to tell me that you don't strain out the fur?" asked the expert, incredulous.
"Of course not," replied the bartender, "The Koala tea of Mercy is not strained!"

Ren: I collect them. The other two things I collect are dust and wrinkles : )

Dippo: classic!

Took me two reads of the punch line to get this one. Quality! hahaha

There was a painter who used to cheat by thinning paint to make it go
further. For some time he got away with this. Then came the day that the
local church needed painting. He put in a bid and, because his price was
so low, he got the job. So he set up his scaffolding, bought the paint
and thinned it down.
A week later, as he was nearly finished painting the church, there was a
horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, the rain poured down, and
the thinned paint ran everywhere down the walls into the churchyard. He
was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he got
on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin
no more!"

That's excellent ren!!!
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Julius Caesar, Mark Anthony, and Brutus decided to go to a football match one Saturday. Roma was playing local rival Sparta for the All Holy Roman Empire Cup. So Caesar organized the tickets and they all agreed to meet at the stadium at 3 p.m., just in time for the kick off.

Saturday arrived and Caesar and Mark Anthony took their seats just as Roma kicked off. Brutus, however, was missing. Then, just before half time, in came Brutus looking a little flustered.

“My chariot lost a wheel on the way here,” explained Brutus. “It took nearly an hour to fix it.” So he sat down with the others as the teams came out for the second half.

“How’s Roma doing?” asked Brutus.

“Great!” replied Mark Anthony, “they have never played better.”

“So, what’s the score then?” Brutus inquired.

“8-2, Brutus,” replied Caesar.


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Thank you all, I haven't laughed so hard for ages.

There once was this man who was looking for a job. He applied for a bus driver's job at the county board of education. The head of the school board granted him an interview. During the interview the man was told there was only one bus driver job left, the one that drove the special education bus. The man said he would take the job but the school offical asked that he look at the bus first. They went outside down a row of yellow school buses and at the end was a small van with Sesame Street characters painted all over it. The man was a little reluctant at first but the offical told him all the kids would be at the bus stops and all he had to do was pick them up in the morning and take them home in the evening. The man needed the job badly so he took it.

The first day on the job he comes to the bus stop and there is a little girl standing there who is less than svelte. She gets on the bus and the driver says, "Hi! What's your name?" The girl replies, "My name is Patty" and takes a seat. He comes to the next stop and there is another little girl there who is larger than the first. She gets on the bus and the driver asks, "What your name?". She says "My name is Patty" then takes a seat by the first girl.

At the next stop there is a little boy standing there. When he gets on the bus he says, "Hi I'm Ross and I'm special."

At the next stop there is another little boy standing there and when asked his name he says, "Hi I'm Lester Cheatum". Lester takes the seat behind the driver and pulls off his shoes. He starts picking the loose skin on his bunyons and throwing it at the driver.

This same scene happens every day for a week. On Friday the driver goes into the superintendent's office and say, "I quit! I can't take it anymore!"

When asked why the driver says, "Every day it's the same thing! Two obese Patty's, special Ross, Lester Cheatum picking bunyons on a Sesame Street bus".

A young man in Sydney was having problems with his 1985 Datsun and took it along to the local Nissan dealer to look at. The mechanic called him later and said that there was a problem with the gearbox, and it needed a couple of new parts.

He also said that he had checked every spare parts place that he knew and that they did not have the particular gears available, and that he would have to order them from the head office, in Japan. The Spare Parts Manager in Tokyo told him that they were not going to send out just two parts all the way to Australia because it would not be cost-effective, and as the gearbox problem was a common one, that he was going to wait until he had a large order and send all the bits on the one plane.

A couple of weeks later he had enough orders to justify the expense and a cargo plane was despatched to Sydney. However, when the aircraft was over northern Australia, it was battered by turbulent weather and the cargo door fell off. The fuselage was in chaos as tons of cargo was sucked out the hole!

Meanwhile, thousands of feet below, George and Gladys were sitting on their front porch, admiring the sunset, and George turned to Gladys and said, “Look, dear! It’s raining Datsun cogs!”

There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. This lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that, if moved, would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.

One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever!

Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that is was better Nate than lever.

Very good!

But

had me thinking that, in accordance with the way Canadians measure length between topological points (as in "I live two hours from there"), the boulder was one day's travel distance away. Plenty of time for Nate to dig up his old friend's Never's bones and deploy them as a barrier to change the boulder's course leaving a Spoonerism of better Never than Late. (Boo Boo Hiss)

In Gene Shalit's "Great Hollywood Wit", he tells of when Ethel Barrymore heard an actress known for profanity complain about a theatre's acoustics. Ethel's reply: "Now you can be obscene but not heard."

tjoeb};>

Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
I nearly choked on my latte.

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mum said, "Just use a spoon, David. You're not a Jedi."

My grandfather fought in the 1st World War and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He was classed as a seasoned veteran.

I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'
I thought, "That's just spam."

Three seals walk into a bar and the barman says to them
"what would you three like to drink"
the reply "anything but a Canadian Club thanks"

Okay in the moniker tjoebigham does any one else see toejam in that or is that just me?

very funny kaddersgirl it really is

Okay there was a king of a tribe who went to visit the king of another tribe - there was great celebrating and a three day banquet.
Opon his leave
the visiting king gave the home king a special present.
The present was a throne.
The king who threw the party did not want to be rude, as he
already had a throne,
accepted the gift, and placed it on the second floor of his
palatial grass hut, right above the spot where hois first throne was - and this is where
he was sitting when the second throne fell through the grass floor and killed him.
The moral of the story being
people in grass houses should not stow thrones.

Thorry I must be a bit Thick -- I just do not get the
Brutus and Mark Antony one i.e. 8-2. I get every other one

The pun is on "Et tu, Brute?" from Julius Caesar.

Please, some more.

A Blonde Story
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already '"the startled husband asked.
Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!"

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

A botanist was trying to research some details about a particular kind of fern, so he sent a request to all his collegues, asking them to send him any information they had about it.

Unfortunately, he didn't word his request very well, and all the botanists he'd contacted thought he was looking for details about any ferns, rather than just the one species. So within just a few hours of sending it out, his fax machine was buzzing with piles of useless documents about all kinds of ferns - there were tree ferns and wood ferns, ostrich ferns and cinnamon ferns... but very few about the particular type he wanted.

So he sent another message to everyone:

If it ain't bracken, don't fax it.