LOL

A frog is outgrowing his lily pad and decides to make some home improvements. He doesn't have the money, so he hops to the bank to borrow some.

At the bank, he takes a seat at loan officer Patricia Black's desk and explains his dilemma.

"I want to upgrade my lily pad, maybe add another window, but I don't have the cash. Can you lend me the money?"

"Maybe. What can you offer as collateral?"

"Well," says the frog. "All I have is this paperweight. You shake it up, and it snows on the little village. Cute, huh?"

"Hmm . . . I'll have to speak to my manager." She enters her manager's office.

"Mr. Bitterby, I've got a frog at my desk who wants to borrow money for lily pad improvements. But all he can offer for collateral is this glass paperweight."

Mr. Bitterby takes the paperweight, hefts it in his hand, looks at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

At a dinner party, René Descartes’ wife posts him next to the buffet table and tells him not to let the guests eat until an hour after midnight. When a guest reaches for a shrimp, Descartes stops him and says, “I think they’re for 1 a.m.”

lol good one.
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A young man had been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for several years.

One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines.

The bag boy was excited and asked the manager if he could work the juice machines.

The manager turned him down.

The bag boy said, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?"

The manager said, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets' and only ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, Tony, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed ol Tony’s bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, Tony the sneaky [censored] had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of Tony, he entered him in the Cheltenham Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Tony the " No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Now THAT made me howl!!!

I'll put this one here and present my excuses if this isn't the right thread.

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.

No, you've got the perfect spot, Bruyere. I had to think for just a moment and then went 'of course!!'. I really like this one and might use it in tomorrow's lecture...

That's a great one!

Arghhhhh!! truly Geeky.

Apologies if this is a well known one but I feel it needs to be posted

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him....


I'm sorry I really am.....


A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.


A tale about a mediocre conductor. He had been having problems with the basses, they were the least professional of his musicians.

It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around.

As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realised it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.


Last one I promise...

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country’s leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game

It’s hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac, because they takes things literally.

This one is so bad, I almost didn't post it.

What do you call a man with no shins?

.


Tony

In the shark-infested waters of the Great Barrier Reef, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back.

Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out: “It’s me, Justin, your old friend. I’ve changed… I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again, Christian.”

A man is driving along a country road when a large rabbit jumps in front of his car and he runs over it. He stops and gets out to check on the rabbit, but it's dead.

A woman who was following well behind, pulls up and sees the man is devastated by what's happened. She says to the man, "It's OK, I have something that can fix this", and she goes to her car and brings back an aerosol can.

She sprays the large rabbit and suddenly it jumps up and starts hopping down the road, but every 20 metres, it turns back and waves at them.

The man says to the woman, "That's amazing, what's in that can?"

The woman replies, "It's Hare Restorer."

The man says, "But why does it keep turning back to us and waving at us?"

The woman replies, "It's Hare Restorer, with permanent wave."

See below. I'm out of practice

It's actually worse than that, because the clincher for giving him the loan was the fact that the frog was Mick Jagger's son and Mr Bitterby said:

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

Auguste Escoffier once made a merangue-based desert as a treat for Anna Pavlova. However, no sooner had he delivered it to her than the door-bell rang again and Pavlova's dog ate it.

"the door-bell rang and Pavlova's dog ate it" - I interpret this sentence as the dog eating the doorbell. That would not be quite a treat.

Lol Eraserhead, I like your pun better : )

Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, as we all know, took a liking to absinthe.
He also developed a peculiar condition - when he passed gas, people distinctly heard the word "Honda."
Everyone was mystified until an ancient Oriental sage remarked, "Tis simple; everyone knows that absinthe makes the [censored] go "Honda'!

A few one-liners...

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an
optical Aleutian.


She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon
of math disruption.


No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'


I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that
votes.


When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks
at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.



Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are
you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His
goal: transcend dental medication.


There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least
one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

MarchHare: good one!

ozzz: not sure what to say, they are all 'awfully' wonderful lol

Okay this one requires more patience than other punning bits, because it's realllly long lol. And imagine the teller is from Australia or thereabouts, no nasty meant...


In the dreamtime, before the land was made, there was one flock of eagles in the sky.
The eagles were noble creatures, and proud, for they rules over many of the animals. But they were also kind, caring, giving rulers.

However, for a time, as there often is, the animals became uneven. Too many animals ate the flesh of others, making all those that ate flesh fight for it, and all those that were eaten flee and die. Some that ate meat must, for the sake of the entire kingdom, change their diet. The eagles took this duty upon themselves.

And so, the flock of eagles became farmers, and gatherers, not hunters. For two generations, they tilled fields and gathered berries. But there were dissenters.
In this flock, the title of chief had been passed down father to son since time immemorial. In the second generation of vegetarianism, the chief was named FlightMaster. His son, FarBeak was one of the leaders of the dissenting group. He argued with his father.

"Father, we are a proud and noble species, yet we are diminishing. The eagles were greater than this. We were born, long ago, to eat flesh, and you command, and your father commanded that we do not. This is wrong. For we are hunters. We rule many animals. If we had said to any of them, 'You must eat no flesh', they would have obeyed, and all would have been well. Yet you would have us eat no flesh instead. This is wrong."

FlightMaster pondered this, but he did not ponder long. He knew the reasons his father had told him, and he agreed. The eagles must eat no flesh. He turned from his son. FarBeak, seeing that his father would not listen to him, turned and left. He gathered the group of dissenters and they left the flock. Then there were two flocks of eagles in the sky. One was ruled by FlightMaster, the vegetarian flock, rulers of many animals. The other was ruled by FarBeak, hunters and flesh-eaters, ruled by none, ruling none.

And thus it continued.

But for the flesh-eating habits of the second flock of eagles, the trouble of the animals began again, and another animal needed to cease their flesh-eating habits. This is why kangaroos, although formidable, eat no flesh to this day.

However, FarBeak had seen the trouble that his flock had caused and he was penitent. He met with the second leader of the dissenters, FeatherClaw, and proposed that they return to their former flock, join their forces together once more, and return to vegetarianism. FeatherClaw flew into a rage and attacked FarBeak, who escaped wounded in the wing. However, he was determined to return to his father's flock, and regain his vegetarianism, and so he walked, being unable to fly. His legs grew strong, thick, and tough, and his wings became small from disuse. From him came the line of cassowaries, who eat only fruit to this day.

After much time, he came to his fathers flock, and was seen into the presence of his father. He bowed, as much as he was able, to the old chief, who was by now much smaller than he. "I am sorry, father, for the damage I have done. I come alone, to return to vegetarianism, and do what is right."

FlightMaster moved toward him, and embraced him. "All is well, son. We have changed. You and I were both right - the eagles had been diminished by not eating flesh. When the time came, we ordered the kangaroos to eat no flesh and they assented, as you said they would. And so the eagles have begun to partially eat flesh again, but without killing. We eat only what is dead by circumstance, as this allows the prey creatures to live in less fear."

This flock became strong and vast, and eventually split in two - one flock went East, to the sea, and became seagulls, one remained where they were, and became pigeons. Both flocks eat what they can, and pigeons still aid in the sowing of plants, by the seeds in their droppings.

FarBeak's eyes softened as he looked at his father. "Then all is well. Tell me, father, I have had very little to eat - will there be a dinner I can partake in?"

FlightMaster stepped back, and indicated with his wing the fields behind him, and a storehouse of flesh. "Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peas when you are done."