Rules
Terms of Use

Page 7 of 8 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 >
Topic Options
#1110471 - Wed Sep 30 2015 09:32 PM Re: Puns for the educated....
ASA Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Tue Oct 15 2002
Posts: 4326
Loc: Adelaide South Australia
A rabbit walks into a run-down pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer and a grilled ham & cheese sandwich please?'
The barman is amazed but serves the rabbit his order. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the sandwich, then leaves. The next night, the rabbit returns and again orders a pint of beer and a grilled ham & cheese sandwich; is served; consumes them and leaves.
Over the following months the rabbit comes in every night for his now regular, beer and grilled sandwich. Word of this incredible event has meant that every night the pub is packed. The barman is making more money in a night than he had in a month before the rabbit came.
That night, there is standing room only but when the rabbit comes in a place is made for him on a stool at the bar. The rabbit asks for his beer and grilled ham & cheese sandwich.
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, but we are right out of them ham & cheese sandwiches’. The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd fallen silent The barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Tomato one.' The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?' The barman, not wanting to lose such a crowd puller says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it.' Ok, 'says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich please’. The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the sandwich before waving to the crowd and leaving....
NEVER TO RETURN
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) is closing up when he sees a small white form, sitting at the bar. The barman asks 'Who are you?' 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to come in for a beer and a grilled sandwich.’ The barman says, 'I remember you, always the same order - grilled ham & cheese, except for that last time. You had grilled cheese & tomato. Why didn’t you come back?’
'I DIED' , said the rabbit.' Oh !' said the barman, 'what happened? Was it a car accident? A hunting accident?' After a short pause ,the rabbit shook is head and said......'No, it was Mixin-me-toasties'.


For those that do not know - "myxomatosis" was a disease that decimated the rabbit population in the UK in the 1950s. It has been used for rabbit population control in various countries, notably Australia
_________________________
Alan
So much time ...... so little to do

Top
#1110497 - Thu Oct 01 2015 04:21 AM Re: Puns for the educated....
ozzz2002 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Mon Dec 03 2001
Posts: 20398
Loc: Sydney
NSW Australia
That is awful! Thanks for posting it... smile
_________________________
The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not smashing it.

Ex-Editor, Hobbies and Sports, and Forum Moderator

Top
#1110518 - Thu Oct 01 2015 07:10 AM Re: Puns for the educated....
flopsymopsy Offline

Administrator

Registered: Sat May 17 2008
Posts: 5041
Loc: Northampton England UK
Aaargh! Not funny!

Well, maybe just a bit. wink
_________________________
The Hubble Telescope has just picked up a sound from a fraction of a second before the Big Bang. The sound was "Uh oh".

Top
#1112927 - Wed Oct 21 2015 06:36 PM Re: Puns for the educated....
Jakeroo Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 2064
Loc: Alberta Canada
I drove a rabbit to the vet today. I love my new Callaway clubs.

Went to visit Harold Shipman in prison... Felt a bit awkward meeting him, so greeted him with "Whats up Doc"

The bunny made a terrible woodworker because it wouldn’t cut rabbets.

I like rabbits in general (well except for the jackrabbit that ate all my peas this year, but let's not split hares lol) so will switch to reptiles:


Q: What do you call an crocodilian in kevlar?
A: An investigator.

Q: Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
A: It's filled with litigators.



Edited by Jakeroo (Wed Oct 21 2015 08:55 PM)
_________________________
Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense
- Gertrude Stein


Top
#1112952 - Wed Oct 21 2015 11:31 PM Re: Puns for the educated....
ASA Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Tue Oct 15 2002
Posts: 4326
Loc: Adelaide South Australia
Jackeroo

Your jackrabbit probably just wanted some library material for his home and Warren peas seemed a good idea.
_________________________
Alan
So much time ...... so little to do

Top
#1112995 - Thu Oct 22 2015 08:47 AM Re: Puns for the educated....
Jakeroo Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Sat Aug 30 2008
Posts: 2064
Loc: Alberta Canada
LOL good one ASA smile
_________________________
Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense
- Gertrude Stein


Top
#1123722 - Fri Jan 22 2016 09:51 PM Re: Puns for the educated....
Bruyere Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat Feb 10 2001
Posts: 18852
Loc: California USA
A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."
_________________________
I was born under a wandering star.

Top
#1123869 - Sat Jan 23 2016 11:20 PM Re: Puns for the educated....
Copago Offline
Moderator

Registered: Tue May 15 2001
Posts: 14384
Loc: Australia
lol That made me laugh laugh

My first job was working in an orange factory. I got canned 'cause I couldn't concentrate ...

Top
#1124639 - Sat Jan 30 2016 07:07 PM Re: Puns for the educated....
ren33 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 12518
Loc: Kowloon Tong  Hong Kong      
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes .
_________________________
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

Top
#1124835 - Mon Feb 01 2016 02:45 PM Re: Puns for the educated....
Bruyere Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat Feb 10 2001
Posts: 18852
Loc: California USA
Good ones! I must tell my son the last one as he's a crepe spinner at his day job.

I hope we don't have these but they're decent.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me an erroneous punchline!" The woman says, “But Mabel! It’s eating my popcorn!”

An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host."


Louie Armstrong walks into a bar in Tibet where the high priest is the bartender. Louis says, "Hello, Dali!


This one is for the easily amused like me and who know our accents:

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinian says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt!"
_________________________
I was born under a wandering star.

Top
#1124860 - Mon Feb 01 2016 04:41 PM Re: Puns for the educated....
sisterseagull Offline
Mainstay

Registered: Tue Aug 16 2011
Posts: 617
Loc: Torquay, Devon UK
I tried to catch some fog... I mist

Top
#1132449 - Sat Apr 09 2016 02:12 AM Re: Puns for the educated....
lonely-lady Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Thu Jun 19 2014
Posts: 6765
Loc: England UK
Papa Balloon and Mama Balloon were oohing and aahing at the firework display and Baby balloon woke up and wanted to see them too, but his parents filled all of the space at the window.

Baby Balloon realised that he might just be able to squeeze in if he were just a little bit thinner, so he pulled on his string and then tried again. Not enough, so he tried again and then one last time and YES! He slid in-between his parents just as the display came to the end.

Papa Balloon was appalled. He had always tried to educate his son in the importance of good manners and he grabbed his son and lectured him.

"Baby, you have let your mother down. You have let me down. Most important of all, you have let yourself down."
_________________________
I dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange fizzy drink. It was a Fantasea

Top
#1132550 - Sat Apr 09 2016 10:52 PM Re: Puns for the educated....
Bruyere Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat Feb 10 2001
Posts: 18852
Loc: California USA
I like the last one Lonely-Lady.

Here are a few more:

She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.


I'm sure this crowd will enjoy this next one:

What do you say when comforting a grammar nerd?
There, their, they’re.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

The guy that fell into the glass making machine made a spectacle of himself.
_________________________
I was born under a wandering star.

Top
#1135036 - Sat May 07 2016 04:37 AM Re: Puns for the educated....
lonely-lady Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Thu Jun 19 2014
Posts: 6765
Loc: England UK
Yoda asks, "Why is FIVE afraid of SEVEN?"

"Because SIX, SEVEN EIGHT"
_________________________
I dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange fizzy drink. It was a Fantasea

Top
#1135169 - Mon May 09 2016 01:48 AM Re: Puns for the educated....
lonely-lady Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Thu Jun 19 2014
Posts: 6765
Loc: England UK
Two scientist walk into the bar.
The first scientist says "I'll have H2O." The bartender give it to them, and they drink it.
The second scientist says to the bartender "I'll have some H2O too!"
The bartender gives it to him, he drink it and he dies.
_________________________
I dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange fizzy drink. It was a Fantasea

Top
#1136566 - Wed May 25 2016 08:28 AM Re: Puns for the educated....
darkjian Offline
Learning the ropes...

Registered: Wed May 25 2016
Posts: 3
Loc: Queensland Australia
Have greatly enjoyed this thread so far - thought I'd toss one or two in myself, too.


A guy is driving interstate through grain country. It's a hot day, but the wheat is growing well either side of the road, his car is air conditioned, and he's enjoying the peace of the drive when he sees what he thinks is a scarecrow. As he gets close, though, it turns to watch him, and the guy realises that it's a farmer, apparently doing nothing but watching the cars go by. Disturbed, the guy hurries on, avoiding making eye contact.
15 minutes down the road he passes another farmer who is likewise seemingly idle, just standing around.
Half an hour passes. The sun is searingly hot, and to his disbelief the guy sees another farmer. At a loss to explain this behavior, he pulls over, and walks across to where the farmer is.
"Are you guys nuts?" the guy asks. "What are you doing outside when it's this hot?"
The farmer pauses before answering in a slow country drawl. "Me'n my neighbors, we're trying to win the Nobel prize."
In utter disbelief, the guy replies "The Nobel prize? That's amazing! How are you trying to win it?"
"Don't you know anything?" the farmer asks condescendingly. "They give it to people who are out standing in their fields."
_________________________
Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate

Top
#1137787 - Sat Jun 11 2016 10:30 AM Re: Puns for the educated....
lonely-lady Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Thu Jun 19 2014
Posts: 6765
Loc: England UK
groan
_________________________
I dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange fizzy drink. It was a Fantasea

Top
#1138704 - Sat Jun 25 2016 02:41 AM Re: Puns for the educated....
lonely-lady Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Thu Jun 19 2014
Posts: 6765
Loc: England UK
If you know a good fish pun, will you let minnow?
_________________________
I dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange fizzy drink. It was a Fantasea

Top
#1138754 - Sun Jun 26 2016 03:45 AM Re: Puns for the educated....
ASA Offline
Multiloquent

Registered: Tue Oct 15 2002
Posts: 4326
Loc: Adelaide South Australia
Originally Posted By: lonely-lady
If you know a good fish pun, will you let minnow?


I caviarn't got any.
_________________________
Alan
So much time ...... so little to do

Top
#1138758 - Sun Jun 26 2016 06:20 AM Re: Puns for the educated....
ren33 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 12518
Loc: Kowloon Tong  Hong Kong      
I would if I cod
_________________________
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

Top
#1138955 - Wed Jun 29 2016 02:17 PM Re: Puns for the educated....
Bruyere Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat Feb 10 2001
Posts: 18852
Loc: California USA
I would, just for the halibut.
_________________________
I was born under a wandering star.

Top
#1139154 - Fri Jul 01 2016 10:10 AM Re: Puns for the educated....
lonely-lady Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Thu Jun 19 2014
Posts: 6765
Loc: England UK
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
_________________________
I dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange fizzy drink. It was a Fantasea

Top
#1139185 - Fri Jul 01 2016 09:10 PM Re: Puns for the educated....
Bruyere Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat Feb 10 2001
Posts: 18852
Loc: California USA
Oh that's funny! I was just coming in with a joke on a similar theme!

A big bird goes to psychiatrist, says 'everyone ignores me'. Psy says maybe it's because your ostrich sized.

Don't you know the Queen's English?
Why, yes, I'd heard she was.

A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty.

If you LITERALLY ate a ton at dinner, you're either a whale or an elephant.
_________________________
I was born under a wandering star.

Top
#1151533 - Sun Nov 20 2016 09:47 PM Re: Puns for the educated....
Bruyere Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat Feb 10 2001
Posts: 18852
Loc: California USA
Hope I didn't put this one here yet.

If you're going to try to you get a bear out of a cave, what kind of cheese do offer him?

Camembert.
_________________________
I was born under a wandering star.

Top
#1153676 - Thu Dec 15 2016 07:49 AM Re: Puns for the educated....
WesleyCrusher Offline

Administrator

Registered: Thu Sep 04 2008
Posts: 6954
Loc: Germany
You all know the Tour de France - and the small... issues... it's been plagued with for the last several decades. Anyway, one team's riders have again been spotted with a performance that isn't quite explained by just training. So the race organizers raid the team's cars, their hotel rooms... nothing to be found. Dejectedly, the head investigator admits his failure to his family at dinner, whereupon his four year old daughter says "Let me look, I know where it is!".

He doesn't know what to say, but thinks he might as well humor the girl, so he takes her along when he pays the team manager's hotel room another visit the next day. The little kid looks around and points to a computer. "It's in there." They open the computer and, lo and behold, it's more than enough to disqualify the entire team on the spot.

Later, at home, the dad asks his daughter how she could have found out. "We learned that last week, in kindergarten", she says. He gives her a puzzled look whereupon she begins to sing:

"The pharma's in the Dell, the pharma's in the Dell..."
_________________________
FunTrivia Editor (Hobbies and Sci/Tech) and Administrator
Guardian of the Tower

Top
Page 7 of 8 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 >

Moderator:  ozzz2002, Sypher