A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus…. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?… An etymologist knows the difference.

Your momma is so mean… she has no standard deviation.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

This one requires Valley Girl accent: When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like, OMg.

It is reported that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you."

The better half wanted a Taxus hedge out front. Being the one who'd have to care for it, I said, "No!". She steamily asked, "Why not?" I replied , "Because it's a sappy yew dear!"



Do I lose my pun permit on that one?

PS Bruyere: Copernicus' father died when the astronomy hero was only 10 years old. He was then raised by his wealthy and influential maternal uncle, Lucas Watzenrode.

Did Tycho Brahe say Au-choo when he sneezed through his golden prosthetic nose?

It's a joke, not a documentary.

The heavyweight boxer became world champion. He was unbeaten.

I'm sorry I don't get that one??!

This one might fit on here:

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks."

I said, "Don't mention it."

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.


I hope I haven't shared these gems already!

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

A nonrenewable natural resource walks in to a bar and orders a tall glass of whiskey.
The bar tender says "sorry friend, I cant serve YOU; you have been getting wasted all day long!"
 

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs!



What does a frog like to drink on a hot day?

A croak a cola!



My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti... you should have seen her face when I dove pasta!

What do Winnie the Pooh and Atilla the Hun have in common?


































The same middle name...

oh Ozzz Thats terrible!!

What do you call a cow sitting down?

Ground Beef


How can you make a tissue Dance?

Put a little Boogie into it

Why can't you say the number '288' in public?


Because it is too (two) gross.