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#833569 - Tue Oct 23 2012 04:28 AM Are you ready to have kids?
gtho4 Online   FT-blank

Registered: Sun Dec 26 1999
Posts: 51980
Loc: Sydney
oz downunder
Are you ready to have kids?
After you read this, maybe not
    THIS hilarious 'test' designed to find out if you're ready to have kids has gone viral.
    Originally posted on UK parenting website Mamami, the 14-part test will have you holding your sides with laughter.

    Test 1: Preparation

    Women: To prepare for pregnancy

    1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
    2. Leave it there.
    3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

    Men: To prepare for children

    1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
    2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
    3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

    Test 2: Knowledge

    Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.

    Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

    Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

    Test 3: Nights

    To discover how the nights will feel:

    1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
    2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
    3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
    4. Set the alarm for 3am.
    5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
    6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
    7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
    8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
    9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
    10. Make breakfast.
    Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

    Test 4: Dressing Small Children

    1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
    2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.
    Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

    Test 5: Cars

    1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
    2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
    3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
    4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
    5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

    Test 6: Going for a walk

    a. Wait.
    b. Go out the front door.
    c. Come back in again.
    d. Go out.
    e. Come back in again.
    f. Go out again.
    g. Walk down the front path.
    h. Walk back up it.
    i. Walk down it again.
    j. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
    k. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
    l. Retrace your steps.
    m. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
    n. Give up and go back into the house.
    You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

    Test 7: Conversations with children

    Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

    Test 8: Grocery Shopping

    1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
    2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
    3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
    Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

    Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old

    1. Hollow out a melon
    2. Make a small hole in the side
    3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
    4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
    5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
    6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

    Test 10:TV

    1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
    2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

    Test 11: Mess

    1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
    2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
    3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
    4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
    5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.

    Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers

    1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
    2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
    You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

    Test 13: Conversations

    1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
    2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
    You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

    Test 14: Getting ready for work

    1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
    2. Put on your finest work attire.
    3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
    4. Stir
    5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
    6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
    7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
    8. Do not change (you have no time).
    9. Go directly to work : Tue 23rd October 2012

#833583 - Tue Oct 23 2012 06:10 AM Re: Are you ready to have kids?
ren33 Offline

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 12496
Loc: Kowloon Tong  Hong Kong      
Oh my gosh, that's priceless! Why didn't you send me that 50 years ago?
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

#833754 - Wed Oct 24 2012 12:25 AM Re: Are you ready to have kids?
Santana2002 Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Mon Apr 14 2003
Posts: 8810
Loc: France
ahahaha that 'speaks' to me!!!
It's hard to be perfect when you're human

#917134 - Tue Nov 13 2012 06:15 PM Re: Are you ready to have kids?
Jazmee27 Offline

Registered: Tue Mar 09 2010
Posts: 634
Loc: Pennsylvania USA
Hilarious smile

#917693 - Thu Nov 15 2012 09:57 AM Re: Are you ready to have kids?
Bruyere Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat Feb 10 2001
Posts: 18834
Loc: California USA
Oddly enough I think I've had many of those experiences with mine! Another one besides the spit up on work clothes could be duplicated by taking steel wool to a pair of stockings to duplicate a small child not wishing to let you get out the door to work...Mommmy...pulls on stockings...makes a lovely ladder in them.

One of my kids pulled this on me...I was talking on the phone, and we were trying to sell the apartment so had painted it a week before...and instead of bothering me directly, my child took a lead pencil to the newly painted wall and scribbled on it. It wasn't an aggressive scribble but just, 'oh a new canvas...'

I used to look disdainfully at parents who let their children eat in the shopping cart during grocery store runs..until I had my own children during which I'd be prying open that package of bread or whatever would get me through it without hearing cries. Prezels, bagels would give me about fifteen minutes. You might take a bag of those, let the goat chew on them and get them really soggy, and then, sheepishly tell the cashier, 'I think he's eaten about four...sorry.'
I was born under a wandering star.

#1028381 - Thu Jan 02 2014 04:17 AM Re: Are you ready to have kids?
queenofquizzes Offline
Learning the ropes...

Registered: Wed Jan 01 2014
Posts: 2
Loc: Luton Bedfordshire England UK
I love it! Haha! smile


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